Keeping Love Alive - 6 - Managing Standoffs

Our differences can often cause difficulties. Sometimes we get ourselves into stalemate situations with no solutions in view. What is important to remember in such cases? That’s our subject in this blog.

You are invited to also read Part1 , Part2 , Part3 , Part4 and Part5

Dear Reader, today’s blog is one in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!

The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.

We’re Just Different

Examples

1. Francisca is into relationships. Her favorite thing is to spend a whole weekend with friends, but her husband, Rolf, who loves (and needs) peace and quiet and being alone, avoids those social events whenever possible.

2. After giving birth to her first child, Selina started thinking seriously about God and His role as Creator. However, because of bad experiences in his past, her husband, Kurt, wants nothing to do with such thoughts.

3. Stephanie loves order. In fact, she needs it to feel good. Her boyfriend, Sven, doesn’t care much about it. He actually gets upset when he doesn’t find his newspaper where he left it.

“Opposites Attract”

You may have heard this saying. Is it true? In my experience, I have found it very often to be the case. Most couples are fascinated by the fact that the strengths and weaknesses of their partners are complementary to their own. It’s completely logical to be attracted to a person who is strong in an area where we recognize our limits.

However, it is these differences that often end up leading to differences of opinion, arguments and conflict. For some tips on how to handle conflict, please have a look at our previous blogs dealing with that subject.

The goal is to find a way to work through differences in a positive way so the relationship is not damaged, but is rather able to mature.

….

In the beginning of a relationship, uncomfortable contrasts are not so easily detected. However, the longer a couple is together and the better they get to know each other, the more clearly these differences become. For example, they may notice who always has to be right!

How does a stalemate evolve?

On the one hand, as we have mentioned, it is our diversity that is responsible.  Behind these differences, however, there are causes or drivers that have suddenly become more important than before. If we can identify our motives, it will be much easier to master critical situations. In order to do that, we must be willing to look deeper.

Our motives, wishes and dreams are often anchored deep in our personality.

1. Rolf needs solitude in order to recuperate from stress. He is an HSP (BLOG) and gets stressed when too much fun and socializing is going on. Francisca however, being a sanguine (BLOG), feels completely at home and actually flourishes in that party atmosphere. The social interaction gives her joy and affirmation.

2. After growing up in a house full of strife, Selina has finally found peace. The peace she has found in God has given her a new and better quality of life; Kurt has learned to base his self-worth on achievement (BLOG) and critical thinking is part of that package.

3. Stephanie grew up in a chaotic home and experienced the joy of having things in order when she could be in charge of her own home. She doesn’t want her children to have to grow up the way she did. Sven loves spontaneity more than self-discipline, which he actually never really liked at all.

Happy Couples Care for Each Other

Couples who care for one another understand the value of moving toward each other rather than away and as they do so, they listen to their partner’s desires and needs and accommodate them as far as possible. They also recognize the importance of guarding each other’s individuality as well as their common goals as a couple. Everyone has priorities which must not be sacrificed for the sake of someone else’s dream or wish.

Commonalities and Individualities

These common goals, whether it be raising the children, living faith or working on specific projects, should be respected as boundaries that limit the amount of adjustments that should be made. Respect and consideration are important prerequisites for a happy relationship. After all, we want to be a team that sticks together through thick and thin.

Nevertheless, it is advisable to be aware of unfulfilled needs and try to ascertain their underlying causes. Such causes can sometimes be “buried” in a person’s childhood. When this is the case, the problem will continue to arise at regular intervals, perhaps in different forms. Getting help from a professional is often very beneficial because the process of finding the deeper lying motive can go quicker and the wounds can begin to heal faster.

We all need help. But how and where do we get it? Drugs? Addictions? Entertainment? Escaping into a fantasy world? These are not real solutions. Sometimes people can be helpful.

Should you find yourself in a stand-off with your loved one, in which you cannot find a common denominator, here are Gottman’s five steps:

5 Steps to Solving a Standoff

1.    Be aware of dreams and desires

o   Think about your common dreams and what matters to you both. How about a little tête-à-tête date in a loving atmosphere to talk things through?

2.    Analyze the situation, together or alone

o   If a conflict has arisen, it’s always best to wait until you’ve calmed down. Then try to find out what causes are behind the issue.

o   I –messages are a good way to communicate with your partner. Gottman says recognition and respect for one another’s personal needs and hopes constitute important keys for the protection and enrichment of a marriage.

3.    Calm yourself and your partner

o   Practice what you have learned about dealing with stress. A healthy lifestyle (BLOG) can help you remain calm and find positive words for your partner.

o   If this step seems very difficult, choose a friend or mentor to help you reach your goal.

4.    Strive for unity

o   End your stalemate by looking for a suitable solution for both parties. It may be a compromise, or even better, a consensus, with which both partners can be satisfied.

o   Make a date for a future discussion of the subject, at which time both can share their feelings about the decision made in this step. Adjustments may be needed.

5.    Show gratitude

o   There are probably good reasons to say “Thank you.” Maybe your partner has taken steps outside his or her comfort zone. Perhaps you have too.

o   Maybe you can see that you have made good progress in developing your relationship. That would be worth saying something positive, right?

o   If you are a believer and have given God permission to support you in this process, He would certainly also like to receive a sign of gratitude.

Being thankful, even when you don’t feel like it, is an art. When we look for reasons to be grateful, we can always find something. A thankful heart is a happy heart.

I wonder when the next challenge will present itself. In any case, if you follow this advice, you can work out a common strategy that will help your relationship come out on top the next time strife threatens to destroy your peace.

Keeping Love Alive - 5 - Constructive Quarreling

In every marriage and in every family there are challenges to be met on a daily basis. Over 60 % of these are easily solved. How do we deal with the other 40%? Could the destructive manner of some be a result of diverse biographies, wounds from the past or fears and desires?

You are invited to also read Part1 , Part2., Part3 and Part4

Dear Reader, today’s blog is the one in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!

The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.

An Important Attitude

Mutual Respect

Marriages, in which the partners still believe their marriages and choices of partners were good decisions and are still able to treat one another with true respect, have a good chance of maturing. Wherever this common acceptance is lacking, partners tend to be more defensive, their struggle for power and influence becomes a common occurrence and they restrict each other’s freedom.

Many dear souls cannot stand this type of conflict and immediately begin to build a wall of defense, an impenetrable barrier that will take a lot of time and effort to tear down again. So take my advice: Don’t let that happen. In spite of the difficulties involved, try to find feasible solutions, possibly though good literature, a friend or a therapist. Try to implement the five love languages (LINK) in order to win your partner.

Constructive Conversations - How?

John M. Gottman suggests five steps for changing marital problems into constructive cooperation. Here the are:

Step 1: Begin softly

Generally speaking, it is women (about 80%) who want to bring up a touchy relational subject. We men are often reluctant to speak about and deal with negative emotions. It is much easier for them to talk about technical matters, like explaining how a V8 engine works.

We men also tend to take longer to rebound after a quarrel. They say the partner that gets hit hardest by an altercation will often get sick three days later. This is because the immune system is also damaged in the process. Women tend to use more aggressive vocabulary, which might denote pent-up tension caused by their feelings of being neglected.

People who can argue will not get divorced as easily as those who avoid controversy at all costs. When couples no longer quarrel, it can be a sign that they are so far apart that they have lost connectivity.

In any case, the way a discussion is opened is of vital important. It is (96%) possible to predict the positive or negative outcome of a dialogue within the first three minutes.

If one smiles, then hopefully not out of a feeling of superiority. That would only raise the risk of escalation. He who can communicate with I-messages and explain the core of the problem clearly and objectively, without attacking, criticizing or chastising the other, will graciously guide the conversation to the winner’s circle.

Example of an I-message

“Your parents are coming to visit this evening and the apartment is a total mess. I feel unable to cope and frustrated. I need help.”

Then a request is made: “Can I count on your help?”

Step 2: Offering and Accepting Help

Sometimes we need to practice damage control in order to prevent things from getting out of hand. When you realize your conversation is becoming like a ping-pong blame game, which will only produce wounds and no solutions, you may need to take some emergency measures to save what’s left to save.  

One type of emergency measure could be to react positively to your partner’s unsatisfactory behavior. Here’s an example: The husband has been working in the kitchen. When he’s finished, the kitchen doesn’ look clean enough for his wife. How should she communicate this message to him?  

Variation 1: “Don’t forget to clean the kitchen.” “I did!” “You call that clean?”

Variation 2: “Have you cleaned the kitchen?” “Yes, I did.” “Yeah. I see you did most of it. There are still just a few things that need to be put away.”

With the second variation, the wife’s objective answer helps her husband. Blaming is not generally advantageous, but unbiased explanations are usually more easily accepted.

When couples are already very dissatisfied, variation 2 may not be good enough. The following statements may be helpful:

• I need your help.

• I feel so strange, like I’m not being taken seriously.

• How did you understand what I said?

• I overreacted. I’m sorry.

• I can understand some of the things you said…

• What would you like me to do?

In the kitchen there is a lot of potential to think and act FOR each other. For example, my wife loves it when I help her with the dishes. It’s a good way to get “points”.

Step 3: Look for Balance

Many relationships get out of balance very quickly: stress hormones rush in and self-control washes out. Attack and defense mechanisms are automatically deployed. In such situations it would be helpful to say:

“Time out, please!!”

Then after a break, when both have cooled off, which can sometimes take longer than 20 minutes, the “hot topic” can be dealt with at a lower temperature. People who are balanced don’t need to push their partners out of balance. On the contrary, their quiet, thoughtful words can help bring their partners back into balance.

It’s a good idea to make a ‘time out agreement’. This can help each partner to put in a veto when he or she needs a break for tea or fresh air and to cool off.

Step 4: Be willing to compromise

Some temperaments like to compromise and do so easily (LINK). For others, it takes a lot of effort to make concessions (LINK).

In any case, it’s good to remember: Some matters matter more than others. Sometimes a compromise could mean disaster; other cases are trivial by comparison. It’s good to prioritize and choose your battles well.

Those who can compromise can be tolerant toward and even interested in the opinions, wishes and feelings of others. Give your partner’s ideas a chance. Compromising is a great way to start!

You can create a brand new dimension in your common communication culture– the art of compromise.

Thinking is good. Don’t go by feelings. Sometimes when you’re feeling insulted, if you think for a moment, you could decide to compromise or at least take a time out. Well done!

Step 5: Tolerate flaws in your partner

“If my partner were different, everything would be so much easier!” Have you ever heard that one? Well, of course, it’s true. But here’s the deal: Everyone has a few rocks from the past in their backpack. These make life harder than necessary. I do. And so do you! Aren’t we happy when people are considerate and tolerant of our special needs? 

Many people have a secret desire to change their partners. That’s a wish that will never come true. The only and best thing we can do is to change ourselves. If we do that, we will have made the best step toward helping our partners to develop as well. If we aren’t willing to change ourselves, we have no right to expect something from our partners that we are unwilling to give.

Our next blog will deal with unsolvable conflicts. I hope you’ll join us again. Until then, be blessed!

More information (in German) at the following links:

www.paardynamik.ch

www.danielzwiker.ch

Keeping Love Alive - 3 - Emotional Tank

Contemplating the subject of LOVE is always a worthwhile undertaking, but few people find the time. Instead of filling someone’s love tank or having their own filled, they allow themselves to be swept along by the trends of the times with meaningless distractions and entertainment. In this way, they miss out on one of the best sources of support for their daily lives.

You are invited to also read Part1 and Part2.

Dear Reader, today’s blog is the second in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!

The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.

The Importance of Attention

Susanne and Martin

How wonderful it is to care for one another in practical ways! Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Martin arrives at home after a full day at work. His wife, Susanne, is sitting in the living room with her diary. He gets the impression she’s a bit sad, so he approaches her to find out the cause. He puts his arm around her and asks, “How’s it going?” Then he waits for a response.

Susanne begins her story and tries to express herself in a way that he can understand. Sometimes he asks questions for clarification. He realizes the importance of listening to the most important person in his life. He resists the temptation to share his solutions, but gives her and her words his undivided attention.

For Susanne, having his sympathetic ear to listen to her is extremely important. Speaking about her troubles helps her to work through her emotions. When she has talked it out, she will probably know how to deal with it. If not, Martin can give her a good idea. Twenty minutes later, they get up and go into the kitchen to make dinner.

Little Things Mean a Lot

If this scene were in a Hollywood film, it would not draw crowds. People want to see drama, romance and tragedy, but there are no films on how to deal with the everyday nuts and bolts of life.

It is interesting to note that when these little personal struggles are shared, the potential for romance increases. If Susanne knows what challenges her husband will be facing on a given morning, she can call him or send him a text message of support from a distance.

When Martin comes home, he tells her how his day went and goes shopping with her, carries the heavy shopping bags, opens the door for her and looks forward to spending a happy evening together.

Unhappy couples, and such as are considering divorce, seldom enjoy bonding conversations such as the one above. However, if they are interested in their partners, their welfare, their challenges, their needs and where their effort and energy are spent, they will communicate in a meaningful way, and a deep emotional bond will develop between them. In such a case, a romantic candlelight dinner may be the natural climax to their loving and caring relationship.

Emotional Tank

You probably know this term by now, dear Reader. When our tanks are full, we are happy and strong enough to overcome most any stressful situation. It’s much easier to be a master of circumstances.

John M. Gottman said, “Marriage is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.” By little attentions often shown, we can fill each other’s emotional tanks. Attention translates to appreciation, and love is communicated.  

Our emotional tanks often remain empty as a result of pure thoughtlessness, or because of distractions or an unawareness of the importance of the subject. Gottman found out that happy couples usually recognized and appreciated positive efforts made by their partners, while unhappy couples actually misinterpreted the motives behind positive acts.

Suggestions and Ideas

The following activities may help you fill your partner’s love tank:

• At breakfast, ask your partner what kind of day he or she is expecting.

• In the evening, review the day together and sympathize with his or her feelings.

• Plan common activities together, like shopping, household, gardening and entertaining visitors.

• Spend free time together, like walking, reading (to each other), having discussions, doing hobbies.

• Do things together out in nature, like hiking, canoeing and camping.

• Find some sport, like cycling, table tennis, volleyball or soccer, that you can do together.

Making a delicious meal together in the kitchen combines two love languages: quality time and acts of service. When mutual respect is part of the recipe, nothing else should hinder the mutual filling of your love tanks.

When Children Need Us

The moment children enter a family, a couple’s together time alone often suffers. That’s when it’s especially important to be careful of each other and intentionally plan some free time together. Because this is an especially challenging phase, it’s important to have a bank of wonderful times from “before children” to look back on and treasure.

• Children compete for their parents’ love as expressed in attention, care and affirmation.

• At the same time, they NEED their parents to have a good, harmonious relationship. If this is lacking, they suffer great damage.

• Just as parents give attention to their children, mature children will understand that their parents would like to spend some time together. Depending on their ages, they may even suggest it.

Summary

Stress Reduction Thanks to Communication

It turns out that the most effective strategy is having a conversation about how the day went. In this way, external stress that has nothing to do with the relationship can be dealt with. Stress from other areas of life, for example work, can flow into and cause waves in the relationship.

Because talking can help decrease pressure and stress, a couple that practices good communication will enjoy more peace. Their relationship will remain strong in spite of challenges. External stress is much easier to handle because it’s less personal and thus easier to listen with both ears and empathize.

When a couple has practiced this method with external stress, they may try it on a bit touchier subjects, closer to home. Mutual respect and unconditional love (BLOG) are ideal conditions for such an experiment.

Should all attempts fail, counseling may be the best course.

More information (in German) at the following links:

www.paardynamik.ch

www.danielzwiker.ch