Wouldn’t it be a pity if we loved someone, but didn’t know how to express it to them in a way they could understand?
Imagine you have been married for 10 years before you find out your partner’s love language! Wouldn’t it be better to figure it out earlier?
Imagine your partner finds out how you would like to be shown love after 20 years of marriage!!! So here’s the hot question: Do you know your love language and that of your loved ones?
Where do the love languages come from?
It is said there are five ways to communicate love to others.
Gary Chapman, a well-known Baptist pastor, anthropologist, marriage and relationship counselor and non-fiction writer, discovered this relationship therapy concept. In the meantime, it has become famous. It can be found in many books and in many languages throughout the whole world.
Many relationships begin with romance and end on a battlefield.
As relationship writer Joyce Landorf said years ago: (Paraphrase) Marriage begins with a white Chantilly lace gown coming down the aisle and all those beautiful words about “till death do us part,” but ends with a wish: “Death, come quickly! I’m ready!” How much sense does that make? It should never be! Don’t you think SOMEone should do SOMEthing about it? In order to avoid such a fate, we need to do some homework we have missed out on in the past. Marriage is a school for our character, where partners can learn to understand and love one another. That can be fun, but it is not only fun. It also requires effort.
The first vicious cycle usually begins with nagging about little things like emptying the garbage and picking up one’s clothes. The downward spiral continues with criticism of character. At this point, the relationship deteriorates further, and the resulting rut will be difficult to get out of. Many feel they don’t have the time, or their will is not strong enough to produce the effort needed. The weaker one’s frontal lobe is, the harder it is to overcome.
We take offense much too quickly. We feel misunderstood, forlorn or betrayed, and the blame is NEVER our own. Many couples don’t realize that EACH ONE is responsible for his or her own SYSTEM of thoughts, feelings and actions. The way I react to emotional infringements is my business and no one else’s. Am I making sense? Is it clear?
Where did love go after the wedding?
Where are the motivators that make love possible?
How can I keep love alive in my marriage?
How do I work, when it comes to the subject of LOVE?
You might ask, “When 50% of marriages fail, can I succeed?" I want to encourage you and say, YES, YOU CAN! If you’re having trouble, I would love to help you.
Terri and I had a wonderful wedding and the first four years of marriage were like a dream. We realized later how important that time was to help us get through the difficult times that would come. When the children arrived on the scene, our roles changed and adjustments were necessary. In this phase, it may happen that the husband, who is used to being number ONE for his wife, suddenly has to don the #2 position, then #3 or even #4. It’s quite a challenging process and can only end successfully if both parties are willing to put forth some constructive effort.
We may go to many communication seminars, read books and get counseling, but if we are not willing to think about our own situation and that of our partner, if we’re not willing to put the newly acquired knowledge to use, whatever the cost, nothing will change. The vicious cycle will continue to spiral downward. That would be a pity!
Only those who think well can do good.
Gary Chapman discovered that we humans all speak different love languages. We learned our love languages in our childhood, something like our mother tongue, so to speak. Generally, we don’t remember the first three years of life, but after that, we can possibly remember a lot. How did you experience the years between 3-6, before you went to school?
Many husbands try to show their love by saying, “I love you, Honey.” Or they may say, “I’m so happy to be your husband.” Confusion sets in when their loving words seem to bounce off. They don’t realize their wives cannot be reached with loving words. They are wired to understand loving acts.
And so it is that every individual has his or her OWN LOVE LANGUAGE(S). And there are as many variations of these languages as there are dialects in the world. It’s an important task and a huge challenge for husbands and wives to decode each other’s mother tongues.
A child’s relationship to his or her siblings can also be decisive. Is jealousy, strife for recognition, fear of loss or ambition dominant? Or is there a team spirit, an attitude of “together we can do this!” and generosity in the bestowal of time and attention?
Children who feel loved by their parents will develop their love languages better and faster. If they feel valued and welcome in the family, the results will be clearly visible. The more love languages one “speaks” or understands, the easier it will be for them to feel loved and happy in any relationship. Life is good.
Children who feel unloved will develop a limited love language. Feelings of low self-worth and insecurity, feeling unwanted by parents and scorned by siblings, all these leave visible marks on the soul.
Seldom do married couples speak the same love language. For this reason, they are challenged to get to know their loved one’s language and make the necessary adjustments in their own thoughts, feelings and deeds. The rewards will be a thousand fold.
At some point after a phase of sparks and romance, couples are almost certainly ushered into real life. Slowly, but surely, they discover their own identity and that of their partners. If a couple is able to save some romance and take it along on this adventure, it can make their journey together a truly joyful experience.
What is love anyway?
From child psychology, we know that every child has certain basic needs. One of most important of these is the longing for love and affection. If a child feels appreciated, he or she can develop into a responsible adult. If his or her love tank is filled on a regular basis, less behavioral disturbances will arise.
Marriage should be a place where foundational needs like intimacy, security, trust and acceptance are met and practiced.
Solitary confinement is known to be the worst possible punishment. Isolation of any kind is destructive to the human soul.
In order to prevent this unfortunate situation and to give us a system in which we might develop true love, God gave us the institution of marriage. The Bible speaks of a couple becoming ONE FLESH. This is the highest form of love and happiness possible in marriage. The only relationship that can outmatch it is a deep relationship with Jesus.
Infatuation versus True Love
Normally it takes about two years of marriage for a couple to transition from infatuation to true love. This means that our understanding of love is often not well developed. The following tables compare the two:
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Weitere Eigenarten dieser beiden 'Systeme'
Wer diese zwei 'Systeme' versteht, ist eingeladen, ja gebeten, den zahlreichen unwissenden Jugendlichen zu helfen, damit sie nicht unnötiges Leid für sich und andere produzieren.
In a thoughtless moment, a youth may do things that would be better left undone. Our hindsight is always better than our foresight. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if young people could learn early enough to avoid tragic mistakes?
More characteristics of these two “systems”:
Those who understand these two systems are invited, even requested, to help the uniformed young people within their sphere of influence avoid producing unnecessary pain and suffering for themselves and others.
Wanted: True Love – supporting one another in spite of all obstacles, growing together in wisdom and maturity, improving the quality of love experienced. Christian believers find their source of love the constant filler of their love tanks in the person of JESUS. Thanks be to God for His amazing gift!
