Better DUET instead of DUEL

What a joy when husband and wife together make the family a community effort with the goal of building a meaningful, good future for themselves and the children! But reality shows that these are the exceptions. This blog would like to encourage the reader to take a step forward here.

Wikipedia on DUEL and DUETT

DUET

Duo Latin means 'two'. A duet is a musical work by two musicians (ensemble) or two (vocal) soloists. Even in nature there are animals where two partners sing in a duet.

DUEL

Latin duellum means 'duel'. This means a voluntary duel with the same, potentially deadly weapons, where honor disputes are fought according to traditionally established rules. Duels are prohibited in most countries.

It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!

Important is:

Don't waste a good conflict!

Recognize the chances of conflict. Every conflict has growth potential. It shows the way to reality and truth and points to something really important. He also shows the need for adjustment, because the situation can quickly lead to improvement and more maturity.

It quickly becomes clear that your own personality has a strong influence on the result when resolving conflicts. The following are some hot questions that you may be able to answer for yourself:

How do you tend to deal with daily conflicts? (LINK)

• Do you lose a lot of energy, do you quickly become insecure, lose your balance and do not know how to find a solution?

• Can you say NO with kind eyes, even thank you, or ‘the moment is bad’, or do you refer nicely to rules or principles and know how to say the right thing at the right time? EXCELLENT!

Do you have a mature temperament, (LINK)

• who has learned to look for the benefits, the truth and thus a good solution in conflicts?

• or do you not care, but it is important that you see your honor saved?

What did you build your self-worth on? (LINK)

• Is your track record more important than your relationships?

• Do you only agree to a conflict resolution when a profit is secured?

• Or are the relationships more important to you than anything else so that you do not have any relationship problems?

Do you know the partner's love languages ​​or your own? (LINK)

• Could it be that that conflict just trampled on one of the five love languages ​​at the partner?

• Was there perhaps too much reprimand instead of recognition?

• Was physical or linguistic rigor used instead of tenderness?

• Has practical help perished in the conflict?

Which of the following variants did you support in the last conflict? (LINK)

RETREAT? - fleeing the conflict area in a hurry, avoidance announced and everything swept under the carpet?

PUSH THROUGH? - was it about definitely asserting yourself, whatever the cost?

COMPROMISE? - did you try to reach a compromise, where everyone moves away from their demands and comes up to something until the partner is satisfied?

GIVE IN? - was it easier to just give in, to submit and for harmony to forego important things?

COOPERATION? - or did you opt for the best solution in most cases, which relies on creative cooperation and pursues an optimal solution with mutual interests?

Often the roles taken make conflict resolution more difficult. Are you a teacher who is used to being a referee, always being right and therefore used to making decisions for 'subordinates'? Then it is much more challenging to look for a solution together democratically, sensitively, benevolently.

Self-awareness is crucial

We have seen that who we are plays a crucial role in conflict management. Those who live in balance have quickly found a healthy solution. Interesting that this topic is also addressed in the Bible. I particularly like Paul's statement in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28:

If you love your spouse, you love yourself!

So if I know my deficits and strengths, I'm more likely to recognize them in others. This makes it much easier to solve everyday challenges.

Ask yourself how much you love yourself. If you can roughly answer that and compare it with the quality of love that you show your partner, then this sentence above will be more understandable to you.

Self-love and social competence (LINK)

These two important components determine our quality of life. Anyone who invests here will be rewarded. Our fears disturb us. These should be replaced with positive arguments, namely with love thoughts. Those who base their thoughts on love have good fruits to reap.

In our Christian West, we have also developed Christian values. They can no longer be felt everywhere, but are still very important. Here are some:

• Respect your neighbor

• Respect your neighbor higher than yourself

• Every person is lovable

• Together we are stronger

Of course, our understanding of love, be it conditional or unconditional (LINK), plays an important role. Our need for harmony and acceptance can also be very important when it comes to the outcome of a conflict. Here are some key words that can be supportive:

• Not all conflicts are solvable

• Why not give the humor a little space too?

• It is better to discuss at the factual level than at the guilt level

• If you can say ‘sorry’, you will help further

• Instead of building a wall, a positive basic attitude helps better

• Taking responsibility and giving trust helps

I wish you every success in your next conflict !!

Premarital Sex – Pros and Cons

The newest studies on this subject have come to some extremely interesting conclusions. Both parents and young people have much food for thought and opportunities for growth.

The Current Situation

People who are 50 and older say that today’s society is not what it used to be! Evidently they are thinking of past norms and standards, of which our attitude toward sexuality is a part. In addition, the family as a sacred unit is showing signs of dying. New forms of relationships are being introduced. These are a far cry from yesteryear’s societal and biblical traditions.

Modern and different relationships are in. Old, uptight inhibitions of the past are thrown overboard in favor of new experiments. Past ethics and morals are, generally, consciously ignored. Every person should be able to choose his or her or its own gender. Fascinating (and scary) thought! Where might it lead us?

When it comes to premarital sex, there are countries where it remains taboo. Among these are Indonesia, Turkey, Egypt, China and Israel. At the other end of the spectrum, countries where it is more readily accepted as the new “normal” are Germany, France, Spain and Italy. The USA is closer to the middle, between these two mindsets.

In the second list of countries there is also a shift in attitude toward divorce and affairs, and these have also become more commonplace. Sex, whenever and with whom ever you want it, is seen as comparable with food and other matters of enjoyment. Lust is in. Some people’s lives declare, "I’m going to enjoy life to the fullest and nobody can stop me! After all, that’s what life is all about!" Is it really?

Every teenager’s dream: a loving, lifelong partner with whom to share unfettered joy and happiness. This is, unfortunately, a dream that too often ends in a nightmare. It shouldn’t be that way. It would really be worth the effort to learn how to avoid making such a disaster your own experience.

Questions

Observant and thoughtful people may ask themselves the following questions:

• What are the advantages of having sex before marriage?

• What advantages are there in waiting until marriage?

• What are the consequences of living together outside of marriage?

Study

Between 2006 and 2009, 2035 US citizens answered the comprehensive 300-question "Relationship Evaluation Questionnaire". All the participants were in heterosexual relationships.

Results

This study clearly showed that the longer a couple waits for sexual intimacy, the better sexual satisfaction, communication, stability and happiness can be expected in marriage.

Some may interject the importance of finding out their level of sexual compatibility before getting tied down. Although that could actually be a good argument in favor of premarital relations, reality demonstrates that sexual reserve allows couples to develop their communication and social skills. It seems to be problematic, when early sexual experiences fix the attention mostly on physical and sexual aspects of a relationship rather than on other vital values such as education, direction in life, common goals, family and other deal-breaking subjects.

When the focus is directed toward the physical aspect of a relationship and not so much on mind and spirit, many couples are completely surprised to discover, after less than two years of marriage, who they are actually married to. Suddenly other values become more important. Sex loses its amazing appeal. Everyday life kicks in with other needs, motives, values and goals.

Frühzeigitge Early sexual experiences produce a lower level of commitment, a natural tendency to compare one’s partner with previous lovers, and make break-ups more probable. This was verified in a study published in 2012 in which SASSLER et al. examined the connection between the timing of sexual intimacy entering a relationship and its quality.

Summary of Pros and Cons

"Sexual restraint before marriage produced better relationships after marriage, independent of education, number of previous lovers, religion and duration of relationship."

So it seems there are no long-term advantages to be harvested from premarital sex, really only disadvantages. Some disadvantages include the reduction of one’s ability to bond, and a decrease in one's foresight and sense of responsibility. True love is not primarily about physical enjoyment, but much more about emotional and mental values. These are best developed in the early stages of a relationship. Couples who follow this principle will naturally have happier marriages, because they will have laid a good foundation before trying to build their “house”.

Building relationships on physical appearance is a race against time, because beauty is only skin deep. Time changes everything. Those who build on mind and soul discover infinite potential in their relationship.

Wisdom and reason are perfect (and often missing) ingredients in a recipe for love that will facilitate positive development. There are still young people who choose to stand up against the pressure of peers and society. They prefer a better way, the path less traveled. That will make all the difference in their quests to achieve their own personal versions of 'marital bliss' and 'happily ever after'.

Good to Know

• Relationships that grow slowly are generally of higher quality

• Couples who had sex within a month had the worst results

• Sexual activity always marks a turning point in a relationship

• Emotional intimacy is more likely to lead to sexual intimacy than the other way around

• Couples who know and understand each other well have no trouble being intimate with each other later

• When a couple begins with sex, their focus often remains there

• The strong desire for sex often inhibits the development of other important areas like commitment, the ability to bond and commonalities

• Good sex is often mistaken for love

• Immature sexual affairs lead to unhealthy emotional complications that seldom end well

• Stress can easily arise in a “quick” relationship when one partner or the other demonstrates more commitment than the other

• Couples in such relationships tend to be less content and invest less energy in their relationships, express only marginal quality in the sexual and emotional aspects of their relationships, are less happy and have poorer communication, which leads to more conflicts.

Paradox: Those who concentrate most on sexual gratification end up robbing themselves of it.

Marriage – Why Bother?

Studies show:

• The quality of a relationship is clearly dependent on the manner in which the beginning is conducted.

• Unmarried men report significantly less contentment in many areas of life than married men who did not live together before marriage.

• Men who lived with their partners before marriage exhibited a significantly weaker ability to communicate. The same applies to women.

• Living together out of wedlock generally leads to poorer quality in marriages. Couples that “slip” into living together are especially likely to end up unhappy and instable.

Ref: BOGI Nr140

I’m sorry to say it, but there are very few people who really understand what true love is. If a person did not receive enough true love and doesn’t know where to get it, they won’t know the potential it carries, and may end up settling for less. That is just so sad! Especially since everybody is hungry for love! eigenlich ist, (BLOG)

The question that may have come up between the lines:

What is true love anyway?

Young people have a right to love. Unfortunately, many who have a very limited experience with true love in childhood try to make up for the lack as soon as they are old enough to carry the responsibility for their own lives. Depending on their understanding of love, the fruit of their early childhood training becomes visible in their relationships.

Many feel unloved, misunderstood and lonely inside. They try to compensate for these negative feelings with a love affair. They have no idea that the emotions they feel have nothing to do with true love. They think the stronger the butterflies in their stomachs, the greater their love. This is a huge deception propagated by Hollywood! Romantic movies intoxicate the senses, causing people with a great need for love to project these perfect pictures onto their imperfect partners and lull them into a false sense of security.

Infatuation <> True Love

Statistics show that it takes about two years of marriage for a couple to begin to realize what true love is made of. This shows that our understanding of love is often not really well developed. Here is a table with a few comparisons:

In the carelessness of youth, many things can happen that cause regret. While it is true that wisdom comes with age, it would definitely be an advantage for the youth if they could understand these things earlier in life.

Everyone who understands these two 'systems' is welcome, even requested, to help the many unknowledgeable young people in their spheres of influence not to bring unnecessary suffering and pain upon themselves and others.

Thank you for your help!

Punishing with Purpose

Can you remember ever being punished in a way that made you feel good about the punishment? Is there such a thing? How would a punishment have to look in order for it to make sense to the one on the receiving end? When is punishment positive? What do you think? 

The Word EDUCATION

In our world today, this word is unfortunately becoming less and less popular. Many equate it with punishment and discipline, which most people avoid whenever possible. However, discipline as a component of education is not negative. On the contrary, children who are raised to appreciate sensible discipline are well equipped to lead happy lives. This is a fact that has been known for over 50 years.

It is the goal of education to guide and accompany children from babyhood to adulthood, from dependence to autonomy, from weakness, ignorance and immaturity to strength, wisdom and maturity, forming individuals who are able and willing to carry their share of responsibility. A noble goal, don’t you agree?

The key to the free development of a child’s character lies in loving communication. Of course, setting a good example, guiding and directing, awakening interest in truth, practical life experiences and yes, occasionally, punishment, are all important ingredients in the recipe.

Abusing the Rod

Some parents, especially those who experienced a lack of love in their childhood, tend to harsher disciplinary measures. Disciplining without love is like driving a car with no oil in the transmission. For a while it works, but suddenly it’s over. The damage is massive and disappointment reigns. 

The goal of punishment is not to cause great suffering. These are opportunities to approach a child’s soul and to raise and direct his sense of values a little higher and little straighter. Compassionate conversation and explanations can help children understand what the correction is about and why it is needed. They appreciate this approach and feel valued by it. 

Discipline is not just an educational measure, but can and should be an opportunity to teach and learn, as well. Let’s examine these aspects. Strafen kann eine Erziehungsmassnahme wie auch eine Unterweisung und ein Lernprozess sein. Beides wollen wir etwas genauer anschauen.

Values and Norms

The antiauthoritarian style of education in the 60s led to a shift in the norms of society. The idea was that children should learn for themselves from natural consequences, corrections and punishments of life. The results proved it to be a failure. Children need help to understand and practice norms, rules, laws and moral values. Society depends on this process.

To convey moral and spiritual values to our children is a work of paramount importance and must not be neglected. Challenges and violations of set limits sometimes provide good opportunities to impress a child’s mind with such values and principles. In this way children develop a high sense of self-worth, because they recognize therein a structure on which they can build their lives. 

It is an important function of parents to teach their children these values and norms. They must oversee the process, ensure the observance thereof and implement any necessary corrections. Although a flame can be fascinating, the moment you touch it, you will be punished. If children don’t learn to react promptly to the warning “WATCH OUT!” crossing a dangerous road can mean life and death.

Meanwhile science has been meddling in education, something that has not always lead to positive results. Scientific knowledge is often given priority over common sense, but since education also carries a certain philosophical component, i.e. morals and faith, science can find itself bankrupt.

Love and Discipline

Philip (10)

His father is a sales representative and travels five days a week. On the weekend he works on the house and garden. So there’s not much time left for Philip. His father is physically and emotionally on the edge and his sense of humor is at a low. His tough language and tone with Philip are typical. He thinks he needs to be strict with his son. So Philip learns to fear his father and avoids him on the weekends.

Philip does not respect his father. Strictness without love always leads either to rebellion or resignation. He interprets his father’s severity as selfishness. Because he perceives himself as a burden, his self-worth suffers. 

When it comes to punishment, fathers play an important role. Mothers often delay a punishment until father comes homes. If fathers can discipline their children properly, they will develop a strong relationship with them. Blessed are the children who experience a benevolent, sensible, intelligent punishment as a corrective measure for their lives!

By the way, a punishment should be administered and experienced immediately, or as quickly as possible after the offense, so the child's brain can process both together and make an intelligent connection between the two. 

How Children Love

While many mature adults strive to live unconditional love, many get stuck in the conditional and try to provoke love as the answer to their loving efforts.

Children are different: they love egocentrically. A child recognizes its need for love and tries to fill its love tank. What the child does not realize is that, in order to give love, parents need love too. When their love tank is empty, children panic and, in one way or another, immediately ask the question, “Do you still love me?” If the answer to this question is not consistently satisfactory and positive, the child’s behavior deteriorates.

If the answer is, “Yes, I love you,” the love tank is filled and the child relaxes. A child that is relaxed and secure is relatively easy to train and influence. However, when parents reserve their loving attention for when their children are good, they are bound to experience exasperation as the children become more and more unruly.

So it is important for parents to know that a child’s simple challenges must be met with positive answers, because otherwise they endanger the child’s emotional stability. When a child displays obtrusive behavior, we should immediately try to fill his/her love tank by employing his/her love language. 

When a mother uses her gift of communication for her children, lovingly, patiently and compassionately explains a situation or circumstances to her children, and sees them react positively, then an important milestone in education has been achieved. 

Encouraging Good Behavior

When the question arises in your mind, “What can I do to get my boy to behave better?” then it’s a good idea to remember that PUNISHMENT is not the first option to be considered. Instead the question, “What does my boy need right now?” should be asked. Recognizing the needs that lead to less than ideal behavior helps us to react appropriately. You will notice that at such times the child’s love tank is most likely empty. 

When the children are very young, they have no qualms about their methods of communicating their deficits. They can do the craziest things, and we might never get the message they are trying to communicate concerning their empty tanks. But when they are teenagers going through puberty, their reactions will be much sharper and more dangerous.

It must also be stated that it’s not always an empty love tank that leads to misbehavior. Physical problems are the second most likely cause. Pain, hunger, thirst, fatigue and sickness can also influence a child’s behavior greatly.

Training the Conscience and Practicing Forgiveness

When the question of physical causes has been answered without avail, the next question is: “To what degree has my child’s conscience already been developed?” When a child is really sorry for the situation, then there’s no need to pursue the matter further. He has learned his lesson and shown himself to be repentant. You can be very happy for that and forgive him. Repentance should always be followed by forgiveness.

Those who are truly repentant do not need to be punished, but forgiven. That is what we learn from the Word of God. It is also important for children to learn what forgiveness is. By experiencing it for himself, the child can begin to comprehend what forgiveness can mean for others. The experience of learning to apologize for their misbehavior is also an important part of this learning process. 

Experiencing repentance and forgiveness opens a world to the children, a world of relationships that are marked by responsible behavior and appreciation, where empathy and social competence (see EQ) are promoted and the ability to love is developed. 

In ideal cases, children in this environment learn to govern and correct themselves so that punishments are no longer necessary. Here are five suggestions on how to correct your children:

1. Expressing desires – a very positive method, because it prevents anger and promotes responsibility
2. Commands & demands – the tone makes the music, a command can cause pressure, resulting in counterpressure, but a friendly tone could produce the desired results
3. Soft physical pressure – especially suitable for public encounters, can be done discreetly. Attention: the two-year-old NO-sayers are in the process of detaching themselves from their parents, finding their own identity.
4. Punishment – is a drastic tool. Please consider the following:
   • Punishment should be administered in proportion to the crime - fairness should always be recognizable, not too harsh, not too mild, and always consistent among the siblings.
   • Not every child reacts the same way to every punishment – so it must be tailored for each child. If you know the child's love language, do NOT punish the child in that area! Great emotional stress, pain and trauma can result from such dealings with sensitive children.
   • Keep an eye on your punishment meter! Parents generally give milder punishments when they feel good.
   • Prepare yourself for the moment to punish so you can stand the pressure of the momentum of the moment.
   • Disobedience is an attempt to challenge parental authority. Accept the challenge and try to counter the situation with a request.
5. Rewards and punishments – the use of positive and negative reinforcements. Good behavior may be encouraged with rewards, and bad behavior can be discouraged by the removal of some valued object. Use this form of discipline sparingly, because otherwise your child may soon begin to feel unloved. 

Disciplining teenagers is a chapter all by itself. On the one hand, they need to learn to think and act responsibly; on the other hand, they still need to learn to respect their parents' values. All the more important to know their love languages! Then, even big hurdles can be overcome.

Of course, there’s much more to say. I hope you found something useful for yourself.

Have a nice week