See A Model for Conflict Resolution

  Never waste a good conflict! They are often opportunities to grow!!

What roll do you play in conflict situations?  Do you stand your ground? Are you generally cooperative and willing to compromise, or do you, in the name of peace, forgo the right to defend your opinion and your solution?

Depending on the strength of your partner’s ego, a variety of reactions can emerge. Have you noticed?

The tension that exists between the

• emotional, person-oriented behavior (self – assertion, forcing one’s own opinion) and the

• constructive, object-oriented behavior (considerate of the other’s arguments)

can be seen in the conflict management model below.

  Where do you generally find yourself when it comes to conflict solving? Where would you like to be?

Zwang=Force  /  Rückzug=Withdrawal / Flexibilität=Flexibility /  Kooperation=Cooperation / Kompromiss=Compromise  (German is easy, right ?)

Force:   This approach shows no willingness to compromise. It asserts itself and is uncooperative. Power over reason. A means of achieving its goals can be:

• Pressure (guilty conscience, status - “I’m the boss here!”),
• Aggressive behavior (choleric, dominant, unbalanced)
• Threats (of disproportionate consequences)

Withdrawal:  This attitude is revealed in ever-increasing negation and minimization of the conflict. Ignoring a conflict can help achieve the following:

• Tensions can be reduced
• Time can be gained
• Alternative solutions can be worked on and sought after

Flexibility:   This mindset reveals an attitude of cooperation.  In this case, it is possible that one’s own, important interests will be neglected. Unselfish generosity and kindness will always be appreciated, but it is not always reasonable. Some advantages:

• Opportunities are created for others
• Resulting in an atmosphere of reciprocal goodwill
• Peace and harmony are in the home

Cooperation:   This is a solution-oriented attitude that takes the various personal interests of both parties into account. It’s not a matter of finding a lazy compromise, but of looking for and eliminating the root cause of the problem. Consequences of this type of conflict resolution:

• The integration of various forms of solutions
• Potential knowledge-base is broadened, complex learning is facilitated
• Relationships improve and deepen

Compromise:   The goal of this approach is to find an expedient solution that is acceptable for both sides, creating a win/win situation. When viewed objectively, however, it is not necessarily the best solution. This is the variation that is chosen when …

• It seems to be the only feasible solution
• Both parties are unbending and/or equal in strength
• A quick solution is needed

  Remember, there’s a lot more behind a handshake than just the issue at hand.

When conflict spells opportunity

Conflict is carried out on more than one level, and it is a true art to recognize the depth to which a specific conflict can go. For example, the root cause behind a lack of cooperation/denial/refusal of any kind could be a deep-seated insecurity, a nagging doubt that one is loved, or at least accepted.

To the empathetic and psychological eye, many interactions reveal a cry for love. Fatigue, depression, lethargy and apathy are often signs of a deeply felt lack of love, but it can also manifest itself in behavior calculated to draw attention or awaken pity.

So, to know and understand your partner’s inner self can help to recognize the degree of importance expressed in a conflict and to adjust one’s own behavior accordingly. One could, for example, ask questions that could lead away from shallow situations to something deeper.

Finding the path into the depths of a soul is an art that carries great rewards. 

My recommendation: Take conflict seriously. Try to see and comprehend what’s above, below, behind and around it.  Here’s wishing you every success!

A surefire way to destroy a relationship

Statistics say 69% of all conflicts are unresolvable!

"Statistics are lies!" That’s what I learned from my old math teacher. However, they do usually show a certain trend. (Depending on who paid for the study!)

Of course, there are many couples who have a lower number of unresolvable conflicts. Maybe they already weeded out some possible conflicts in the courting phase. But unfortunately, with many it is actually true.  

Much of the strife that we deal with on a daily basis simply cannot be eliminated, no matter how much we want and work for it. 

Life is full of conflicts - It almost seems they’re a natural part of life.

Sideline:

Problems versus Challenges

What are problems? When I hear that word, I think of some difficulty, a mountain ahead with no way around it and no solution in sight – a pessimistic situation.

What are challenges?  Doesn’t that word sound optimistic? You’re automatically thinking about what the solution might be. It’s just a matter of time and effort.

These two basic attitudes alone can make a huge difference in our daily conflicts. It is said that men are naturally solution oriented. Therefore, they have a special challenge in this area. “Don’t worry, Honey. We’ll find a solution!” Sometimes they need to remember that the solution is often found in the very act of actively listening to their wives!

Unfortunately, unresolved conflicts can have a strong negative impact on our need for intimacy.

Symptoms of unresolved conflicts can include:

·         Both parties have knuckled down in their positions and cannot budge.

·         Conversations only lead to deeper hard-heartedness; communication is immature, frustrating and hurtful. 

·         No good will is on either side, and the parties give up trying to communicate on the information level.

If these tendencies are not treated and replaced with constructive behavior, the relationship will eventually shatter. What a shame! By allowing that to happen, the parties lose out on a good and important chance to grow and mature! 

What can we do with unresolvable conflicts? 

Unresolvable conflicts usually arise as a result of diverging personalities or dissimilar lifestyles (for example cultures). Each individual is a unique complex ‘system’, and has his or her own completely different program as a basis. This foundation was laid in the person’s childhood and youth. That’s why it is no wonder that there are problems in areas like money, education, faith, order, family, sex, friendships and hobbies.

The good news is . . . 

 . . . the fact that unresolvable conflicts can remain unresolved. We needn’t think it’s only possible to have harmony when every challenge has been solved. When we remove our conflicts from the emotional level and place them on the level of pure information, then a harmonious relationship can very well be achieved!!

This process of moving into the information level is usually easier for one partner than for the other. In such cases, a generous portion of patience and empathy will be needed. To be continued ...

Even strongly contrasting personalities can find common ground to work on. :-)  (-:

30 Days of Carrying My Wife

Our wedding was like a dream.

One night after 10 years of marriage, I dropped a bomb at dinner, "I want a divorce."

She didn’t scream or cry, but quietly asked, “Why?” I ignored the question. I didn’t know how to tell her I had fallen in love with someone else. I presented divorce papers, which I thought were quite generous. After looking over them quickly, she tore them up. We went to bed in separate rooms that night, but I could hear her crying softly. That bothered me, and I thought a little about our past…

We had had a good beginning together. She was the woman of my dreams. But somehow the magic disappeared. It’s difficult to say why or how. Our communication slowed and dwindled to a trickle. We lost interest in each other, and having a child didn’t help. We grew further and further apart, and nobody did anything about it. Well, once she tried to get me to go to a marriage counselor with her. But that was the last thing I wanted to do. They just think they know everything!

At some point I finally fell asleep.

In the morning, she surprised me with her own divorce papers. Feelings of guilt began to grow in me. I knew I had blown it.

The document contained the following conditions:

·         She wanted no monetary compensation. Hmmm… Surprising.

·         She requested that I stay for one more month and in that time we lead as normal a married life as possible. She explained that our son was already struggling in school and had exams to get through. She didn’t want to further upset him with our broken marriage. Reasonable enough.

·         Her last condition was really strange: she asked me to remember how I had carried her over the threshold on our wedding night and requested that I carry her from the bedroom to the front door every morning on my way to work for the next 30 days.

I thought that was absurd, but just to make our last days together bearable, I decided to go along with it. I figured I could stand it for a month.

That first morning we were both a little clumsy and stiff. We hadn’t been intimate with each other for a long while… But our son clapped behind us exclaiming, “Daddy is holding Mommy in his arms!” His words brought me a sense of pain. She closed her eyes and said softly, “Don’t tell our son about the divorce.” Some strange feelings stirred in me and I thought some more about our past.

I had to admit, I had been pretty selfish. Although I had promised to take care of her for the rest of my life, I had not done much. I had hardly taken the time to ask her how she was doing, or what she was thinking about. I hadn’t been much of a support, kind of left her to herself. I remembered how she had tried a few times to get closer to me, but my shortsightedness, and possibly fear, had caused me to repulse her efforts.

The second day, it went a little smoother. She leaned on my chest, and I could smell her perfume. For the first time I noticed she had wrinkles. She looked tired.

On the fourth day when I picked her up, a certain sense of intimacy began to return. This was the woman who had given me 10 years of her life. A week later I felt an old familiar feeling growing, something akin to love.

As the month slipped by, it became easier and easier to carry her. I thought maybe the workout was strengthening my muscles. Then, on the last morning, I saw her trying on different clothes, frustrated that nothing fit well. I suddenly realized she had lost a lot of weight. Was I the reason? Then our son bounced into the room and said, “Daddy, it’s time to carry Mommy out!” He had obviously embraced this new tradition wholeheartedly. I held her tightly that morning, like on our wedding day. I could hardly put her down at the front door.

As I drove to work that morning, I made a decision. When I arrived at the office, I rushed in and told Jane I had changed my mind and would not get a divorce.  She was shocked and angry… I was sorry, but I had decided I should be true to my wife till death do us part.

The marriage bed – a place of love, security and trust – or of walls, fear and escape

On the way home I picked up some flowers and wrote her a card,  “I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us part.” When I arrived at home, I bounded up the stairs, nervous and excited to give her the good news. She was still in bed and didn’t react to my voice: she just lay there motionless. I shook her and called her name. I was so confused. I called the ambulance, but it was too late: she was dead. Her doctor told me she had been fighting cancer for months – alone. She knew she would soon die, and wanted our son to remember me as a loving husband, who had lovingly carried his mommy to the door every morning.

Oh, how I miss my wife! If only…

To make dreams come true, we have to make PRO RELATIONSHIP decisions every day

Here’s a short video clip of the story, but be sure and have some Kleenex nearby…    Link