Gifts for Children - ATTENTION - 1

We don't just give gifts for Christmas and birthdays. We are more and more inclined, sometimes even love to give the children joy with gifts whenever possible. We love happy children, don't we? There is some very important information on this subject that is extremely important to us parents and grandparents.

The Challenge

In our western civilization, at least, we are so well off that gifts are a valuable way of bringing joy to people, especially children. We can afford it.

Not only do we know that, but also the advertising and sales industries. Anyone who wants to sell something thinks carefully about how and to whom they want to sell a product. Children are of course a welcome customer.

There are still powerful and superior who allow their rule to be expanded. Whoever wants to gain power over others today no longer needs to wage war. He can try offers with seductive gifts. The ones who are most easily seduced in this regard are the children. They have not yet developed weapons against such seducers. Children can easily be made dependent on gifts that meet their needs.

Such seduction is a particularly perfidious one. It endangers our children and even our lives in this world.

What do we offer our children when it comes to preparing them for a positive future? Statistics say that one in ten students needs psychotherapeutic / psychiatric treatment. A quarter suffers from high blood pressure, extreme obesity, diabetes or other physical illnesses, a lack of concentration, anxiety disorders, and a lack of social behavior.

Apparently we as parents fail to strengthen them, all too often we weaken them. We need help.

2 Basic Needs of Children

The Language of the Eyes

Children are so perfectly natural with their eyes that it is easy to tell whether they are happy, sad, hungry, or angry. We adults learned to hide our feelings. In certain cultures one cannot look one another in the eye. It's a taboo there.

So sweet!! Happy children's eyes are so impressive that the bright children's eyes are often used as an advertising motif in sales. When children get the present they long for, their eyes light up. Children not only speak with their gaze, they can also read our expressions very well. Let us look more consciously at the children's eyes and try to understand them better and better.

1. Basic Need

One of the most important - if not the most important basic needs for children - is the close bond with their mother. If children are left alone, they die within. The mother cannot be completely replaced by someone else.

A child can read the longing for connection between adults and children immediately. It will seek and live out this bond.

Through a strong bond, the child develops the ability to love, which it later needs in order to be able to build happy relationships.

2. Basic Need

Another basic need for children is to practice their learning skills. You want to develop, explore, try out and try out new things. You are totally intrinsically motivated (BLOG) and want to get to know the immediate environment first, later the whole world and want to assert yourself in it. This striving for autonomy needs to be supported and protected.

These two elements of life determine their development. You need both every day, even every hour. The more they are positively accompanied in this, the stronger they can become.

Can you imagine that there could be gifts that could change, even destroy, these two basic needs? If children can build a tower until they finally succeed, what other toys are still needed? Can our children still look for what they need to be happy themselves?

A salesperson is far less interested in supporting the child in these needs than in their own financial gain. Toy advertising is interested in HAVING and not BEING. The more we have, the happier we should be, they say.

Our consumer society ensures that we are focused on goods, on owning. But our family shows us that there are other very important areas in which we should invest, namely:

Warmth, care, tenderness, nourishment, affection and appreciation are part of it. Ultimately, it's about love. How can you give these areas as a gift, pass them on in such a way that it arrives on the other side as real love? Unfortunately, many parents fail to do this. They think they love their children. However, despite all possible efforts, they do not get their love tank filled because their basic needs have not been reached.

Children need the most important gift in order to be well prepared for their life. If this does not succeed, they become victims of our postmodernism.

Why We Give Presents to our Children

Giving is part of social life and confirms the bond with one another. Attention and gratitude are important to us, perhaps also a gift in return with which a business is created.

Purpose-built

The way we give a gift often shows whether it is a behavioral reward or a motivation for certain behavior. We often associate giving with an intention. Performance for consideration. "I'm giving you this so ..." shows that there is an intention behind a gift. The child senses that something is wrong. They may not even understand the words, but the facial expressions and key will tell them.

Children like to accept gifts that are particularly attractive. A gift can be attractive because the gift gives it more recognition among its peer group.

Whoever tries hard to be noticed and admired by a child pursues this intention by means of a gift. Many give something to children so that they will love or like them. Is that good for the child? It shows the parental inability to love the child without intent. Unconditional love is often in short supply (BLOG).

Motivation Fear

Gifts to help children learn better obedience are often double-edged. The parents think that the children are better off with it. Gifts are hidden seduction here. Behind this is the fear that the child will not be able to succeed later. That is why such parents pave the way to success for their children with gifts. But will the children really be successful with it? If there weren't any better methods.

Motivation Independence

With praise, gifts and recognition, parents try to become companions on a partnership basis. Parents do not trust their children to sometimes find their way alone. This world must be opened up to children so that they learn to get to know their talents and to experience how they can use them even without adults:

Feeling responsible for animals and people, including things, is an important experience. It develops confidence in self-competence (BLOG). This is shown in the special ability to apologize once if necessary. That would be an educational compliment.

Motivation Money

Children receive gifts from everyone who wants to please them. But also from those who want to influence their lives. It's not about sympathy, but making money with children and thanks to them. It's not about doing good for the children. It's about using the art of seduction optimally so that the cash register is full. Often these child seducers are not recognized. They don't give the gift to the children themselves, but the adults buy their products such as toys and confectionery. This is one of the most perfidious machines of seduction in mankind.

Two Examples

“What tastes sweet is good,” say the children. Sugar usually has a negative impact on the brain. It makes them think they are happy now thanks to dopamine. Candy makers know that. Almost all foods contain sugar. The children like that. Whoever buys these kinds of things makes himself the stooge of such seducers. Often, 'healthy' foods also contain sugar.

Colors in themselves are another attractant. Colorful, shimmering products attract. If movement, tone and shine are connected with this, then the child is at the mercy of it. A smartphone or tablet is hard to beat. The children are immediately enthusiastic. No chance for parents to protect them from such attraction. It is almost impossible to withhold them from them as they are available everywhere. Withholding them makes them even more attractive. A big challenge!

A ball to play with, a cat to stroke and then lots of nature. That is healthy.

Giving is part of social life and confirms the bond with one another. Attention and gratitude are important to us, perhaps also a gift in return with which a business is created. Tit for tat!

Children also learn to give from us. Especially if that is also part of their love language (BLOG), then they can go a long way.

Unfortunately, too many children are heavy confectionery consumers. The Parental Challenge: What Could Be a Good Replacement? Maybe a game or story together?

Colors in themselves are another attractant. Colorful, shimmering products attract. If movement, tone and shine are connected with this, then the child is at the mercy. A smartphone or tablet is hard to beat. The children are immediately enthusiastic. No chance for parents to protect them from such attraction. It is almost impossible to withhold them from them as they are available everywhere. Withholding them makes them even more attractive. A big challenge!

Continuation follows

Thoughts from the book by Gerald Hüther and André Stern “What do we give our children”

Punishing with Purpose

Can you remember ever being punished in a way that made you feel good about the punishment? Is there such a thing? How would a punishment have to look in order for it to make sense to the one on the receiving end? When is punishment positive? What do you think? 

The Word EDUCATION

In our world today, this word is unfortunately becoming less and less popular. Many equate it with punishment and discipline, which most people avoid whenever possible. However, discipline as a component of education is not negative. On the contrary, children who are raised to appreciate sensible discipline are well equipped to lead happy lives. This is a fact that has been known for over 50 years.

It is the goal of education to guide and accompany children from babyhood to adulthood, from dependence to autonomy, from weakness, ignorance and immaturity to strength, wisdom and maturity, forming individuals who are able and willing to carry their share of responsibility. A noble goal, don’t you agree?

The key to the free development of a child’s character lies in loving communication. Of course, setting a good example, guiding and directing, awakening interest in truth, practical life experiences and yes, occasionally, punishment, are all important ingredients in the recipe.

Abusing the Rod

Some parents, especially those who experienced a lack of love in their childhood, tend to harsher disciplinary measures. Disciplining without love is like driving a car with no oil in the transmission. For a while it works, but suddenly it’s over. The damage is massive and disappointment reigns. 

The goal of punishment is not to cause great suffering. These are opportunities to approach a child’s soul and to raise and direct his sense of values a little higher and little straighter. Compassionate conversation and explanations can help children understand what the correction is about and why it is needed. They appreciate this approach and feel valued by it. 

Discipline is not just an educational measure, but can and should be an opportunity to teach and learn, as well. Let’s examine these aspects. Strafen kann eine Erziehungsmassnahme wie auch eine Unterweisung und ein Lernprozess sein. Beides wollen wir etwas genauer anschauen.

Values and Norms

The antiauthoritarian style of education in the 60s led to a shift in the norms of society. The idea was that children should learn for themselves from natural consequences, corrections and punishments of life. The results proved it to be a failure. Children need help to understand and practice norms, rules, laws and moral values. Society depends on this process.

To convey moral and spiritual values to our children is a work of paramount importance and must not be neglected. Challenges and violations of set limits sometimes provide good opportunities to impress a child’s mind with such values and principles. In this way children develop a high sense of self-worth, because they recognize therein a structure on which they can build their lives. 

It is an important function of parents to teach their children these values and norms. They must oversee the process, ensure the observance thereof and implement any necessary corrections. Although a flame can be fascinating, the moment you touch it, you will be punished. If children don’t learn to react promptly to the warning “WATCH OUT!” crossing a dangerous road can mean life and death.

Meanwhile science has been meddling in education, something that has not always lead to positive results. Scientific knowledge is often given priority over common sense, but since education also carries a certain philosophical component, i.e. morals and faith, science can find itself bankrupt.

Love and Discipline

Philip (10)

His father is a sales representative and travels five days a week. On the weekend he works on the house and garden. So there’s not much time left for Philip. His father is physically and emotionally on the edge and his sense of humor is at a low. His tough language and tone with Philip are typical. He thinks he needs to be strict with his son. So Philip learns to fear his father and avoids him on the weekends.

Philip does not respect his father. Strictness without love always leads either to rebellion or resignation. He interprets his father’s severity as selfishness. Because he perceives himself as a burden, his self-worth suffers. 

When it comes to punishment, fathers play an important role. Mothers often delay a punishment until father comes homes. If fathers can discipline their children properly, they will develop a strong relationship with them. Blessed are the children who experience a benevolent, sensible, intelligent punishment as a corrective measure for their lives!

By the way, a punishment should be administered and experienced immediately, or as quickly as possible after the offense, so the child's brain can process both together and make an intelligent connection between the two. 

How Children Love

While many mature adults strive to live unconditional love, many get stuck in the conditional and try to provoke love as the answer to their loving efforts.

Children are different: they love egocentrically. A child recognizes its need for love and tries to fill its love tank. What the child does not realize is that, in order to give love, parents need love too. When their love tank is empty, children panic and, in one way or another, immediately ask the question, “Do you still love me?” If the answer to this question is not consistently satisfactory and positive, the child’s behavior deteriorates.

If the answer is, “Yes, I love you,” the love tank is filled and the child relaxes. A child that is relaxed and secure is relatively easy to train and influence. However, when parents reserve their loving attention for when their children are good, they are bound to experience exasperation as the children become more and more unruly.

So it is important for parents to know that a child’s simple challenges must be met with positive answers, because otherwise they endanger the child’s emotional stability. When a child displays obtrusive behavior, we should immediately try to fill his/her love tank by employing his/her love language. 

When a mother uses her gift of communication for her children, lovingly, patiently and compassionately explains a situation or circumstances to her children, and sees them react positively, then an important milestone in education has been achieved. 

Encouraging Good Behavior

When the question arises in your mind, “What can I do to get my boy to behave better?” then it’s a good idea to remember that PUNISHMENT is not the first option to be considered. Instead the question, “What does my boy need right now?” should be asked. Recognizing the needs that lead to less than ideal behavior helps us to react appropriately. You will notice that at such times the child’s love tank is most likely empty. 

When the children are very young, they have no qualms about their methods of communicating their deficits. They can do the craziest things, and we might never get the message they are trying to communicate concerning their empty tanks. But when they are teenagers going through puberty, their reactions will be much sharper and more dangerous.

It must also be stated that it’s not always an empty love tank that leads to misbehavior. Physical problems are the second most likely cause. Pain, hunger, thirst, fatigue and sickness can also influence a child’s behavior greatly.

Training the Conscience and Practicing Forgiveness

When the question of physical causes has been answered without avail, the next question is: “To what degree has my child’s conscience already been developed?” When a child is really sorry for the situation, then there’s no need to pursue the matter further. He has learned his lesson and shown himself to be repentant. You can be very happy for that and forgive him. Repentance should always be followed by forgiveness.

Those who are truly repentant do not need to be punished, but forgiven. That is what we learn from the Word of God. It is also important for children to learn what forgiveness is. By experiencing it for himself, the child can begin to comprehend what forgiveness can mean for others. The experience of learning to apologize for their misbehavior is also an important part of this learning process. 

Experiencing repentance and forgiveness opens a world to the children, a world of relationships that are marked by responsible behavior and appreciation, where empathy and social competence (see EQ) are promoted and the ability to love is developed. 

In ideal cases, children in this environment learn to govern and correct themselves so that punishments are no longer necessary. Here are five suggestions on how to correct your children:

1. Expressing desires – a very positive method, because it prevents anger and promotes responsibility
2. Commands & demands – the tone makes the music, a command can cause pressure, resulting in counterpressure, but a friendly tone could produce the desired results
3. Soft physical pressure – especially suitable for public encounters, can be done discreetly. Attention: the two-year-old NO-sayers are in the process of detaching themselves from their parents, finding their own identity.
4. Punishment – is a drastic tool. Please consider the following:
   • Punishment should be administered in proportion to the crime - fairness should always be recognizable, not too harsh, not too mild, and always consistent among the siblings.
   • Not every child reacts the same way to every punishment – so it must be tailored for each child. If you know the child's love language, do NOT punish the child in that area! Great emotional stress, pain and trauma can result from such dealings with sensitive children.
   • Keep an eye on your punishment meter! Parents generally give milder punishments when they feel good.
   • Prepare yourself for the moment to punish so you can stand the pressure of the momentum of the moment.
   • Disobedience is an attempt to challenge parental authority. Accept the challenge and try to counter the situation with a request.
5. Rewards and punishments – the use of positive and negative reinforcements. Good behavior may be encouraged with rewards, and bad behavior can be discouraged by the removal of some valued object. Use this form of discipline sparingly, because otherwise your child may soon begin to feel unloved. 

Disciplining teenagers is a chapter all by itself. On the one hand, they need to learn to think and act responsibly; on the other hand, they still need to learn to respect their parents' values. All the more important to know their love languages! Then, even big hurdles can be overcome.

Of course, there’s much more to say. I hope you found something useful for yourself.

Have a nice week

Interesting Facts about LEARNING

In order for a person to be able to reach their full potential later on, they are dependent on a high quality education in the first three years of life. Research also shows that the next three years are the optimal learning time to acquire the basic skills. Are you surprised?

The Beginning of Learning

It is clear that we parents are our children's first teachers. Although we do not give formal lessons, it is important in this phase to encourage the toddlers' innate urge to learn, in any case not to hinder or neglect it. These children are born with an innate hunger for experience and knowledge. This hunger remains as long as it is not driven out by wrong behavior such as lack of supply, beatings or constant frustration.

This early learning behavior is so strongly influenced by the strong intrinsic motivation. The need for movement alone will make you stand up from crawling and later steps will be dared. It wants to conquer the world with a thousand questions. Through observation, many behaviors and peculiarities are adopted from others, mostly from siblings. (see BLOG about this).

Teenagers mimic adults. Everything that is fun and cool is copied. The joy of learning usually remains as long as you can actively deal with it.

Learning through identification and imitiation is an everyday learning method for children and young people. They get along very well, especially with the media. Fascinating on the one hand, but also dangerous for social skills and the frontal lobe on the other. More on that later.

Learning at Home

Ideally, intellectual advancement will take place at home. Using your five senses, colors, tones, objects and edibles are tested and possibly set out on a discovery tour in nature. Verbal stimulation promotes language and allows the natural urge to learn new things.

A balanced atmosphere at home encourages learning. Because children are emotional beings, they also learn best about their feelings. So learning has a lot to do with the child's emotional maturity. The more developed a child is on the emotional intelligent level, the better learning outcomes can be expected. The parents encourage or inhibit this spiritual maturity. Learning becomes a joy thanks to the child's filled love tank.

A warm and loving relationship between parents and children is the basis for relaxed, joyful learning and also for a healthy self-esteem. So it's not just about promoting the intellect, but also about emotional maturation.

We are currently experiencing it with our little grandchildren: We totally unite in learning. If the child is met at their learning level, a strong bond develops with you. Take this chance.

What can go wrong

Divorce or Separation of Parents

There is hardly an event that has such a striking impact on the relationship between love and learning in children. Such a traumatic event empties the love tank and with it the joy of learning. This uprooting is followed by additional fears (fear-of-loss blog). If, through appropriate parental measures, there is a little more security and the child learns to enjoy parental love again, things will be a little better. But it can no longer recover. It is all the more important in such cases to use the five love languages as consistently as possible.

The basic need for love and security, security and appreciation is so great and strongly developed in all children that a separation or divorce is extremely irritating. Now that the child is learning in great development what love actually is, it is disturbed at the most delicate point in this learning process: the bond with its parents, the most important people and authorities.

Disinterest

Statistics show that with parents interested in school material, the children's ability to absorb the material is significantly better. There is no learning without motivation. The children are sometimes dependent on parental motivation. If we show disinterest in whether our child smokes or takes drugs, the likelihood of a subsequent dependency increases.

Sure, we parents learned the multiplication table at some point. But for the child there are hurdles that still have to be overcome, as playful, fun and interested as possible. Help him.

Father Role

The influence of fathers on children's development is mostly underestimated. For example, an 11-year study showed that the more interested the father was in family life, the less likely the children were to later become criminals. In addition, their level of education was considerably higher. 584 families with children between 7-11 years old were examined. As a 20-year-old, the line was drawn, with the result that the more committed the father, the higher the level of schooling and the less often there were social failures.

The fathers usually prefer a certain age for the children: some feel comfortable with children who can already play football, others can do well with small children. For many, it is a challenge to move on the level of the child's mind. But where there is a will, there is also a way. Don't give up so easily. It's about your own child. It is definitely worth jumping over your own shadow for this.

Dealing with fears

We are all born with fear. One child is - partly due to genetic factors - more sensitive than the other. If a child learns to deal with their fears well, they will be able to develop positively. If, however, there are many fears that cannot be overcome by means of love language, i.e. the child feels unloved, this is particularly evident when taking new learning steps. Fears of failure tend to develop when learning content becomes more abstract (e.g. early 4th grade). The feeling of losing touch with classmates can be a big drain on self-esteem. Sooner or later this can lead to depression (see toxic thoughts BLOG).

That is why emotional maturity is so important. This means that the child is able to control fears, endure normal stress, and stay balanced during changes. As mentioned, this is best achieved with a love tank filling.

Children who have difficulty making eye contact and are somewhat shy of contact with their peers and adults reveal uncontrollable and unprocessed fears and tensions. These children should definitely be helped. But how ?

Motivate Children

Basics of Motivation

Perhaps you have already wondered how you can motivate your child to do something. The basis of emotion motivation is a filled love tank and more or less successful feeling management. Once these two factors are in place, it is much easier to motivate children. A child with an empty love tank tends to be passive-aggressive, doing exactly what the parents don't expect or hope. As a third component, it is therefore important to enable and encourage the child to take responsibility for their own behavior. Anyone who can do that is already motivated.

It is usually easy to motivate children if we address them in their language. They love to try something with their daddy that no one else does with them. There is nothing like an experience with your parents.

Arouse Interest

What does your child enjoy? What is it interested in, even if only partially? Maybe they like to listen to music. Why not learn a musical instrument? It is important that it is not your wish alone, but that this wish is nourished in the child (from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation) through attention and a sense of achievement.

Handing over Responsibility

After all, we want to lead our children into independence, into adulthood. We achieve this goal if we do not solve all of the child's problems ourselves, but rather, the older it is, let more and more participate in problem-solving. This gives the child the chance to develop independent thinking and acting. There is also the variant that the child is asked age-appropriate questions, the answers of which can then be used. This can leave a deep impression on the child's mental structure.

Passive Aggressiveness

Passive aggression is actually typical, especially during puberty. With this the teenager searches for the vulnerable point of the adults. You can do that with bad grades, sloppy homework, and inadequate job support. The rule here is that the parents refuse to take responsibility for their failure, otherwise their motivation cannot grow. So do not let yourself be infected by the general educational trend of relieving children of more and more responsibility. Parents in particular, who want to 'prove' their love with it, do exactly the opposite.

Still, it's important to find ways to fill teenagers' love tanks. Find out their love language. Then it will be easier to secure your emotional support.

Teenagers are in a critical development phase. A lot of uncertainty and fears produce aggression. Social instability, supported by excessive media consumption, often clearly shows social incompetence.

Use Love Language

There are two suitable moments during the school day to use the child's love language: when saying goodbye before school and when greeting after school. It can be caresses, a special farewell greeting, a wish-breakfast, a compliment or other attention. These two important moments in particular can help the child to cope better with everyday life. As already mentioned: If the father can also get involved, then it leaves its mark.

When Adults Learn

Lifestyle

As the explanations have shown, our learning behavior is influenced by various motivators and demotivators. When you hear how people used their brain potential hundreds of years ago and compare it to our kind, you get a little embarrassed, don't you? Our lifestyle defines our learning limits. Although all imaginable information is available in our information age and it doubles every 1-2 years, we are lost with our learning potential, or what is left of it.

It's great when adults recognize the importance of continuing education. The more they are

intrinsically motivated, the better.

Selection

So for us the question is rather what is worth learning. The choice is too big. We have to prioritize. This selection requires values ​​as decision criteria. Think about what you really want to learn in your life? Is it expertise for your job? Or do you want to develop empathy, i.e. to get to know more about the functionalities of people, so that you can be of help and support in your family, among friends?

With increasing age (see 40+ BLOG) one notices that the memory and with it the memory decreases and learning becomes more and more difficult. More and more, our life is reduced to early childhood behavior until we say goodbye.

Training from Morning to Night

However, those who can still fall back on high motivators will still be able to show surprising learning results in old age. Those who have trained their brain into old age benefit from it. What was neglected can hardly be restored. Dear younger readers, bear this in mind in your everyday life. Don't always take the most comfortable learning path, challenge your IQ and EQ (BLOG). It will be worth it !