Can you remember ever being punished in a way that made you feel good about the punishment? Is there such a thing? How would a punishment have to look in order for it to make sense to the one on the receiving end? When is punishment positive? What do you think?
The Word EDUCATION
In our world today, this word is unfortunately becoming less and less popular. Many equate it with punishment and discipline, which most people avoid whenever possible. However, discipline as a component of education is not negative. On the contrary, children who are raised to appreciate sensible discipline are well equipped to lead happy lives. This is a fact that has been known for over 50 years.
It is the goal of education to guide and accompany children from babyhood to adulthood, from dependence to autonomy, from weakness, ignorance and immaturity to strength, wisdom and maturity, forming individuals who are able and willing to carry their share of responsibility. A noble goal, don’t you agree?
The key to the free development of a child’s character lies in loving communication. Of course, setting a good example, guiding and directing, awakening interest in truth, practical life experiences and yes, occasionally, punishment, are all important ingredients in the recipe.
Abusing the Rod
Some parents, especially those who experienced a lack of love in their childhood, tend to harsher disciplinary measures. Disciplining without love is like driving a car with no oil in the transmission. For a while it works, but suddenly it’s over. The damage is massive and disappointment reigns.
The goal of punishment is not to cause great suffering. These are opportunities to approach a child’s soul and to raise and direct his sense of values a little higher and little straighter. Compassionate conversation and explanations can help children understand what the correction is about and why it is needed. They appreciate this approach and feel valued by it.
Discipline is not just an educational measure, but can and should be an opportunity to teach and learn, as well. Let’s examine these aspects. Strafen kann eine Erziehungsmassnahme wie auch eine Unterweisung und ein Lernprozess sein. Beides wollen wir etwas genauer anschauen.
Values and Norms
The antiauthoritarian style of education in the 60s led to a shift in the norms of society. The idea was that children should learn for themselves from natural consequences, corrections and punishments of life. The results proved it to be a failure. Children need help to understand and practice norms, rules, laws and moral values. Society depends on this process.
To convey moral and spiritual values to our children is a work of paramount importance and must not be neglected. Challenges and violations of set limits sometimes provide good opportunities to impress a child’s mind with such values and principles. In this way children develop a high sense of self-worth, because they recognize therein a structure on which they can build their lives.
It is an important function of parents to teach their children these values and norms. They must oversee the process, ensure the observance thereof and implement any necessary corrections. Although a flame can be fascinating, the moment you touch it, you will be punished. If children don’t learn to react promptly to the warning “WATCH OUT!” crossing a dangerous road can mean life and death.
Meanwhile science has been meddling in education, something that has not always lead to positive results. Scientific knowledge is often given priority over common sense, but since education also carries a certain philosophical component, i.e. morals and faith, science can find itself bankrupt.
Love and Discipline
Philip (10)
His father is a sales representative and travels five days a week. On the weekend he works on the house and garden. So there’s not much time left for Philip. His father is physically and emotionally on the edge and his sense of humor is at a low. His tough language and tone with Philip are typical. He thinks he needs to be strict with his son. So Philip learns to fear his father and avoids him on the weekends.
Philip does not respect his father. Strictness without love always leads either to rebellion or resignation. He interprets his father’s severity as selfishness. Because he perceives himself as a burden, his self-worth suffers.
When it comes to punishment, fathers play an important role. Mothers often delay a punishment until father comes homes. If fathers can discipline their children properly, they will develop a strong relationship with them. Blessed are the children who experience a benevolent, sensible, intelligent punishment as a corrective measure for their lives!
By the way, a punishment should be administered and experienced immediately, or as quickly as possible after the offense, so the child's brain can process both together and make an intelligent connection between the two.
How Children Love
While many mature adults strive to live unconditional love, many get stuck in the conditional and try to provoke love as the answer to their loving efforts.
Children are different: they love egocentrically. A child recognizes its need for love and tries to fill its love tank. What the child does not realize is that, in order to give love, parents need love too. When their love tank is empty, children panic and, in one way or another, immediately ask the question, “Do you still love me?” If the answer to this question is not consistently satisfactory and positive, the child’s behavior deteriorates.
If the answer is, “Yes, I love you,” the love tank is filled and the child relaxes. A child that is relaxed and secure is relatively easy to train and influence. However, when parents reserve their loving attention for when their children are good, they are bound to experience exasperation as the children become more and more unruly.
So it is important for parents to know that a child’s simple challenges must be met with positive answers, because otherwise they endanger the child’s emotional stability. When a child displays obtrusive behavior, we should immediately try to fill his/her love tank by employing his/her love language.
When a mother uses her gift of communication for her children, lovingly, patiently and compassionately explains a situation or circumstances to her children, and sees them react positively, then an important milestone in education has been achieved.
Encouraging Good Behavior
When the question arises in your mind, “What can I do to get my boy to behave better?” then it’s a good idea to remember that PUNISHMENT is not the first option to be considered. Instead the question, “What does my boy need right now?” should be asked. Recognizing the needs that lead to less than ideal behavior helps us to react appropriately. You will notice that at such times the child’s love tank is most likely empty.
When the children are very young, they have no qualms about their methods of communicating their deficits. They can do the craziest things, and we might never get the message they are trying to communicate concerning their empty tanks. But when they are teenagers going through puberty, their reactions will be much sharper and more dangerous.
It must also be stated that it’s not always an empty love tank that leads to misbehavior. Physical problems are the second most likely cause. Pain, hunger, thirst, fatigue and sickness can also influence a child’s behavior greatly.
Training the Conscience and Practicing Forgiveness
When the question of physical causes has been answered without avail, the next question is: “To what degree has my child’s conscience already been developed?” When a child is really sorry for the situation, then there’s no need to pursue the matter further. He has learned his lesson and shown himself to be repentant. You can be very happy for that and forgive him. Repentance should always be followed by forgiveness.
Those who are truly repentant do not need to be punished, but forgiven. That is what we learn from the Word of God. It is also important for children to learn what forgiveness is. By experiencing it for himself, the child can begin to comprehend what forgiveness can mean for others. The experience of learning to apologize for their misbehavior is also an important part of this learning process.
Experiencing repentance and forgiveness opens a world to the children, a world of relationships that are marked by responsible behavior and appreciation, where empathy and social competence (see EQ) are promoted and the ability to love is developed.
In ideal cases, children in this environment learn to govern and correct themselves so that punishments are no longer necessary. Here are five suggestions on how to correct your children:
- Expressing desires – a very positive method, because it prevents anger and promotes responsibility
- Commands & demands – the tone makes the music, a command can cause pressure, resulting in counterpressure, but a friendly tone could produce the desired results
- Soft physical pressure – especially suitable for public encounters, can be done discreetly. Attention: the two-year-old NO-sayers are in the process of detaching themselves from their parents, finding their own identity.
- Punishment – is a drastic tool. Please consider the following:
- Punishment should be administered in proportion to the crime - fairness should always be recognizable, not too harsh, not too mild, and always consistent among the siblings.
- Not every child reacts the same way to every punishment – so it must be tailored for each child. If you know the child's love language, do NOT punish the child in that area! Great emotional stress, pain and trauma can result from such dealings with sensitive children.
- Keep an eye on your punishment meter! Parents generally give milder punishments when they feel good.
- Prepare yourself for the moment to punish so you can stand the pressure of the momentum of the moment.
- Disobedience is an attempt to challenge parental authority. Accept the challenge and try to counter the situation with a request.
- Rewards and punishments – the use of positive and negative reinforcements. Good behavior may be encouraged with rewards, and bad behavior can be discouraged by the removal of some valued object. Use this form of discipline sparingly, because otherwise your child may soon begin to feel unloved.
Disciplining teenagers is a chapter all by itself. On the one hand, they need to learn to think and act responsibly; on the other hand, they still need to learn to respect their parents' values. All the more important to know their love languages! Then, even big hurdles can be overcome.
Of course, there’s much more to say. I hope you found something useful for yourself.
Have a nice week
