Our differences can often cause difficulties. Sometimes we get ourselves into stalemate situations with no solutions in view. What is important to remember in such cases? That’s our subject in this blog.
You are invited to also read Part1 , Part2 , Part3 , Part4 and Part5
Dear Reader, today’s blog is one in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!
The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.
We’re Just Different
Examples
Francisca is into relationships. Her favorite thing is to spend a whole weekend with friends, but her husband, Rolf, who loves (and needs) peace and quiet and being alone, avoids those social events whenever possible.
After giving birth to her first child, Selina started thinking seriously about God and His role as Creator. However, because of bad experiences in his past, her husband, Kurt, wants nothing to do with such thoughts.
Stephanie loves order. In fact, she needs it to feel good. Her boyfriend, Sven, doesn’t care much about it. He actually gets upset when he doesn’t find his newspaper where he left it.
“Opposites Attract”
You may have heard this saying. Is it true? In my experience, I have found it very often to be the case. Most couples are fascinated by the fact that the strengths and weaknesses of their partners are complementary to their own. It’s completely logical to be attracted to a person who is strong in an area where we recognize our limits.
However, it is these differences that often end up leading to differences of opinion, arguments and conflict. For some tips on how to handle conflict, please have a look at our previous blogs dealing with that subject.
The goal is to find a way to work through differences in a positive way so the relationship is not damaged, but is rather able to mature.
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In the beginning of a relationship, uncomfortable contrasts are not so easily detected. However, the longer a couple is together and the better they get to know each other, the more clearly these differences become. For example, they may notice who always has to be right!
How does a stalemate evolve?
On the one hand, as we have mentioned, it is our diversity that is responsible. Behind these differences, however, there are causes or drivers that have suddenly become more important than before. If we can identify our motives, it will be much easier to master critical situations. In order to do that, we must be willing to look deeper.
Our motives, wishes and dreams are often anchored deep in our personality.
Rolf needs solitude in order to recuperate from stress. He is an HSP (BLOG) and gets stressed when too much fun and socializing is going on. Francisca however, being a sanguine (BLOG), feels completely at home and actually flourishes in that party atmosphere. The social interaction gives her joy and affirmation.
After growing up in a house full of strife, Selina has finally found peace. The peace she has found in God has given her a new and better quality of life; Kurt has learned to base his self-worth on achievement (BLOG) and critical thinking is part of that package.
Stephanie grew up in a chaotic home and experienced the joy of having things in order when she could be in charge of her own home. She doesn’t want her children to have to grow up the way she did. Sven loves spontaneity more than self-discipline, which he actually never really liked at all.
Happy Couples Care for Each Other
Couples who care for one another understand the value of moving toward each other rather than away and as they do so, they listen to their partner’s desires and needs and accommodate them as far as possible. They also recognize the importance of guarding each other’s individuality as well as their common goals as a couple. Everyone has priorities which must not be sacrificed for the sake of someone else’s dream or wish.
Commonalities and Individualities
These common goals, whether it be raising the children, living faith or working on specific projects, should be respected as boundaries that limit the amount of adjustments that should be made. Respect and consideration are important prerequisites for a happy relationship. After all, we want to be a team that sticks together through thick and thin.
Nevertheless, it is advisable to be aware of unfulfilled needs and try to ascertain their underlying causes. Such causes can sometimes be “buried” in a person’s childhood. When this is the case, the problem will continue to arise at regular intervals, perhaps in different forms. Getting help from a professional is often very beneficial because the process of finding the deeper lying motive can go quicker and the wounds can begin to heal faster.
We all need help. But how and where do we get it? Drugs? Addictions? Entertainment? Escaping into a fantasy world? These are not real solutions. Sometimes people can be helpful.
Should you find yourself in a stand-off with your loved one, in which you cannot find a common denominator, here are Gottman’s five steps:
5 Steps to Solving a Standoff
1. Be aware of dreams and desires
o Think about your common dreams and what matters to you both. How about a little tête-à-tête date in a loving atmosphere to talk things through?
2. Analyze the situation, together or alone
o If a conflict has arisen, it’s always best to wait until you’ve calmed down. Then try to find out what causes are behind the issue.
o I –messages are a good way to communicate with your partner. Gottman says recognition and respect for one another’s personal needs and hopes constitute important keys for the protection and enrichment of a marriage.
3. Calm yourself and your partner
o Practice what you have learned about dealing with stress. A healthy lifestyle (BLOG) can help you remain calm and find positive words for your partner.
o If this step seems very difficult, choose a friend or mentor to help you reach your goal.
4. Strive for unity
o End your stalemate by looking for a suitable solution for both parties. It may be a compromise, or even better, a consensus, with which both partners can be satisfied.
o Make a date for a future discussion of the subject, at which time both can share their feelings about the decision made in this step. Adjustments may be needed.
5. Show gratitude
o There are probably good reasons to say “Thank you.” Maybe your partner has taken steps outside his or her comfort zone. Perhaps you have too.
o Maybe you can see that you have made good progress in developing your relationship. That would be worth saying something positive, right?
o If you are a believer and have given God permission to support you in this process, He would certainly also like to receive a sign of gratitude.
Being thankful, even when you don’t feel like it, is an art. When we look for reasons to be grateful, we can always find something. A thankful heart is a happy heart.