Love and anger are two emotions that can sometimes be found side by side. We often get angry with people we love, don’t we? What is anger really? Where does it come from, and how can it be governed? These and other questions shall be the subject of our thoughts today.
What is Anger?
Anger is an emotion that can disturb and destroy family life. It can lead to conflict in marriage and abuse of children. If anger is not overcome, much misery can be the result. For children, their own anger is a huge threat. By learning to deal with anger constructively, a child’s chances of making it through life well are much improved.
Just for the record at the outset: Anger is not always and in every case bad. Those who work for justice and the benefit and good of others can doubtless experience anger.
When we speak of anger, other related terms also come to mind: violence, frustration, aggression, rage, resentment, and aggravation. When we speak of love, I think of things like love of self, love for others (altruism) and love for God.
Anger & Co.
Anger is an intense emotional response and is manifested in different degrees of intensity involving a strong, uncomfortable and hostile response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat.[1] Anger can occur when a person feels their personal boundaries are being or are going to be violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation as a way of coping. The opposite of anger is meekness or gentleness.
On the one hand, anger is displayed as rage in the heat of the moment, a violent outburst of temper that can lead to uncontrolled acts or words. At that moment, the person is controlled by his/her anger and has no control over his or her actions or words. On the other hand, anger can manifest itself as a prolonged, seemingly justifiable indignation (resentment). Public or mob anger and the wrath of God are known examples. So anger that is ignited by a perceived wrong or unjust behavior is goal oriented and works to manipulate the situation according to one’s own opinions and needs, while rage is more general and tends to fly suddenly and uncontrollably in any or all directions.
Rage, as opposed to normal anger, is preceded by a slight of some kind (deeply unjust treatment) and feeds the growing fury in the individual who is bent on vengeance or retaliation. Anger, however, is fed by some denial of some perceived right or need (an child that doesn’t get the candy in the store; parents who have been disrespected; citizens who are upset by political decisions). The goal in this case is not necessarily revenge, but rather a clear expression of displeasure and dissatisfaction.
Many adults show their anger when they are driving. It’s a good opportunity to let it out, where no one gets hurt but themselves, usually!! If you find yourself falling often into this temptation, you might want to try replacing your angry thoughts with loving thoughts.
Anger among Children and Adults
If we want to pass on a constructive way of dealing with anger to those around us, and especially to our children, it is clear that we must first have learned it ourselves. This is also important within the marriage, which is the cornerstone and basis for all education and relationship in the family.
“Do your homework first, and then you can go outside and play!” Sentences like these can produce anger in children, but when a child has learned to accept boundaries, it will not be difficult to obey this simple rule. If not, the anger could build up inside and surface later as passive aggression. It is important that the parents recognize such problems and get professional help if needed. Happiness and disaster can be a near miss on either side of the question, if the problem is not solved.
Character Training
The way we deal with our anger deeply influences our personal development and strongly molds our characters. When we have learned to handle our anger sensibly, our characters can mature and develop on every level. One important part of this is our ability to deal with authority. This is an issue that influences an adult’s quality of professional and personal life, as well as his/ her spiritual dimension (relationship to God), which is of eternal relevance.
Those who would communicate values to their children have no choice but to give the subject the highest priority; otherwise the risk is high that their values will not be adopted. The individual who learns to transform challenges into constructive opportunities for growth, choosing sensible goals and activities rather than wallowing in self-pity has done his character a great service.
Passive Aggression
A widespread reaction to anger and rage is the destructive passive aggressive behavior. This is a form of payback, whereby the individual (usually) subconsciously does the opposite of what the person in authority has required, for example, parents, teachers, bosses and police. The issues can be conventions, norms and laws.
We can recognize passive aggression when we see that a person’s behavior defies all reason. When you have done everything humanly possibly to change the behavior, but to no avail, passive aggression is probably at the root.
Teenagers especially hurt themselves with this behavior. Being “cool” often means behaving passively aggressive. Today’s teenagers are generally confronted with drugs, violence, crime and sexual contact at an early age, which can lead to serious consequences. The risk of permanent damage is high. These young people need someone to spend time with them: playing sports, riding bikes, climbing, hiking in the mountains, generally a lot of exercise and good mind expanding, frontal lobe strengthening conversations.
It is very advantageous to prepare for a child’s teenager phase ahead of time. To get through this extremely risky time of life, it’s a good idea to learn about and employ your child’s love languages early on and continuously.
This aggression can also often be observed in adults. Many have no idea about the cause of their anger. Maybe their parents tried to drive it out of them instead of dealing with them positively. Failing in one’s studies, problems at work and changing jobs frequently can all testify to this underlying problem. It can also lead to unnecessary quarrels in marriage.
Important points:
Anger in children should never be punished.
Children are helpless in the face of parental anger, which naturally produces either resignation or rebellion.
The main cause for anger and rebellion is always an empty love tank, unless it’s a problem of physical needs. A child will even interpret this violation as a lack of love.
A child’s most important daily question is, “Mommy, do you love me?” “Daddy, do you love me?”
How we handle anger reveals our degree of maturity.
What is Love?
Love is a term that often seems overused and worn out. We all know, “Love is what makes life worth living.” Despite this knowledge, in our everyday lives we don’t make many special efforts in that direction. Somehow we get distracted. What a shame . . .
Wikipedia: "Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment.”
Love is a strong feeling springing from an attitude of intimate and deep emotional bonds with a person (or a group of people), in which the purpose or benefit thereof exceeds that of other interpersonal relationships. The feeling of love can be generated regardless of whether it is reciprocated or not. Love, which is lasting, and the phase of “being in love”, which is limited in duration, are two different states and must be differentiated.
Nothing is greater than LOVE! It is the biggest gift we have received from our Creator. He can fill our love tank any time. Those who have discovered this secret are to be envied!!!
How Anger can be Transformed to Love
Anger, hatred, rage and aggravation can make those affected by them not only blind, but also sick. Those who cannot forgive suffer more often from heart disease, depression, asthma and intestinal illness. Bad feelings can also trigger allergies, sleeping disorders and cardiac dysrhythmia.
Positive and Negative Responses to Anger
Both adults and children can express themselves in different ways when angry. The following escalating forms of anger can show where you or your child stands regarding this.
Negative Behavior (from minor to major)
Aggravating and loud
Anger expressed in areas outside of the problem at hand
Name-calling
Additional complaints cited
Emotionally destructive
Cursing
Throwing objects
Destroying others’ property
Violence
Passive aggressive behavior
Positive Behavior (from low to high intensity)
Easygoing
Looking for solutions
Concentrating anger on the actual cause
Limiting the conversation to the one original complaint
Logic leading to solutions
Going from anger directly to a kiss is more easily play-acted than done for real. An understanding of unconditional love can be of great help.
6 Steps to Transform Anger to Love
1. Admit Anger
Our pride often prevents us from admitting our weaknesses in the presence of others. Where there is pride, there is trouble. Those who deny and suppress their aggression hurt themselves and their surroundings. Those who allow themselves can think and pray about their weakness so that God can give them clear instructions from His Word. It is extremely valuable to keep the Word present in our thoughts. There are many deep insights that can help us in our day-to-day life.
2. Analyze Anger
"What was it that hurt me the most? Which of my important values was violated? Which of my rights was questioned? Why am I taking it so hard?" The three main causes for unjustifiable anger are selfishness, perfectionism and an attitude distorted by fear.
3. Put Anger in the Right Words
If possible: before you say anything, try a little prayer before the encounter. That can be enormously helpful.
Aggression and anger are often self-perpetuating. They get shouted and screamed, and are often accompanied by violence. Often one’s partner or the children are shut out. Dishes are demolished, clothes torn, or abominable language is used to terrorize souls. All these things lead nowhere good; they only destroy what has been built up with effort. Therefore, aggression should be expressed, but the right way. Speak in the first person: “I have a problem . . .”; the YOU-style sounds more like an accusation and tends to be unobjective.
4. Clarify Guilt
Are you really convinced that the other person is to blame? How quickly we forget to take all relevant factors into consideration. Ask yourself, “Where have I erred? In what way did I promote the undesirable behavior of the other?” Those who can recognize and carry their share of the blame in matters of interpersonal wounds, effectively pulls the destructive teeth out the beast called “Anger.” If you begin by declaring your own guilt, it is easier for the other person to own up to their part of the guilt. An old German saying: (Ein Mann ist soviel Mann, wie er Schuld tragen kann) in English according to Terri:
"The inner stature of a man can vary
according to the measure of guilt he can carry."
5. Have Christian Rules of Behavior been Infringed?
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, for this is the law and the prophets,” or "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Read the rules for life found in the book of Proverbs! In many places in the Bible we can recognize principles for daily living: a careful reading of God’s Word can sharpen our conscience.
6. Decide to Forgive
Forgiveness is the hardest but also the most profitable duty of love. Forgiveness is the exact opposite of what we are naturally inclined to do: get revenge, payback, humiliate the other. Those who forgive not only do others a huge favor, but also themselves. Those who do not forgive harm themselves more. Forgiveness is the crucial key to freedom.
It is surely your wish, as well as mine, that we don’t all just give up and throw in the towel, but that we practice until we become masters at transforming highly uncomfortable situations into positive ones, becoming so to speak, masters of circumstances.
Summary
We have seen that the emotion ANGER holds great opportunities to generate a higher quality of life. When it is handled constructively, an important barrier on the way to happiness has been crossed. Parents who help their children in this area increase their children’s EQ , which helps build a solid foundation for happiness and contentment.
