entscheiden — Blog — Ernst Zwiker

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The 5 Love Languages for Children - Affirmation

....Ehre, wem Ehe gebührt ! Wir alle träumen von Lob und Anerkennung für unsere Leistungen. Manchmal erhalten wir sie, manchmal nicht. Wieviel Lob braucht Ihr Kind, damit es sich angenommen und geliebt fühlt ? Worin bestehen die Schwierigkeit und Ri…

Give praise to whom praise is due! We all dream of being praised for our achievements. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. How much praise does a child need in order to feel loved and accepted? What are the risks and challenges involved in the implementation of this love language in different age groups? That’s our subject for today.

You can find out more about the first love language here:  LS1-Physical Touch

Babies understand the tone and emotional import of our utterances and gestures long before they can recognize words. Our facial expressions and behavior also produce social vibes that children learn to interpret early in life. Words of affirmation is a love language that is understood at every stage of development. Here’s an example of how this understanding might look at a later stage.

"My dad claps and cheers when I make a goal in soccer. Then he says, ‘You worked hard for that!’ He makes sure I understand that playing is more important than winning. And when I mess up, he lets me know it’s not such a big deal. ‘It happens to everybody.’ He likes it when I do my best."

The message this boy gets from his father is full of affection and encouragement, and tells him, “You are important to me.” These are seeds that will produce a rich harvest of healthy feelings of self-worth as the boy grows from childhood into manhood.

....Gerade beim Spielen kommen sich die Kinderseele und Vater- und Mutter-Seele nahe. Wenn diese sich ganz auf das Kind einstellen, dessen Gefühle versuchen zu verstehen und auszudrücken, dann hat dies einen sehr positiven Einfluss auf die Entwicklu…

Playing together is a special way for parents to knit their children’s souls to their own. When they give their children their undivided attention, trying to understand their feelings and put them into words, the children’s emotional intelligence is increased. See blog EQ and Family.

Words and Actions

Loving words alone are not as easily understood as those imbedded in a loving context. For example, you tell your child a good night story and end with, “I love you so much!” Words of praise or affirmation should always be accompanied by a corresponding, affirmative action in order to help the child understand the meaning of the words. Later, when the child has connected the words with the action, words will suffice because his or her brain will connect the words with the associated experiences of the past.

"My mother used to compliment my red hair every morning when she brushed it. That helped me develop a positive self-image."

Be careful !

....Jedes Kind hat gewisse auffallende Eigenarten, die von den Kameraden manchmal belächelt werden. Rote Haare sind und bleiben schön, wenn sie von Mutter und Vater wertgeschätzt werden.....Every child has certain unique characteristics that their s…

Every child has certain unique characteristics that their schoolmates can tease them about. Red hair is beautiful if Mommy and Daddy say so.

We should differentiate between compliments awarded for achievements and those given for regular daily duties. In either case, exaggerations should be avoided. An excess of sugarcoated compliments can cause words to lose their meaning. For children, praise must be fitting and just in order to have its intended effect. Words of praise or affirmation given without a tangible cause can easily be interpreted as flattery or deceit.

Children can get used to too much praise. If this overabundance should suddenly cease, for whatever reason, it may cause fear and a sense of personal failure to arise in some sensitive children.

Encouragement

For babies, everything that happens is new. When they take their first steps and receive encouragement, their will to learn is strengthened. Identification and imitation is probably the strongest method of learning in the first few years of life. See blog - Conditional Love. When children see their parents giving gifts to others, they learn to do the same and the positive resonance received reinforces their actions. In this way, all kinds of behaviors can be trained and managed.

The ability to give encouragement to others is largely dependent on one’s own energy level and joy in life. For this reason, it is particularly beneficial for parents to praise and encourage one another regularly. Anger is affirmation’s greatest enemy. It destroys marriages, as well as parent-child relationships.  Children react to anger automatically with contempt, and this destroys parental authority. Insults have a paralyzing effect on children. Because they believe every word you say, disproportionate feelings of guilt are produced. It is therefore extremely important to keep our emotions under control. (This will be a subject for another time.)

The Tone Makes the Music

Keeping a quiet voice in the face of great stress is an art that many parents would do well to learn. By so doing, they show their children they have the situation, the relationship and themselves under control. Children will pick up and learn that skill from their parents. See blog - EQ und Family.

When children are small, commands can work well. However, we teach them early on to add “PLEASE” to their wishes. This teaches them to respect authority. Young children accept this as natural, unless there are problems with authority. Older children, and especially teenagers, are much easier to reach with REQUESTS.

....Wenn Kinder sich zurückziehen, sich beschützen, wo es gar nicht nötig wäre, oder sie streiten oft, rebellieren schnell, dann ist das ein Warnzeichen, das wir nicht übersehen sollten. Dieses Kind braucht eine Füllung des emotionalen Liebestankes,…

When children draw back in an effort to protect themselves in situations that are not at all dangerous, or when they fight a lot and show signs of rebellion, these are warning signals that should not be ignored. These children need to have their emotional tanks filled. The best and easiest way to do that is through their favorite love languages.

For example, if we want to warn a child about drugs, we must not do it in an aggressive tone. Important values must be communicated in a way that builds confidence. Good advice is a gift, but if it is wrapped in ugly packaging, it can provoke rebellion. The child’s reaction may be the exact opposite from what you want. Education should not consist of a long list of prohibitions, but of counsel, nurture and support. If parents forbid their children to smoke, but smoke themselves, children will find it difficult to accept their authority and take them seriously.

Learning to make decisions

On the other hand, children feel respected when they are allowed to make decisions and see that their opinions count. Of course, their competence grows as they do and must be measured according to their age and maturity. When parents choose to focus more on the good in their children rather than on their misdeeds and express these thoughts in their daily communication, their children’s self-confidence and competence is strengthened. When children learn to make good decisions at an early age, this habit will accompany them into later life as well.

Example: Reto (10)

Reto’s parents noticed that he was no longer interested in anything. He seemed constantly bored and totally unmotivated. Nothing they tried could get his attention. They bought him a dog, but it didn’t help. When they went to a seminar on the five love languages, they realized they had completely neglected his love language. Although they had given him presents and hugged him a lot, he hadn’t reacted a bit. They saw that when they had spoken to him, most of their communication contained some form of reprimand. Then they began to praise him more and attach the message «You are important» to their words. They chose to speak positively.

One month later, Reto was a new boy. Hi parents were convinced that raising children was no coincidental affair, but rather a daily challenge. Children are all unique little people who are in a continuous process of change. The experiences and learning processes they are constantly passing through make them dynamic entities that parents need to learn about and adjust to every day. If Reto had been involved in internet gaming, his parents’ efforts to reach him may have come too late. That is an addiction that destroys brain power and social skills.

Good Measures

If we speak the wrong love language to our children over a long period of time, the results can be devastating. Children who experience this become frustrated and are forced to go through life with an empty or half empty love tank. Simple duties become difficult and sooner or later they will question their parents’ authority. Messages of rebuke and reprimand showered upon a child whose greatest desire is to hear words of affirmation will wreak havoc in the child’s soul.

....Als Eltern ziehen resp erziehen wir die Kinder. Wohin? Diese Frage ist wichtig. Sie sollte uns dauernd begleiten, damit wir erkennen können, was wirklich passiert. Schliesslich wollen wir das Beste für unsere Kinder, nicht wahr ?..Parents are to…

Parents are to raise, or educate their children. The word “educate” comes from the latin «educare», which means to bring up or, more precisely, to lead out. Where to? This is a very important question. It’s a question we should not easily forget. It will help us recognize what is actually happening in our children’s development. We really do want the best for them, don’t we?

However, if you decide to become competent in this love language, it would be good to direct your attention to this subject for a certain amount of time (perhaps a month). It would also be good to do it with another person for objectivity’s sake. Maybe one person is good at note taking and could keep a diary of all the observations and examples of other parents, books on education, teachers, internet, etc. These ideas could then be practiced in the mirror to learn how to best reach a child with these messages of love that would bring healing and joy to his or her hurting heart. 

Your change in attitude and behavior will not go unnoticed. Your child will realize the difference. When you make a mistake and revert to earlier habits, apologize. This will also have a positive effect. If you are persistent in your new habits, your child may even begin to reciprocate and give you some positive reinforcement. Then you’ll see you are on the right path and will be able to enjoy the fruit of your labor!

Children’s Response to the Love Languages

Regina (8) :  "My mommy tells me she loves me every day. I think my daddy loves me too, but he never says it."

Kevin (10) : He recently arrived at his fourth foster home. He believes they love him simply because "they don’t yell at me.  They treat me like a human being, even when I mess up. For some reason they like me. "

Lisa (12) : She broke her arm. Her parents encouraged her in this challenging situation, saying she would surely catch up on her school work. The assured her that they were proud of her and knew she wouldn’t give up.

....Wenn Kinder, und besonders Jugendliche krank sind, ist das eine günstige Gelegenheit, der Seele näher zu kommen. Wertschätzung und Anerkennung können überbracht werden. Diese kostbaren Momente sollten allerdings nicht die einzigen sein, sonst be…

When children and especially youth are sick, it’s a good opportunity to get closer to their hearts. Appreciation and approval can be communicated. These are precious moments indeed. However, one must be careful that these are not the only precious moments we share with our children. If so, there is a danger that the children will grow into adulthood with the idea the only way to get the attention they crave and their love tanks filled is through sickness and infirmity.

Closing Thoughts

It is generally easier for one parent or the other to adjust to the love language needs of their children. Many are not aware of the damage they cause with the tone of their voice, impatience and anger. In such cases, ask your partner to be your sounding board. Ask him or her to note such situations and tell you what you said and the reactions that were produced. This will be a humbling process, but if you can do it, it will be a sign of your dedication and sense of parental responsibility.

If you take hold of this opportunity to work on yourself, you will enjoy great blessings, which will be seen in your children and in your own sense of self-worth. Remember:

Children are like a garden. The more we plant and the more care we invest, the more abundant our harvest will be!

....Freuen wir uns an den schönen Blumen und Früchten, die unser Erziehungsgarten hervorbringt... Gute Erziehungsarbeit bringt Lebensfreude !..Let’s enjoy the beautiful flowers and fruits of our garden of education. Good work in the area of training…

Let’s enjoy the beautiful flowers and fruits of our garden of education. Good work in the area of training our children will produce much joy in life!

'Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds.

You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.'

The application to our subject is simple: Our children are our gardens. Our interactions are the seeds. Depending on the seeds we plant, our children can become healthy and mature or fruitless and useless adults. When you look at it that way, I would say any effort we invest is definitely worth it!

Dear Reader, I wish you a nice week!

Transforming Toxic Thoughts - How Does It Work?

....Unser Gehirn - wohl das Sensationellste, was wir anzubieten haben !! Wie funktioniert es ?..Our brain - probably the most sensational thing we have to offer! How does it work ?....

Our brain - probably the most sensational thing we have to offer! How does it work ?

Hope you have been able to check out the previous blogs on the subject. If not, here you are:

TOX1 (Introduction)   TOX2   (Stress)   TOX3 (Brain)

One often hears the explanation that this predisposition already exists in my family. The good news: we are not a puppet of biology! Even when we are full of toxic memories and live in such an environment, our brain can actually be changed. An incredible feat that has been dubbed 'neuroplasticity'.

They say we can change our toxic thoughts in 4 days and replace them with new ones in 3 weeks!

Thoughts can be measured, they need space, they change, grow, enlarge or shrink, and they adapt. The result is that you are represented by your thoughts! Toxic thoughts make us toxic too. Good thoughts have positive effects.

Positive and negative thoughts go through the same processes in the brain. Only the chemical substances change their structure accordingly.

....Wer gelernt hat, das Gute zu sehen und sich dafür zu entscheiden, wird bis ins hohe Alter davon profitieren können...Anyone who has learned to see the good and to choose it will be able to benefit from it well into old age.....

Anyone who has learned to see the good and to choose it will be able to benefit from it well into old age.

If we want to detoxify our thought life, then we have to send a toxic thought through a set sequence again.

What does this order look like?

1. The brain collects electrical impulses

These impulses are collected through our five senses in order to find out their meaning. At the beginning of a thought it is possible to decide between good and bad impulses. Do I accept the thought or do I reject it!

First, a thought reaches the thalamus (transmitter control center), where most of the cerebral nerves meet. It connects the brain to the body and the body to the brain.

The thought goes from the thalamus to the cerebral cortex (outer part), where it is connected with already existing thoughts. This activates our inner attitude towards thoughts. This will influence our decision. If the memory is positive, then pleasant feelings are produced.

This process is recognized by the thalamus and then passed on to the hypothalamus, the chemical plant. If it is a negative thought, then the appropriate chemicals are now being prepared. The hypothalamus is considered to be the 'brain' of the endocrine system. He controls, among other things. our thirst, hunger, body temperature and our reaction to feelings. On a worry-laden attitude, stress hormones are sent to the main gland (pituitary gland), which warns the trillion cells in our body of a threat. The body adjusts to protection. This inhibits important further developing thoughts. But once we have made the habit of not worrying, the hypothalamus will produce feelings of peace.

....Was immer man über die Funktionalität unseres Gehirns sagt, es ist immer eine Vereinfachung. Es ist hochgradig komplex und immer voller Überraschungen...Whatever you say about the functionality of our brain, it is always a simplification. It is …

Whatever you say about the functionality of our brain, it is always a simplification. It is extremely complex and always full of surprises.

What can we do at this stage?

We can choose to reject or allow the current thoughts and incoming information. In the latter case, they will sink into our mind and subconscious and form the basis of who we are as a person.

The amygdala (our joy and fear center) and the hippocampus (responsible for memory and motivation) help us make good decisions. The amygdala is the driver that wants to protect us from threats. The thalamus will warn you if necessary. In the end she gives the OK or NOK.

The amygdala also has connections to the frontal lobe, which controls our reasoning and decisions, and our analyzing and planning. This gives our developed reason the chance to have a say.

At this moment there is an opportunity to say:

"I choose NOT to think about this thing anymore."

This sends the thoughts away, or they simply disappear.

....Vielleicht neigen wir zu denken, dass viele Wege zum Glücklichsein führen. Es gibt sicher solche, die schneller und kürzer sind, dafür intensiver !..Perhaps we tend to think that there are many ways to be happy. There are certainly some that are…

Perhaps we tend to think that there are many ways to be happy. There are certainly some that are faster and shorter, but more intense!

But if we don't stop thinking about it - be it positive or negative thoughts - then all information flows to the seahorse, the hippocampus. This calculates the incoming thoughts: Are they of short or long-term importance? The latter are then often processed during sleep. Such information then reaches the long-term memory, where it is stored as matter.

2. Reflecting on thoughts

Thanks to neuroscience, we now know that we don't have to allow any thought to control us!

The information remains in the hippocampus for about 24-48 hours and is continuously processed there. The basal forebrain is also included. Change now means that the thought is either retained, reinforced, or parts or the whole thought are adapted. It is NOT possible for parts to sink back into the subconscious without having been changed. This shows our potential, but also our responsibility.

The stronger we think, the more change we can bring about.

When we say: 'I can't do that!' then that supports our inability.

When we say: "I can do that!" then the whole body aligns itself with it.

....Wir können viel mehr als wir meinen. Wo ein Wille, da ist ein Weg. Erstaunlich, oder ?..We can do a lot more than we think. Where there is a will, there is a way. Amazing, isn't it?....

We can do a lot more than we think. Where there is a will, there is a way. Amazing, isn't it?

Neuroplasticity means that through our thinking, important neurotransmitters (chemical messenger substances that transmit electrical impulses) - especially serotonin - cause changes deep inside the cell and thus also the genes (epigenetics says hello).

Research shows that mental training in terms of imagination, visualization, deep thinking and reflection, triggers the same physical change in the brain as if one had actually carried out these imagined processes in practice.

The resulting thoughts are consolidated, stabilized and accessible at any time. Nothing stands in the way of a high level of competence. This can apply in both the positive and negative directions with corresponding consequences.

Repetition and training are necessary in order for protein synthesis to consolidate, stabilize and participate in us.

....Es gibt doch tatsächlich Menschen, die gerne trainieren. Setzen sie sich etwas in den Kopf, erreichen sie es auch ! Wie läuft das bei Ihnen ?..There are actually people who like to exercise. Put something in your head and achieve it! How are you…

There are actually people who like to exercise. Put something in your head and achieve it! How are you doing?

3. Write down thoughts

As you have probably already experienced yourself, the process of writing down consolidates memory and clarity and helps you think about it further. The visualization of thoughts and feelings promotes these processes.

The basal ganglia - nerve associations that correlate with the cerebral cortex, the hippocampus, and the frontal lobe - have the important task of transforming thoughts and emotions into immediate action in thinking and LEARNING. So they help us write down the information we just understood.

The way we write them down is important.

Everyone is encouraged to create a thought journal with creative expression. Creative can mean: drawing free of straight lines, pictures or diagrams, allowing colors and structures to flow in. Create a MINDMAP, so to speak, where associative thoughts can be linked.

....Ein Mindmap erstellen macht Freude und hilft, Transparenz zu erreichen. Es wird damit leichter sein herauszufinden, wo der Hund begraben liegt...Creating a mind map is fun and helps to achieve transparency. This will make it easier to find out w…

Creating a mind map is fun and helps to achieve transparency. This will make it easier to find out where the dog is buried.

The left hemisphere is specialized in getting from the detail to the long shot, whereas the right hemisphere leads to the detail via the overall picture. Interesting.

4. Rethink thoughts

Thoughts can be transformed more easily the more consciously they are perceived.

Every time we ponder a thought and we control it with our minds, we can influence it as well. So it is in our power of free will whether we want to create new circuits and initiate a detoxification process.

What we think and feel about ourselves, what about our partner, our parents, friends and neighbors can all be examined and redefined.

We usually cannot control our circumstances, but we can determine how we react to them.

5. Implement thoughts

This last step quickly shows whether the previous steps were carried out correctly. This is because the practical steps are carried out according to the thought. Application steps. With these steps we have built a secure foundation for change, health and quality of life.

This overcoming step helps to recognize whether something is true or not. It shows whether theory and practice match. In doing so, it promotes integrity and makes us strong.

....Diese Lady freut sich scheinbar darauf, etwas Neues zu lernen, zu üben und es in die Praxis umzusetzen. Lassen wir uns doch anstecken !!..This lady is apparently looking forward to learning something new, practicing it and putting it into practi…

This lady is apparently looking forward to learning something new, practicing it and putting it into practice. Let's get infected!

he epigenetics shows, our perception shapes our biology. Our thoughts are powerful, they shape us. As Solomon said, as we think, so are we (Proverbs 23: 7).

3 activities that promote the healing process

Time of silence:

Studies show that people who pray and read the Bible every day are more likely to have positive thoughts. Spending time in nature also encourages good thoughts.

Nutrition:

Nutrients like omega-3 fatty acids, fiber and B vitamins lift our mood. They stabilize the blood sugar level and improve the functioning of neurotransmitters and nerves. Since the brain consists of up to 85% water, it consumes accordingly, which invites us to 'refill'. (at least 1.5 liters of water / day)

Move:

Physical exercise releases beta-endorphins, which create a sense of well-being in us and dispel tension and stress. It trains the will and promotes blood circulation with all the resulting benefits.

In summary

t can be said that the amygdala gives input and informs the mind (frontal lobe) about the emotions (roughly in a ratio of 9: 1, ie 9 times more often than it receives information from the frontal lobe). The thalamus and hypothalamus provide input regarding motivation. The memory networks provide information about memories that have already been stored. The central switching point mixes and combines everything. The heart also gets involved and supports the decision-making processes.

Theological Aspects

If the Bible says:

  • We are to put all our worries on Jesus (1 Pet 5: 7)

  • We are to control every thought (2 Cor. 10: 5)

  • We are to renew our senses (Rom 12: 2)

  • We should always be happy (Phil 4: 4)

  • We are to use the weapons of God, because with them all fortresses of the opponent can be overcome (2 Cor 10: 4-5)

  • We should look to HIM so that HIM influences our thoughts (2 Cor 3:18)

then it looks like that our Creator knows exactly how important all this is and that, as soon as we follow it, we live in a 'different', better world. Isn't that sensational!

And what I particularly like is that HE does not leave us alone in our endeavors, but supports us in a highly active manner, the more we get involved with HIM.

He would like to be our 'fixed star' who shows us the direction in every situation in life.

Faith, as defined in Hebrews 11:1, takes on a new depth when one knows that just thinking deeply about an action can equal the actual action. The same parts of the brain are addressed.

....Es ist ganz die Idee des christlichen Glaubens, dass wir dadurch lernen, Meister der Umstände zu werden und damit unsere Lebensqualität hoch ist. Wenn wir schon das Angebot haben, dass unser Schöpfer uns im Alltag helfen und uns glücklich sehen …

It is entirely the idea of the Christian faith that through this we learn to become masters of circumstances and so that our quality of life is high. If we already have the offer that our Creator wants to help us in everyday life and wants to see us happy and also provides everything we need, then__

__We can literally tear down toxic thought structures by deciding to make ourselves fully aware of the thought, to change it through repentance and forgiveness (protein synthesis) and to replace it with correct information according to Phil 4:8 or similar principles!

There are no harmless thoughts. Therefore we must be good stewards of our thoughts and emotions!

This is followed by two blogs where we will deal with the 10 typically toxic topics that challenge us every day.

PS. Reference book: Bible and "Who turned my brain off" by Dr. Caroline Leaf

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