Better DUET instead of DUEL

What a joy when husband and wife together make the family a community effort with the goal of building a meaningful, good future for themselves and the children! But reality shows that these are the exceptions. This blog would like to encourage the reader to take a step forward here.

Wikipedia on DUEL and DUETT

DUET

Duo Latin means 'two'. A duet is a musical work by two musicians (ensemble) or two (vocal) soloists. Even in nature there are animals where two partners sing in a duet.

DUEL

Latin duellum means 'duel'. This means a voluntary duel with the same, potentially deadly weapons, where honor disputes are fought according to traditionally established rules. Duels are prohibited in most countries.

It's easy to judge someone else's action if you set your preferences as the default!

Important is:

Don't waste a good conflict!

Recognize the chances of conflict. Every conflict has growth potential. It shows the way to reality and truth and points to something really important. He also shows the need for adjustment, because the situation can quickly lead to improvement and more maturity.

It quickly becomes clear that your own personality has a strong influence on the result when resolving conflicts. The following are some hot questions that you may be able to answer for yourself:

How do you tend to deal with daily conflicts? (LINK)

• Do you lose a lot of energy, do you quickly become insecure, lose your balance and do not know how to find a solution?

• Can you say NO with kind eyes, even thank you, or ‘the moment is bad’, or do you refer nicely to rules or principles and know how to say the right thing at the right time? EXCELLENT!

Do you have a mature temperament, (LINK)

• who has learned to look for the benefits, the truth and thus a good solution in conflicts?

• or do you not care, but it is important that you see your honor saved?

What did you build your self-worth on? (LINK)

• Is your track record more important than your relationships?

• Do you only agree to a conflict resolution when a profit is secured?

• Or are the relationships more important to you than anything else so that you do not have any relationship problems?

Do you know the partner's love languages ​​or your own? (LINK)

• Could it be that that conflict just trampled on one of the five love languages ​​at the partner?

• Was there perhaps too much reprimand instead of recognition?

• Was physical or linguistic rigor used instead of tenderness?

• Has practical help perished in the conflict?

Which of the following variants did you support in the last conflict? (LINK)

RETREAT? - fleeing the conflict area in a hurry, avoidance announced and everything swept under the carpet?

PUSH THROUGH? - was it about definitely asserting yourself, whatever the cost?

COMPROMISE? - did you try to reach a compromise, where everyone moves away from their demands and comes up to something until the partner is satisfied?

GIVE IN? - was it easier to just give in, to submit and for harmony to forego important things?

COOPERATION? - or did you opt for the best solution in most cases, which relies on creative cooperation and pursues an optimal solution with mutual interests?

Often the roles taken make conflict resolution more difficult. Are you a teacher who is used to being a referee, always being right and therefore used to making decisions for 'subordinates'? Then it is much more challenging to look for a solution together democratically, sensitively, benevolently.

Self-awareness is crucial

We have seen that who we are plays a crucial role in conflict management. Those who live in balance have quickly found a healthy solution. Interesting that this topic is also addressed in the Bible. I particularly like Paul's statement in Ephesians chapter 5 verse 28:

If you love your spouse, you love yourself!

So if I know my deficits and strengths, I'm more likely to recognize them in others. This makes it much easier to solve everyday challenges.

Ask yourself how much you love yourself. If you can roughly answer that and compare it with the quality of love that you show your partner, then this sentence above will be more understandable to you.

Self-love and social competence (LINK)

These two important components determine our quality of life. Anyone who invests here will be rewarded. Our fears disturb us. These should be replaced with positive arguments, namely with love thoughts. Those who base their thoughts on love have good fruits to reap.

In our Christian West, we have also developed Christian values. They can no longer be felt everywhere, but are still very important. Here are some:

• Respect your neighbor

• Respect your neighbor higher than yourself

• Every person is lovable

• Together we are stronger

Of course, our understanding of love, be it conditional or unconditional (LINK), plays an important role. Our need for harmony and acceptance can also be very important when it comes to the outcome of a conflict. Here are some key words that can be supportive:

• Not all conflicts are solvable

• Why not give the humor a little space too?

• It is better to discuss at the factual level than at the guilt level

• If you can say ‘sorry’, you will help further

• Instead of building a wall, a positive basic attitude helps better

• Taking responsibility and giving trust helps

I wish you every success in your next conflict !!

The Truth About Lies - 3 - Need for Acceptance

Maybe it was not possible for you to read part 1 and 2 of this ‘Truth-Series’. Here ist part 1 (LINK), and here is part 2 (LINK).

"As long as people don't like me, I can't find myself good either."

Perhaps you know the social chameleons who adapt their 'color' to the environment because they have not yet defined their own identity. They want to please everyone and are dependent on the recognition and respect of others. The longer this phase lasts, the stronger the questions become:

• Who am I?

• What am i really like?

• How do I actually feel?

Example Karen

Since childhood, Karen has learned to please everyone. She built her self-worth on the strategy of the relationship (see BLOG). Recognition has become vital to her survival. Her grades were always good. Her parents valued her because she never caused problems. "A lovely girl," was the motto everywhere.

At the age of 22, she had the idea that over the years, trying to please everyone else might not have had such a positive impact on her. She noticed her limited eye contact and the bad feeling when someone annoyed with her. Then she feels that she has to do everything so that this criticizing person would see her again in a positive light.

Karen wanted to join an association from which her parents had decidedly distanced themselves. This stole Karen's sleep. Her tendencies towards perfectionism (see BLOG) also bothered her. Karen chose to get counseling so she could get out of this downward spiral.

Finding your own way, making decisions yourself and taking responsibility for it, striving for general independence as sensibly as possible, all this makes us more mature and able to enter into real and deep relationships that are built on positive values.

The dangers behind it

With this lie - everyone must like me - your own well-being is placed in the hands of other people; maybe in trustworthy, but maybe not. Relatives and friends can take advantage of this ‘power’ and manipulate the ‘victim’ that requires recognition. Instead of taking care of themselves, they cannot help serving other needs. Over time, this leads to growing inner anger.

Some mothers can support this lie and require their child to be responsive to their needs. Then the child - now perhaps married and with children - has to call at least three times a week and be present at her home at every party, even though he lives hundreds of kilometers away. If the child did not do this, they would make it hear that it was a bad child.

Recognize emotional attachments

Once we have recognized these emotional ties, we can decide:

Should I do what I think is right, although I have to expect others not to like it? Or
Should I try to please the others by doing what they want and thereby ignoring my conviction?

This creates a tug between guilt (living your own conviction and thus ignoring others) and anger (doing only what others want and neglecting yourself).

You know the saying:

"We can't please everyone!"

Right? The more demanding the social environment, the more lost we are if we really want something. If we are surrounded by mature people, the surprise is that they can respond sensitively to a ‘NO’.

“No thanks, that doesn't suit me. Maybe another time. Nice offer anyway. See you. Bye Bye."

What is real love here?

When I am addicted, do I love the others by always fulfilling their wishes in order to get recognition? Can I love others if I haven't found my self-value yet, maybe even hate myself? Don't I have to learn to accept my strengths and weaknesses first? After done this, couldn't I meet other people's needs better? Wouldn't it be important to think about my self-worth (see BLOG) and develop it properly before I simply give up my identity and only pursue other opinions?

"We can't please everyone!"

Repeat this true statement as often as you are trying to learn to take your own needs seriously. Because everyone else will have a profit later. Because then, as a mature personality, you have become a social added value.

There is nothing more important than real love and deep friendship. However, this requires two mature personalities, as independent and free as possible for a joint adventure trip. The more independent, the more can be given into a partnership. The more dependent, the more energy and strength is deducted.

Let us remember:

Those who love themselves and have accepted themselves can also love others.

see BLOG

The Most Important Thing in Life: Love

For many, love is a feeling. When it is present, we love, when it isn’t, we don’t. Really? Is that it? I think there is much more potential. Let’s see.

"The most important thing in life is love." Some men get nervous when they hear this sentence. But if love is defined in somewhat broader terms, it’s a bit easier for us men to digest. We can love our motorcycles, our gardens, our iPhones, our favorite desserts and, of course, our children. I can also love my job, springtime or a movie. Some people even love books! What good is all my money, the fastest car or the shiniest shoes if I can’t love and enjoy it all with my whole heart and with someone I love? 

What do you think of the following sentence: 

Success in life is when you give and receive a lot of love.

I personally believe that we as humans often have a limited understanding of love. We are much too quick to accept an inferior substitute rather than striving for true love. Imagine a world in which love is given and received on an hourly basis, every love tank is always full and every person’s life is completely in balance!

How do you define love? Is it a strong feeling of affection toward a friend or family member? Or does love always include sexual attraction?

The strongest bond known to humans is love. A couple whose hearts are bound together by love is nearly invincible. The only thing stronger is the love of a mother for her children: it surpasses every other quality found in human society.

What is Love?

Wikipedia: "Love encompasses a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, ranging from the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest pleasure. An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment. Love can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—‘the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.’ It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.”

The feeling of love can develop independent of reciprocation. (BLOG)

Unrequited love refers to those feelings of love that are not reciprocated and is not so satisfying.  Interpersonal love, on the other hand, refers to love between human beings and is a much more potent sentiment than a simple liking for a person. Such love might exist between family members, friends and couples.

Subject or Object-Oriented

Love can generally be understood as a strong attraction to other people, animals, possessions, hobbies or ideas. This definition also interprets love as an expression of deep appreciation.

If love is bestowed on a subject, it will be characterized by a healthy respect and noble intentions. However, if love is more object-oriented, it is more likely inclined to use the object for its own purposes and needs. An example could be the relationship between a man and his new car: his ownership boosts his status and prestige. A more tragic example could be a man who is into pornography: when a man is used to seeing women as objects to be used, he will automatically perceive and use his wife in the same way.

Free Will

True love is a voluntary relationship between two people based on their own free wills. True lovers respect each other’s personal space while encouraging and steadily moving toward each other. When it comes to raising children, it is important to develop their free wills and instill good values in them.

The more children understand the privilege and responsibility, of the freedom to make choices based on their own value system (given them by their parents), the greater a blessing they can be for society. In this way, their intrinsic motivation (BLOG) will also be developed and practiced.

Types of Love

Three terms that were used in ancient times to express different aspects of love are still known and used today:

o  EROS – a sensual, erotic love, a strong desire for intimacy with one’s beloved, a desire to be loved, passion

o  PHILIA – friendship, reciprocal love, appreciation and understanding

o  AGAPE – a selfless and supportive love, a love for one’s neighbors (and even for one’s enemies!), which has their best interests in mind

Here are a few more modern terms that help us express and differentiate between different kinds of love:

o  Self Love is generally accepted as the prerequisite for the ability to love others. The negative side of this would be selfishness, which often leads to narcissism.  (BLOG)

o  Partner Love is often expressed through the sexual act in loving, ideally in romantic, monogamous relationships. The validity of the latter specification has, however, lately come under fire.

o  Family Love is the most highly valued form of love, next to partner love. It is the love between (close) relatives (father, mother, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins). Friends can also be elevated to family status and treated with the same affection or more than one’s own family.

o  Neighbor Love, or love for one’s neighbor, is often understood as being expressed through charities for the underprivileged, but can really be stretched to include all people. The climax of love, the art of loving one’s neighbor, is found in the love for one’s enemies.

o  Object and Idea Oriented Love are areas that include love for pets and all animals, as well as nature itself with all its grandeur and intricacies. Hobbies, patriotism and one’s personal freedom can also be the object of one’s love.

o  God’s Love is in a class all by itself. It entails His love for His creation and especially for humans. This is where the components of unconditional love Bedingungslosen Liebe are most strongly expressed: indeed, this is their origin.

Many people find the fulfillment and affection they desire in loving their pets, but there is something much better.  It’s a love that heals from the inside out, that can heal every wound and worry, and can change every fear to love. It is ___

God’s Love

"God is love and he that dwells in love dwells in God and God in him." 

The message here in 1 John 4:16 is very special: The God of the Bible has always been and will always be a God of love. We can profit from that if we stay with HIM. That must mean He lets us profit from His ability to love. Have you ever experienced that? 

Just imagine a person: born in No-man’s-land. Parents divorced. Poorly educated. Now grown up, with a huge lack of love. Never really learned what love is. Then an offer is presented: Dear Person, you have the opportunity to replace your deficit with love. The closer your relationship with HIM, the more your fears will be replaced by love.

Paul writes something interesting in his letter to the Galatians. In chapter 5, verse 22, he says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and self-discipline.”

Which of these nine points do you like best? Which would you choose? The good news is that it’s an ALL-in-ONE package! So you can have ALL of these qualities WHEN / IF you live with Jesus.

Do you know anyone that demonstrates the truth of this system? Do you know anyone who has changed for the better since he or she began to work with Jesus and thus began to “eat” of this fruit?

It would be well worth making a blog for every single one of these nine points: the potential found in the Person of JESUS CHRIST is absolutely sensational!

I hope you will find something positive for your life here today. Many people go through life alone with all their burdens and unfulfilled needs, but it needn’t be so.

There is a God who loves His creatures unconditionally and wants to help them, just because they are His creation, and HE is made of pure love. This is an opportunity that no one should pass up. You can even talk to Him, however you can and are willing to do so. He will hear you and react. Don’t miss it!

God says: "Whoever comes to Me, I will not cast away. Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you." Communication with God is something many people practice, and they receive strength and courage for challenges every day.  Thank God for that!

Self-hatred And Self-love

Sometimes I wonder why I reacted like that _ and who I actually am.

As you probably know, there are stark forms of self-loathing. These include self-destructive forms such as anorexia, bulimia or borderline disorders (scratching oneself) ...

What I would prefer to address at this point are the everyday methods that are often traditionally accepted and strain our happiness without our perhaps being aware of it. These can include: smoking, drinking alcohol, too little exercise, which can lead to obesity, social incompetence, which leads to unhappy relationships, etc.

Those who do not like others can run away, those who do not like themselves cannot!

Definition of self-hatred

Self-hatred refers to forms of self-rejection and self-contempt. This goes hand in hand with self-harming behavior, consciously or unconsciously.

This makes it clear that self-hatred is an emotion directed against oneself, based on a lack of self-confidence and self (respect) or fear and inner tension. Often the relationship to one's own being, including the body, soul and spirit, has been disturbed, unfortunately mostly in childhood. Thus, hatred, anger, frustration, and aggression can easily affect social relationships. Too bad.

The human tendency to choose what brings the greatest profit, gain in pleasure, money and power, this tendency has plunged so many dear people into misery.

• Just eating what you like without considering whether it will have a destructive effect on my body is kind of irrational, isn't it?

• Just thinking like that, regardless of whether it will cause damage sooner or later, is somehow insufficient, isn't it?

• Simply allowing feelings that destroy me or others, increase my fears and want to rob me of my quality of love and life, that is somehow illogical, actually stupid, or what do you think?

It is a characteristic of high emotional intelligence to live not only for the moment, but from the past for a responsible future.

The opposite of self-hatred is self-love.

Since self-hatred has been learned, one can also learn to love oneself better. This path from self-denial to self-acceptance is a path that takes patience and a decision that should not be easily overturned. Because that is where the real happiness of life really begins.

Accepting oneself holistically despite weaknesses is probably one of the most mature decisions a person can make.

Imagine a person who is bursting with self-acceptance who does nothing to harm him / her. Who just tries to keep an eye on what is good for body, soul and spirit. A person who can make reasonable decisions because he has noticed what is a real gain for him / her. Isn't that a totally sane idea? Don't you want to move in that direction too? So totally positive, learn to say NO to destructive temptations. That could also be Swiss chocolate!

As I said, there is a path and you don't get there straight away. But the quality of life will increase immediately. When it comes to food, for example, you sometimes don't notice it right away. Many people are only presented with the bill for their lifestyle after 5-20 years. Often times, an immediate correction can prevent the worst, but most of the time a severe loss of freedom is the consequence.

Those who are at peace with themselves are open to other people. "He who loves other people loves himself," said Paul.

There would be a lot to write about self-hatred and self-love.

What is certain is that it helps when you meet someone who likes you, even loves you. Someone who knows and has experienced what real love is. This is a great help on the way to balance.

Hopefully you have that privilege too. Some have to limit themselves to their cat or dog. For me, my marriage and family are probably the strongest signals of love that can come from people. But I have seen that there is much more. Imagine someone who wants to do everything for you, who wants to help you in all your challenges, who knows you so well that he knows what is best for you.

What a privilege to have such a lovely family. Thank God.

If you have access to the Christian faith, then I can highly recommend you to look at the life of this JESUS again. Let us show you what dimensions LOVE has, what LOVE can really do and how healing it is to encounter such a deep interest in yourself. There is no real argument against real LOVE. Do not miss that. The Gospel chapters in Matthew 25-28, Mark 12-16, Luke 20-24 and John 16-21 lead into this depth of love, which has divine dimensions and therefore has the greatest healing potential. Happy the person who can accept this offer.

Love has different components. Part of it is unconditional love.

Unconditional love is like dynamite

• is like water for someone dying of thirst

• like an apple to a starving man

• this love is like running on an early morning beach where the sun, sea and landscape warm and hug you.

More about that later.