The Most Important Thing in Life: Love

For many, love is a feeling. When it is present, we love, when it isn’t, we don’t. Really? Is that it? I think there is much more potential. Let’s see.

"The most important thing in life is love." Some men get nervous when they hear this sentence. But if love is defined in somewhat broader terms, it’s a bit easier for us men to digest. We can love our motorcycles, our gardens, our iPhones, our favorite desserts and, of course, our children. I can also love my job, springtime or a movie. Some people even love books! What good is all my money, the fastest car or the shiniest shoes if I can’t love and enjoy it all with my whole heart and with someone I love? 

What do you think of the following sentence: 

Success in life is when you give and receive a lot of love.

I personally believe that we as humans often have a limited understanding of love. We are much too quick to accept an inferior substitute rather than striving for true love. Imagine a world in which love is given and received on an hourly basis, every love tank is always full and every person’s life is completely in balance!

How do you define love? Is it a strong feeling of affection toward a friend or family member? Or does love always include sexual attraction?

The strongest bond known to humans is love. A couple whose hearts are bound together by love is nearly invincible. The only thing stronger is the love of a mother for her children: it surpasses every other quality found in human society.

What is Love?

Wikipedia: "Love encompasses a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, ranging from the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest pleasure. An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse differs from the love of food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment. Love can also be a virtue representing human kindness, compassion, and affection—‘the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.’ It may also describe compassionate and affectionate actions towards other humans, one's self or animals.”

The feeling of love can develop independent of reciprocation. (BLOG)

Unrequited love refers to those feelings of love that are not reciprocated and is not so satisfying.  Interpersonal love, on the other hand, refers to love between human beings and is a much more potent sentiment than a simple liking for a person. Such love might exist between family members, friends and couples.

Subject or Object-Oriented

Love can generally be understood as a strong attraction to other people, animals, possessions, hobbies or ideas. This definition also interprets love as an expression of deep appreciation.

If love is bestowed on a subject, it will be characterized by a healthy respect and noble intentions. However, if love is more object-oriented, it is more likely inclined to use the object for its own purposes and needs. An example could be the relationship between a man and his new car: his ownership boosts his status and prestige. A more tragic example could be a man who is into pornography: when a man is used to seeing women as objects to be used, he will automatically perceive and use his wife in the same way.

Free Will

True love is a voluntary relationship between two people based on their own free wills. True lovers respect each other’s personal space while encouraging and steadily moving toward each other. When it comes to raising children, it is important to develop their free wills and instill good values in them.

The more children understand the privilege and responsibility, of the freedom to make choices based on their own value system (given them by their parents), the greater a blessing they can be for society. In this way, their intrinsic motivation (BLOG) will also be developed and practiced.

Types of Love

Three terms that were used in ancient times to express different aspects of love are still known and used today:

o  EROS – a sensual, erotic love, a strong desire for intimacy with one’s beloved, a desire to be loved, passion

o  PHILIA – friendship, reciprocal love, appreciation and understanding

o  AGAPE – a selfless and supportive love, a love for one’s neighbors (and even for one’s enemies!), which has their best interests in mind

Here are a few more modern terms that help us express and differentiate between different kinds of love:

o  Self Love is generally accepted as the prerequisite for the ability to love others. The negative side of this would be selfishness, which often leads to narcissism.  (BLOG)

o  Partner Love is often expressed through the sexual act in loving, ideally in romantic, monogamous relationships. The validity of the latter specification has, however, lately come under fire.

o  Family Love is the most highly valued form of love, next to partner love. It is the love between (close) relatives (father, mother, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins). Friends can also be elevated to family status and treated with the same affection or more than one’s own family.

o  Neighbor Love, or love for one’s neighbor, is often understood as being expressed through charities for the underprivileged, but can really be stretched to include all people. The climax of love, the art of loving one’s neighbor, is found in the love for one’s enemies.

o  Object and Idea Oriented Love are areas that include love for pets and all animals, as well as nature itself with all its grandeur and intricacies. Hobbies, patriotism and one’s personal freedom can also be the object of one’s love.

o  God’s Love is in a class all by itself. It entails His love for His creation and especially for humans. This is where the components of unconditional love Bedingungslosen Liebe are most strongly expressed: indeed, this is their origin.

Many people find the fulfillment and affection they desire in loving their pets, but there is something much better.  It’s a love that heals from the inside out, that can heal every wound and worry, and can change every fear to love. It is ___

God’s Love

"God is love and he that dwells in love dwells in God and God in him." 

The message here in 1 John 4:16 is very special: The God of the Bible has always been and will always be a God of love. We can profit from that if we stay with HIM. That must mean He lets us profit from His ability to love. Have you ever experienced that? 

Just imagine a person: born in No-man’s-land. Parents divorced. Poorly educated. Now grown up, with a huge lack of love. Never really learned what love is. Then an offer is presented: Dear Person, you have the opportunity to replace your deficit with love. The closer your relationship with HIM, the more your fears will be replaced by love.

Paul writes something interesting in his letter to the Galatians. In chapter 5, verse 22, he says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and self-discipline.”

Which of these nine points do you like best? Which would you choose? The good news is that it’s an ALL-in-ONE package! So you can have ALL of these qualities WHEN / IF you live with Jesus.

Do you know anyone that demonstrates the truth of this system? Do you know anyone who has changed for the better since he or she began to work with Jesus and thus began to “eat” of this fruit?

It would be well worth making a blog for every single one of these nine points: the potential found in the Person of JESUS CHRIST is absolutely sensational!

I hope you will find something positive for your life here today. Many people go through life alone with all their burdens and unfulfilled needs, but it needn’t be so.

There is a God who loves His creatures unconditionally and wants to help them, just because they are His creation, and HE is made of pure love. This is an opportunity that no one should pass up. You can even talk to Him, however you can and are willing to do so. He will hear you and react. Don’t miss it!

God says: "Whoever comes to Me, I will not cast away. Draw near to Me, and I will draw near to you." Communication with God is something many people practice, and they receive strength and courage for challenges every day.  Thank God for that!

The 5 Love Languages for Children - Affirmation

Give praise to whom praise is due! We all dream of being praised for our achievements. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. How much praise does a child need in order to feel loved and accepted? What are the risks and challenges involved in the implementation of this love language in different age groups? That’s our subject for today.

You can find out more about the first love language here:  LS1-Physical Touch

Babies understand the tone and emotional import of our utterances and gestures long before they can recognize words. Our facial expressions and behavior also produce social vibes that children learn to interpret early in life. Words of affirmation is a love language that is understood at every stage of development. Here’s an example of how this understanding might look at a later stage.

"My dad claps and cheers when I make a goal in soccer. Then he says, ‘You worked hard for that!’ He makes sure I understand that playing is more important than winning. And when I mess up, he lets me know it’s not such a big deal. ‘It happens to everybody.’ He likes it when I do my best."

The message this boy gets from his father is full of affection and encouragement, and tells him, “You are important to me.” These are seeds that will produce a rich harvest of healthy feelings of self-worth as the boy grows from childhood into manhood.

Playing together is a special way for parents to knit their children’s souls to their own. When they give their children their undivided attention, trying to understand their feelings and put them into words, the children’s emotional intelligence is increased. See blog EQ and Family.

Words and Actions

Loving words alone are not as easily understood as those imbedded in a loving context. For example, you tell your child a good night story and end with, “I love you so much!” Words of praise or affirmation should always be accompanied by a corresponding, affirmative action in order to help the child understand the meaning of the words. Later, when the child has connected the words with the action, words will suffice because his or her brain will connect the words with the associated experiences of the past.

"My mother used to compliment my red hair every morning when she brushed it. That helped me develop a positive self-image."

Be careful !

Every child has certain unique characteristics that their schoolmates can tease them about. Red hair is beautiful if Mommy and Daddy say so.

We should differentiate between compliments awarded for achievements and those given for regular daily duties. In either case, exaggerations should be avoided. An excess of sugarcoated compliments can cause words to lose their meaning. For children, praise must be fitting and just in order to have its intended effect. Words of praise or affirmation given without a tangible cause can easily be interpreted as flattery or deceit.

Children can get used to too much praise. If this overabundance should suddenly cease, for whatever reason, it may cause fear and a sense of personal failure to arise in some sensitive children.

Encouragement

For babies, everything that happens is new. When they take their first steps and receive encouragement, their will to learn is strengthened. Identification and imitation is probably the strongest method of learning in the first few years of life. See blog - Conditional Love. When children see their parents giving gifts to others, they learn to do the same and the positive resonance received reinforces their actions. In this way, all kinds of behaviors can be trained and managed.

The ability to give encouragement to others is largely dependent on one’s own energy level and joy in life. For this reason, it is particularly beneficial for parents to praise and encourage one another regularly. Anger is affirmation’s greatest enemy. It destroys marriages, as well as parent-child relationships.  Children react to anger automatically with contempt, and this destroys parental authority. Insults have a paralyzing effect on children. Because they believe every word you say, disproportionate feelings of guilt are produced. It is therefore extremely important to keep our emotions under control. (This will be a subject for another time.)

The Tone Makes the Music

Keeping a quiet voice in the face of great stress is an art that many parents would do well to learn. By so doing, they show their children they have the situation, the relationship and themselves under control. Children will pick up and learn that skill from their parents. See blog - EQ und Family.

When children are small, commands can work well. However, we teach them early on to add “PLEASE” to their wishes. This teaches them to respect authority. Young children accept this as natural, unless there are problems with authority. Older children, and especially teenagers, are much easier to reach with REQUESTS.

When children draw back in an effort to protect themselves in situations that are not at all dangerous, or when they fight a lot and show signs of rebellion, these are warning signals that should not be ignored. These children need to have their emotional tanks filled. The best and easiest way to do that is through their favorite love languages.

For example, if we want to warn a child about drugs, we must not do it in an aggressive tone. Important values must be communicated in a way that builds confidence. Good advice is a gift, but if it is wrapped in ugly packaging, it can provoke rebellion. The child’s reaction may be the exact opposite from what you want. Education should not consist of a long list of prohibitions, but of counsel, nurture and support. If parents forbid their children to smoke, but smoke themselves, children will find it difficult to accept their authority and take them seriously.

Learning to make decisions

On the other hand, children feel respected when they are allowed to make decisions and see that their opinions count. Of course, their competence grows as they do and must be measured according to their age and maturity. When parents choose to focus more on the good in their children rather than on their misdeeds and express these thoughts in their daily communication, their children’s self-confidence and competence is strengthened. When children learn to make good decisions at an early age, this habit will accompany them into later life as well.

Example: Reto (10)

Reto’s parents noticed that he was no longer interested in anything. He seemed constantly bored and totally unmotivated. Nothing they tried could get his attention. They bought him a dog, but it didn’t help. When they went to a seminar on the five love languages, they realized they had completely neglected his love language. Although they had given him presents and hugged him a lot, he hadn’t reacted a bit. They saw that when they had spoken to him, most of their communication contained some form of reprimand. Then they began to praise him more and attach the message «You are important» to their words. They chose to speak positively.

One month later, Reto was a new boy. Hi parents were convinced that raising children was no coincidental affair, but rather a daily challenge. Children are all unique little people who are in a continuous process of change. The experiences and learning processes they are constantly passing through make them dynamic entities that parents need to learn about and adjust to every day. If Reto had been involved in internet gaming, his parents’ efforts to reach him may have come too late. That is an addiction that destroys brain power and social skills.

Good Measures

If we speak the wrong love language to our children over a long period of time, the results can be devastating. Children who experience this become frustrated and are forced to go through life with an empty or half empty love tank. Simple duties become difficult and sooner or later they will question their parents’ authority. Messages of rebuke and reprimand showered upon a child whose greatest desire is to hear words of affirmation will wreak havoc in the child’s soul.

Parents are to raise, or educate their children. The word “educate” comes from the latin «educare», which means to bring up or, more precisely, to lead out. Where to? This is a very important question. It’s a question we should not easily forget. It will help us recognize what is actually happening in our children’s development. We really do want the best for them, don’t we?

However, if you decide to become competent in this love language, it would be good to direct your attention to this subject for a certain amount of time (perhaps a month). It would also be good to do it with another person for objectivity’s sake. Maybe one person is good at note taking and could keep a diary of all the observations and examples of other parents, books on education, teachers, internet, etc. These ideas could then be practiced in the mirror to learn how to best reach a child with these messages of love that would bring healing and joy to his or her hurting heart. 

Your change in attitude and behavior will not go unnoticed. Your child will realize the difference. When you make a mistake and revert to earlier habits, apologize. This will also have a positive effect. If you are persistent in your new habits, your child may even begin to reciprocate and give you some positive reinforcement. Then you’ll see you are on the right path and will be able to enjoy the fruit of your labor!

Children’s Response to the Love Languages

Regina (8) :  "My mommy tells me she loves me every day. I think my daddy loves me too, but he never says it."

Kevin (10) : He recently arrived at his fourth foster home. He believes they love him simply because "they don’t yell at me.  They treat me like a human being, even when I mess up. For some reason they like me. "

Lisa (12) : She broke her arm. Her parents encouraged her in this challenging situation, saying she would surely catch up on her school work. The assured her that they were proud of her and knew she wouldn’t give up.

When children and especially youth are sick, it’s a good opportunity to get closer to their hearts. Appreciation and approval can be communicated. These are precious moments indeed. However, one must be careful that these are not the only precious moments we share with our children. If so, there is a danger that the children will grow into adulthood with the idea the only way to get the attention they crave and their love tanks filled is through sickness and infirmity.

Closing Thoughts

It is generally easier for one parent or the other to adjust to the love language needs of their children. Many are not aware of the damage they cause with the tone of their voice, impatience and anger. In such cases, ask your partner to be your sounding board. Ask him or her to note such situations and tell you what you said and the reactions that were produced. This will be a humbling process, but if you can do it, it will be a sign of your dedication and sense of parental responsibility.

If you take hold of this opportunity to work on yourself, you will enjoy great blessings, which will be seen in your children and in your own sense of self-worth. Remember:

Children are like a garden. The more we plant and the more care we invest, the more abundant our harvest will be!

Let’s enjoy the beautiful flowers and fruits of our garden of education. Good work in the area of training our children will produce much joy in life!

'Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds.

You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.'

The application to our subject is simple: Our children are our gardens. Our interactions are the seeds. Depending on the seeds we plant, our children can become healthy and mature or fruitless and useless adults. When you look at it that way, I would say any effort we invest is definitely worth it!

Dear Reader, I wish you a nice week!

The Five Love Languages for Parents - Overview

Parents who know how to express their love so their children understand it and actually feel loved are a privileged group indeed.

Dear Reader, if you haven’t already read last week’s blog, The Five Love Languages for Parents, I heartily recommend it before reading this one. It contains some important basic principles you will need to understand in order to get the most benefit from today’s blog. Here’s the link:  Blog 5LEhe.

How Children Love

Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell’s book, The Five Love Languages for Children, is highly recommendable.

Every Child’s “Mother Tongue” is Unique

Although our genes have a strong influence on our children, and our culture and surroundings are also significant factors, parental influence should not be underrated. Parents define their children’s ability to love, which is a deciding factor in their future happiness.

A mother’s love is the strongest influence on her children’s love languages. It may be that a mother who always loved her child suddenly hears from her adult son that he never felt loved. What went wrong? Evidently the transfer of love from mothers to children is not an automatic process. So it’s a subject worth looking into.

As a quick reminder, the five love languages are as follows:

• words of affirmation

• physical touch

• quality time

• receiving gifts

• acts of service.

Clearly, the children of parents who can “speak” all five love languages will benefit greatly. In spite of this fact, it is also important for mothers to recognize and promote the development of her children’s best, or favorite, love languages.

Few parents realize that by teaching their children self-discipline, they are binding their hearts to their own. The two key words here are

kindness  &  consistency.

Children who learn discipline are privileged. They will be a benefit to society and will themselves produce good fruit. Of course, love must be the basic motivator and, if possible, all the love languages must be practiced.

Playing games is a good way to practice self-control. Respect for rules, being considerate of one another and accepting results are all beneficial skills that can be learned. When children develop joy in achievement, that’s a good thing, but they should never learn to believe their parents’ love is a product of their achievements.

Parental Limits

Example: Kevin

Something was not quite right with Kevin. He had been a good student, but lately he had been having a hard time. He needed things to be explained several times. Something must have deflated his motivation to learn. His social behavior was also declining, and he was getting into more fights with his classmates. Interestingly enough, he always wanted to be near his teacher. What had happened?

When Kevin’s teacher spoke to his parents, she discovered some changes that had transpired in the last five months. Both Kevin’s parents had suddenly taken on more work and because of these new circumstances they had less time to spend with Kevin. Together, they decided to spend more quality time with him. In a very short time, Kevin’s love tank was full again and he was back to his old self.

Love Tank

Children can only develop positively if they feel loved and secure. That’s why it is important to communicate love to them in their own love language, and that they receive clear signals.

Although every child has a unique mix of love language needs, quality time together is somewhat of a wildcard, in that every child needs a close relationship with his or her parents. And time spent one on one with a child is the fastest sure-fire method of filling his or her love tank.

Pets can fill one’s love tank too. For many people, it’s their only option.

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is “fuel” needed to fill a child’s love tank. See blog BL-Liebe. All development and motivation to learn depends on the state of one’s love tank. If a child’s tank is always running on EMPTY, it will be seen in his or her behavior and performance. Parents have a tendency to get impatient and can even punish a child whose performance fails. This is counterproductive. The more love a child has in his or her tank, the more he or she can benefit from a well-directed punishment.

If parents don’t learn to love unconditionally, their children will not feel loved. See Blog.

The most important question a child needs to have answered every day is, “Mommy, do you love me? Daddy, do you love me?” The more this daily question receives a positive response, the more willing a child will be to be guided and trained by his or her parents. If the tank remains empty, resentment, opposition, demotivation and escapism will be the natural result.

Healthy Self-Worth

Many are thrilled to play with toddlers, but as soon as they get older and more challenging, their magical magnetism fades. It’s not their fault. Parents who can enjoy their children in every phase of life are much happier parents, and their children are also much happier.

Neither an overestimation of one’s own capabilities (I’m better than others), nor self-doubt (I’m not a good, smart or attractive) is the goal of education, but a healthy balanced self-evaluation. Children’s self-worth generally comes from their mothers. If she is healthy and mature with love in her tank, this will be seen in her children. If she is stressed, over-challenged, learning-resistant, fearful and full of feelings of inferiority, she must do everything she can to get into balance.

Children who are only loved when they perform (see BLOG B-Liebe) will begin to manipulate and try to control their parents when they reach puberty. When their will is crossed, they react with love deprivation, which is the method they learned from their parents. Their parents are shocked by their behavior, because they expect gratitude. Unfortunately, they missed their opportunity to lay an appropriate foundation.

Exemplified Love

Although most parents love their children, there are relatively few children who grow up knowing they are unconditionally loved. It is therefore extremely important for parents to understand how to convey their love to their children. It’s not enough to say, “I love you” or give them a gift now and then.

Children are not as impressed by words as by behavior. One advantage in this is, when you don’t feel like talking, a hug may be a good solution.

When fathers and mothers are equally committed to the education of their children and strive to reach worthwhile goals together, it is a very good sign that they are on the right track. One day their children will shower them with gratitude.

What is your child’s love language?

Toddlers

It is difficult to recognize a child’s love language in the first five years. One might try to guess. In this time it is important to be affectionate, praise their behavior (not their person), and give them encouragement. Spend a lot of time with them. Surprise them with small gifts or tokens of your love. Enjoy your children and express your joy openly.

When you, as a mother, observe your child, you may notice a difference in his or her reaction to your voice. One child may relax, while another may ignore his or her mother’s voice. Sometimes the very presence of a person can quiet a child, while others hardly notice. You may also notice how the negative use of a child’s favorite love language can deeply wound him or her.

Small children have to learn how to love and be loved. They try out various behaviors to find out what they like best. Just because they do something once or twice doesn’t necessarily mean they will stay with that behavior.

As we said, in the early years, all five languages must be practiced. However, once the child’s favorite love language has been discovered, parents would do well to practice “speaking” it with them.

Toddlers learn best through playing; their cognitive skills are not developed until later.  They don’t need a lot of gadgets. It’s better to have a few simple toys, high in quality. Less is more. It’s good for children to spend more time playing with fewer things.  Nature is the best place for this.

Discovering the Love Language

Your children should not know you are trying to discover their love languages. They might be tempted to exploit the situation. Gifts can destroy love, when they are used to manipulate. Here are a few tips:

1. Notice how your child expresses love to you.

2. Observe your child’s behavior with others.

3. Remember what your child asks for most often.

4. Figure out what your child complains about most.

5. Give your child some alternatives and note his or her choice.

Examples of Alternatives

5-9 Years

• "Shall I bring you a gift when I come home from my trip? Or shall I call you sometimes while I’m away?" (Gift or Quality Time)

• "Shall we play together? Or shall I repair your bicycle?" (Quality Time or Acts of Service)

10-14 Years

• "Would you like to have a new bicycle for your birthday? Or shall we take a trip together?" (Gifts or Quality Time)

• "Shall I repair your computer? Or shall we go and play soccer together?" (Acts of Service or Quality Time/Physical Contact)

Teenagers

• "Would you rather have a back massage or shall we go for a walk?" (Physical Contact or Quality Time)

• "Would you like to show me your report card? Or shall we go shopping and buy you a new pair of jeans?" (Praise or Gifts & Quality Time)

Teenagers whose love tanks are not full might ask their parents, “Mom, Dad, do you love me?" If their parents’ self-worth is low, they may fail the test and react with anger or sarcasm. This would be a negative answer to the question. When young people ask such questions, they are trying to understand love and to be loved. They need to be assured of their parents’ love in order to develop well.

Teenagers are especially challenged as they are confronted with the complexity of life. In order to make their way through all the difficulties, they need backing, a home where they feel safe and loved. It’s not always easy for parents to provide these things. In next week’s blog, we will find out more about that.

One sign of maturity is when a person is able to accept others and show them affection, using all five love languages.

We all have room to grow. Let us not put our heads in the sand and ignore our needs, but take advantage of every opportunity to develop. In our next blog, we will look at this subject in more detail.

Greetings from Ernst Zwiker