Gifts for Children - ATTENTION - 1

We don't just give gifts for Christmas and birthdays. We are more and more inclined, sometimes even love to give the children joy with gifts whenever possible. We love happy children, don't we? There is some very important information on this subject that is extremely important to us parents and grandparents.

The Challenge

In our western civilization, at least, we are so well off that gifts are a valuable way of bringing joy to people, especially children. We can afford it.

Not only do we know that, but also the advertising and sales industries. Anyone who wants to sell something thinks carefully about how and to whom they want to sell a product. Children are of course a welcome customer.

There are still powerful and superior who allow their rule to be expanded. Whoever wants to gain power over others today no longer needs to wage war. He can try offers with seductive gifts. The ones who are most easily seduced in this regard are the children. They have not yet developed weapons against such seducers. Children can easily be made dependent on gifts that meet their needs.

Such seduction is a particularly perfidious one. It endangers our children and even our lives in this world.

What do we offer our children when it comes to preparing them for a positive future? Statistics say that one in ten students needs psychotherapeutic / psychiatric treatment. A quarter suffers from high blood pressure, extreme obesity, diabetes or other physical illnesses, a lack of concentration, anxiety disorders, and a lack of social behavior.

Apparently we as parents fail to strengthen them, all too often we weaken them. We need help.

2 Basic Needs of Children

The Language of the Eyes

Children are so perfectly natural with their eyes that it is easy to tell whether they are happy, sad, hungry, or angry. We adults learned to hide our feelings. In certain cultures one cannot look one another in the eye. It's a taboo there.

So sweet!! Happy children's eyes are so impressive that the bright children's eyes are often used as an advertising motif in sales. When children get the present they long for, their eyes light up. Children not only speak with their gaze, they can also read our expressions very well. Let us look more consciously at the children's eyes and try to understand them better and better.

1. Basic Need

One of the most important - if not the most important basic needs for children - is the close bond with their mother. If children are left alone, they die within. The mother cannot be completely replaced by someone else.

A child can read the longing for connection between adults and children immediately. It will seek and live out this bond.

Through a strong bond, the child develops the ability to love, which it later needs in order to be able to build happy relationships.

2. Basic Need

Another basic need for children is to practice their learning skills. You want to develop, explore, try out and try out new things. You are totally intrinsically motivated (BLOG) and want to get to know the immediate environment first, later the whole world and want to assert yourself in it. This striving for autonomy needs to be supported and protected.

These two elements of life determine their development. You need both every day, even every hour. The more they are positively accompanied in this, the stronger they can become.

Can you imagine that there could be gifts that could change, even destroy, these two basic needs? If children can build a tower until they finally succeed, what other toys are still needed? Can our children still look for what they need to be happy themselves?

A salesperson is far less interested in supporting the child in these needs than in their own financial gain. Toy advertising is interested in HAVING and not BEING. The more we have, the happier we should be, they say.

Our consumer society ensures that we are focused on goods, on owning. But our family shows us that there are other very important areas in which we should invest, namely:

Warmth, care, tenderness, nourishment, affection and appreciation are part of it. Ultimately, it's about love. How can you give these areas as a gift, pass them on in such a way that it arrives on the other side as real love? Unfortunately, many parents fail to do this. They think they love their children. However, despite all possible efforts, they do not get their love tank filled because their basic needs have not been reached.

Children need the most important gift in order to be well prepared for their life. If this does not succeed, they become victims of our postmodernism.

Why We Give Presents to our Children

Giving is part of social life and confirms the bond with one another. Attention and gratitude are important to us, perhaps also a gift in return with which a business is created.

Purpose-built

The way we give a gift often shows whether it is a behavioral reward or a motivation for certain behavior. We often associate giving with an intention. Performance for consideration. "I'm giving you this so ..." shows that there is an intention behind a gift. The child senses that something is wrong. They may not even understand the words, but the facial expressions and key will tell them.

Children like to accept gifts that are particularly attractive. A gift can be attractive because the gift gives it more recognition among its peer group.

Whoever tries hard to be noticed and admired by a child pursues this intention by means of a gift. Many give something to children so that they will love or like them. Is that good for the child? It shows the parental inability to love the child without intent. Unconditional love is often in short supply (BLOG).

Motivation Fear

Gifts to help children learn better obedience are often double-edged. The parents think that the children are better off with it. Gifts are hidden seduction here. Behind this is the fear that the child will not be able to succeed later. That is why such parents pave the way to success for their children with gifts. But will the children really be successful with it? If there weren't any better methods.

Motivation Independence

With praise, gifts and recognition, parents try to become companions on a partnership basis. Parents do not trust their children to sometimes find their way alone. This world must be opened up to children so that they learn to get to know their talents and to experience how they can use them even without adults:

Feeling responsible for animals and people, including things, is an important experience. It develops confidence in self-competence (BLOG). This is shown in the special ability to apologize once if necessary. That would be an educational compliment.

Motivation Money

Children receive gifts from everyone who wants to please them. But also from those who want to influence their lives. It's not about sympathy, but making money with children and thanks to them. It's not about doing good for the children. It's about using the art of seduction optimally so that the cash register is full. Often these child seducers are not recognized. They don't give the gift to the children themselves, but the adults buy their products such as toys and confectionery. This is one of the most perfidious machines of seduction in mankind.

Two Examples

“What tastes sweet is good,” say the children. Sugar usually has a negative impact on the brain. It makes them think they are happy now thanks to dopamine. Candy makers know that. Almost all foods contain sugar. The children like that. Whoever buys these kinds of things makes himself the stooge of such seducers. Often, 'healthy' foods also contain sugar.

Colors in themselves are another attractant. Colorful, shimmering products attract. If movement, tone and shine are connected with this, then the child is at the mercy of it. A smartphone or tablet is hard to beat. The children are immediately enthusiastic. No chance for parents to protect them from such attraction. It is almost impossible to withhold them from them as they are available everywhere. Withholding them makes them even more attractive. A big challenge!

A ball to play with, a cat to stroke and then lots of nature. That is healthy.

Giving is part of social life and confirms the bond with one another. Attention and gratitude are important to us, perhaps also a gift in return with which a business is created. Tit for tat!

Children also learn to give from us. Especially if that is also part of their love language (BLOG), then they can go a long way.

Unfortunately, too many children are heavy confectionery consumers. The Parental Challenge: What Could Be a Good Replacement? Maybe a game or story together?

Colors in themselves are another attractant. Colorful, shimmering products attract. If movement, tone and shine are connected with this, then the child is at the mercy. A smartphone or tablet is hard to beat. The children are immediately enthusiastic. No chance for parents to protect them from such attraction. It is almost impossible to withhold them from them as they are available everywhere. Withholding them makes them even more attractive. A big challenge!

Continuation follows

Thoughts from the book by Gerald Hüther and André Stern “What do we give our children”

Helicopter Parenting – Causes and Effects

There’s no place like home! The value of families cannot be measured. Their importance for society and our future is unfathomable! Today we are going to talk about a subject that for many seems to be difficult to understand: “How can all the good things I do be damaging?” Here we are challenged to take a critical look at ourselves in the mirror. As hard as it may be, it will be well worth the trouble.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Why is it a problem when fathers and mothers try to be perfect parents?

They do everything for their children, protect and care for all their needs.

They’re called helicopter parents, because they hover over their children like helicopters. Helicopter parents have a bad reputation. Why is that?

Now we’re going to try to deal with a subject which most parents believe only pertains to others.

Origin

The term „HELICOPTER PARENTS“ was first used in 1969 by the Israeli - American Psychologist Haim Ginott. It didn’t become well known, however, until around the year 2000. Some people don’t like the term and prefer to call them “parents who want to be perfect”.

Important question:

How much care and monitoring is good for children? When is too much proximity counterproductive? How great is the pressure on parents to do everything right? How great is their fear of failure?

Examples of Helicopter Parents

• A mother who goes to university classes with her adult son

• A mother who drives her 16-year-old, overweight daughter to her school, instead of letting her walk the 15 minutes

• A father who goes to court in order to get permission to go on a class outing with his children

• Parents who take their daughter to the doctor because she is never sick

• Parents who act like their children’s employees, always at their beck and call.

Really!

Don’t we all want the best for our children? And isn’t that the reason we worry about them and how they’re developing from time to time? Isn’t the helicopter gene, or at least part of one, hidden somewhere deep inside every one of us?

Many fathers have little time for their children. When I taught elementary school, I found out that when fathers take time for and interest in their children’s schoolwork, the children’s motivation to learn in school was greatly improved. This behavior is desirable, but how much of it is healthy?

Wanting what’s best for our children is a good thing. The only question is, what is the BEST way to express that care? Our motives are an important factor here. Self-reflection can help us make good decisions.

As we investigate scientific studies and speak with experts on education, we come to the interesting conclusion that it would sometimes be better to question our own behavior rather than laughing at others.

Even back in the olden days, when our grandparents were children, some parents were worriers. Since then, however, some basic changes have taken place. Sociologist Frank Furedi compared letters written by parents to family counseling type magazines from those days to our day and recognized a significant difference. „When you read the letters from the 20s, you get the impression family life was completely normal.“

Parents only asked for counsel for specific questions on raising their children, for example, thumb sucking, jealousy and nail biting.  Today, on the other hand, parents tend to make mountains out of molehills. The reason for this is that parents today lack parental serenity and self-confidence.

Frank Furedi: „Many mothers and fathers seem to be completely over challenged by the huge number of difficult questions they are confronted with.“ Their letters reflect this great need and often sound like cries for help.

In Switzerland, 15-20% of the parents are of the helicopter style and raise their children to be dependent on them. In my opinion, from the perspective of a teacher, this problem is just as dangerous as gaming and social media. (BLOG)

Changes in Society – the Causes

Experts cite three societal changes as being responsible for this new trend:

1. Prosperity

According to psychologist Jürg Frick, the trend toward smaller families and prosperity are major factors contributing to the spoiling of children, with them having too many possessions, and their parents having more time to spend with their children than was the case in the past.

2. Pressure

One German analysis commissioned by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation states, “Today most people believe that couples should only have children if they can take GOOD care of them. Pressure to educate our children, from toddlers to university levels, is so popular because our family values have been adjusted to match those of our competition oriented economy.

3. Fear

Many experts like Frick or retired professor of education Margrit Stamm of the University of Freiburg speak of the spirit of our time as a “culture of fear”, in which parents place their children’s safety above all else.  

We are doing well, actually, VERY well. Perhaps too well. Our development since the eras of the World Wars and the monumental changes between Generations X, Y and Z have been so rapid, that each generation claims difficulty in understanding the others. Additionally, fears have also crept in. Especially fear of loss (BLOG), which is a fear that can leave huge scars from early childhood. How long can we keep up this ever-increasing tempo before something gives?

Characteristics of Parents Who Want to Be Perfect

Three attributes characterize the intentions of these parents:

1. They promote and support their children above and beyond the call of duty.

2. They spoil them by fulfilling nearly every wish and removing every difficulty.

3. They are continuously occupied with thoughts of their safety.

Statistics

Where typical helicopter parents are located and how many exist are questions that have not yet been sufficiently researched. However, it is supposed that they are mostly to be found in the educated middle class. “About half of all well situated parents are more than likely helicopter parents”, estimates Mrs. Stamm. They are also more likely in cities than in the country.

According to Josef Kraus, author and former president of the German Union of Teachers, the proportion of helicopter parents is approximately the same as the other extreme, which is parents who neglect their children (laissez fairs parenting).

In the year 2017, economists from the University of Zurich arrived at 19% for Switzerland. In the USA, the numbers are considerably higher. Because the discrepancy in wages is much greater there between the highest and lowest earners, it is supposed that wealthier parents push their children to greater achievements, in order to spare them the disadvantages of their poorer counterparts.  

Effects of Helicopter Parenting

Since this style of education continues to spread, it would be good to consider what the consequences might be. What could be so bad about it? We certainly don’t think parents should be careless and negligent!

Experts believe that such children grow up to be helpless, maladjusted, and severely psychologically as well as physically disabled adults. „Neglect, ignorance and lack of interest are less damaging for the soul of a child than that type of narcissism (BLOG), which wants to see its offspring happy and successful, in order to experience itself as competent.” (Jesper Juul, Danish family therapist, in the news magazine Der Spiegel)

These children often fail, in spite of their intelligence. What they have not learned is endurance and frustration tolerance. As soon as they see difficulties, they are quickly stressed and unable to deal constructively with them.

Safety measures are taken before school begins. It is a major challenge for the child to blend in at school. Complex learning problems can arise and the school psychologist is often needed.

The fact is that many children and young people today suffer with psychological and sociological problems. One study from 2015 (Stiftung Juvenir  - Juvenile Foundation) recognizes about half of all children and youth in Switzerland as being often or very often under stress or overly challenged with their daily lives. This is, of course, especially noticeable in school, where they experience social achievement expectations for the first time.  

Children of “perfect“ mothers are more accommodating, yet aggressive, unsure of themselves and have more difficulties with concentration. In addition to monitoring and protecting their children, helicopter parents will typically encourage or send their preschool children to all kinds of special courses to develop their skills at an early age. These children often have three weekly classes, from private lessons in academics, designed to help them get a head start in school, to music lessons and sports. In the short run, their results in school may be better, but in the long run, they are five times more likely to have to repeat a class later.  

Children should not be able to read and do math before they go to school. If they can, school will be boring for them. Where there is no motivation, there is no learning. Parents should keep this in mind.

Activities that match the level of a child’s skill, alone or in a group, are well suited to boost a child’s self-confidence.

Social media and gaming addictions (BLOG) are among the most dangerous activities because they destroy motivation, which leads to anti-social behavior and impairs the ability to learn.

Educating for Independence and Responsibility

Children who often play alone and depend on their own imaginations, often seem to be more socially competent, empathic and creative. If we always show them how to play with their Legos, they will tend to become passive and will wait to have something dished out to them. They become dependent on external stimuli and expect applause.

Experts recommend that parents give their children enough free space to allow their intrinsic motivation (BLOG) to develop. A child’s feeling of self-worth (BLOG) should not be too tightly bound up in achievements and relationships.

Of course, in early childhood, children are very dependent on their mothers. But raising children to independence is a goal that should be continuously considered every step of the educational way. True love for one’s children will teach them responsibility, not dependence.

When children learn the collective responsibility of running a household by learning to do their part, and to do it with a smile, because they understand the value of fellowship, then parents will have reached a worthwhile goal. Taking responsibility for an animal or for a personal garden is great for character development. Letting the children help with cooking or laundry is also a sign of responsible, thoughtful education.

A child that can apologize without being pressured into it is a child that has learned a sense of responsibility. The parents of such a child can rest assured that their efforts are beginning to pay off and will be seen in other areas as well.

Check Your Own Motives

The reason why we do something or not has a huge impact on the results. Whether hidden FEAR or true LOVE is the driver, this will have an effect on the methods of education we use. Do I do this or that because I’m afraid of what the neighbors might think? Can my child cry when the neighbor might hear it? Or do I have to be Superman in order to feel well and content?

Parents who communicate clear boundaries (BLOG) and let their NO remain a NO, may experience some resistance in the beginning, but when their children are grown up, they will harvest much praise and love.

Replacing Hyperanxiety

Fear for a child’s safety is justifiable, even necessary, in certain situations, like when they’re learning to cross the street in traffic. But when children are doing something they can and should be able to manage themselves, parents should exercise reserve. Children need to learn to estimate risk for themselves. If I pick up my two-year-old every time he falls down, he will expect me to do it for him when he’s 18. Can my child handle scissors? Has he learned to fall down in a way that will cause the least damage? Can she play alone without falling into an attention deficit crisis?

It’s not always easy to reach children on their level and understand how they think and feel. With older children, it’s important to develop a culture of conversation, in which parents and children try to understand one another, find solutions and implement new ideas together (Family Conferences).

Overcoming fear is an important educational goal. The better I as an educator am able to overcome my own fears with loving thoughts and principles, the more beneficial it will be for my children. In childhood, identification and imitation are powerful learning behaviors, but the opportunities for learning by trial and error should also be appreciated and taken advantage of.

Closing Thoughts

The word “education” comes from the Latin “educare”, meaning “to lead out.” Where do we want to lead? Whether we intend to or not, we always lead in the direction from where we are. Where are we?  Sometimes it’s good to take a step forward in the right direction, in the direction of independence and responsibility.

Hope

Helicopter parents are basically interested in doing what’s best for their children. For this reason, they may be sufficiently motivated to make some necessary changes in their systems of education. Everybody makes mistakes. If we can learn from our mistakes, we won’t have to continue making them.

I wish you a barrel of endurance and a bouquet of success.

Ernst Zwiker

Quelle/Source: Das Schweizer ElternMagazin, Ausgabe September 2018