Liebessprachen — Blog — Ernst Zwiker

Liebessprachen

Better DUET instead of DUEL

.... Welch eine Freude, wenn Mann und Frau zusammen die Familie zu einem Gemeinschaftswerk machen mit dem Ziel, sich und den Kindern eine sinnvolle, gute Zukunft zu bauen! Aber die Realität zeigt, dass dies die Ausnahmen sind. Dieser Blog möchte den…

What a joy when husband and wife together make the family a community effort with the goal of building a meaningful, good future for themselves and the children! But reality shows that these are the exceptions. This blog would like to encourage the reader to take a step forward here.

Wikipedia on DUEL and DUETT

DUET

Duo Latin means 'two'. A duet is a musical work by two musicians (ensemble) or two (vocal) soloists. Even in nature there are animals where two partners sing in a duet.

DUEL

Latin duellum means 'duel'. This means a voluntary duel with the same, potentially deadly weapons, where honor disputes are fought according to traditionally established rules. Duels are prohibited in most countries.

....Es ist einfach, eine Aktion des anderen zu verurteilen, wenn man die eigenen Vorlieben als Standard gesetzt hat!..It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!....

It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!

Important is:

Don't waste a good conflict!

Recognize the chances of conflict. Every conflict has growth potential. It shows the way to reality and truth and points to something really important. He also shows the need for adjustment, because the situation can quickly lead to improvement and more maturity.

It quickly becomes clear that your own personality has a strong influence on the result when resolving conflicts. The following are some hot questions that you may be able to answer for yourself:


How do you tend to deal with daily conflicts? (LINK)

  • Do you lose a lot of energy, do you quickly become insecure, lose your balance and do not know how to find a solution?

  • Can you say NO with kind eyes, even thank you, or ‘the moment is bad’, or do you refer nicely to rules or principles and know how to say the right thing at the right time? EXCELLENT!

Do you have a mature temperament, (LINK)

  • who has learned to look for the benefits, the truth and thus a good solution in conflicts?

  • or do you not care, but it is important that you see your honor saved?

What did you build your self-worth on? (LINK)

  • Is your track record more important than your relationships?

  • Do you only agree to a conflict resolution when a profit is secured?

  • Or are the relationships more important to you than anything else so that you do not have any relationship problems?

Do you know the partner's love languages ​​or your own? (LINK)

  • Could it be that that conflict just trampled on one of the five love languages ​​at the partner?

  • Was there perhaps too much reprimand instead of recognition?

  • Was physical or linguistic rigor used instead of tenderness?

  • Has practical help perished in the conflict?

Which of the following variants did you support in the last conflict? (LINK)

RETREAT? - fleeing the conflict area in a hurry, avoidance announced and everything swept under the carpet?

PUSH THROUGH? - was it about definitely asserting yourself, whatever the cost?

COMPROMISE? - did you try to reach a compromise, where everyone moves away from their demands and comes up to something until the partner is satisfied?

GIVE IN? - was it easier to just give in, to submit and for harmony to forego important things?

COOPERATION? - or did you opt for the best solution in most cases, which relies on creative cooperation and pursues an optimal solution with mutual interests?

....Oft erschweren die eingenommen Rollen die Konfliktlösung. Sind Sie ein Lehrer, der sich gewohnt ist, Schiedsrichter zu sein, immer recht zu haben und daher gewohnt ist, Entscheidungen für ‘Untergebene’ zu fällen? Dann ist es viel herausfordernde…

Often the roles taken make conflict resolution more difficult. Are you a teacher who is used to being a referee, always being right and therefore used to making decisions for 'subordinates'? Then it is much more challenging to look for a solution together democratically, sensitively, benevolently.

Self-awareness is crucial

We have seen that who we are plays a crucial role in conflict management. Those who live in balance have quickly found a healthy solution. Interesting that this topic is also addressed in the Bible. I particularly like Paul's statement in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28:

If you love your spouse, you love yourself!

So if I know my deficits and strengths, I'm more likely to recognize them in others. This makes it much easier to solve everyday challenges.

....Fragen Sie sich doch einmal, wieweit Sie sich selber lieben. Können Sie das in etwa beantworten und vergleichen es mit der Liebesqualität, die Sie Ihrem PartnerIn entgegenbringen, dann wird Ihnen dieser obige Satz verständlicher sein...Ask yours…

Ask yourself how much you love yourself. If you can roughly answer that and compare it with the quality of love that you show your partner, then this sentence above will be more understandable to you.

Self-love and social competence (LINK)

These two important components determine our quality of life. Anyone who invests here will be rewarded. Our fears disturb us. These should be replaced with positive arguments, namely with love thoughts. Those who base their thoughts on love have good fruits to reap.

In our Christian West, we have also developed Christian values. They can no longer be felt everywhere, but are still very important. Here are some:

  • Respect your neighbor

  • Respect your neighbor higher than yourself

  • Every person is lovable

  • Together we are stronger


Of course, our understanding of love, be it conditional or unconditional (LINK), plays an important role. Our need for harmony and acceptance can also be very important when it comes to the outcome of a conflict. Here are some key words that can be supportive:

  • Not all conflicts are solvable

  • Why not give the humor a little space too?

  • It is better to discuss at the factual level than at the guilt level

  • If you can say ‘sorry’, you will help further

  • Instead of building a wall, a positive basic attitude helps better

  • Taking responsibility and giving trust helps

I wish you every success in your next conflict !!

Raising Kids in a Digital World- School Daze

....Kinder und Jugendliche lieben digitale Medien. Diese erfüllen bei ihnen viele Bedürfnisse, vor allem das fehlender Anerkennung und Aufmerksamkeit. Dort kann für kurze Zeit der emotionale Liebestank scheinbar aufgefüllt werden. Anstatt diese Bedü…

Children and youth love digital media. Many of their needs, especially approval and attention, seem to be covered through this means. For a short time, while they are in their digital world, they feel like their emotional love tanks are being filled. Instead of getting their needs satisfied through social contacts, they find the digital solution much easier and more carefree.

If you would like to know whether your child handles media in a balanced or not so balanced way, you might like to do the TEST at the end of this blog.

Here you can find all links concerning this topic:

INTRO  -  TODDLERS  -  PRESCHOOL  -  -  TEENAGERS

A Case Study – Ingrid

Ingrid bought her 7-year-old son, Mark, an iPad while he was in the first grade. She thought to herself, “Why shouldn’t he be able to keep up with the other kids?” Mark’s school had begun to introduce such devices in the younger grades, and his teacher had praised their pedagogical benefits. Since Ingrid wanted to do what was best for her boy, she allowed him to play certain selected educational games on his iPad.

One day Mark discovered 'Minecraft'. His teacher assured her was simply an electronic form of LEGO building blocks. Remembering how much fun she had had playing with those plastic blocks as a child, Ingrid allowed her son to spend his afternoons playing Minecraft rather than reading or playing baseball like he had previously done.

At the outset, Ingrid was quite happy with the situation. Mark seemed to be very creative as he explored the mysterious cubed world on his iPad. She soon realized that the game was not really like the LEGOs she remembered: after all, she had never had to kill any animals or find rare minerals in order to survive and graduate to the next level with her old beloved LEGO blocks. But Mark really seemed to enjoy playing and the school even had a Minecraft Club. So, what could be so bad about it?

Still, Ingrid could not deny a noticeable difference in her son. He began to concentrate more and more on his digital game, lost all interest in baseball and reading and refused to do his chores. Some mornings when he woke up, he reported having seen the cubed forms in his dreams.
Although it worried her a little, Ingrid told herself it must just be his active imagination. When his behavior deteriorated, she tried to take the game away from him. He threw such a fit of anger that she gave in and comforted herself with the thought that “at least it’s educational.” Then, one night it became crystal clear to her that something had gone terribly wrong.

Ingrid reports: "I went into his room to check on him. He should have been asleep. I was afraid. I found him sitting up in bed, staring with bloodshot eyes at something, or nothing, in the distance. His glowing iPad lay next to him on the bed. He seemed to be in a trance. I was beside myself and had to shake him several times to get him to snap out of it."

She was completely distraught and could not understand how her once healthy, happy boy had become so addicted to that game and ended up in this hypnotic daze.

....Die Spielindustrie schläft nicht. Immer wieder gibt es neue Möglichkeiten, in die digitale Welt einzusteigen. Manchmal mag etwas vernünftig aussehen, manchmal gefährlich für Weitsichtige...The game industry is not sleeping. New ways to step into…

The game industry is not sleeping. New ways to step into the digital world are being invented every day. Some things might appear to be reasonable at first, but for the farsighted, perhaps dangerous.  

Is Gaming a Drug?

While it is true that not every young boy is influenced in the same way as every other, we must realize that iPads, smartphones und Xboxes are a digital form of drugs. 

It’s very interesting to note that many tech designers and engineers in Silicon Valley choose NO-TECH schools for their own children and raise them low-tech at home.

Many parents understand intuitively that the ever-present glowing screens have a negative effect on their children. They see the aggressive tantrums thrown when deprived of their devices and note a loss of attention span. Children who spend lots of time playing highly stimulating games are easily distracted and cannot seem to concentrate on anything less “attractive”. Worse yet, we see many children who feel bored, apathetic and disinterested whenever they are not connected to their digital world.

But wait! There’s more! It gets worse than that! As stated earlier, these digital devices can affect the human brain just as drugs do. Brain scans show how the frontal lobe (BLOG), our control center for executive functions, including impulses is influenced in the same way as by cocaine. This technology is so hyper-stimulating that it raises dopamine levels (the feel-good neurotransmitter involved in the addiction process) just like sex.

This addictive effect is the reason Dr. Peter Whybrow, Director of neuroscience at UCLA, calls screens “electronic cocaine.” Chinese researchers call them “digital heroin.” Dr. Andrew Doan, the head of addiction research for the Pentagon and the US Navy, has been delving into the subject of game addictions. He has dubbed screen technology and video games "Digital Pharmakeia" (Greek for drug).

Knowing this, it’s no surprise it’s hard to pry our children away from their screens. No wonder they get upset when their screen time is interrupted. Above and beyond this, there are hundreds of clinical studies showing that depression, phobias and aggression are intensified by the use of screen technology and can lead to psychotic behavior, whereby the video player loses contact with reality.

....Wieviel ist uns die Freiheit im Denken und Handeln wert ? Können wir überhaupt frei sein ? Sind wir nicht von den Sozialen Medien abhängig geworden ? Wie weit wollen wir das zulassen ? Wo die Grenzen sind, bestimmen Erwachsene für sich und die E…

What value do we place on our freedom to think and act? Is freedom still possible? Are we dependent on social media? How far do we want to go? Adults can decide for themselves, but parents must set the limits for their children. I wish them much wisdom and strength.

Treatment for Addictions

Treatment for a child who has crossed the line and is addicted to technology is very difficult. Some therapists claim it’s easier to treat a heroin addict than a matrix video gamer or a social media junkie.

The American Academy of Pediatrics reported in 2013 that 8 to 10-year-olds spent eight hours daily with some kind of digital media, while for teens it was 11 hours. A whopping 33% of children were already using smartphones or tablets before they could talk.

In digital detox programs, NO computers, smartphones, tablets, and in extreme cases, TVs, are allowed for 4-6 weeks. This is the time needed for an over-stimulated nervous system to reboot. However, in our technology-based society, it’s an extremely difficult task. Screens are everywhere. It’s often easier to get away from drugs and alcohol than from media.

What makes children vulnerable?

Children who feel lonely, neglected, unloved and bored are generally at higher risk for addictions as an escape from life than those who are happy, well-adjusted and busy. So, it’s often a good strategy to busy them with real life experiences and help them bind their hearts to real people in real relationships. Children who are busy with creative activities and closely knit to their families are less likely to feel the need to escape into a digital fantasy world. But even with the best and most loving support system, any child can be caught in the screen’s hypnotic spell if they spend enough time in its addictive sphere of influence.

....Der emotionale Liebestank ist wohl ein Schlüssel der Suchtgefährdung überhaupt. Wer sich ungeliebt und nicht akzeptiert fühlt, nicht wohlwollend gefördert wird, hat auch mit den digitalen Medien tendenziell grössere Herausforderungen...The emoti…

The emotional love tank is probably one of the most influential keys when it comes to the subject of addiction endangerment. People who feel unloved, unaccepted or forgotten will generally have greater challenges staying independent of digital media. 

How can parents help?

So, how can we prevent our children from crossing the line to addiction? It’s not easy. The best and easiest way would be to keep them away from digital influences while they’re young. The longer you can drag it out, the better. Here are some ideas and principles to promote:

  • Legos instead of Minecraft
  • books instead of iPads
  • nature and sports instead of TV
  • friends instead of Facebook for social interaction
  • creative fun and games instead of game apps
  • make music instead of listening (music lessons)

Unfortunately, the addictive world of media and screens tends to disturb and destroy the desire for more natural, creative activities.

If your child’s school has not yet realized the dangers of media on young minds, you may have to come to your child’s defense and insist that he or she not be confronted with these devices until the age of at least 10 (12 would be better). Request that neutral experts be invited to speak and highlight the subject at a parent-teacher meeting, so that both parents and teachers may be properly informed and receive suggestions on how to best deal with the situation. 

Speaking of experts, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates both raised their children with minimal technology and had clear rules. “No tech at the table” would be a great rule for every family. That may seem a bit harsh for some, but mealtimes should be jealously guarded as a time dedicated to family relationships and communication. Whatever rules you make, take the time to patiently explain your position to your children. They should understand why you don’t want them playing with their devices so much and why too much can be harmful.

Children want to be strong

You can help your children by pointing out some disadvantages of unhealthy choices. Explain how these devices can make them lose interest in playing ball, reading, playing with bugs and frogs by the creek and spending time with the people they love. If they have seen some of these changes in their friends who are more digitally connected, it won’t be too hard to convince them. Additionally, if you speak your child’s love language (BLOG) during the process, you will definitely be successful.

Lastly: Be a good example. Children like learning from their parents (BLOG). It’s their nature. The Bavarian comedian Karl Valentin once said, “We don’t need to teach our children anything. They only copy what we do anyway.”

....Wenn Eltern und Lehrer die Liebessprachen (BLOG) anwenden und dazu die Kinder in ihren Leistungen fördern, dann entstehen wunderbare Beziehungen. Kinder spüren, dass sie stärker werden (Selbstwert entwickelt sich). Alle Personen, die sie darin p…

When parents and teachers apply the love languages (BLOG) and encourage their children wherever they can, precious relationships and self-esteem are built and strengthened. Children will love and appreciate everyone who gives them the support they need. 

The Rest of the Ingrid – Story

Finally, Ingrid was able to liberate Mark from his tablet, but it was an uphill battle with many skirmishes and setbacks on the way to recovery.

Mark is doing much better today, after four years of learning to use his computer in a more healthy way. His life is more balanced now. He has joined a baseball team and has several really good friends at school. His mother still keeps a watchful eye on his tech usage, knowing that a moment of weakness could mean relapse, as with any other addiction. Healthy hobbies, no computer in his bedroom and “no tech at the table” are a few of the important ingredients in the recipe that spells success for Mark.

A healthy lifestyle (BLOG) also promotes a strong frontal lobe (BLOG), which in turn helps children make good decisions for a bright future.

 Too Much Screen Time – Test *

These simple questions can help determine whether or not screen time is harming your child's overall health. Give a score to each question using the following ratings:

  • 0 = never or rarely true
  • 1 = occasionally true
  • 2 = usually true
  • 3 = always true

10 Test Questions

  1. Your child is upset when you ask him to stop his screen activity to come to dinner or another activity.
  2. Your child asks you to buy a digital device such as an iPod after you have already said no.
  3. Your child has trouble completing his homework because he is busy watching television or playing video games.
  4. Your child refuses to help with chores around the house, choosing instead to play with screens.
  5. Your child asks to play a video game or other screen-related activity after you have said no.
  6. Your child does not get sixty minutes of physical activity each day.
  7. Your child does not give frequent eye contact to others in the home.
  8. Your child would rather play video games than go outside to play with friends.
  9. Your child doesn't really enjoy anything that does not involve screens.
  10. If you restricted all screen use for one day, your child would be irritable and whiny.

Evaluation

  0-10 Points: Your child does not appear to have too much screen time. He seems able to exercise appropriate control and boundaries.

11-20 Points: Your child may be depending an screen time too much. You will want to monitor screen time more judiciously and watch for growing reliance upon screens.

21-30 Points: Your child may be addicted to screens. You may want to meet with a counselor, pastor, or parent you respect for advice.

* This test is taken from the book "Growing Up Social" by Gary Chapman & Arlene Pellicane

Look for these and many other helpful resources at

www.5Lovelanguages.com. 

  • Drills for Grown-Up Social Success, six interactive scenarios to help you build your child's confidence in courtesies and social interaction.
  • 25 Common Courtesies for Kids, a quick list to help you shape goals and expectations for your child's behavior.
  • The Love Languages Mystery Game to help you determine your child's primary love language.
  • 50 Table Talk Questions for Your Family, a guide to fresh and lively conversations at family mealtimes.

Single Parenting

.... Alleinerziehende Eltern sind in einer der grössten erzieherischen Herausforderung, die man sich vorstellen kann. Vorausgesetzt ist, dass sie Erziehung ernst nehmen und entsprechende Ziele haben. .. Single parents who take their children’s educa…

Single parents who take their children’s education seriously and have set corresponding goals find themselves in one of the greatest of all educational challenges.

A Unique Story

Every single parent has a unique story to tell. Much suffering can be generated when this story is misunderstood and subsequently communicated. Such a parent is in dire need of friends and relatives who can take an active part in building up the family and who can appreciate the uniqueness of the situation and people involved.

It is and remains a huge challenge to keep the children’s love tank more or less full. Parents sometimes reach the limits of their strength and nerves, feeling tense and tired at the same time. At those times, one feels his or her own need of love and attention, but it seems that’s when the children are especially trying and tough on one’s nerves. How wonderful it is when your partner can take over for a while!  But what if there is none?

In these situations, the single parent must bear the pressure alone as well as possible, giving love to the children, when his or her own love tank is practically empty. Thus the single parent becomes a lone warrior, trying to meet specific challenges to the best of his or her ability. We hope to define some of those challenges here.

.... Für plötzlich Alleinstehende ist eine Traumwelt zusammengebrochen. Kaum vorstellbar ist dieses Leid, der Verlust von Glaube an die Liebe und Hoffnung für ein positives Familienleben. Aber auch hier gilt:  Gib niemals, niemals, niemals auf …

Parents who are suddenly left single experience the collapse of their dreams. It is impossible to imagine the suffering caused by losing faith in love and in the hope for a future together as a family. In this case, it’s important to remind oneself: Never, never, never give up! This too shall pass. It will all turn out well in the end.

Reasons

There are various reasons why a person may be a single parent.

·         In cases of separation and divorce, children often have amiable contact with the parent who does not have custody. If this is not the case, it would be important to entrust some other suitable person with that missing parental role. It could be loving grandparents, or an uncle, aunt or cousin.   

·         In case of death it is not only the children who experience trauma. The partner left alone is likely to become emotionally and physically exhausted by the demands of making a living, doing the work of two, coping with the children’s educational challenges, and wanting his or her own private life. (see the blog called Fear of Loss)

Areas of Conflict

A person who is raising children alone, besides earning the living and desiring a private life, knows all about areas of conflict. Time pressure, financial straits and perhaps a descent down on the rungs of the social ladder can be the result. Some are greeted with social incomprehension, doubt of their abilities and much more, which may drive them into isolation.

Another area of conflict is the question of guilt. In case of death, a child will at some point realize he or she will have to live with it. When both parents are alive but living separately, the biggest challenge will be to teach the children positive behavior toward both parents, not undermining each other’s authority and relationship to the children.  

All the friends who are against divorce will be strongly tempted to make their objections known. We should all remember that such single parents are in need of our wholehearted support, so that further damage can be avoided.

It is important to take the needs of the children seriously. But the hurting fathers and mothers, who are trying to give their children the impression that life is a good thing, also have needs. Those who can tap into the resource of a loving God are well positioned to make something positive out of such difficulties. Without access to the Source of Love, circumstances are much more difficult. May He help them all.

.... Die angespannte Atmosphäre zu Hause macht es nicht einfach, geduldig und konstruktiv auf Herausforderungen zu reagieren. Es braucht einen erzieherischen Weitblick und Einsicht, Familienkonflikte zu einem guten Ende zu führen. .. The tense atmos…

The tense atmosphere at home does not make it easy to react to challenges patiently and constructively. Educational farsightedness and insight are needed in order to guide family conflicts to a good conclusion.

How to Help the Children

Fear and worry are reasons why a person’s love tank may never be completely filled. Children who have experienced divorce or the loss of one parent by death are especially endangered and are in dire need of someone with whom they can talk and cry. Those who find themselves in this role would do well to consider the following phases in order to be more supportive. These phases are fluid and can be somewhat intertwined, making them sometimes difficult to recognize.

1. Denial

The child’s first reaction is denial. He or she refuses to believe what has happened is actually true. He or she will tell him or herself over and over that this separation is just temporary or the deceased parent is away for a time and will return soon. This is the time when children experience the greatest fear and sorrow. Absence is a huge loss (see fear of loss). There will be many tears and, in case of divorce, the feeling of being neglected will develop.

By listening patiently, showing understanding and applying the child’s love languages, an adult can help the child to overcome this phase. (See Love Languages)

2. Anger

The phase of denial can be accompanied by anger and rage. The child can be furious at his or her parents because they are not attending to their parental duties: Children depend completely on the presence and care of their parents. Some children express their anger; others hold it inside for fear of burdening their parents or being punished for expressing their feelings.

The weakness of the children’s position is demonstrated in the fact that they have no vote, although they are strongly affected by the situation. They need someone with whom to share their thoughts.

Anger can be directed at one or both parents, or in the case of death, God can be the recipient. Children need someone who loves them and with whom they feel secure. Here is where relatives and friends are needed, especially when the parent carrying the greatest burden of caring for the children has lost strength and courage.

If, for example, physical touch is a child’s love language, hugs are of great value. But, of course, not just anybody can hug a child.

3. Bargaining

After denial and anger, a longing is awakened in the child to salvage what’s left of the wreckage, and he or she will try to get his or her parents back together by talk, discussion and argument. If these strategies are unsuccessful, he or she may become desperate and try alternatives such as drugs, shoplifting, vandalism or sexual adventures. In the worst case, suicide will appear as a viable option.  

In this phase, a person of strong character who the child values is needed. Children in this phase often throw faith overboard and desert their social group, where they might have found comfort in their troubles. This should be prevented. Friends of the same age group who are trustworthy, compassionate and of strong faith can sometimes have a positive impact.

4. Depression

When manipulation and bargaining have yielded no visible success, dismay increases. The children are afflicted with feelings of guilt, fear, anger and insecurity. Their supply of energy is depleted, so their grades, social behavior and respect of authority suffer.

It is evident that children in this phase are affected. Sometimes they can think clearly, and at other times they can hardly concentrate on their studies.

It can be helpful to read an interesting book together.  You do the reading and either continue on or stop and talk according to their reactions. This can boost the child’s concentration and trust. In this way, the love language “quality time” can be practiced, while at the same time communicating educational values. A story can sometimes be stopped in the middle. Then, together, further development can be imagined and discussed, thus possibly revealing some inner motives, which can also be talked over.

Such talks can be a great relief, because children tend to blame themselves and others for every terrible situation they find themselves in. The talking time can have a calming effect, and it is much easier for them to think when not infuriated. Additionally with this exercise, tolerance and analytic thinking can be improved.

Plentiful exercise or joining group activities such as a sports club, music school, hiking group, scouts or pathfinders could prove to have a healing affect. This can facilitate the next important step in recovery, which is the acceptance of one’s situation in life. 

.... Einer Flucht in eine irrationale Welt steht nichts mehr im Wege. Dort lässt sichs besser leben als in dieser komplizierten Welt der Erwachsenen. So denken und empfinden manchmal Jugendliche. Es ist ein gefährlicher Weg, der in die soziale Inkom…

Escape into a make believe world seems the best option: life is much easier there than in the complicated world of adults. Many youth think and feel exactly so. It is a dangerous path they’re on and can end in social incompetence.

5. Acceptance

In this phase, the child has come to terms with his or her situation and will meet each new manifestation of loss in his or her own way, emphasizing the benefits more and more. There will be days when the child will be willing to work on having fun again, which will make beautiful memories for the future. A nice outing together, a cheery, positive Christmas celebration and the joy of giving gifts are examples. 

However, there will be other days when the child is not so happy and seems far from having a good attitude. On such days the child may stumble back into an earlier phase and must struggle to regain a positive footing. The path to acceptance is not a straight or easy one, nor is it one that need only be mastered once.

Time does NOT heal all wounds. We all have emotional wounds from our childhoods that have never healed. The reason for that is emotional wounds do not heal themselves. They normally are repressed, and then surface from time to time as emotional pain, accompanied by deep sorrow, anger and other pent-up emotions. In order to achieve full acceptance, one must deal with these wounds. Children need people around them who are interested in them and who are willing to accompany them for a few miles on their path through life.

Continuing Progress Thanks to Extra Support

In order to ensure progress, it is important to accept the help of others. Children are made in such a way that, in order for them to really understand love, they need to experience the expression of it from each parent’s perspective. Single parents are therefore never really able to foster love in its entirety for their children. Both the mother’s and the father’s example are needed to develop the ability to love in a child, though that is not a guarantee of success. Raising children is and remains challenging and, generally, does not simply work out automatically.

Most single parents are grateful for support, and sometimes those who would like to help should just say so. Potential and able helpers are often too shy to offer, while some single parents are too embarrassed to accept help because they are hesitant to speak of their needs. One must always remember that it is not just their own, but the needs of the children that should be considered. 

.... Verständnisvoll reagieren, richtungsweisend erziehen, zur Selbständigkeit führen, ja nicht aus Schuldgefühlen verwöhnen. Das gilt auch für die Grosseltern und alle anderen, die unterstützend mitwirken wollen.  .. Showing understanding, giv…

Showing understanding, giving direction, guiding into independence are all important functions of significant adults in the life of ANY teenager, but especially in a broken home. And whatever you do, do not let a guilty conscience drive you into spoiling them!  

Application of the Love Languages

Conversation is especially important for traumatized children. It helps them to understand life better and to recognize the opportunities and risks involved. The most important thing in this process is that the child can experience and know that he or she is loved. The practice of filling an emotional tank is practically experienced in active listening, helping the child to accept the reality of his or her situation, accepting his or her suffering, and showing empathy and suffering together.

The five love languages  are very well designed to help children in their development. As soon as they can accept the situation and slowly comprehend that their parents’ marriage cannot be saved, they will become emotionally more willing to accept love from both parents.

If children can receive enough love and support in this extremely difficult chapter of their lives, they can survive the suffering of a divorce relatively well. Never give up hope. Hold on to the dreams you have for each of your children. Every day is a new day.  You will see that your endeavors will pay off. Parents who are faithful in their efforts will be rewarded more than a hundredfold, at the latest, when they are grandparents. 

....  Manchmal hilft eine ernstgemeinte Entschuldigung weiter. Von allen Seiten. Auch wenn nicht alles optimal ist,  wollen wir doch das Beste füreinander. Lasst uns füreinander denken, fühlen und handeln. Lasst uns ein Team sein, das durc…

Sometimes an honest apology from all sides can be helpful. Although everything is not perfect, we really do want the best for each other. Let us think, feel and act with the other’s best interests in mind. Let us be a team that goes through thick and thin together. 

Take Care of Yourself!

Conversation is especially important for traumatized children. It helps them to understand life better and to recognize the opportunities and risks involved. The most important thing in this process is that the child can experience and know that he or she is loved. The practice of filling an emotional tank is practically experienced in active listening, helping the child to accept the reality of his or her situation, accepting his or her suffering, and showing empathy and suffering together.

Don’t forget your own needs. If you can love and accept yourself in adverse situations, if you can feel God’s comfort and Jesus’ love every day, you can look forward to getting your own love tank filled again and again.

In this especially difficult time, one must be careful about making new friends. Often, in a moment of vulnerability, especially on the heels of trauma, one is more likely to respond to romantic advances without analyzing the situation properly. Some people are skilled at detecting and exploiting such circumstances. Suddenly one might find oneself in the arms of one who is not trustworthy, but more interested in sexual, emotional or financial exploitation than in giving true love. Be careful! Loneliness and a desire for love can put you on perilous emotional ground, which can be compounded further by strategically wrong decisions. Good friends may be able to give counsel that could keep one from jumping from the frying pan into the fire! Ask them.

If you believe in God, ask your closest friends to pray for your family. It really makes a difference.

Wishing you much strength and wisdom,

Ernst

Ref:   The Five Love Languages for Children - Gary Chapman & Ross Campbel

How Anger can Change to Love

....Liebe und Zorn sind zwei Seelenzustände, die manchmal recht nahe beieinander liegen können. Oft werden wir zornig über Menschen, die wir lieben, nicht wahr? Was ist Zorn wirklich ? Woher kommt er und wie kann er gesteuert werden ? Damit und ande…

Love and anger are two emotions that can sometimes be found side by side. We often get angry with people we love, don’t we? What is anger really? Where does it come from, and how can it be governed? These and other questions shall be the subject of our thoughts today.

What is Anger?

Anger is an emotion that can disturb and destroy family life. It can lead to conflict in marriage and abuse of children. If anger is not overcome, much misery can be the result. For children, their own anger is a huge threat. By learning to deal with anger constructively, a child’s chances of making it through life well are much improved.

Just for the record at the outset: Anger is not always and in every case bad. Those who work for justice and the benefit and good of others can doubtless experience anger.

When we speak of anger, other related terms also come to mind: violence, frustration, aggression, rage, resentment, and aggravation.  When we speak of love, I think of things like love of self, love for others (altruism) and love for God.

Anger & Co.

Anger is an intense emotional response and is manifested in different degrees of intensity involving a strong, uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.[1] Anger can occur when a person feels their personal boundaries are being or are going to be violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation as a way of coping. The opposite of anger is meekness or gentleness.

On the one hand, anger is displayed as rage in the heat of the moment, a violent outburst of temper that can lead to uncontrolled acts or words. At that moment, the person is controlled by his/her anger and has no control over his or her actions or words. On the other hand, anger can manifest itself as a prolonged, seemingly justifiable indignation (resentment). Public or mob anger and the wrath of God are known examples. So anger that is ignited by a perceived wrong or unjust behavior is goal oriented and works to manipulate the situation according to one’s own opinions and needs, while rage is more general and tends to fly suddenly and uncontrollably in any or all directions.

Rage, as opposed to normal anger, is preceded by a slight of some kind (deeply unjust treatment) and feeds the growing fury in the individual who is bent on vengeance or retaliation. Anger, however, is fed by some denial of some perceived right or need (an child that doesn’t get the candy in the store; parents who have been disrespected; citizens who are upset by political decisions). The goal in this case is not necessarily revenge, but rather a clear expression of displeasure and dissatisfaction.

.... Viele Erwachsene leben ihren Zorn beim Autofahren aus. Eine gute Gelegenheit, wo niemand ausser sich selber zu Schaden kommen kann, meistens !! Falls Sie dieser Versuchung öfters erliegen, könnten Sie es ja mal versuchen, sich in der Verwandlun…

Many adults show their anger when they are driving. It’s a good opportunity to let it out, where no one gets hurt but themselves, usually!! If you find yourself falling often into this temptation, you might want to try replacing your angry thoughts with loving thoughts.

Anger among Children and Adults

If we want to pass on a constructive way of dealing with anger to those around us, and especially to our children, it is clear that we must first have learned it ourselves. This is also important within the marriage, which is the cornerstone and basis for all education and relationship in the family.

“Do your homework first, and then you can go outside and play!” Sentences like these can produce anger in children, but when a child has learned to accept boundaries, it will not be difficult to obey this simple rule. If not, the anger could build up inside and surface later as passive aggression. It is important that the parents recognize such problems and get professional help if needed. Happiness and disaster can be a near miss on either side of the question, if the problem is not solved.

Character Training

The way we deal with our anger deeply influences our personal development and strongly molds our characters. When we have learned to handle our anger sensibly, our characters can mature and develop on every level. One important part of this is our ability to deal with authority. This is an issue that influences an adult’s quality of professional and personal life, as well as his/ her spiritual dimension (relationship to God), which is of eternal relevance.

Those who would communicate values to their children have no choice but to give the subject the highest priority; otherwise the risk is high that their values will not be adopted. The individual who learns to transform challenges into constructive opportunities for growth, choosing sensible goals and activities rather than wallowing in self-pity has done his character a great service.

Passive Aggression

A widespread reaction to anger and rage is the destructive passive aggressive behavior. This is a form of payback, whereby the individual (usually) subconsciously does the opposite of what the person in authority has required, for example, parents, teachers, bosses and police. The issues can be conventions, norms and laws.

We can recognize passive aggression when we see that a person’s behavior defies all reason. When you have done everything humanly possibly to change the behavior, but to no avail, passive aggression is probably at the root.

Teenagers especially hurt themselves with this behavior. Being “cool” often means behaving passively aggressive. Today’s teenagers are generally confronted with drugs, violence, crime and sexual contact at an early age, which can lead to serious consequences. The risk of permanent damage is high. These young people need someone to spend time with them: playing sports, riding bikes, climbing, hiking in the mountains, generally a lot of exercise and good mind expanding, frontal lobe strengthening conversations. 

....Es ist ein grosser Vorteil, wenn die Teenager-Phase schon vorgängig vorbereitet wurde. In dieser Zeit, wo die passive Aggressivität gegenüber den meisten Autoritäten als cool gilt, aber höchst risikoanfällig ist, zahlt sich ein bewusster Umgang …

It is very advantageous to prepare for a child’s teenager phase ahead of time. To get through this extremely risky time of life, it’s a good idea to learn about and employ your child’s love languages early on and continuously.

This aggression can also often be observed in adults. Many have no idea about the cause of their anger. Maybe their parents tried to drive it out of them instead of dealing with them positively. Failing in one’s studies, problems at work and changing jobs frequently can all testify to this underlying problem. It can also lead to unnecessary quarrels in marriage.

Important points:

  • Anger in children should never be punished.

  • Children are helpless in the face of parental anger, which naturally produces either resignation or rebellion.

  • The main cause for anger and rebellion is always an empty love tank, unless it’s a problem of physical needs. A child will even interpret this violation as a lack of love.

  • A child’s most important daily question is, “Mommy, do you love me?” “Daddy, do you love me?”

  • How we handle anger reveals our degree of maturity.

What is Love?

Love is a term that often seems overused and worn out. We all know, “Love is what makes life worth living.” Despite this knowledge, in our everyday lives we don’t make many special efforts in that direction. Somehow we get distracted. What a shame . . .  

Wikipedia: "Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment.”

Love is a strong feeling springing from an attitude of intimate and deep emotional bonds with a person (or a group of people), in which the purpose or benefit thereof exceeds that of other interpersonal relationships. The feeling of love can be generated regardless of whether it is reciprocated or not. Love, which is lasting, and the phase of “being in love”, which is limited in duration, are two different states and must be differentiated. 

....Es geht nichts über die LIEBE. Sie ist das grösste Geschenk, das wir von unserem Schöpfer erhalten haben. Bei IHM können wir jederzeit unseren Liebestank wieder aufladen. Wer das gelernt hat, ist eigentlich zu beneiden ! ..Nothing is greater tha…

Nothing is greater than LOVE! It is the biggest gift we have received from our Creator. He can fill our love tank any time. Those who have discovered this secret are to be envied!!!

How Anger can be Transformed to Love

Anger, hatred, rage and aggravation can make those affected by them not only blind, but also sick. Those who cannot forgive suffer more often from heart disease, depression, asthma and intestinal illness. Bad feelings can also trigger allergies, sleeping disorders and cardiac dysrhythmia.

Positive and Negative Responses to Anger

Both adults and children can express themselves in different ways when angry.  The following escalating forms of anger can show where you or your child stands regarding this.

Negative Behavior (from minor to major)

  1. Aggravating and loud

  2. Anger expressed in areas outside of the problem at hand

  3. Name-calling

  4. Additional complaints cited

  5. Emotionally destructive

  6. Cursing

  7. Throwing objects

  8. Destroying others’ property

  9. Violence

  10. Passive aggressive behavior

Positive Behavior (from low to high intensity)

  1. Easygoing

  2. Looking for solutions

  3. Concentrating anger on the actual cause

  4. Limiting the conversation to the one original complaint

  5. Logic leading to solutions

....Vom Ärger direkt zum Kuss, das ist leichter gespielt als getan. Das Verständnis der bedingungslosen Liebe kann dabei eine grosse Hilfe dabei sein. ..Going from anger directly to a kiss is more easily play-acted than done for real. An understandi…

Going from anger directly to a kiss is more easily play-acted than done for real. An understanding of unconditional love can be of great help.

6 Steps to Transform Anger to Love 

1. Admit Anger

Our pride often prevents us from admitting our weaknesses in the presence of others. Where there is pride, there is trouble. Those who deny and suppress their aggression hurt themselves and their surroundings. Those who allow themselves can think and pray about their weakness so that God can give them clear instructions from His Word. It is extremely valuable to keep the Word present in our thoughts. There are many deep insights that can help us in our day-to-day life.

2. Analyze Anger

"What was it that hurt me the most? Which of my important values was violated?  Which of my rights was questioned? Why am I taking it so hard?" The three main causes for unjustifiable anger are selfishness, perfectionism and an attitude distorted by fear.

3. Put Anger in the Right Words

If possible: before you say anything, try a little prayer before the encounter. That can be enormously helpful.

Aggression and anger are often self-perpetuating. They get shouted and screamed, and are often accompanied by violence. Often one’s partner or the children are shut out. Dishes are demolished, clothes torn, or abominable language is used to terrorize souls. All these things lead nowhere good; they only destroy what has been built up with effort. Therefore, aggression should be expressed, but the right way. Speak in the first person: “I have a problem . . .”; the YOU-style sounds more like an accusation and tends to be unobjective.   

4. Clarify Guilt

Are you really convinced that the other person is to blame? How quickly we forget to take all relevant factors into consideration. Ask yourself, “Where have I erred? In what way did I promote the undesirable behavior of the other?” Those who can recognize and carry their share of the blame in matters of interpersonal wounds, effectively pulls the destructive teeth out the beast called “Anger.” If you begin by declaring your own guilt, it is easier for the other person to own up to their part of the guilt. An old German saying: (Ein Mann ist soviel Mann, wie er Schuld tragen kann) in English according to Terri:

  • "The inner stature of a man can vary

  • according to the measure of guilt he can carry." 

5. Have Christian Rules of Behavior been Infringed?

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this is the law and the prophets,” or "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Read the rules for life found in the book of Proverbs! In many places in the Bible we can recognize principles for daily living: a careful reading of God’s Word can sharpen our conscience.

6. Decide to Forgive

Forgiveness is the hardest but also the most profitable duty of love. Forgiveness is the exact opposite of what we are naturally inclined to do: get revenge, payback, humiliate the other. Those who forgive not only do others a huge favor, but also themselves. Those who do not forgive harm themselves more. Forgiveness is the crucial key to freedom.

....Es ist sicher auch Ihr Wunsch, dass wir alle nicht einfach das Handtuch werfen, sondern durch Übungen zum Meister darin werden, aus höchst unangenehmen Umständen positive zu machen, sozusagen ein Meister der Umstände zu werden. ..It is surely yo…

It is surely your wish, as well as mine, that we don’t all just give up and throw in the towel, but that we practice until we become masters at transforming highly uncomfortable situations into positive ones, becoming so to speak, masters of circumstances.

Summary

We have seen that the emotion ANGER holds great opportunities to generate a higher quality of life. When it is handled constructively, an important barrier on the way to happiness has been crossed. Parents who help their children in this area increase their children’s EQ , which helps build a solid foundation for happiness and contentment.

The Five Love Languages – Totally Awesome!

....Es wäre doch höchst dumm, wenn wir eigentlich lieben könnten, aber nicht wissen, wie es richtig gemacht wird! Oder ?Stellen Sie sich vor, Sie sind 10 Jahre verheiratet und finden erst dann heraus, welches die Liebessprache Ihres Partners wirklic…

Wouldn’t it be a pity if we loved someone, but didn’t know how to express it to them in a way they could understand?

Imagine you have been married for 10 years before you find out your partner’s love language! Wouldn’t it be better to figure it out earlier?

Imagine your partner finds out how you would like to be shown love after 20 years of marriage!!! So here’s the hot question: Do you know your love language and that of your loved ones?

LL 11 (2).JPG

Where do the love languages come from?

It is said there are five ways to communicate love to others.

Gary Chapman, a well-known Baptist pastor, anthropologist, marriage and relationship counselor and non-fiction writer, discovered this relationship therapy concept. In the meantime, it has become famous. It can be found in many books and in many languages throughout the whole world.

....Der Beginn: HIMMEL HOCH JAUCHZEND und das Ende: ZU TODE BETRÜBT. Um das zu vermeiden, gilt es einige verpasste Hausaufgaben zu machen. Ehe ist eine Charakterschule, wo man lernen soll, sich und den Partner besser zu verstehen und zu lieben. Das …

Many relationships begin with romance and end on a battlefield.

As relationship writer Joyce Landorf said years ago: (Paraphrase) Marriage begins with a white Chantilly lace gown coming down the aisle and all those beautiful words about “till death do us part,” but ends with a wish: “Death, come quickly! I’m ready!” How much sense does that make? It should never be! Don’t you think SOMEone should do SOMEthing about it? In order to avoid such a fate, we need to do some homework we have missed out on in the past. Marriage is a school for our character, where partners can learn to understand and love one another. That can be fun, but it is not only fun. It also requires effort.

The first vicious cycle usually begins with nagging about little things like emptying the garbage and picking up one’s clothes. The downward spiral continues with criticism of character. At this point, the relationship deteriorates further, and the resulting rut will be difficult to get out of. Many feel they don’t have the time, or their will is not strong enough to produce the effort needed. The weaker one’s frontal lobe is, the harder it is to overcome.

....So schnell kann es passieren, dass man beleidigt ist, sich missverstanden fühlt, verlassen oder verraten vorkommt. Und IMMER ist der andere Schuld. Vielen Paaren ist nicht klar, dass JEDER EINZELNE für sein eigenes Denk-, Fühl- und Handlungs-SYS…

We take offense much too quickly. We feel misunderstood, forlorn or betrayed, and the blame is NEVER our own. Many couples don’t realize that EACH ONE is responsible for his or her own SYSTEM of thoughts, feelings and actions. The way I react to emotional infringements is my business and no one else’s. Am I making sense? Is it clear?

  • Where did love go after the wedding?

  • Where are the motivators that make love possible?

  • How can I keep love alive in my marriage?

  • How do I work, when it comes to the subject of LOVE?

You might ask, “When 50% of marriages fail, can I succeed?" I want to encourage you and say, YES, YOU CAN! If you’re having trouble, I would love to help you.

....Terri und ich hatten eine wunderschöne Hochzeit. Für uns waren die ersten vier Jahre besondere. Das ist wichtig für spätere schwierige Zeiten. Es kamen dann die Kinder, was unsere Rollen sehr verändert hat und eine Anpassung verlangte. Da kann e…

Terri and I had a wonderful wedding and the first four years of marriage were like a dream. We realized later how important that time was to help us get through the difficult times that would come. When the children arrived on the scene, our roles changed and adjustments were necessary. In this phase, it may happen that the husband, who is used to being number ONE for his wife, suddenly has to don the #2 position, then #3 or even #4. It’s quite a challenging process and can only end successfully if both parties are willing to put forth some constructive effort.

We may go to many communication seminars, read books and get counseling, but if we are not willing to think about our own situation and that of our partner, if we’re not willing to put the newly acquired knowledge to use, whatever the cost, nothing will change. The vicious cycle will continue to spiral downward. That would be a pity!

Only those who think well can do good.

Gary Chapman discovered that we humans all speak different love languages. We learned our love languages in our childhood, something like our mother tongue, so to speak. Generally, we don’t remember the first three years of life, but after that, we can possibly remember a lot. How did you experience the years between 3-6, before you went to school?

Many husbands try to show their love by saying, “I love you, Honey.” Or they may say, “I’m so happy to be your husband.” Confusion sets in when their loving words seem to bounce off. They don’t realize their wives cannot be reached with loving words. They are wired to understand loving acts.

And so it is that every individual has his or her OWN LOVE LANGUAGE(S). And there are as many variations of these languages as there are dialects in the world. It’s an important task and a huge challenge for husbands and wives to decode each other’s mother tongues.

....Auch die Beziehung zu den Geschwistern kann eine wichtige Rolle spielen. Sind es Eifersucht, Anerkennungs-Kämpfe, Verlustängste und Ehrgeiz, die dominieren? Oder sind es ein Füreinander-Sein, ein Miteinander-Probleme-lösen und ein gegenseitiges …

A child’s relationship to his or her siblings can also be decisive. Is jealousy, strife for recognition, fear of loss or ambition dominant? Or is there a team spirit, an attitude of “together we can do this!” and generosity in the bestowal of time and attention?

Children who feel loved by their parents will develop their love languages better and faster. If they feel valued and welcome in the family, the results will be clearly visible. The more love languages one “speaks” or understands, the easier it will be for them to feel loved and happy in any relationship. Life is good.

Children who feel unloved will develop a limited love language. Feelings of low self-worth and insecurity, feeling unwanted by parents and scorned by siblings, all these leave visible marks on the soul.

Seldom do married couples speak the same love language. For this reason, they are challenged to get to know their loved one’s language and make the necessary adjustments in their own thoughts, feelings and deeds. The rewards will be a thousand fold.

....Von der Romantik geht es in die reale Welt des Lebens. Langsam aber sicher findet man heraus, wer Mann/Frau eigentlich ist. Dabei ist es ein Geschenk, wenn man die Romantik mitnehmen kann...At some point after a phase of sparks and romance, coup…

At some point after a phase of sparks and romance, couples are almost certainly ushered into real life. Slowly, but surely, they discover their own identity and that of their partners. If a couple is able to save some romance and take it along on this adventure, it can make their journey together a truly joyful experience.

What is love anyway?

From child psychology, we know that every child has certain basic needs. One of most important of these is the longing for love and affection. If a child feels appreciated, he or she can develop into a responsible adult. If his or her love tank is filled on a regular basis, less behavioral disturbances will arise.

Marriage should be a place where foundational needs like intimacy, security, trust and acceptance are met and practiced. 

Solitary confinement is known to be the worst possible punishment. Isolation of any kind is destructive to the human soul.

In order to prevent this unfortunate situation and to give us a system in which we might develop true love, God gave us the institution of marriage. The Bible speaks of a couple becoming ONE FLESH. This is the highest form of love and happiness possible in marriage. The only relationship that can outmatch it is a deep relationship with Jesus.

Infatuation versus True Love

Normally it takes about two years of marriage for a couple to transition from infatuation to true love. This means that our understanding of love is often not well developed. The following tables compare the two:

Im jugendlichen Leichtsinn passieren oft Dinge, die besser nicht geschehen wären. Später ist man klüger, aber die Jüngeren sollten es doch früh genug wissen ...Weitere Eigenarten dieser beiden 'Systeme'

.

Weitere Eigenarten dieser beiden 'Systeme'

Wer diese zwei 'Systeme' versteht, ist eingeladen, ja gebeten, den zahlreichen unwissenden Jugendlichen zu helfen, damit sie nicht unnötiges Leid für sich und andere produzieren.

Wer diese zwei 'Systeme' versteht, ist eingeladen, ja gebeten, den zahlreichen unwissenden Jugendlichen zu helfen, damit sie nicht unnötiges Leid für sich und andere produzieren.

In a thoughtless moment, a youth may do things that would be better left undone. Our hindsight is always better than our foresight. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if young people could learn early enough to avoid tragic mistakes?More characteristics of th…

In a thoughtless moment, a youth may do things that would be better left undone. Our hindsight is always better than our foresight. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if young people could learn early enough to avoid tragic mistakes?

More characteristics of these two “systems”:

Those who understand these two systems are invited, even requested, to help the uniformed young people within their sphere of influence avoid producing unnecessary pain and suffering for themselves and others.

Those who understand these two systems are invited, even requested, to help the uniformed young people within their sphere of influence avoid producing unnecessary pain and suffering for themselves and others.

....Echte Liebe ist gesucht. Füreinander sein trotz Widerständen. An Weisheit und Reife zunehmen, die Liebesqualität verbessern. Gläubige Christen finden in der Person JESUS die Liebesquelle, die den Liebestank immer wieder auffüllt. Gott sei herzli…

Wanted: True Love – supporting one another in spite of all obstacles, growing together in wisdom and maturity, improving the quality of love experienced. Christian believers find their source of love the constant filler of their love tanks in the person of JESUS. Thanks be to God for His amazing gift!

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