Gegensätze — Blog — Ernst Zwiker

Gegensätze

Keeping Love Alive - 6 - Managing Standoffs

....Unsere Verschiedenheit kann uns öfters mal in schwierige Momente bringen. Es kann eine Pattsituation entstehen, wo man nicht mehr weiter weiss. Was gilt es sich in diesem Zusammenhang zu merken ? Das ist das Thema dieses Blogs...Our differences …

Our differences can often cause difficulties. Sometimes we get ourselves into stalemate situations with no solutions in view. What is important to remember in such cases? That’s our subject in this blog.


You are invited to also read Part1 , Part2 , Part3 , Part4 and Part5

Dear Reader, today’s blog is one in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!

The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.

We’re Just Different

Examples

  1. Francisca is into relationships. Her favorite thing is to spend a whole weekend with friends, but her husband, Rolf, who loves (and needs) peace and quiet and being alone, avoids those social events whenever possible.

  2. After giving birth to her first child, Selina started thinking seriously about God and His role as Creator. However, because of bad experiences in his past, her husband, Kurt, wants nothing to do with such thoughts.

  3. Stephanie loves order. In fact, she needs it to feel good. Her boyfriend, Sven, doesn’t care much about it. He actually gets upset when he doesn’t find his newspaper where he left it.

“Opposites Attract”

You may have heard this saying. Is it true? In my experience, I have found it very often to be the case. Most couples are fascinated by the fact that the strengths and weaknesses of their partners are complementary to their own. It’s completely logical to be attracted to a person who is strong in an area where we recognize our limits.

However, it is these differences that often end up leading to differences of opinion, arguments and conflict. For some tips on how to handle conflict, please have a look at our previous blogs dealing with that subject.

The goal is to find a way to work through differences in a positive way so the relationship is not damaged, but is rather able to mature.

….

....Anfangs merkt man die unangenehmen Unterschiede nicht so leicht. Aber je länger man sich kennt, desto klarer wird, wer zB immer Recht haben muss!!..In the beginning of a relationship, uncomfortable contrasts are not so easily detected. However, …

In the beginning of a relationship, uncomfortable contrasts are not so easily detected. However, the longer a couple is together and the better they get to know each other, the more clearly these differences become. For example, they may notice who always has to be right!

How does a stalemate evolve?

On the one hand, as we have mentioned, it is our diversity that is responsible.  Behind these differences, however, there are causes or drivers that have suddenly become more important than before. If we can identify our motives, it will be much easier to master critical situations. In order to do that, we must be willing to look deeper.

Our motives, wishes and dreams are often anchored deep in our personality.

  1. Rolf needs solitude in order to recuperate from stress. He is an HSP (BLOG) and gets stressed when too much fun and socializing is going on. Francisca however, being a sanguine (BLOG), feels completely at home and actually flourishes in that party atmosphere. The social interaction gives her joy and affirmation.

  2. After growing up in a house full of strife, Selina has finally found peace. The peace she has found in God has given her a new and better quality of life; Kurt has learned to base his self-worth on achievement (BLOG) and critical thinking is part of that package.

  3. Stephanie grew up in a chaotic home and experienced the joy of having things in order when she could be in charge of her own home. She doesn’t want her children to have to grow up the way she did. Sven loves spontaneity more than self-discipline, which he actually never really liked at all.

Happy Couples Care for Each Other

Couples who care for one another understand the value of moving toward each other rather than away and as they do so, they listen to their partner’s desires and needs and accommodate them as far as possible. They also recognize the importance of guarding each other’s individuality as well as their common goals as a couple. Everyone has priorities which must not be sacrificed for the sake of someone else’s dream or wish.

Commonalities and Individualities

These common goals, whether it be raising the children, living faith or working on specific projects, should be respected as boundaries that limit the amount of adjustments that should be made. Respect and consideration are important prerequisites for a happy relationship. After all, we want to be a team that sticks together through thick and thin.

Nevertheless, it is advisable to be aware of unfulfilled needs and try to ascertain their underlying causes. Such causes can sometimes be “buried” in a person’s childhood. When this is the case, the problem will continue to arise at regular intervals, perhaps in different forms. Getting help from a professional is often very beneficial because the process of finding the deeper lying motive can go quicker and the wounds can begin to heal faster.

....Wir alle brauchen Hilfe. Aber wie und wo holen wir sie? Bei Menschen oder in Ablenkung, Ersatzhandlungen, Flucht in Scheinwelten ? Das sollte nicht sein. Es gibt noch hilfsbereite Menschen...We all need help. But how and where do we get it? Drug…

We all need help. But how and where do we get it? Drugs? Addictions? Entertainment? Escaping into a fantasy world? These are not real solutions. Sometimes people can be helpful.

Should you find yourself in a stand-off with your loved one, in which you cannot find a common denominator, here are Gottman’s five steps:

5 Steps to Solving a Standoff

1.    Be aware of dreams and desires

o   Think about your common dreams and what matters to you both. How about a little tête-à-tête date in a loving atmosphere to talk things through?

2.    Analyze the situation, together or alone

o   If a conflict has arisen, it’s always best to wait until you’ve calmed down. Then try to find out what causes are behind the issue.

o   I –messages are a good way to communicate with your partner. Gottman says recognition and respect for one another’s personal needs and hopes constitute important keys for the protection and enrichment of a marriage.

3.    Calm yourself and your partner

o   Practice what you have learned about dealing with stress. A healthy lifestyle (BLOG) can help you remain calm and find positive words for your partner.

o   If this step seems very difficult, choose a friend or mentor to help you reach your goal.

4.    Strive for unity

o   End your stalemate by looking for a suitable solution for both parties. It may be a compromise, or even better, a consensus, with which both partners can be satisfied.

o   Make a date for a future discussion of the subject, at which time both can share their feelings about the decision made in this step. Adjustments may be needed.

5.    Show gratitude

o   There are probably good reasons to say “Thank you.” Maybe your partner has taken steps outside his or her comfort zone. Perhaps you have too.

o   Maybe you can see that you have made good progress in developing your relationship. That would be worth saying something positive, right?

o   If you are a believer and have given God permission to support you in this process, He would certainly also like to receive a sign of gratitude.

....Dankbar sein, auch wenn einem dazu nicht zumute ist, das ist eine Kunst. Wenn wir nach Ursachen zur Dankbarkeit suchen, finden wir immer gute Gründe. Ein dankbares Herz hat mehr vom Leben...Being thankful, even when you don’t feel like it, is an…

Being thankful, even when you don’t feel like it, is an art. When we look for reasons to be grateful, we can always find something. A thankful heart is a happy heart.

I wonder when the next challenge will present itself. In any case, if you follow this advice, you can work out a common strategy that will help your relationship come out on top the next time strife threatens to destroy your peace.

The 4 Temperaments in Marriage - Exciting

....Da werden alle Register gezogen, wenn es um die Partnerwahl geht. Vieles läuft unbewusst ab. Das ist nicht immer weise. Eine Eheschliessung ist etwas Grossartiges, das gut vorbereitet und überdacht sein soll. Wieweit passen wir zusammen, wieweit…

All the stops are pulled when it comes to choosing a partner. Much happens unconsciously. It is not always wise. Getting married is something great that needs to be well prepared and considered. To what extent do we fit together, to what extent are challenges to be expected. Important questions to ask yourself.

Six blogs on this topic have already appeared. Here are the links:
4T-Overview   4T-Sanguin   4T-Melancholic   4T-Phlegmatic   4T-Choleric   4T-Family

General

Probably one or the other reader recognized himself in one or more of the four types. You noticed: I don't really fit in with any of these guys. Right ? How come

The solidified properties appear again and again. But it can happen that a melancholic can laugh heartily, a phlegmatic is fluffy, a choleric is lazy and a sanguine has not forgotten something. But such behavior is rarely observed. In addition, the quirks have been formulated strongly in these blogs. But they also occur in stages.

The 'pure' temperaments are rather rare. We are mostly mixed types, some is from the mother, one from the father, etc.

....  Unser Körper hat seine Sprache ! ..Our body speaks ! ....

Our body speaks !

Interestingly, temperament can also reveal its influence on the body. The melancholic and choleric consume a lot of energy and tend to stay thin, while the connoisseurs sanguine and phlegmatic tend to attract attention with their excess weight.

The right choice of words

Since we all have certain proportions of each temperament, we shouldn't really speak of 'types'. When we see someone act sanguine, they are not necessarily sanguine. So we should be careful with: "This is a." it is better to say or think: "He's just acting like one."

Understand and respect

When we understand and respect the differences in temperaments, it takes the social pressure off our interpersonal relationships. We can enjoy the peculiarities better and better and react positively to them. And when we promote strengths and help minimize weaknesses, then we are doing something valuable.

....Die Partnerwahl sollte nicht einfach nur Romantik pur sein. Diese Wahl ist, wenn man es verantwortungsvoll angehen will, eine schwerwiegende, einmalige Wahl. Um den besten Match herauszufinden, muss man als erstes sich selber gut kennen. Tut mir…

The choice of partner shouldn't just be pure romance. This choice is a grave, one-off choice if it is to be approached responsibly. To find the best match, the first thing to do is to know yourself well. Sorry, that sounds a bit old-fashioned, but it works.

  • Selecting Your Spouse

    For most of them, it is difficult to explain why they married this or that person. Things only become clearer in retrospect. Maybe it was the mother or father system that you married. Or maybe it was a match for temperament.

    Terri and I took the temperament test after 2 years of marriage. That totally opened our eyes to us. We realized why we often react in one way and not in another. It took some of the stress out of the relationship. We started to enjoy each other even better.

    Over the years I have noticed the following:

  • Melancholic tendencies are drawn to happy sanguine people

  • Phlegmatics with a tendency to feel comfortable with active cholerics.

  • It is rare to find two melancholic tendencies together. Especially not two phlegmatic people, because someone has to wash the dishes. You hardly ever meet two sanguine people either, since you need a listener and you can't both speak at the same time.

  • The balance in a marriage is created in that the weaker temperament part adapts to the marital needs and thus a balance is created. A married couple, for example, needs to have some finances under control. If there is no melancholy talent who can handle details well, then the one who is most suitable for it or who cannot say no to it does it. This also develops this gift in this marriage; it can even become a strength.

    Opposites Attract Each Other

  • The always-happy is amazed at the thoughtful. When he then hears his words and realizes how intelligent they are, then that fascinates him.

  • When the slow thinker sees how quickly the other can make decisions, and good ones at that, it is fascinating.

  • When the introvert notices how the extroverts simply step into life positively and trustingly, then that attracts.

  • If the connoisseur sees someone making beautiful music, he notices it.

  • When the silent observer and analyst hears someone tell exciting stories, it is impressive.

  • When one nervous person sees the other approaching life's challenges with total serenity, it makes a good impression.

  • . That has a good influence on the choice of partner.

....Das Spannungsfeld zwischen Gleichgesinntsein und Ergänzung ist herausfordernd. Gleiche Hobbies, gleiche Weltanschauung, gleiche Kultur, gleicher Glaube, gleiche Stärken und Schwächen. ??? Wieweit ist das gut ?..The tension between being like-min…

The tension between being like-minded and being complementary is challenging. Same hobbies, same worldview, same culture, same belief, same strengths and weaknesses. ??? How good is that?

Similarities are important

In the dating agency business, it has been noticed that not only opposites, but also similarities are important. A life should be lived together. For this it is necessary to recognize the 'system', the 'program', the 'potential' of the partner. How does he / she work? How not ? On what premises was his life programmed? How did the parental home work? Recognizing and understanding values ​​and convictions and largely being able to say yes to them seems important to me. That gives a strong foundation and creates potential for a happy future.

Understanding Your Spouse

Understanding requires knowledge

Those who know their strengths and weaknesses can orientate themselves accordingly. Anyone who knows this from their partner can do the same. Even if knowing the temperament tendencies does not finally answer the questions about why, this knowledge is sufficient to continue constructively with the relationship.
Ignorance does not protect against errors. To be wise, you need knowledge that, when placed in a reasonable context, contributes to mutual understanding and thus promotes satisfaction, gratitude and feelings of happiness.

....Ja, Sie ist die Herz-Dame, er der Herz-König ! Gefällt Ihnen dieses 'Spiel' ? Die Liebes-Regeln sind bekannt, man spielt mit transparenten Karten und dann die Überraschung: Beide sind die Gewinner !! Ein Miteinander-Spiel !!..Yes, she is the que…

Yes, she is the queen of hearts, he is the king of hearts! Do you like this 'game'? The rules of love are known, you play with transparent cards and then the surprise: Both are the winners! A game together !!

Duet instead of duel

If we know the inner connections and regularities, then a duet is much more likely. There are couples who are completely focused on a duel. What a pity. In doing so, they are giving away a chance to make something mature and wise out of their own and that of the other.

Openness and honesty make love grow. Likewise, mutual respect and not wanting to hurt are an important basis for being happy. "If you are giving and you feel hurt, then maybe you are giving to take." It says:

"If we weren't so self-centered, most problems could be solved in five minutes." EW119

....Besonders wenn Kinder kommen, dann 'zahlt' sich die Reife der Liebesfähigkeit doppelt, dreifach aus. Hier die Hausaufgaben zu machen, das belohnt den Nachwuchs und dessen Nachwuchs und __..Especially when children come, the maturity of the abili…

Especially when children come, the maturity of the ability to love pays off twice, three times. Doing your homework here rewards the youngsters and their offspring and __

The following Bible verse appealed to me very much:

"He who loves his wife loves himself." Eph 5:28.

This verse made me think a lot. So if I'm at peace with myself, then I tend to be in the plus area with my wife too. But when I duel it means that I have a problem with myself. That realization hit me. Then I tried to see if that was true. Indeed, every time I've been impatient with Terri, I've recognized my own deficits that, once resolved, instantly changed my attitude towards Terri. Try it too. The verse also applies to women.

Summary

Our handling of our temperaments is not only a gift but also a task. If you want to make something of your life, you don't just let yourself be pushed through life, but take the initiative to advance, to mature, to grow up. While many avoid this maturation process, perhaps out of fear or convenience, there are still some who have come to realize the value of their lives. It's a gift, and with God's help, something wonderful can be made of it. I wish you that from the bottom of my heart.

This concludes this subject of temperaments. I hope you could benefit from it. Kind regards from Ebnat-Kappel, Switzerland.

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