The Truth About Lies - 3 - Need for Acceptance

Maybe it was not possible for you to read part 1 and 2 of this ‘Truth-Series’. Here ist part 1 (LINK), and here is part 2 (LINK).

"As long as people don't like me, I can't find myself good either."

Perhaps you know the social chameleons who adapt their 'color' to the environment because they have not yet defined their own identity. They want to please everyone and are dependent on the recognition and respect of others. The longer this phase lasts, the stronger the questions become:

• Who am I?

• What am i really like?

• How do I actually feel?

Example Karen

Since childhood, Karen has learned to please everyone. She built her self-worth on the strategy of the relationship (see BLOG). Recognition has become vital to her survival. Her grades were always good. Her parents valued her because she never caused problems. "A lovely girl," was the motto everywhere.

At the age of 22, she had the idea that over the years, trying to please everyone else might not have had such a positive impact on her. She noticed her limited eye contact and the bad feeling when someone annoyed with her. Then she feels that she has to do everything so that this criticizing person would see her again in a positive light.

Karen wanted to join an association from which her parents had decidedly distanced themselves. This stole Karen's sleep. Her tendencies towards perfectionism (see BLOG) also bothered her. Karen chose to get counseling so she could get out of this downward spiral.

Finding your own way, making decisions yourself and taking responsibility for it, striving for general independence as sensibly as possible, all this makes us more mature and able to enter into real and deep relationships that are built on positive values.

The dangers behind it

With this lie - everyone must like me - your own well-being is placed in the hands of other people; maybe in trustworthy, but maybe not. Relatives and friends can take advantage of this ‘power’ and manipulate the ‘victim’ that requires recognition. Instead of taking care of themselves, they cannot help serving other needs. Over time, this leads to growing inner anger.

Some mothers can support this lie and require their child to be responsive to their needs. Then the child - now perhaps married and with children - has to call at least three times a week and be present at her home at every party, even though he lives hundreds of kilometers away. If the child did not do this, they would make it hear that it was a bad child.

Recognize emotional attachments

Once we have recognized these emotional ties, we can decide:

Should I do what I think is right, although I have to expect others not to like it? Or
Should I try to please the others by doing what they want and thereby ignoring my conviction?

This creates a tug between guilt (living your own conviction and thus ignoring others) and anger (doing only what others want and neglecting yourself).

You know the saying:

"We can't please everyone!"

Right? The more demanding the social environment, the more lost we are if we really want something. If we are surrounded by mature people, the surprise is that they can respond sensitively to a ‘NO’.

“No thanks, that doesn't suit me. Maybe another time. Nice offer anyway. See you. Bye Bye."

What is real love here?

When I am addicted, do I love the others by always fulfilling their wishes in order to get recognition? Can I love others if I haven't found my self-value yet, maybe even hate myself? Don't I have to learn to accept my strengths and weaknesses first? After done this, couldn't I meet other people's needs better? Wouldn't it be important to think about my self-worth (see BLOG) and develop it properly before I simply give up my identity and only pursue other opinions?

"We can't please everyone!"

Repeat this true statement as often as you are trying to learn to take your own needs seriously. Because everyone else will have a profit later. Because then, as a mature personality, you have become a social added value.

There is nothing more important than real love and deep friendship. However, this requires two mature personalities, as independent and free as possible for a joint adventure trip. The more independent, the more can be given into a partnership. The more dependent, the more energy and strength is deducted.

Let us remember:

Those who love themselves and have accepted themselves can also love others.

see BLOG

Mindfulness!! Do You Mind??

You have probably heard the term “Mindfulness” or “Mindful Meditation”. If not, you may soon encounter it. Many magazines are taking up the subject and raising readers’ awareness of it. There are some very interesting and important reasons behind this development, which I would like to share with you.

One Example

Let’s say your child comes home from school and says: "Mommy, today we did something funny: we had to put our feet on the floor and, with our backs straight and our eyes closed, we had to think about either our left hands or our right ones. It wasn’t easy, but it was fun." How would you react as a mother? What strange new methods is the teacher trying out on your child?

What is meant by “mindfulness”?

Conscious self-observations, sharpening one’s senses, pausing to breathe deeply, getting out of the daily grind; these are some goals of mindful meditation.

Mindfulness in this sense means focusing one’s undivided attention on whatever is happening at the moment. The idea is that all five senses should experience and accept the situation as it is, without judgment.

In previous blogs dealing with emotional intelligence, we learned that self-awareness is an important skill on the way to social competence (see BLOG). This aspect of mindfulness is positive. But soon a critical point appears:

Besides learning to accept and care for themselves, students of mindfulness learn not to criticize or evaluate anything. Everything they discover, whether feelings, things or people, should be observed as if it were the first time. They are not to judge or use any previous knowledge, only to observe the moment. To my mind, this sounds a little bit like, “Turn off your frontal lobes!” (see BLOG ).

A mindful meal might include questions like, “How does the tomato smell?” “How does the food feel on my tongue?” “What does it taste like?”

Does that sound nice to you? In our modern, over-stressed world, and even in our classrooms, mindfulness is very trendy. What significance does it carry and what is important for parents to know?

The teacher says, “Put your feet flat on the floor. Keeping your backs straight, lift up your shoulders. Now let them fall. Place your palms on your knees and close your mouth and eyes. Now, let’s think about our hair.”

Children learn to consciously observe themselves and practice self-awareness in order to live in the present and find peace within. It is said that adults benefit physically by doing these exercises, and their tendency to become stressed declines. Neuroscience has now also begun to take interest in this subject, which has been long practiced and promoted by eastern religions.

The Roots of Mindfulness

The idea of mindful meditation has its source in Buddhism and is called Vipassana. It concentrates on four areas: body, feelings, mind and objects. Meditation is an important component of both Buddhism and Hinduism, but both take it a few steps further than just meditation.

I can change who I am and become unique. This is the point of all meditation and can be easily shown in one well-known yoga technique.

Yoga is not a type of gymnastics, but a tool in Hinduism, used to reach a state of “enlightenment”. The breath serves to open a passage through which the effects of the exercise may be compounded. This is an open invitation for any and all spiritual entities and influences to enter. Because of the danger that it can lead to depression and psychosis, schools of medicine recommend that those with weak psyches abstain from its use. Christians believe there are not only good but also evil spiritual powers. These should be avoided and shunned. To allow evil entities entrance is indeed dangerous. Therefore, it is my personal opinion that this practice is dangerous for everyone.

Danger

Since self-awareness is an important factor in the Biblical-Christian tradition, it is seen as a dangerous weakness to give up one’s presence of mind and sense of responsibility for any reason. In light of the constant stream of temptation trying to draw us away from a relationship with our Creator, it follows that an alert, strong and highly active frontal lobe (BLOG) is vital. Everything that weakens it may be perceived as perilous.

Discovering the divine within us, or thinking one is actually God has been the main strategy of the enemy since the Garden of Eden. From a Christian point of view, we cannot save ourselves. We can, however, deceive ourselves! Religions that teach that we can save ourselves are in clear opposition to the biblical concept of grace and justification by faith. The idea that we can save ourselves not only shows a lack of humility, but also promotes the development of a narcissistic, self-centered personality.

On no account should we allow the supernatural to influence our free will so that we can no longer make our own decisions. God never uses force. He wants us to use our power of choice. God is love, and true love can only exist where there is freedom!

People who choose to follow mystic, spiritualistic religions risk experiencing a negative supernatural influence on their lives. The Bible calls it demonic. For example, they might hear voices telling them to execute some rash act. The next step could be possession.

Jesus redefined LOVE. Just imagine the host of angels watching the cross, amazed at the depth and breadth and length to which love could go, that the Creator of the universe would die for us! How awesome is that?

My Suggestion

As parents, we should be cautious if our children come home with such ideas. We should, as the saying goes, “nip it in the bud.” Once children get used to this kind of meditation, they might be more likely to participate in more advanced forms and practices later. Talk to their teachers about it and find out if they have studied into the subject and understand the hidden dangers therein. Communicate your opinion and boundaries.

How can children be taught protective values? Through 'valuable' stories.

Successful bookworms start young! Reading or listening to good books can do a lot toward forming a child’s values. Children who grow up with the privilege of good literature have great advantages.

You can strengthen your children’s value systems and protect them by telling them stories from the Bible. Every believing Christian family should spend some time together in devotion and quiet time concentrating on their Creator’s love. The experiences and information given the children at these times will be a great help to them. They may be able to take what they learn into their school life. In this way, you could say they take Jesus with them.

I’m sure not everyone shares my opinion on this subject. When we look at things through the eyes of the Bible, many things look different. It says that shortly before Jesus returns, deception will increase greatly. We need an alert mind in order to stay on the path of life. I wish this for you with all my heart.

Ref: Eltern Magazin 4/18

The 5 Love Languages for Children - Affirmation

Give praise to whom praise is due! We all dream of being praised for our achievements. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. How much praise does a child need in order to feel loved and accepted? What are the risks and challenges involved in the implementation of this love language in different age groups? That’s our subject for today.

You can find out more about the first love language here:  LS1-Physical Touch

Babies understand the tone and emotional import of our utterances and gestures long before they can recognize words. Our facial expressions and behavior also produce social vibes that children learn to interpret early in life. Words of affirmation is a love language that is understood at every stage of development. Here’s an example of how this understanding might look at a later stage.

"My dad claps and cheers when I make a goal in soccer. Then he says, ‘You worked hard for that!’ He makes sure I understand that playing is more important than winning. And when I mess up, he lets me know it’s not such a big deal. ‘It happens to everybody.’ He likes it when I do my best."

The message this boy gets from his father is full of affection and encouragement, and tells him, “You are important to me.” These are seeds that will produce a rich harvest of healthy feelings of self-worth as the boy grows from childhood into manhood.

Playing together is a special way for parents to knit their children’s souls to their own. When they give their children their undivided attention, trying to understand their feelings and put them into words, the children’s emotional intelligence is increased. See blog EQ and Family.

Words and Actions

Loving words alone are not as easily understood as those imbedded in a loving context. For example, you tell your child a good night story and end with, “I love you so much!” Words of praise or affirmation should always be accompanied by a corresponding, affirmative action in order to help the child understand the meaning of the words. Later, when the child has connected the words with the action, words will suffice because his or her brain will connect the words with the associated experiences of the past.

"My mother used to compliment my red hair every morning when she brushed it. That helped me develop a positive self-image."

Be careful !

Every child has certain unique characteristics that their schoolmates can tease them about. Red hair is beautiful if Mommy and Daddy say so.

We should differentiate between compliments awarded for achievements and those given for regular daily duties. In either case, exaggerations should be avoided. An excess of sugarcoated compliments can cause words to lose their meaning. For children, praise must be fitting and just in order to have its intended effect. Words of praise or affirmation given without a tangible cause can easily be interpreted as flattery or deceit.

Children can get used to too much praise. If this overabundance should suddenly cease, for whatever reason, it may cause fear and a sense of personal failure to arise in some sensitive children.

Encouragement

For babies, everything that happens is new. When they take their first steps and receive encouragement, their will to learn is strengthened. Identification and imitation is probably the strongest method of learning in the first few years of life. See blog - Conditional Love. When children see their parents giving gifts to others, they learn to do the same and the positive resonance received reinforces their actions. In this way, all kinds of behaviors can be trained and managed.

The ability to give encouragement to others is largely dependent on one’s own energy level and joy in life. For this reason, it is particularly beneficial for parents to praise and encourage one another regularly. Anger is affirmation’s greatest enemy. It destroys marriages, as well as parent-child relationships.  Children react to anger automatically with contempt, and this destroys parental authority. Insults have a paralyzing effect on children. Because they believe every word you say, disproportionate feelings of guilt are produced. It is therefore extremely important to keep our emotions under control. (This will be a subject for another time.)

The Tone Makes the Music

Keeping a quiet voice in the face of great stress is an art that many parents would do well to learn. By so doing, they show their children they have the situation, the relationship and themselves under control. Children will pick up and learn that skill from their parents. See blog - EQ und Family.

When children are small, commands can work well. However, we teach them early on to add “PLEASE” to their wishes. This teaches them to respect authority. Young children accept this as natural, unless there are problems with authority. Older children, and especially teenagers, are much easier to reach with REQUESTS.

When children draw back in an effort to protect themselves in situations that are not at all dangerous, or when they fight a lot and show signs of rebellion, these are warning signals that should not be ignored. These children need to have their emotional tanks filled. The best and easiest way to do that is through their favorite love languages.

For example, if we want to warn a child about drugs, we must not do it in an aggressive tone. Important values must be communicated in a way that builds confidence. Good advice is a gift, but if it is wrapped in ugly packaging, it can provoke rebellion. The child’s reaction may be the exact opposite from what you want. Education should not consist of a long list of prohibitions, but of counsel, nurture and support. If parents forbid their children to smoke, but smoke themselves, children will find it difficult to accept their authority and take them seriously.

Learning to make decisions

On the other hand, children feel respected when they are allowed to make decisions and see that their opinions count. Of course, their competence grows as they do and must be measured according to their age and maturity. When parents choose to focus more on the good in their children rather than on their misdeeds and express these thoughts in their daily communication, their children’s self-confidence and competence is strengthened. When children learn to make good decisions at an early age, this habit will accompany them into later life as well.

Example: Reto (10)

Reto’s parents noticed that he was no longer interested in anything. He seemed constantly bored and totally unmotivated. Nothing they tried could get his attention. They bought him a dog, but it didn’t help. When they went to a seminar on the five love languages, they realized they had completely neglected his love language. Although they had given him presents and hugged him a lot, he hadn’t reacted a bit. They saw that when they had spoken to him, most of their communication contained some form of reprimand. Then they began to praise him more and attach the message «You are important» to their words. They chose to speak positively.

One month later, Reto was a new boy. Hi parents were convinced that raising children was no coincidental affair, but rather a daily challenge. Children are all unique little people who are in a continuous process of change. The experiences and learning processes they are constantly passing through make them dynamic entities that parents need to learn about and adjust to every day. If Reto had been involved in internet gaming, his parents’ efforts to reach him may have come too late. That is an addiction that destroys brain power and social skills.

Good Measures

If we speak the wrong love language to our children over a long period of time, the results can be devastating. Children who experience this become frustrated and are forced to go through life with an empty or half empty love tank. Simple duties become difficult and sooner or later they will question their parents’ authority. Messages of rebuke and reprimand showered upon a child whose greatest desire is to hear words of affirmation will wreak havoc in the child’s soul.

Parents are to raise, or educate their children. The word “educate” comes from the latin «educare», which means to bring up or, more precisely, to lead out. Where to? This is a very important question. It’s a question we should not easily forget. It will help us recognize what is actually happening in our children’s development. We really do want the best for them, don’t we?

However, if you decide to become competent in this love language, it would be good to direct your attention to this subject for a certain amount of time (perhaps a month). It would also be good to do it with another person for objectivity’s sake. Maybe one person is good at note taking and could keep a diary of all the observations and examples of other parents, books on education, teachers, internet, etc. These ideas could then be practiced in the mirror to learn how to best reach a child with these messages of love that would bring healing and joy to his or her hurting heart. 

Your change in attitude and behavior will not go unnoticed. Your child will realize the difference. When you make a mistake and revert to earlier habits, apologize. This will also have a positive effect. If you are persistent in your new habits, your child may even begin to reciprocate and give you some positive reinforcement. Then you’ll see you are on the right path and will be able to enjoy the fruit of your labor!

Children’s Response to the Love Languages

Regina (8) :  "My mommy tells me she loves me every day. I think my daddy loves me too, but he never says it."

Kevin (10) : He recently arrived at his fourth foster home. He believes they love him simply because "they don’t yell at me.  They treat me like a human being, even when I mess up. For some reason they like me. "

Lisa (12) : She broke her arm. Her parents encouraged her in this challenging situation, saying she would surely catch up on her school work. The assured her that they were proud of her and knew she wouldn’t give up.

When children and especially youth are sick, it’s a good opportunity to get closer to their hearts. Appreciation and approval can be communicated. These are precious moments indeed. However, one must be careful that these are not the only precious moments we share with our children. If so, there is a danger that the children will grow into adulthood with the idea the only way to get the attention they crave and their love tanks filled is through sickness and infirmity.

Closing Thoughts

It is generally easier for one parent or the other to adjust to the love language needs of their children. Many are not aware of the damage they cause with the tone of their voice, impatience and anger. In such cases, ask your partner to be your sounding board. Ask him or her to note such situations and tell you what you said and the reactions that were produced. This will be a humbling process, but if you can do it, it will be a sign of your dedication and sense of parental responsibility.

If you take hold of this opportunity to work on yourself, you will enjoy great blessings, which will be seen in your children and in your own sense of self-worth. Remember:

Children are like a garden. The more we plant and the more care we invest, the more abundant our harvest will be!

Let’s enjoy the beautiful flowers and fruits of our garden of education. Good work in the area of training our children will produce much joy in life!

'Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds.

You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.'

The application to our subject is simple: Our children are our gardens. Our interactions are the seeds. Depending on the seeds we plant, our children can become healthy and mature or fruitless and useless adults. When you look at it that way, I would say any effort we invest is definitely worth it!

Dear Reader, I wish you a nice week!