From Friendship to Marriage I

Love is something fascinating. It exceeds all our imaginations. Loving and being loved is man's highest quality of life.

Dating - the Challenge

Are you maybe also tired of the dating game? Did you just get out of a bad relationship? Are you looking for something better now? What are your criterias for dating? Did you ever reflect on the strategy on how to find the best partner for life?

Normal dating is usually based on self-fulfillment. Many times it shows a persons own deficits. The bigger the deficits - the stronger the need for compensation through ‘falling in love’.

We often forget that the gift of singleness gives us time to grow as individuals. So we should take full advantage of this important time, shouldn’t we?

In this blog we want to think about, how our creator designed our world for relationships and marriage.

Why shop if you’re not gonna buy? => Why date if you can’t marry yet?

You propably know a lot of relationships in the state of dating, right? Do you also think that many times it looks like a game? Can you see a lot of stressful, agonizing and painful moments? Does it happen that sometimes being with groups and normals friendships is much more fun than a one-on-one relationship? Why is this often the case?

Some also get stressed or even discouraged by the fact that they don’t have someone to get dressed up for and daydream about.

Young believers can often understand that it is not God’s timing right now to have a relationship and being distracted from work and the purpose the Lord has designed for them. Whoever is interested in Bible knowledge and truth can also find advice concerning this important topic !!

If you belong to one of these following groups this blog is designed for you:

• You just got out of a bad relationship, and don’t want to be hurt again. Better NOT dating.

• Since you never felt comfortable with dating you look for alternatives

• You’re in a dating relationship that you realize is heading in the worng direction. You are interested in finding ways to keep the relationship within God’s boundaries.

• Maybe you are in a blessed dating relationship, and you’re curious why anyone would choose not to date.

It is a great blessing to develop a partnership where maturing teamwork is lived. Problems are there to be solved and want to be solved by both without living egoisticly and showing deficient backgrounds. Wonderful!

What is SMART LOVE ?

Do you realize that every time you have a dating relationship you give something of your heart to your partner that you won’t be able to take back anymore? The more relationships you had the higher the risk that your love-quality will be less. How many times have you given away your heart in shortterm relationships?

Many teenagers consider dating as an essential part of a normal good life. Dating becomes a game, a chance to play at love and experiment with relationships. Especially if they experiment with physically intimacy soon it shows that this has nothing to do with real love and affection. It’s just lust, as it is seen in many movies or in the schools, where dating is ‘in’.

In many cases the stronger the fears in a person the stronger the need for compensation to falling into a ’love’ mood. Going into a relationship without real love ends mostly in being dumped or doing dumping. And nobody really likes that, right?

I am sorry to say that most high school relationships are premature, too much, too soon. Many play with physical contact which makes them loose a center part of their heart that should be designed for their real marriage partner.

Paul writes about the real love in Philippians 1:9-10 the following:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.

Or in paraphrasing words:

Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head (frontal lob-LINK) and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush!

Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical knowledge and insight. It also opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and blameless in His sight.

What about this:

We must realize that we have no business asking for a girls’/boys’ heart and affections if we are not ready to back up our request with a lifelong commitment !! Until we can do that, we would only be using that partner to meet our shortterm needs, not seeking to bless her/him for the long term.

By avoiding romance before God tells us we would be ready for it, we can better serve girls/boys as a good friend. That way we can remain free to keep our focus on the Lord. THIS IS SMART LOVE in action !

This love also makes us evaluate all parts of our dating relationship to make sure we don’t go too far, allowing ourselves to get pulled into something we should avoid. It looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at the big picture: SERVING OTHERS AND GLORIFYING GOD.

In most relationships, the goal of starting a family with children is also part of it. This brings some changes into the relationship: the husband's name is suddenly ‘Papa’ and he no longer carries the number 1 but has become number 2, since the wife has become a mother and will do everything possible to take care of her child day and night.

Knowing What is Best

Waiting until I’m ready for commitment before pursuing romance is just one example of smart love in action. When our love grows in knowledge we can more readily ‘discern what is best’ for our lives.

Here a challenging situation: A friend at school asks you out. How do you seek guidance about what kind of person you can go out with? Maybe you have gone out on a few dates with someone, and ouy just kissed for the first time. It was exciting and you felt as if your’re in love. But is this real love?

“What about my needs?” you may be asking. ATTENTION: When we make God’s glory and other people’s needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive God’s best in our lives as well.

SMART LOVE unlocks GOD’s best for our lives !!!

When we make our main priority in relationships pleasing God and blessing others, we will find true peace and joy. Why not treat girls or boys as potential sisters and brothers in Christ. That way we will discover the richness of true friendship. That way peace and power will come out of purity. By kissing dating good-bye because we have found out that God has something better in store, we will move in a much better quality of life.

Some thoughts from the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” from Joshua Harris

To be continued

The Truth About Lies - 3 - Need for Acceptance

Maybe it was not possible for you to read part 1 and 2 of this ‘Truth-Series’. Here ist part 1 (LINK), and here is part 2 (LINK).

"As long as people don't like me, I can't find myself good either."

Perhaps you know the social chameleons who adapt their 'color' to the environment because they have not yet defined their own identity. They want to please everyone and are dependent on the recognition and respect of others. The longer this phase lasts, the stronger the questions become:

• Who am I?

• What am i really like?

• How do I actually feel?

Example Karen

Since childhood, Karen has learned to please everyone. She built her self-worth on the strategy of the relationship (see BLOG). Recognition has become vital to her survival. Her grades were always good. Her parents valued her because she never caused problems. "A lovely girl," was the motto everywhere.

At the age of 22, she had the idea that over the years, trying to please everyone else might not have had such a positive impact on her. She noticed her limited eye contact and the bad feeling when someone annoyed with her. Then she feels that she has to do everything so that this criticizing person would see her again in a positive light.

Karen wanted to join an association from which her parents had decidedly distanced themselves. This stole Karen's sleep. Her tendencies towards perfectionism (see BLOG) also bothered her. Karen chose to get counseling so she could get out of this downward spiral.

Finding your own way, making decisions yourself and taking responsibility for it, striving for general independence as sensibly as possible, all this makes us more mature and able to enter into real and deep relationships that are built on positive values.

The dangers behind it

With this lie - everyone must like me - your own well-being is placed in the hands of other people; maybe in trustworthy, but maybe not. Relatives and friends can take advantage of this ‘power’ and manipulate the ‘victim’ that requires recognition. Instead of taking care of themselves, they cannot help serving other needs. Over time, this leads to growing inner anger.

Some mothers can support this lie and require their child to be responsive to their needs. Then the child - now perhaps married and with children - has to call at least three times a week and be present at her home at every party, even though he lives hundreds of kilometers away. If the child did not do this, they would make it hear that it was a bad child.

Recognize emotional attachments

Once we have recognized these emotional ties, we can decide:

Should I do what I think is right, although I have to expect others not to like it? Or
Should I try to please the others by doing what they want and thereby ignoring my conviction?

This creates a tug between guilt (living your own conviction and thus ignoring others) and anger (doing only what others want and neglecting yourself).

You know the saying:

"We can't please everyone!"

Right? The more demanding the social environment, the more lost we are if we really want something. If we are surrounded by mature people, the surprise is that they can respond sensitively to a ‘NO’.

“No thanks, that doesn't suit me. Maybe another time. Nice offer anyway. See you. Bye Bye."

What is real love here?

When I am addicted, do I love the others by always fulfilling their wishes in order to get recognition? Can I love others if I haven't found my self-value yet, maybe even hate myself? Don't I have to learn to accept my strengths and weaknesses first? After done this, couldn't I meet other people's needs better? Wouldn't it be important to think about my self-worth (see BLOG) and develop it properly before I simply give up my identity and only pursue other opinions?

"We can't please everyone!"

Repeat this true statement as often as you are trying to learn to take your own needs seriously. Because everyone else will have a profit later. Because then, as a mature personality, you have become a social added value.

There is nothing more important than real love and deep friendship. However, this requires two mature personalities, as independent and free as possible for a joint adventure trip. The more independent, the more can be given into a partnership. The more dependent, the more energy and strength is deducted.

Let us remember:

Those who love themselves and have accepted themselves can also love others.

see BLOG