5 Habits for a Healthy Marriage

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5 Gewohnheiten für eine gesunde Ehe

Lasst uns konkret werden. Welche Gewohnheiten kannst du in dein Leben einbauen, die deine Ehe positiv beeinflussen wird?

Bemerkung: Dieser Blog ist für meine Frau Terri-Lynn und mich genauso wie für alle anderen geschrieben… wir arbeiten nach mehr als 40 Jahren Ehe immer noch daran, noch mehr zu lernen, um uns gegenseitig noch glücklicher zu machen.

Also los geht’s:

Gewohnheit 1: Über wichtige Dinge sprechen

“Täglich kommunizieren ist so wichtig? Natürlich reden wir täglich miteinander. Das ist doch normal!” Das könnte Ihr erster Eindruck sein.

Aber es geht tiefer. Natürlich, Smalltalk ist ok. Spielerisches Scherzen macht Spaß! Terminplanung und aufgabenbezogene Gespräche sind von entscheidender Bedeutung. Wenn Sie jedoch niemals bewusst emotionale und spirituelle Intimität aufbauen, riskieren Sie, in Ihrem Haushalt eine oberflächliche Kommunikationskultur zu schaffen.

Die bewusste Kommunikation über tiefere Dinge schafft Ehrlichkeit und Verletzlichkeit, die liebenswert, erbaulich und stärkend ist.

Wie sollen wir kommunizieren, damit es einen Unterschied macht?

Dazu könnten Sie sicher Wichtiges beitragen. Wir haben zwei Dinge gefunden, die für uns gut funktionieren.

· Hoch/Tief: Es ist einfach. Besprechen Sie einfach den besten Teil Ihres Tages und dann den schlimmsten Teil Ihres Tages. Wie haben Sie sich gefühlt, als die beiden passierten? Warum ist es der beste/schlechteste Teil? Diese Fragen eignen sich hervorragend als Gesprächsstarter beim Abendessen, an dem auch Kinder teilnehmen können.

· Andachten – Wir stellen Fragen zu dem, was wir in der Heiligen Schrift lesen und worüber wir beten. Besprechen Sie gemeinsam die Dinge Gottes – seine Wahrheiten. Dies wird Ihren Weg mit ihm und Ihre Beziehung zu Ihrem Ehepartner vertiefen.

5 Habits for a Healthy Marriage

Let's get specific. What habits can you build into your life that will positively affect your marriage?

Important: This blog is written for my wife Terri-Lynn and myself as much as for anyone else… we are after more than 40 years of marriage still working on how to make each other even more happy.

With that, let’s give it a try:

Habit 1: Talk about important things

It’s one thing for us to say “communicate daily”. Thanks Captain Obvious…

Small talk is fine. Playful joking is fun! Scheduling and task-related talks are crucial. However, if you never consciously build emotional & spiritual intimacy, you risk creating a shallow communication culture in your household.

Communicating about deeper things intentionally will build honesty and vulnerability that is endearing, edifying, and strengthening.

How?

This is largely up to you, but Selena and I have found two things that work well for us.

·        High/Lows: It’s basic. Just discuss the best part of your day, then the worst part of your day. How did you feel when each happened? Why is it the best/worst part? These questions make a great dinner-time conversation starter, and kids can participate too.

·        Devotions – we ask questions about what we’re reading in Scripture and praying about. Discuss the things of God together–His truths. This will deepen your walk with Him and your relationship with your spouse.

Prayer together has great potential. Increasing the two-way relationship with our Creator connects us with the universe. If God can have a say for us, then everything will be fine.

Habit 2: Pray for each other, out loud, together.

We definitely encourage couples to pray together. But sometimes the default is to pray about things that are “outside” of the marriage. What I’m suggesting here is much different.

Pray for your spouse, out loud, face-to-face, and holding hands. Pray for their health, concerns, peace, wisdom, etc. It’s biblical and God is faithful to show up and soften hearts when we gather in His name. Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” That’s truth.

How about a vacation together somewhere on a romantic beach? Even after being married for over 10 years, this is still possible and gives the partnership a lot of liveliness.

Gewohnheit 3: Intimität und Termine planen

Das Leben wird beschäftigt, nichts Neues. Nichts zeigt Ihre Prioritäten besser an als Ihr Zeitplan. Stellen Sie sicher, dass Ihr Ehepartner wirklich eine Priorität hat, indem Sie sich in Ihrem Kalender Zeit für ihn nehmen. Nur weil Sie verheiratet sind, heißt das nicht, dass Sie aufhören, sich zu treffen und romantisch zu sein.

Wie?

Selena und ich fanden Folgendes in unserer Ehe hilfreich:

• Nehmen Sie sich täglich Zeit füreinander. Wir verbringen jeden Morgen zusammen. Normalerweise wache ich zuerst auf, beginne meine Andachten und sie kommt heraus, wenn ich fertig bin. Wir trinken zusammen Kaffee, sitzen und reden. Normalerweise teile ich, was ich lese, und wir besprechen, was wir an diesem Tag tun.

• Stimmen Sie der Häufigkeit von Sex zu, die erforderlich ist, um Sie intim zu halten. Wir wissen beide, dass wir, um gesund zu sein, alle 3 Tage oder so körperlich intim sein müssen. Dies dient einem physiologischen Bedürfnis (ich bin schließlich ein Mann!), aber es hält uns auch auf eine Weise verbunden, die nur für die Ehe und nur für sexuelle Intimität gilt.

• Verabreden Sie sich. Stellen Sie einen Babysitter ein und gehen Sie zu einem Date aus. Sei einfach ein verliebtes Paar. Tun Sie dies mindestens ein paar Mal im Monat.

Habit 4: Live beneath your means

Finances are one of the biggest problem areas for marriages. This isn’t because money itself is problematic, but rather because of how it’s managed.

Overspending is a huge problem in our culture, and consumer debt is out of control. We must be good stewards of our finances, according to God’s principles, or risk causing disorder and chaos in this area of our lives and marriages.

How?

Create habits of living beneath your means by discussing what your budget is and how purchasing decisions will be made. Here are some tangible ideas:

·        Agree. Seek agreement on what’s most important so you can filter out unwise purchases.

·        Use cash. Credit card spending can cause trouble, so if you use them, make sure you can zero out your balance each month. If you know overspending is a problem, it’s wise to cut up the credit cards (we did).

·        Reduce expenses. If you’re perpetually short on money and you’re living from paycheck to paycheck, something has to change. Consider what you can trim out of your budget (expensive car? cable TV?).

·        Always tithe. Tithing is more about your heart than your money. When you tithe, you’re saying that you trust God more than you trust money, your job, or your ability to earn income. God loves you and He loves to care for his kids. Tithing is tangible evidence that you actually believe that truth.

Remember Matthew 6:26: Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

Inviting others to a tasty dinner as a team, that would be something! Maintaining fellowship with others is very important. With each other, for each other and for others, that's a great recipe!

Habit 5: Serve others together

We strongly believe that your marriage is your ministry. You serve and honor each other as spouses, and together you can extend that ministry to your community. In all instances of Christ-like love, Christ is glorified. This is our ultimate purpose as humans: to glorify God.

Serving together is an incredibly valuable habit since it will consistently remind you that your core purpose is to bring God glory, not yourself happiness. (Happiness is good, just not as our primary goal.)

How?

The possibilities for serving are vast, here are some suggestions:

·        Serve in your local church.You may not serve on the same team, but you can serve at the same times. Plus, the Church is God’s plan A for reaching the lost.

·        Serve your community.Serve the poor, orphans, and widows in your community. Homeless shelters, assisted living homes, and other organizations are all in need of consistent, engaged, help. Maybe that’s you?

·        Open your home. Consider inviting couples over who are going through a tough time. Make a meal, talk, and just be friends to them.

Fear Less – Step by Step

It touches everyone, some more, some less. Here are some tips and tricks for dealing with fear.

The Problem

Most of us know that regular exercise and balanced nutrition are keys to increasing our wellbeing and making us more stress and fear resistant. If only we would put our knowledge into practice! Instead, we often let ourselves get overwhelmed by our many duties and responsibilities and put our health on a back burner for later. It’s no wonder so much fear, stress and depression result, impacting and infecting increasing numbers of individuals.

It is interesting to note that fear is often associated with the future, depression has its roots in the past and stress is especially produced in the present. Are there solutions to be had that don’t require medications?

A Case Study

After a tough day at work, John made his way home through extremely trying traffic. Arriving home after dark, he rushed into the house and greeted his wife hastily on his way to the shower. His two children were playing in the living room, but John had no time for them. He was hungry and looking forward to dinner.

While he was eating, his wife, Bea, was fidgeting. "What’s up?" he asked a bit impatiently. "Your mom is worried and would like you to visit her some time.” "I can’t. I have bigger problems to deal with right now. My boss blew up today!" "Can’t you think of somebody besides yourself? And what about your children? They have been looking forward to spending time with you this evening!" "Nag, nag, nag! You don’t work! So you have time for them!"  Both parties were losers in that exchange.

Little Yolanda entered the room and gave her daddy an envelope. "Can’t you see I’m busy talking to Mommy?" John stuck the envelope in his pocket and Yolanda began to cry. Her mother started to stick up for her and John escaped to his room knowing he was in a losing fight. He had lost control of his emotions.

While he was getting undressed, he suddenly had the envelope in his hand. Yolanda had drawn him a picture and had written, “I love you, Daddy,” with a heart next to it for emphasis. John’s stomach cramped, realizing he had made a terrible mistake.

The question that crystalizes out of this example is: What is the most important thing in life? Our fears often lead us into dead-ends and destructive situations in life that we would never choose ourselves, if given a rational moment to think it through. Therefore, it is imperative that we look our fears in the eye and work them out. Right?

Children are usually the victims. They have too little experience and intellect to understand and process all the difficult situations they experience. No wonder so many find themselves struggling for emotional survival! The challenge for us as adults is to find ways to help these children break the cycle of fear.

Thoughts are Powerful

As you may read in the blogs on toxic thoughts (TOX1 - TOX2), our thoughts are a cofactor to health. Those who can control and regulate their own thoughts are at a distinct emotional advantage. That, however, is easier said than done.

A short refresher:  Our thoughts can influence our immune systems, which in turn influence our probability of getting cancer, lower our life expectancy, increase the time needed to recuperate from sicknesses, depress our moods and, consequently, decrease our social competence.

People who make positive thinking a habit get more out of life. Those who carry lovely pictures of the past around with them, who see difficulties as a part of a bigger, nicer picture, and who can speak well of yesteryear definitely do their approximately 70 trillion cells a huge favor. A similar advantage is produced when the future is contemplated with happy confidence.

The most important point to consider undoubtedly revolves around how we think about ourselves. If we regularly compare ourselves with great personalities (stars in the media), we will always lose. We need to learn to value our own talents and skills, but neither these nor our achievements can be the basis for our self-worth, or we will soon be in grave danger.

Of course, nobody can ALWAYS think ONLY positive thoughts. The death of a loved one is inevitably followed by a period of mourning. People of faith have a distinct advantage here: their time for grieving is normally shortened and eased by the hope that carries their thoughts beyond the grave. 

The human brain is absolutely sensational! Each person’s entire life is stored within those three crucial pounds of gray matter. So it is beneficial to understand how it works, or better, how it can be influenced for the good. What is the role of the frontal lobe (BLOG)? The amygdala? How can my lifestyle improve (or damage) brain function? These are important questions, but they seem more important to me, now that I know some answers.

Fear

Fear is a constant companion in life. It’s something like a “gift of creation”. We have also received tools to deal constructively with fear: experience, reason, self-awareness and especially love, which is the opposite of fear.  

Caroline

When Caroline was five years old, her father left her and her mother for a younger woman. One of the consequences of this move was that her mother had to get a job, and Caroline had to go to a day care center. It was not easy for her mom. She often complained about her meager financial circumstances. Having already lost her daddy, Caroline worried that her mother could also leave her (fear of loss) (Verlustangst) and her fear of the future grew with her awareness of life. She began to expect tragedy. She developed a negative pattern of thought that would surely accompany her into her adult life.

There are diverse kinds and shades of fear. From general phobias to panic attacks to fear of loss to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), their roots can all usually be traced back to some devastating

Causes of Fear

Nature presents us with some beautiful examples of how animals overcome fear. It’s quite amazing when you consider the size of their frontal lobes as compared to ours!

Many fears are transmitted to children through their parents. Fear of failure, feelings of guilt, irrational fear (like of mice) and personal instability because of feelings of low self-worth can all produce huge deficiencies in children. People generally have little knowledge of their own fears and coping skills.

The main cause for all fear, as I see it, is a lack or loss of love. Love is the best medicine for fear. Where love is lacking, fear grows. Where love, security and appreciation are put into practice, fear must retreat and diminish.

That is easy to say, but where can you get love without stealing it? (BLOG) People who have a hard time dealing with life are often tempted to develop coping strategies such as power, pleasure and/or pride. When you get right down to it, these are all really just substitutes for love. The choices of counterfeits available today are as numerous as the stars.

Dealing with Fear

The symptoms of a fear disorder are often first seen after a stressful event. At those times, it would be advantageous to know how to best deal with them. Here are a few suggestions:

> Share Your Troubles

Having someone you can talk to in times of trouble is truly a gift. The investments you make in your family, friends and community will prove their value in times like these.

> Relax

Every person has developed his or her own way of relaxing. For some, it’s a walk by a river, for others, it’s listening to music, hanging around, reading or painting pictures. Find your way, and do it.

> Breathe Deeply

When people are afraid, they breathe shallowly. Breathing IN and OUT slowly, deeply and thoughtfully several times can bring balance back into a difficult moment. Afterwards, it will be easier to think clearly and rationally.

> Eat Healthy

But what is healthy? There are HUGE discrepancies in what is promoted as healthy nowadays! Let me summarize my humble opinion in a nutshell: The more natural, the healthier. Please check out the blog called NEWSTART .

> Self-Help Groups

In many towns there are self-help groups where you can share your troubles with and learn from others. These are especially helpful if you don’t have friends or family who understand your issues.

> CBT: Thought Stopping

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a good method for many for managing fear and intrusive negative thoughts. As soon as you recognize an undesirable thought, consciously STOP it by turning your thoughts to something positive and desirable. Refuse to dwell on toxic thoughts.

Other options for those who need extra help include asking a doctor for assistance. Pharmacological solutions are sometimes unavoidable.

> Our Creator Can Help

o Style Your Life:  Life is a challenge. Causality, or the question of why things are the way they are, along with questions about our vulnerability, our own and that of our relationships, occupy our thoughts day by day. In order to arrive at the wisest of conclusions, it would be beneficial to ask our Creator these questions personally. He has all the answers. For this reason, many Christians read the Bible. In it they find sensational, deep, psychological bits of wisdom that make life worth living. Living life with HIS values leads to more quality of life and love. Are you interested in an example? Ephesians 5:28 says: He that loves his wife loves himself! Think about that for a moment. What could it mean?

o Stay in Touch:  For example, Christians go to church regularly. They think and feel and act in each other’s best interest, which strengthens their feeling of community. Together they are strong!

o Contact the King:  Please allow me to make one of my favorite suggestions: Take a moment, three times a day in a quiet place, to get in touch with God. It is not important that you feel like it. Just make a decision to do it and don’t let anything distract you from it. Tell Him what’s on your heart. If you are attentive and willing to learn, you will experience how His voice speaks with you through your conscience. 

Many people pray only in a dire emergency, when there’s no other way out. That’s sad. We could have so much more. God invites us to come directly to Him. He promises to reward us when we do. In the Bible, that’s called a blessing. That’s the best key.