Maybe it was not possible for you to read part 1 and 2 of this ‘Truth-Series’. Here ist part 1 (LINK), and here is part 2 (LINK).
"As long as people don't like me, I can't find myself good either."
Perhaps you know the social chameleons who adapt their 'color' to the environment because they have not yet defined their own identity. They want to please everyone and are dependent on the recognition and respect of others. The longer this phase lasts, the stronger the questions become:
Who am I?
What am i really like?
How do I actually feel?
Example Karen
Since childhood, Karen has learned to please everyone. She built her self-worth on the strategy of the relationship (see BLOG). Recognition has become vital to her survival. Her grades were always good. Her parents valued her because she never caused problems. "A lovely girl," was the motto everywhere.
At the age of 22, she had the idea that over the years, trying to please everyone else might not have had such a positive impact on her. She noticed her limited eye contact and the bad feeling when someone annoyed with her. Then she feels that she has to do everything so that this criticizing person would see her again in a positive light.
Karen wanted to join an association from which her parents had decidedly distanced themselves. This stole Karen's sleep. Her tendencies towards perfectionism (see BLOG) also bothered her. Karen chose to get counseling so she could get out of this downward spiral.
Finding your own way, making decisions yourself and taking responsibility for it, striving for general independence as sensibly as possible, all this makes us more mature and able to enter into real and deep relationships that are built on positive values.
The dangers behind it
With this lie - everyone must like me - your own well-being is placed in the hands of other people; maybe in trustworthy, but maybe not. Relatives and friends can take advantage of this ‘power’ and manipulate the ‘victim’ that requires recognition. Instead of taking care of themselves, they cannot help serving other needs. Over time, this leads to growing inner anger.
Some mothers can support this lie and require their child to be responsive to their needs. Then the child - now perhaps married and with children - has to call at least three times a week and be present at her home at every party, even though he lives hundreds of kilometers away. If the child did not do this, they would make it hear that it was a bad child.
Recognize emotional attachments
Once we have recognized these emotional ties, we can decide:
Should I do what I think is right, although I have to expect others not to like it? Or
Should I try to please the others by doing what they want and thereby ignoring my conviction?
This creates a tug between guilt (living your own conviction and thus ignoring others) and anger (doing only what others want and neglecting yourself).
You know the saying:
"We can't please everyone!"
Right? The more demanding the social environment, the more lost we are if we really want something. If we are surrounded by mature people, the surprise is that they can respond sensitively to a ‘NO’.
“No thanks, that doesn't suit me. Maybe another time. Nice offer anyway. See you. Bye Bye."
What is real love here?
When I am addicted, do I love the others by always fulfilling their wishes in order to get recognition? Can I love others if I haven't found my self-value yet, maybe even hate myself? Don't I have to learn to accept my strengths and weaknesses first? After done this, couldn't I meet other people's needs better? Wouldn't it be important to think about my self-worth (see BLOG) and develop it properly before I simply give up my identity and only pursue other opinions?
"We can't please everyone!"
Repeat this true statement as often as you are trying to learn to take your own needs seriously. Because everyone else will have a profit later. Because then, as a mature personality, you have become a social added value.
There is nothing more important than real love and deep friendship. However, this requires two mature personalities, as independent and free as possible for a joint adventure trip. The more independent, the more can be given into a partnership. The more dependent, the more energy and strength is deducted.
Let us remember:
Those who love themselves and have accepted themselves can also love others.
see BLOG
