There’s no place like home! The value of families cannot be measured. Their importance for society and our future is unfathomable! Today we are going to talk about a subject that for many seems to be difficult to understand: “How can all the good things I do be damaging?” Here we are challenged to take a critical look at ourselves in the mirror. As hard as it may be, it will be well worth the trouble.
Too Much of a Good Thing
Why is it a problem when fathers and mothers try to be perfect parents?
They do everything for their children, protect and care for all their needs.
They’re called helicopter parents, because they hover over their children like helicopters. Helicopter parents have a bad reputation. Why is that?
Now we’re going to try to deal with a subject which most parents believe only pertains to others.
Origin
The term „HELICOPTER PARENTS“ was first used in 1969 by the Israeli - American Psychologist Haim Ginott. It didn’t become well known, however, until around the year 2000. Some people don’t like the term and prefer to call them “parents who want to be perfect”.
Important question:
How much care and monitoring is good for children? When is too much proximity counterproductive? How great is the pressure on parents to do everything right? How great is their fear of failure?
Examples of Helicopter Parents
A mother who goes to university classes with her adult son
A mother who drives her 16-year-old, overweight daughter to her school, instead of letting her walk the 15 minutes
A father who goes to court in order to get permission to go on a class outing with his children
Parents who take their daughter to the doctor because she is never sick
Parents who act like their children’s employees, always at their beck and call.
Really!
Don’t we all want the best for our children? And isn’t that the reason we worry about them and how they’re developing from time to time? Isn’t the helicopter gene, or at least part of one, hidden somewhere deep inside every one of us?
Many fathers have little time for their children. When I taught elementary school, I found out that when fathers take time for and interest in their children’s schoolwork, the children’s motivation to learn in school was greatly improved. This behavior is desirable, but how much of it is healthy?
Wanting what’s best for our children is a good thing. The only question is, what is the BEST way to express that care? Our motives are an important factor here. Self-reflection can help us make good decisions.
As we investigate scientific studies and speak with experts on education, we come to the interesting conclusion that it would sometimes be better to question our own behavior rather than laughing at others.
Even back in the olden days, when our grandparents were children, some parents were worriers. Since then, however, some basic changes have taken place. Sociologist Frank Furedi compared letters written by parents to family counseling type magazines from those days to our day and recognized a significant difference. „When you read the letters from the 20s, you get the impression family life was completely normal.“
Parents only asked for counsel for specific questions on raising their children, for example, thumb sucking, jealousy and nail biting. Today, on the other hand, parents tend to make mountains out of molehills. The reason for this is that parents today lack parental serenity and self-confidence.
Frank Furedi: „Many mothers and fathers seem to be completely over challenged by the huge number of difficult questions they are confronted with.“ Their letters reflect this great need and often sound like cries for help.
In Switzerland, 15-20% of the parents are of the helicopter style and raise their children to be dependent on them. In my opinion, from the perspective of a teacher, this problem is just as dangerous as gaming and social media. (BLOG)
Changes in Society – the Causes
Experts cite three societal changes as being responsible for this new trend:
1. Prosperity
According to psychologist Jürg Frick, the trend toward smaller families and prosperity are major factors contributing to the spoiling of children, with them having too many possessions, and their parents having more time to spend with their children than was the case in the past.
2. Pressure
One German analysis commissioned by the Konrad Adenauer Foundation states, “Today most people believe that couples should only have children if they can take GOOD care of them. Pressure to educate our children, from toddlers to university levels, is so popular because our family values have been adjusted to match those of our competition oriented economy.
3. Fear
Many experts like Frick or retired professor of education Margrit Stamm of the University of Freiburg speak of the spirit of our time as a “culture of fear”, in which parents place their children’s safety above all else.
We are doing well, actually, VERY well. Perhaps too well. Our development since the eras of the World Wars and the monumental changes between Generations X, Y and Z have been so rapid, that each generation claims difficulty in understanding the others. Additionally, fears have also crept in. Especially fear of loss (BLOG), which is a fear that can leave huge scars from early childhood. How long can we keep up this ever-increasing tempo before something gives?
Characteristics of Parents Who Want to Be Perfect
Three attributes characterize the intentions of these parents:
They promote and support their children above and beyond the call of duty.
They spoil them by fulfilling nearly every wish and removing every difficulty.
They are continuously occupied with thoughts of their safety.
Statistics
Where typical helicopter parents are located and how many exist are questions that have not yet been sufficiently researched. However, it is supposed that they are mostly to be found in the educated middle class. “About half of all well situated parents are more than likely helicopter parents”, estimates Mrs. Stamm. They are also more likely in cities than in the country.
According to Josef Kraus, author and former president of the German Union of Teachers, the proportion of helicopter parents is approximately the same as the other extreme, which is parents who neglect their children (laissez fairs parenting).
In the year 2017, economists from the University of Zurich arrived at 19% for Switzerland. In the USA, the numbers are considerably higher. Because the discrepancy in wages is much greater there between the highest and lowest earners, it is supposed that wealthier parents push their children to greater achievements, in order to spare them the disadvantages of their poorer counterparts.
Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Since this style of education continues to spread, it would be good to consider what the consequences might be. What could be so bad about it? We certainly don’t think parents should be careless and negligent!
Experts believe that such children grow up to be helpless, maladjusted, and severely psychologically as well as physically disabled adults. „Neglect, ignorance and lack of interest are less damaging for the soul of a child than that type of narcissism (BLOG), which wants to see its offspring happy and successful, in order to experience itself as competent.” (Jesper Juul, Danish family therapist, in the news magazine Der Spiegel)
These children often fail, in spite of their intelligence. What they have not learned is endurance and frustration tolerance. As soon as they see difficulties, they are quickly stressed and unable to deal constructively with them.
Safety measures are taken before school begins. It is a major challenge for the child to blend in at school. Complex learning problems can arise and the school psychologist is often needed.
The fact is that many children and young people today suffer with psychological and sociological problems. One study from 2015 (Stiftung Juvenir - Juvenile Foundation) recognizes about half of all children and youth in Switzerland as being often or very often under stress or overly challenged with their daily lives. This is, of course, especially noticeable in school, where they experience social achievement expectations for the first time.
Children of “perfect“ mothers are more accommodating, yet aggressive, unsure of themselves and have more difficulties with concentration. In addition to monitoring and protecting their children, helicopter parents will typically encourage or send their preschool children to all kinds of special courses to develop their skills at an early age. These children often have three weekly classes, from private lessons in academics, designed to help them get a head start in school, to music lessons and sports. In the short run, their results in school may be better, but in the long run, they are five times more likely to have to repeat a class later.
Children should not be able to read and do math before they go to school. If they can, school will be boring for them. Where there is no motivation, there is no learning. Parents should keep this in mind.
Activities that match the level of a child’s skill, alone or in a group, are well suited to boost a child’s self-confidence.
Social media and gaming addictions (BLOG) are among the most dangerous activities because they destroy motivation, which leads to anti-social behavior and impairs the ability to learn.
Educating for Independence and Responsibility
Children who often play alone and depend on their own imaginations, often seem to be more socially competent, empathic and creative. If we always show them how to play with their Legos, they will tend to become passive and will wait to have something dished out to them. They become dependent on external stimuli and expect applause.
Experts recommend that parents give their children enough free space to allow their intrinsic motivation (BLOG) to develop. A child’s feeling of self-worth (BLOG) should not be too tightly bound up in achievements and relationships.
Of course, in early childhood, children are very dependent on their mothers. But raising children to independence is a goal that should be continuously considered every step of the educational way. True love for one’s children will teach them responsibility, not dependence.
When children learn the collective responsibility of running a household by learning to do their part, and to do it with a smile, because they understand the value of fellowship, then parents will have reached a worthwhile goal. Taking responsibility for an animal or for a personal garden is great for character development. Letting the children help with cooking or laundry is also a sign of responsible, thoughtful education.
A child that can apologize without being pressured into it is a child that has learned a sense of responsibility. The parents of such a child can rest assured that their efforts are beginning to pay off and will be seen in other areas as well.
Check Your Own Motives
The reason why we do something or not has a huge impact on the results. Whether hidden FEAR or true LOVE is the driver, this will have an effect on the methods of education we use. Do I do this or that because I’m afraid of what the neighbors might think? Can my child cry when the neighbor might hear it? Or do I have to be Superman in order to feel well and content?
Parents who communicate clear boundaries (BLOG) and let their NO remain a NO, may experience some resistance in the beginning, but when their children are grown up, they will harvest much praise and love.
Replacing Hyperanxiety
Fear for a child’s safety is justifiable, even necessary, in certain situations, like when they’re learning to cross the street in traffic. But when children are doing something they can and should be able to manage themselves, parents should exercise reserve. Children need to learn to estimate risk for themselves. If I pick up my two-year-old every time he falls down, he will expect me to do it for him when he’s 18. Can my child handle scissors? Has he learned to fall down in a way that will cause the least damage? Can she play alone without falling into an attention deficit crisis?
It’s not always easy to reach children on their level and understand how they think and feel. With older children, it’s important to develop a culture of conversation, in which parents and children try to understand one another, find solutions and implement new ideas together (Family Conferences).
Overcoming fear is an important educational goal. The better I as an educator am able to overcome my own fears with loving thoughts and principles, the more beneficial it will be for my children. In childhood, identification and imitation are powerful learning behaviors, but the opportunities for learning by trial and error should also be appreciated and taken advantage of.
Closing Thoughts
The word “education” comes from the Latin “educare”, meaning “to lead out.” Where do we want to lead? Whether we intend to or not, we always lead in the direction from where we are. Where are we? Sometimes it’s good to take a step forward in the right direction, in the direction of independence and responsibility.
Hope
Helicopter parents are basically interested in doing what’s best for their children. For this reason, they may be sufficiently motivated to make some necessary changes in their systems of education. Everybody makes mistakes. If we can learn from our mistakes, we won’t have to continue making them.
I wish you a barrel of endurance and a bouquet of success.
Ernst Zwiker
Quelle/Source: Das Schweizer ElternMagazin, Ausgabe September 2018
