Better DUET instead of DUEL

What a joy when husband and wife together make the family a community effort with the goal of building a meaningful, good future for themselves and the children! But reality shows that these are the exceptions. This blog would like to encourage the reader to take a step forward here.

Wikipedia on DUEL and DUETT

DUET

Duo Latin means 'two'. A duet is a musical work by two musicians (ensemble) or two (vocal) soloists. Even in nature there are animals where two partners sing in a duet.

DUEL

Latin duellum means 'duel'. This means a voluntary duel with the same, potentially deadly weapons, where honor disputes are fought according to traditionally established rules. Duels are prohibited in most countries.

It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!

Important is:

Don't waste a good conflict!

Recognize the chances of conflict. Every conflict has growth potential. It shows the way to reality and truth and points to something really important. He also shows the need for adjustment, because the situation can quickly lead to improvement and more maturity.

It quickly becomes clear that your own personality has a strong influence on the result when resolving conflicts. The following are some hot questions that you may be able to answer for yourself:

How do you tend to deal with daily conflicts? (LINK)

• Do you lose a lot of energy, do you quickly become insecure, lose your balance and do not know how to find a solution?

• Can you say NO with kind eyes, even thank you, or ‘the moment is bad’, or do you refer nicely to rules or principles and know how to say the right thing at the right time? EXCELLENT!

Do you have a mature temperament, (LINK)

• who has learned to look for the benefits, the truth and thus a good solution in conflicts?

• or do you not care, but it is important that you see your honor saved?

What did you build your self-worth on? (LINK)

• Is your track record more important than your relationships?

• Do you only agree to a conflict resolution when a profit is secured?

• Or are the relationships more important to you than anything else so that you do not have any relationship problems?

Do you know the partner's love languages ​​or your own? (LINK)

• Could it be that that conflict just trampled on one of the five love languages ​​at the partner?

• Was there perhaps too much reprimand instead of recognition?

• Was physical or linguistic rigor used instead of tenderness?

• Has practical help perished in the conflict?

Which of the following variants did you support in the last conflict? (LINK)

RETREAT? - fleeing the conflict area in a hurry, avoidance announced and everything swept under the carpet?

PUSH THROUGH? - was it about definitely asserting yourself, whatever the cost?

COMPROMISE? - did you try to reach a compromise, where everyone moves away from their demands and comes up to something until the partner is satisfied?

GIVE IN? - was it easier to just give in, to submit and for harmony to forego important things?

COOPERATION? - or did you opt for the best solution in most cases, which relies on creative cooperation and pursues an optimal solution with mutual interests?

Often the roles taken make conflict resolution more difficult. Are you a teacher who is used to being a referee, always being right and therefore used to making decisions for 'subordinates'? Then it is much more challenging to look for a solution together democratically, sensitively, benevolently.

Self-awareness is crucial

We have seen that who we are plays a crucial role in conflict management. Those who live in balance have quickly found a healthy solution. Interesting that this topic is also addressed in the Bible. I particularly like Paul's statement in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28:

If you love your spouse, you love yourself!

So if I know my deficits and strengths, I'm more likely to recognize them in others. This makes it much easier to solve everyday challenges.

Ask yourself how much you love yourself. If you can roughly answer that and compare it with the quality of love that you show your partner, then this sentence above will be more understandable to you.

Self-love and social competence (LINK)

These two important components determine our quality of life. Anyone who invests here will be rewarded. Our fears disturb us. These should be replaced with positive arguments, namely with love thoughts. Those who base their thoughts on love have good fruits to reap.

In our Christian West, we have also developed Christian values. They can no longer be felt everywhere, but are still very important. Here are some:

• Respect your neighbor

• Respect your neighbor higher than yourself

• Every person is lovable

• Together we are stronger

Of course, our understanding of love, be it conditional or unconditional (LINK), plays an important role. Our need for harmony and acceptance can also be very important when it comes to the outcome of a conflict. Here are some key words that can be supportive:

• Not all conflicts are solvable

• Why not give the humor a little space too?

• It is better to discuss at the factual level than at the guilt level

• If you can say ‘sorry’, you will help further

• Instead of building a wall, a positive basic attitude helps better

• Taking responsibility and giving trust helps

I wish you every success in your next conflict !!

See A Model for Conflict Resolution

  Never waste a good conflict! They are often opportunities to grow!!

What roll do you play in conflict situations?  Do you stand your ground? Are you generally cooperative and willing to compromise, or do you, in the name of peace, forgo the right to defend your opinion and your solution?

Depending on the strength of your partner’s ego, a variety of reactions can emerge. Have you noticed?

The tension that exists between the

• emotional, person-oriented behavior (self – assertion, forcing one’s own opinion) and the

• constructive, object-oriented behavior (considerate of the other’s arguments)

can be seen in the conflict management model below.

  Where do you generally find yourself when it comes to conflict solving? Where would you like to be?

Zwang=Force  /  Rückzug=Withdrawal / Flexibilität=Flexibility /  Kooperation=Cooperation / Kompromiss=Compromise  (German is easy, right ?)

Force:   This approach shows no willingness to compromise. It asserts itself and is uncooperative. Power over reason. A means of achieving its goals can be:

• Pressure (guilty conscience, status - “I’m the boss here!”),
• Aggressive behavior (choleric, dominant, unbalanced)
• Threats (of disproportionate consequences)

Withdrawal:  This attitude is revealed in ever-increasing negation and minimization of the conflict. Ignoring a conflict can help achieve the following:

• Tensions can be reduced
• Time can be gained
• Alternative solutions can be worked on and sought after

Flexibility:   This mindset reveals an attitude of cooperation.  In this case, it is possible that one’s own, important interests will be neglected. Unselfish generosity and kindness will always be appreciated, but it is not always reasonable. Some advantages:

• Opportunities are created for others
• Resulting in an atmosphere of reciprocal goodwill
• Peace and harmony are in the home

Cooperation:   This is a solution-oriented attitude that takes the various personal interests of both parties into account. It’s not a matter of finding a lazy compromise, but of looking for and eliminating the root cause of the problem. Consequences of this type of conflict resolution:

• The integration of various forms of solutions
• Potential knowledge-base is broadened, complex learning is facilitated
• Relationships improve and deepen

Compromise:   The goal of this approach is to find an expedient solution that is acceptable for both sides, creating a win/win situation. When viewed objectively, however, it is not necessarily the best solution. This is the variation that is chosen when …

• It seems to be the only feasible solution
• Both parties are unbending and/or equal in strength
• A quick solution is needed

  Remember, there’s a lot more behind a handshake than just the issue at hand.

When conflict spells opportunity

Conflict is carried out on more than one level, and it is a true art to recognize the depth to which a specific conflict can go. For example, the root cause behind a lack of cooperation/denial/refusal of any kind could be a deep-seated insecurity, a nagging doubt that one is loved, or at least accepted.

To the empathetic and psychological eye, many interactions reveal a cry for love. Fatigue, depression, lethargy and apathy are often signs of a deeply felt lack of love, but it can also manifest itself in behavior calculated to draw attention or awaken pity.

So, to know and understand your partner’s inner self can help to recognize the degree of importance expressed in a conflict and to adjust one’s own behavior accordingly. One could, for example, ask questions that could lead away from shallow situations to something deeper.

Finding the path into the depths of a soul is an art that carries great rewards. 

My recommendation: Take conflict seriously. Try to see and comprehend what’s above, below, behind and around it.  Here’s wishing you every success!