From Friendship to Marriage I

Love is something fascinating. It exceeds all our imaginations. Loving and being loved is man's highest quality of life.

Dating - the Challenge

Are you maybe also tired of the dating game? Did you just get out of a bad relationship? Are you looking for something better now? What are your criterias for dating? Did you ever reflect on the strategy on how to find the best partner for life?

Normal dating is usually based on self-fulfillment. Many times it shows a persons own deficits. The bigger the deficits - the stronger the need for compensation through ‘falling in love’.

We often forget that the gift of singleness gives us time to grow as individuals. So we should take full advantage of this important time, shouldn’t we?

In this blog we want to think about, how our creator designed our world for relationships and marriage.

Why shop if you’re not gonna buy? => Why date if you can’t marry yet?

You propably know a lot of relationships in the state of dating, right? Do you also think that many times it looks like a game? Can you see a lot of stressful, agonizing and painful moments? Does it happen that sometimes being with groups and normals friendships is much more fun than a one-on-one relationship? Why is this often the case?

Some also get stressed or even discouraged by the fact that they don’t have someone to get dressed up for and daydream about.

Young believers can often understand that it is not God’s timing right now to have a relationship and being distracted from work and the purpose the Lord has designed for them. Whoever is interested in Bible knowledge and truth can also find advice concerning this important topic !!

If you belong to one of these following groups this blog is designed for you:

• You just got out of a bad relationship, and don’t want to be hurt again. Better NOT dating.

• Since you never felt comfortable with dating you look for alternatives

• You’re in a dating relationship that you realize is heading in the worng direction. You are interested in finding ways to keep the relationship within God’s boundaries.

• Maybe you are in a blessed dating relationship, and you’re curious why anyone would choose not to date.

It is a great blessing to develop a partnership where maturing teamwork is lived. Problems are there to be solved and want to be solved by both without living egoisticly and showing deficient backgrounds. Wonderful!

What is SMART LOVE ?

Do you realize that every time you have a dating relationship you give something of your heart to your partner that you won’t be able to take back anymore? The more relationships you had the higher the risk that your love-quality will be less. How many times have you given away your heart in shortterm relationships?

Many teenagers consider dating as an essential part of a normal good life. Dating becomes a game, a chance to play at love and experiment with relationships. Especially if they experiment with physically intimacy soon it shows that this has nothing to do with real love and affection. It’s just lust, as it is seen in many movies or in the schools, where dating is ‘in’.

In many cases the stronger the fears in a person the stronger the need for compensation to falling into a ’love’ mood. Going into a relationship without real love ends mostly in being dumped or doing dumping. And nobody really likes that, right?

I am sorry to say that most high school relationships are premature, too much, too soon. Many play with physical contact which makes them loose a center part of their heart that should be designed for their real marriage partner.

Paul writes about the real love in Philippians 1:9-10 the following:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.

Or in paraphrasing words:

Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head (frontal lob-LINK) and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush!

Smart love constantly grows and deepens in its practical knowledge and insight. It also opens our eyes to see God’s best for our lives, enabling us to be pure and blameless in His sight.

What about this:

We must realize that we have no business asking for a girls’/boys’ heart and affections if we are not ready to back up our request with a lifelong commitment !! Until we can do that, we would only be using that partner to meet our shortterm needs, not seeking to bless her/him for the long term.

By avoiding romance before God tells us we would be ready for it, we can better serve girls/boys as a good friend. That way we can remain free to keep our focus on the Lord. THIS IS SMART LOVE in action !

This love also makes us evaluate all parts of our dating relationship to make sure we don’t go too far, allowing ourselves to get pulled into something we should avoid. It looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at the big picture: SERVING OTHERS AND GLORIFYING GOD.

In most relationships, the goal of starting a family with children is also part of it. This brings some changes into the relationship: the husband's name is suddenly ‘Papa’ and he no longer carries the number 1 but has become number 2, since the wife has become a mother and will do everything possible to take care of her child day and night.

Knowing What is Best

Waiting until I’m ready for commitment before pursuing romance is just one example of smart love in action. When our love grows in knowledge we can more readily ‘discern what is best’ for our lives.

Here a challenging situation: A friend at school asks you out. How do you seek guidance about what kind of person you can go out with? Maybe you have gone out on a few dates with someone, and ouy just kissed for the first time. It was exciting and you felt as if your’re in love. But is this real love?

“What about my needs?” you may be asking. ATTENTION: When we make God’s glory and other people’s needs our priority, we position ourselves to receive God’s best in our lives as well.

SMART LOVE unlocks GOD’s best for our lives !!!

When we make our main priority in relationships pleasing God and blessing others, we will find true peace and joy. Why not treat girls or boys as potential sisters and brothers in Christ. That way we will discover the richness of true friendship. That way peace and power will come out of purity. By kissing dating good-bye because we have found out that God has something better in store, we will move in a much better quality of life.

Some thoughts from the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” from Joshua Harris

To be continued

The 4 Temperaments in Marriage - Exciting

All the stops are pulled when it comes to choosing a partner. Much happens unconsciously. It is not always wise. Getting married is something great that needs to be well prepared and considered. To what extent do we fit together, to what extent are challenges to be expected. Important questions to ask yourself.

Six blogs on this topic have already appeared. Here are the links:
4T-Overview   4T-Sanguin   4T-Melancholic   4T-Phlegmatic   4T-Choleric   4T-Family

General

Probably one or the other reader recognized himself in one or more of the four types. You noticed: I don't really fit in with any of these guys. Right ? How come

The solidified properties appear again and again. But it can happen that a melancholic can laugh heartily, a phlegmatic is fluffy, a choleric is lazy and a sanguine has not forgotten something. But such behavior is rarely observed. In addition, the quirks have been formulated strongly in these blogs. But they also occur in stages.

The 'pure' temperaments are rather rare. We are mostly mixed types, some is from the mother, one from the father, etc.

Our body speaks !

Interestingly, temperament can also reveal its influence on the body. The melancholic and choleric consume a lot of energy and tend to stay thin, while the connoisseurs sanguine and phlegmatic tend to attract attention with their excess weight.

The right choice of words

Since we all have certain proportions of each temperament, we shouldn't really speak of 'types'. When we see someone act sanguine, they are not necessarily sanguine. So we should be careful with: "This is a." it is better to say or think: "He's just acting like one."

Understand and respect

When we understand and respect the differences in temperaments, it takes the social pressure off our interpersonal relationships. We can enjoy the peculiarities better and better and react positively to them. And when we promote strengths and help minimize weaknesses, then we are doing something valuable.

The choice of partner shouldn't just be pure romance. This choice is a grave, one-off choice if it is to be approached responsibly. To find the best match, the first thing to do is to know yourself well. Sorry, that sounds a bit old-fashioned, but it works.

• Selecting Your Spouse

  For most of them, it is difficult to explain why they married this or that person. Things only become clearer in retrospect. Maybe it was the mother or father system that you married. Or maybe it was a match for temperament.
  
  Terri and I took the temperament test after 2 years of marriage. That totally opened our eyes to us. We realized why we often react in one way and not in another. It took some of the stress out of the relationship. We started to enjoy each other even better.
  
  Over the years I have noticed the following:

• Melancholic tendencies are drawn to happy sanguine people

• Phlegmatics with a tendency to feel comfortable with active cholerics.

• It is rare to find two melancholic tendencies together. Especially not two phlegmatic people, because someone has to wash the dishes. You hardly ever meet two sanguine people either, since you need a listener and you can't both speak at the same time.

• The balance in a marriage is created in that the weaker temperament part adapts to the marital needs and thus a balance is created. A married couple, for example, needs to have some finances under control. If there is no melancholy talent who can handle details well, then the one who is most suitable for it or who cannot say no to it does it. This also develops this gift in this marriage; it can even become a strength.

  Opposites Attract Each Other

• The always-happy is amazed at the thoughtful. When he then hears his words and realizes how intelligent they are, then that fascinates him.

• When the slow thinker sees how quickly the other can make decisions, and good ones at that, it is fascinating.

• When the introvert notices how the extroverts simply step into life positively and trustingly, then that attracts.

• If the connoisseur sees someone making beautiful music, he notices it.

• When the silent observer and analyst hears someone tell exciting stories, it is impressive.

• When one nervous person sees the other approaching life's challenges with total serenity, it makes a good impression.

• . That has a good influence on the choice of partner.

The tension between being like-minded and being complementary is challenging. Same hobbies, same worldview, same culture, same belief, same strengths and weaknesses. ??? How good is that?

Similarities are important

In the dating agency business, it has been noticed that not only opposites, but also similarities are important. A life should be lived together. For this it is necessary to recognize the 'system', the 'program', the 'potential' of the partner. How does he / she work? How not ? On what premises was his life programmed? How did the parental home work? Recognizing and understanding values ​​and convictions and largely being able to say yes to them seems important to me. That gives a strong foundation and creates potential for a happy future.

Understanding Your Spouse

Understanding requires knowledge

Those who know their strengths and weaknesses can orientate themselves accordingly. Anyone who knows this from their partner can do the same. Even if knowing the temperament tendencies does not finally answer the questions about why, this knowledge is sufficient to continue constructively with the relationship.
Ignorance does not protect against errors. To be wise, you need knowledge that, when placed in a reasonable context, contributes to mutual understanding and thus promotes satisfaction, gratitude and feelings of happiness.

Yes, she is the queen of hearts, he is the king of hearts! Do you like this 'game'? The rules of love are known, you play with transparent cards and then the surprise: Both are the winners! A game together !!

Duet instead of duel

If we know the inner connections and regularities, then a duet is much more likely. There are couples who are completely focused on a duel. What a pity. In doing so, they are giving away a chance to make something mature and wise out of their own and that of the other.

Openness and honesty make love grow. Likewise, mutual respect and not wanting to hurt are an important basis for being happy. "If you are giving and you feel hurt, then maybe you are giving to take." It says:

"If we weren't so self-centered, most problems could be solved in five minutes." EW119

Especially when children come, the maturity of the ability to love pays off twice, three times. Doing your homework here rewards the youngsters and their offspring and __

The following Bible verse appealed to me very much:

"He who loves his wife loves himself." Eph 5:28.

This verse made me think a lot. So if I'm at peace with myself, then I tend to be in the plus area with my wife too. But when I duel it means that I have a problem with myself. That realization hit me. Then I tried to see if that was true. Indeed, every time I've been impatient with Terri, I've recognized my own deficits that, once resolved, instantly changed my attitude towards Terri. Try it too. The verse also applies to women.

Summary

Our handling of our temperaments is not only a gift but also a task. If you want to make something of your life, you don't just let yourself be pushed through life, but take the initiative to advance, to mature, to grow up. While many avoid this maturation process, perhaps out of fear or convenience, there are still some who have come to realize the value of their lives. It's a gift, and with God's help, something wonderful can be made of it. I wish you that from the bottom of my heart.

This concludes this subject of temperaments. I hope you could benefit from it. Kind regards from Ebnat-Kappel, Switzerland.