Better DUET instead of DUEL

What a joy when husband and wife together make the family a community effort with the goal of building a meaningful, good future for themselves and the children! But reality shows that these are the exceptions. This blog would like to encourage the reader to take a step forward here.

Wikipedia on DUEL and DUETT

DUET

Duo Latin means 'two'. A duet is a musical work by two musicians (ensemble) or two (vocal) soloists. Even in nature there are animals where two partners sing in a duet.

DUEL

Latin duellum means 'duel'. This means a voluntary duel with the same, potentially deadly weapons, where honor disputes are fought according to traditionally established rules. Duels are prohibited in most countries.

It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!

Important is:

Don't waste a good conflict!

Recognize the chances of conflict. Every conflict has growth potential. It shows the way to reality and truth and points to something really important. He also shows the need for adjustment, because the situation can quickly lead to improvement and more maturity.

It quickly becomes clear that your own personality has a strong influence on the result when resolving conflicts. The following are some hot questions that you may be able to answer for yourself:

How do you tend to deal with daily conflicts? (LINK)

• Do you lose a lot of energy, do you quickly become insecure, lose your balance and do not know how to find a solution?

• Can you say NO with kind eyes, even thank you, or ‘the moment is bad’, or do you refer nicely to rules or principles and know how to say the right thing at the right time? EXCELLENT!

Do you have a mature temperament, (LINK)

• who has learned to look for the benefits, the truth and thus a good solution in conflicts?

• or do you not care, but it is important that you see your honor saved?

What did you build your self-worth on? (LINK)

• Is your track record more important than your relationships?

• Do you only agree to a conflict resolution when a profit is secured?

• Or are the relationships more important to you than anything else so that you do not have any relationship problems?

Do you know the partner's love languages ​​or your own? (LINK)

• Could it be that that conflict just trampled on one of the five love languages ​​at the partner?

• Was there perhaps too much reprimand instead of recognition?

• Was physical or linguistic rigor used instead of tenderness?

• Has practical help perished in the conflict?

Which of the following variants did you support in the last conflict? (LINK)

RETREAT? - fleeing the conflict area in a hurry, avoidance announced and everything swept under the carpet?

PUSH THROUGH? - was it about definitely asserting yourself, whatever the cost?

COMPROMISE? - did you try to reach a compromise, where everyone moves away from their demands and comes up to something until the partner is satisfied?

GIVE IN? - was it easier to just give in, to submit and for harmony to forego important things?

COOPERATION? - or did you opt for the best solution in most cases, which relies on creative cooperation and pursues an optimal solution with mutual interests?

Often the roles taken make conflict resolution more difficult. Are you a teacher who is used to being a referee, always being right and therefore used to making decisions for 'subordinates'? Then it is much more challenging to look for a solution together democratically, sensitively, benevolently.

Self-awareness is crucial

We have seen that who we are plays a crucial role in conflict management. Those who live in balance have quickly found a healthy solution. Interesting that this topic is also addressed in the Bible. I particularly like Paul's statement in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28:

If you love your spouse, you love yourself!

So if I know my deficits and strengths, I'm more likely to recognize them in others. This makes it much easier to solve everyday challenges.

Ask yourself how much you love yourself. If you can roughly answer that and compare it with the quality of love that you show your partner, then this sentence above will be more understandable to you.

Self-love and social competence (LINK)

These two important components determine our quality of life. Anyone who invests here will be rewarded. Our fears disturb us. These should be replaced with positive arguments, namely with love thoughts. Those who base their thoughts on love have good fruits to reap.

In our Christian West, we have also developed Christian values. They can no longer be felt everywhere, but are still very important. Here are some:

• Respect your neighbor

• Respect your neighbor higher than yourself

• Every person is lovable

• Together we are stronger

Of course, our understanding of love, be it conditional or unconditional (LINK), plays an important role. Our need for harmony and acceptance can also be very important when it comes to the outcome of a conflict. Here are some key words that can be supportive:

• Not all conflicts are solvable

• Why not give the humor a little space too?

• It is better to discuss at the factual level than at the guilt level

• If you can say ‘sorry’, you will help further

• Instead of building a wall, a positive basic attitude helps better

• Taking responsibility and giving trust helps

I wish you every success in your next conflict !!

Mindfulness!! Do You Mind??

You have probably heard the term “Mindfulness” or “Mindful Meditation”. If not, you may soon encounter it. Many magazines are taking up the subject and raising readers’ awareness of it. There are some very interesting and important reasons behind this development, which I would like to share with you.

One Example

Let’s say your child comes home from school and says: "Mommy, today we did something funny: we had to put our feet on the floor and, with our backs straight and our eyes closed, we had to think about either our left hands or our right ones. It wasn’t easy, but it was fun." How would you react as a mother? What strange new methods is the teacher trying out on your child?

What is meant by “mindfulness”?

Conscious self-observations, sharpening one’s senses, pausing to breathe deeply, getting out of the daily grind; these are some goals of mindful meditation.

Mindfulness in this sense means focusing one’s undivided attention on whatever is happening at the moment. The idea is that all five senses should experience and accept the situation as it is, without judgment.

In previous blogs dealing with emotional intelligence, we learned that self-awareness is an important skill on the way to social competence (see BLOG). This aspect of mindfulness is positive. But soon a critical point appears:

Besides learning to accept and care for themselves, students of mindfulness learn not to criticize or evaluate anything. Everything they discover, whether feelings, things or people, should be observed as if it were the first time. They are not to judge or use any previous knowledge, only to observe the moment. To my mind, this sounds a little bit like, “Turn off your frontal lobes!” (see BLOG ).

A mindful meal might include questions like, “How does the tomato smell?” “How does the food feel on my tongue?” “What does it taste like?”

Does that sound nice to you? In our modern, over-stressed world, and even in our classrooms, mindfulness is very trendy. What significance does it carry and what is important for parents to know?

The teacher says, “Put your feet flat on the floor. Keeping your backs straight, lift up your shoulders. Now let them fall. Place your palms on your knees and close your mouth and eyes. Now, let’s think about our hair.”

Children learn to consciously observe themselves and practice self-awareness in order to live in the present and find peace within. It is said that adults benefit physically by doing these exercises, and their tendency to become stressed declines. Neuroscience has now also begun to take interest in this subject, which has been long practiced and promoted by eastern religions.

The Roots of Mindfulness

The idea of mindful meditation has its source in Buddhism and is called Vipassana. It concentrates on four areas: body, feelings, mind and objects. Meditation is an important component of both Buddhism and Hinduism, but both take it a few steps further than just meditation.

I can change who I am and become unique. This is the point of all meditation and can be easily shown in one well-known yoga technique.

Yoga is not a type of gymnastics, but a tool in Hinduism, used to reach a state of “enlightenment”. The breath serves to open a passage through which the effects of the exercise may be compounded. This is an open invitation for any and all spiritual entities and influences to enter. Because of the danger that it can lead to depression and psychosis, schools of medicine recommend that those with weak psyches abstain from its use. Christians believe there are not only good but also evil spiritual powers. These should be avoided and shunned. To allow evil entities entrance is indeed dangerous. Therefore, it is my personal opinion that this practice is dangerous for everyone.

Danger

Since self-awareness is an important factor in the Biblical-Christian tradition, it is seen as a dangerous weakness to give up one’s presence of mind and sense of responsibility for any reason. In light of the constant stream of temptation trying to draw us away from a relationship with our Creator, it follows that an alert, strong and highly active frontal lobe (BLOG) is vital. Everything that weakens it may be perceived as perilous.

Discovering the divine within us, or thinking one is actually God has been the main strategy of the enemy since the Garden of Eden. From a Christian point of view, we cannot save ourselves. We can, however, deceive ourselves! Religions that teach that we can save ourselves are in clear opposition to the biblical concept of grace and justification by faith. The idea that we can save ourselves not only shows a lack of humility, but also promotes the development of a narcissistic, self-centered personality.

On no account should we allow the supernatural to influence our free will so that we can no longer make our own decisions. God never uses force. He wants us to use our power of choice. God is love, and true love can only exist where there is freedom!

People who choose to follow mystic, spiritualistic religions risk experiencing a negative supernatural influence on their lives. The Bible calls it demonic. For example, they might hear voices telling them to execute some rash act. The next step could be possession.

Jesus redefined LOVE. Just imagine the host of angels watching the cross, amazed at the depth and breadth and length to which love could go, that the Creator of the universe would die for us! How awesome is that?

My Suggestion

As parents, we should be cautious if our children come home with such ideas. We should, as the saying goes, “nip it in the bud.” Once children get used to this kind of meditation, they might be more likely to participate in more advanced forms and practices later. Talk to their teachers about it and find out if they have studied into the subject and understand the hidden dangers therein. Communicate your opinion and boundaries.

How can children be taught protective values? Through 'valuable' stories.

Successful bookworms start young! Reading or listening to good books can do a lot toward forming a child’s values. Children who grow up with the privilege of good literature have great advantages.

You can strengthen your children’s value systems and protect them by telling them stories from the Bible. Every believing Christian family should spend some time together in devotion and quiet time concentrating on their Creator’s love. The experiences and information given the children at these times will be a great help to them. They may be able to take what they learn into their school life. In this way, you could say they take Jesus with them.

I’m sure not everyone shares my opinion on this subject. When we look at things through the eyes of the Bible, many things look different. It says that shortly before Jesus returns, deception will increase greatly. We need an alert mind in order to stay on the path of life. I wish this for you with all my heart.

Ref: Eltern Magazin 4/18

What makes me tick? – a closer look at

Important light bulb moments help us make progress in life - but where to?

Our motives form our lives

We humans are inquisitive. Where do we come from? Where are we going? We often ask questions about reasons and motives. We don’t want to act before thinking. Inquiring minds want to know “what holds the world together in its innermost self.” (quote from Goethe)

WHY?

We encounter the question “WHY?” in all kinds of situations: in politics, in everyday life, in illness and when facing death.    

Asking “why” questions leads us closer to truth. People who are really interested in truth live in the land of “Why”. Sometimes fear motivates people to ask the question “What if?” This question can also help us find the truth about a situation, but it is often asked in an effort to ease fear.

Sometimes “why” questions about the past can lead us to “what for” answers for the future.

1. All the ways of a man are clean (right) in his own sight!  (Proverbs 16:2)

From earliest childhood most people learn to judge their own decisions as being sound and look for others to blame when failures occur. Even people in deep depressions believe in their ability to make good decisions, when in actuality their thought processes are running in lines completely beyond all logic and common sense. We often ignore helpful counsel from good friends and acquaintances because we think we’re doing the right thing. This phenomenon happens to everybody, healthy and not so healthy. It causes innumerable misunderstandings and conflicts in marriages, families, at work and in almost all our relationships.

Most conflicts are unnecessary. If only we knew ourselves and each other better!

Many people have yet to discover their uniqueness, dignity and beauty. Maybe you could help someone make that discovery!

2. If we want to understand our actions, we must learn to analyze our motives

How can we find out why we do what we do?

• Why am I still tired when I wake up in the morning?

• Why do I react so impatiently when my boss says something?

• Why do I always get a headache when this particular stressful situation arises?

• Why do I always buy too much?

• Why is it so difficult for me to read a book all the way through?

• Why am I unable to lose weight?

• Why do I always eat too much?

• Why do I often walk around with a sad face?

• Why is it hard for me to recognize my own motives?

Has one of these questions struck a chord in your soul?

One could go through each of these questions and look for reasons. Because we are complex creatures, the causes behind our behavior are generally also quite complex. The interconnection between body, mind and spirit is difficult to put one’s finger on, but with some effort, we should at least be able to recognize the most important points.

Fear is the Main Driver

God knows our fears. The Bible is full of reports of encounters in which His first words to a person were, “Fear not." Fear is normal. Actually, almost everything we do, say and think in our everyday lives is somehow motivated by some kind of complex, usually unrecognized fear. It could be fear of loss, rejection or death. Don’t you think it would be a good time to learn to replace all these fears with love and thereby achieve a much higher quality of life?

Fear is a destroyer. It devours us: spirit, mind and body. Don’t let it happen to you!

Irrational Fear

Irrational fears, in my opinion, are completely unnecessary. It can be helpful to search them out and replace them with trust. Here are a few examples:

• "I’m afraid of mice!"

• "I’m afraid of that spider!"

• "I’m afraid of flying!"

• "I’m afraid of snakes!"

• "I’m afraid of touching bugs!"

• "I can’t drive out into an intersection until there are no more cars in sight!"

Other Fears

In a later blog we will have a closer look at the four basic fears. There are different levels of fear. Asking “why” questions can take you a step deeper in your quest to find the truth about it. Each time you ask “why”, you can go down to the next level. The following diagram may be helpful:

The lack of true love is the basic cause of every fear that makes our lives difficult. Theologically, we would call it sin – our escape from the God of love. Once the divine source of love is cut off, fear is the logical consequence. BUT, those who find their way back to that source of love can lose their fears, little by little. Love grows and with it, their quality of life and relationships.

3. When we have discovered our motives, we can treat each other more lovingly.

People who are able to understand and evaluate the behavior of others find it easier to react in a more balanced and positive way.

Love is a matter of understanding and empathizing!

A Family Example:

The oldest son in a family doesn’t like his younger sister and treats her badly. In order to punish him, his mother takes his TV-watching privileges away in an angry and disrespectful tone. This daughter happens to be his mother’s favorite child. His mother doesn’t understand his feelings of jealousy. As the older child, he feels like he has been dethroned and deserted by his mother, not to mention, unloved. Because he sees his sister as the cause of all his woes, his war is against her.

The mother believes her son is mean and so aggressive that she wants to send him away to a home for difficult children. The more she takes her daughter’s side, the worse the boy’s reaction. When the father defends his son, marital conflicts ensue. The whole family atmosphere begins to seethe.

When the mother finally recognizes her son’s motives, she takes steps to improve her relationship with her boy. When he feels more love coming from his mother, his behavior also improves. His attitude softens and the whole family climate brightens.

Children are often the victims of neglect. Later, THEY will becomes adults.

By recognizing motives, we are empowered to help break down the walls erected by misunderstandings.

To understand a person’s life story is to love him or her.

Exceptions: When someone knows another’s story and background, it is much easier to manipulate him or her. Manipulation is easy to recognize in the world of advertising and sales. Because the advertising industry knows what makes people tick, customers are often influenced to buy things they don’t really need. Knowledge is power!

Knowledge without moral restraint can have a negative impact on life and lifestyle! 

It is has always been a challenge for mankind to use knowledge either for noble or selfish ends. The choice for love or destruction is one that every person must make for him- or herself. It is an individual decision and responsibility. Every day of our lives is full of these choices and decisions. Let’s meet the challenge!

Remember:

Self-awareness is the first step toward improvement

In case you should decide to bring more transparency into your life and find out more about your motives and what makes you tick, I would recommend you begin with a strategy of small steps. Today while I was jogging, I realized it’s much easier to jog an uphill slope by taking smaller steps than it is on the level. Endurance is better, which makes the chances of success much higher. And success is what we want, right? By the way, people who jog or get a lot of exercise have an easier time finding the answers they’re looking for. The reason for that is, they have taught themselves not to give up. 

Summary

Our motives move us in a certain direction. Is it the right or wrong direction? When do we act out of fear? When out of love and trust? Do we have the courage to self-reflect and enough humility to question our own motives? Choose an area or a situation in your life you would like to work on. I wish you every success!

“I have a wonderful family! That makes me one of the richest people on earth!”

Unconditional Love in Marriage

Anyone who opens up to this type of love in a relationship will experience miracles!

I hope you were able to take a look at the two previous blogs on this topic:

CONDITIONAL LOVE - GOOD OR BAD ?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - THE BEST OF THE BEST

Let me repeat briefly:

There are always reasons in a marriage to put the blame on the partner when there is a conflict. we're world champions in that, aren't we? As soon as you overlook it and look for the solution instead of depressing your partner, then you are on the right track.

We have also found out that there can be conditional and unconditional love in any type of relationship. If these components are positively aligned, the relationship can benefit significantly.

Unconditional love is love for love's sake.

She survives all challenges and all disappointments.

• Unconditional love does not expect the other to do something concrete or to return love.

• It shows itself in loyalty and understanding, even if the other has made a mistake.

• It shows in caring and empathic action, e.g. when the other is sick or weak.

• Unconditional love is a goal in a two-person relationship and leads to charity.

• Ultimately, completely unconditional love can only be found in God's source of love.

We find this love nowadays especially in young mothers who treat their babies in this way. If we could transfer that to the adult level, the world would look different.

In this we men can't quite keep up with the ladies! But we can be inspired by this motherly love.

Where else can we find unconditional love?

All people who have access to the Christian faith can recognize and experience this love there. The fact that a Creator God cares for us from infinitely far away, in which he tries to save us from our lousy situation, even allows himself to be ridiculed and finally tormented and dies without having placed a condition on us, then shows this potential for love, which cannot be found anywhere else, in any other religion. Unique, sensational.

To meet the Creator God in His created nature is a special experience for many believers.

Whoever opens up to this thought has access to unconditional love, which can then be reflected in his own life. It penetrates our heart and can change it in a positive way. If you want to try this out, you can read the last chapters of the four Gospels under prayer. There you meet the love climax, the love source.

Whoever understands God's love can get along well with everyone because he can see it through 'God's eye'. Even loving one's enemies is then possible.

In relationships

We will stop re-educating our partner. Even if we think it is for the benefit of the partner. We concentrate on accepting it a priori as it is, including the weaknesses. We are happy about our partner because he is our friend who has chosen me as a person. We are a team and we will not let anyone destroy this cooperation. Not even by myself. This eliminates many unnecessary fears, which promotes love motivation, which leads to positive changes and reduces weaknesses.

He who loves his wife loves himself (Eph 5:28)

This verse got under my skin. Could it be that if I react nervously and awkwardly to my wife that I actually have a problem with myself?

I wanted to test this out. And every time I was impatient with Terri, I had to admit that I was actually not at peace with myself. Give it a try!

Every time I stopped nagging and went inside to find out and clear up the dissonance.

A pair that sticks together through thick and thin is unbeatable. Such a team is formed by mutual victories and defeats on the basis of unconditional love.

Without pride and selfishness, most problems could be solved in 5 minutes!

This sentence has it all. He wants to show that we often move far away from selflessness and humility. Our society promotes pride and individuality so much that we too are tempted to do so. But with that we build social walls.

Suggestion: With the next problem, try to deal analytically with what YOUR own pride or selfishness could be. If you recognize him, then it is also easy to recognize him in your partner. Often it is even easier to spot the mistakes in the partner. You tend to be 'blind' to yourself.

Knowing yourself is the best way to get better

Where there is pride, there are problems. Those who can grasp their ego have great advantages in improving their emotional intelligence, let's say their social skills. Nothing stands in the way of quality relationships. This applies to all social levels, including the professional level.

Pride is socially recognized and trained. He brought us many wars. He blinds us and closes us off to the needs of others. Nothing against the joy of performance and quality. But pride comes before the fall. Humility builds up and leads to peace.

Unconditional love in a two-person relationship

It is important to make a conscious start. Even if only one partner starts doing it, there is a profit. Sure, there is a risk of exploitation and injury. But only if you can be exploited and injured. Those who are at peace with themselves, who have accepted themselves completely, also lose this fear. Unconditional love is not an unconditional surrender! On the contrary. She lets herself be extremely valuable. An added value with high self-worth.

Married couples can really build each other up, help, promote, convey self-worth, go through challenges or be carried. That forms the quality of the relationship.

The speed of maturation increases the stronger the will of both partners. Couples can switch from unhappy to happy in just one month. But then you have to be able to let go, forgive the old injuries and be ready for a new beginning. It's quick to write, but corresponds to deeper inner struggles and victories over yourself. Anyone who needs help can knock on Jesus at any time, who has promised to help. Because God is love, and whoever is in love is in God and God is in him!

Characteristics for unconditional love are:

Concerning yourself:

• Recognize your own strengths and weaknesses

• See and express the good in critical moments

• Replace 'love substitute gratifications' with goal-oriented action

• Delight in truth, authenticity and integrity

• Instead of manipulation, live respect, also towards yourself

• Decision on the path of maturation

• Patience brings you further, encourages listening to yourself and others

• It's not the feelings that count, it's the decision

• Become master of circumstances - be disaster-independent

At the beginning of every conscious change is the decision: "Yes, I want to go this way." If this motivation remains, then nothing stands in the way that cannot be mastered.

Regarding relationship:

• Modesty, loyalty, reliability

• Trust without control

• miss each other without jealousy

• Interest in time together

• Interest in truth and authenticity

• find each other without getting lost

• live respect instead of manipulation

• Security without loss of freedom

• Say "sorry" and mean it

• Accept and give help

• Interest in the partner's well-being, promotion

• Pray for one another, educate one another, read together

Every day gives us the opportunity to show the partner that we are a team, stick together, tackle problems together, think and feel for one another, support one another and like one another. What a chance!

• Regarding the environment:

• Respect for all living things

• Respect for the rights of others and their property

• Patiently addressing obvious problems of social need

• Gratitude, honesty, kindness in everything you do

• Quality awareness - quality wins

Many people don't know how bad things are for them. They need help, maybe from YOU, to be cleared up what unconditional love actually is, that there is much more value in life than they assumed. Because everyone is looking for love. Everyone needs them urgently.

Living love results in a highly qualified life, living together and suffering; it helps to feel the wishes, longings and needs of the other as one's own and not to lose oneself in them.

May many people benefit and choose from this love and be blessed by it.

I am happy to support you on this path. Book an appointment under Beratung/Counseling