10 Things That Can Destroy a Marriage

"Our marriage got off to a wonderful start. Everything looked so good, but something drove us apart. It’s hard to say what exactly it was.  I would do something about it if I only knew the cause."

Let’s Protect Our Marriages

Everybody knows it. Divorce rates are high. What would you say about a person who has been married three times? Where do you think the problem lies? What are the causes of marital challenges in our society?

The following 10 points are challenges, yes dangers, for married couples:

All a weed needs to grow is a small crack in the sidewalk. Sometimes not even that! Let’s not allow the following irritants to grow like weeds.

The following 10 points are challenges, yes dangers, for married couples:

1. Excessive Demands and Physical Exhaustion

When we feel exhausted or unable to meet the demands made on us, we tend to make more and bigger mistakes than otherwise. This is a condition that requires special caution and should be avoided whenever possible. Young couples who try to work and study at the same time are especially endangered. Certain limits must be respected. No one should try to work fulltime, take classes in night school, have a baby (or two), renovate a house and start a business all at once.  

It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do exactly that, and then they are surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why shouldn’t it? The only time they see each other is when they are exhausted. But if they care about their marriages, husbands and wives need to reserve time for each other. Sustaining a friendship requires an investment of time and attention. This is the best safeguard for relationships.

IMPORTANT: While some things are important, and others are VERY important, we should never forget the MOST IMPORTANT THING, our own marriages. Getting these categories mixed up can be disastrous.

2. Unsatisfactory Management of Finances

Nowadays more and more people live on credit. They can’t seem to wait until they have saved enough money to buy what they want. It is a wiser choice to spend only the money you HAVE on things you actually NEED.

It’s so easy to get into financial straits, much easier to get in than out. Those who have not learned the value of doing without or waiting for something are especially challenged. (See BLOG on EQ). Especially for making an expenditure for a car, a house or a vacation, the wisdom of Solomon would be helpful.

3. Selfishness = the Search for Oneself

Who am I, and who am I not? Self-reflection is necessary for a happy marriage, and self-awareness is the first step toward self-improvement.

There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be beautiful. In a marriage between a giver and a taker, there is bound to be friction (BLOG). But two takers can tear each other to pieces within weeks. Unrestrained selfishness can quickly destroy a marriage and the parties involved.

In this context it is a great advantage to be acquainted with the two components of love: the conditional and the unconditional ingredients (BLOG).

What is selfishness anyway? It is mostly seen in people who are not happy with themselves, people who have not found themselves completely and cannot accept themselves with all their strengths and weaknesses.

Here’s a simple self-test you can do: When you get up in the morning, look into the mirror and smile and say: “Good morning, Self. I’m looking forward to spending a great day with you!” If you can do that, you’re on the right track, unless, of course, you have a tendency toward narcissism.

Selfish people always ask, “What’s in it for me?” Humble people ask, “What’s in it for EVERYBODY?” This is another case where emotional intelligence is needed (BLOG).

4. Family Challenges

Many marriages are overshadowed by difficult relationships and unresolved conflicts among relatives. If one or both parties are unable to cut the cord and act independently of their parents, they will also be unable to dedicate themselves completely to their beloved. This situation will tend to smolder and provides many opportunities for sparks to ignite any available tinder. This is often a result of the selfish, clingy “love” demonstrated by parents who cannot let their children go to live their own lives.

Parents (grandparents) can be a great blessing if they recognize and respect the social boundaries of their adult children’s marriages. (Pic: our family and grandchildren, Jeremy is missing)

5. Unrealistic Expectations

Some couples enter the marriage relationship expecting promenades through parks of primroses, candlelight dinners, rose petals on their beds and boundless joy. It is impossible for two imperfect people to fulfill these expectations. Social media tends to create such ideas and dreams in young people, and all too soon these prove to be empty balloons that burst and disappoint. If on top of that, one has added expectations generated by one’s own loneliness and empty emotional tank, more disappointment will surely follow.

Therefore it is advisable to work on one’s own emotional balance first; needs should be discovered and possible plans for solutions set in motion. Those who are in balance before they marry are better prepared to make good choices when looking for a partner and are more likely to enjoy a successful marriage. 

6. A Lack of the Ability to Love

Our ability to love comes from our parents. Well, we couldn’t choose our parents, could we? So, what can we do if we didn’t get much of that skill? In that case, we are challenged to look a little deeper into the subject. It would be very helpful to learn about the love languages (BLOG) and how to put them into practice in daily life.

A person who wants to practice true love will continue to think of ways to make his or her partner happy, even after years of marriage. He or she will be there for support and to show appreciation in a variety of ways. How about a bouquet of roses for the lady of the house?

7. Lack of Self-discipline

Society today teaches us to say: “I want it ALL! And I want it NOW!” We have somehow forgotten how to wait, or we never learned it. For many, setting limits, understanding and appreciating them is just too far away from reality. Those who cannot control themselves are in grave danger of being unfaithful in marriage. One temperament in particular (BLOG) tends to fly like a butterfly from flower to flower collecting nectar as it goes. A person who has trouble controlling his or her appetite may also be at risk in other ways. Important: Sexuality is the giving of oneself and one’s affection to one’s partner in order to bring joy to him or her. That takes discipline…

8. Professional Crises

Unemployment is a problem that is especially disturbing for men. Financial setbacks and insecurity can cause nervousness and outbursts of anger in the marriage and family. Interpersonal conflicts at work or getting fired are high stress factors and can definitely put additional pressure on a marriage. In these situations, the role of the partner in affirming team spirit, being content with less, standing together through thick and thin and encouraging the other with loving words and deeds can make all the difference between success and failure.

It is interesting to note that success in one’s career can also be a real danger. Sometimes when a person floats from one victory to the next, he or she can lose sight of his or her priorities. The marriage relationship should always be number ONE and should not come after one’s job. Let’s try not to let success become a stumbling stone.  

9. Personal Immaturity 

Remember: A wedding is just a snapshot. It should be a happy beginning to an even happier future.

It’s generally not too hard to get a young girl to marry you if she has not yet developed the necessary intellectual competence and social farsightedness to think everything through rationally. The younger a girl marries, the higher the probability of divorce. Terri and I teach young adult students what to look for in their choice of partners. It’s a fascinating subject for them, and for us. J  

10. Pornography, Gambling and Other Addictions

Many young people think they can handle a little pornography, gambling or alcohol, for example, without getting hurt by them. That may be true for a few, but many fall into the trap of addiction and lose a big chunk of the quality of life and happiness that could have been theirs had they avoided those things. Their problems often begin when they experiment with some known vice and finally end in death … or in the death of a marriage.

Pornography is a specialist at destroying our ability to love. When viewing your spouse as an object to be used becomes a habit, instead of seeing her as the subject of tender love and affection, love is destroyed.

Alcohol and Drugs are notorious murderers, not only of marriages and families, but also of the people who overuse them. Studies show that 40% of all Americans and Canadians have close family members who are alcoholics. Children that grow up in such an environment are branded for life.

The freer we are, the greater our potential for happiness, but sometimes it’s not easy to get free. Nowadays there are social institutions that offer support and counsel to those who would like to get free from their addictions. The sooner they take care of it, the better.

Closing Thoughts

We have just considered 10 “Matrimonial Murderers” – not a very cheerful subject, but perhaps you know someone who might be helped by thinking about and recognizing the dangers hidden in these topics. You could help protect and promote the happiness of a marriage and/or family (maybe even your own) by sharing this with someone you care about. Thank you for reading, caring and sharing.

Unconditional Love in Marriage

Anyone who opens up to this type of love in a relationship will experience miracles!

I hope you were able to take a look at the two previous blogs on this topic:

CONDITIONAL LOVE - GOOD OR BAD ?

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - THE BEST OF THE BEST

Let me repeat briefly:

There are always reasons in a marriage to put the blame on the partner when there is a conflict. we're world champions in that, aren't we? As soon as you overlook it and look for the solution instead of depressing your partner, then you are on the right track.

We have also found out that there can be conditional and unconditional love in any type of relationship. If these components are positively aligned, the relationship can benefit significantly.

Unconditional love is love for love's sake.

She survives all challenges and all disappointments.

• Unconditional love does not expect the other to do something concrete or to return love.

• It shows itself in loyalty and understanding, even if the other has made a mistake.

• It shows in caring and empathic action, e.g. when the other is sick or weak.

• Unconditional love is a goal in a two-person relationship and leads to charity.

• Ultimately, completely unconditional love can only be found in God's source of love.

We find this love nowadays especially in young mothers who treat their babies in this way. If we could transfer that to the adult level, the world would look different.

In this we men can't quite keep up with the ladies! But we can be inspired by this motherly love.

Where else can we find unconditional love?

All people who have access to the Christian faith can recognize and experience this love there. The fact that a Creator God cares for us from infinitely far away, in which he tries to save us from our lousy situation, even allows himself to be ridiculed and finally tormented and dies without having placed a condition on us, then shows this potential for love, which cannot be found anywhere else, in any other religion. Unique, sensational.

To meet the Creator God in His created nature is a special experience for many believers.

Whoever opens up to this thought has access to unconditional love, which can then be reflected in his own life. It penetrates our heart and can change it in a positive way. If you want to try this out, you can read the last chapters of the four Gospels under prayer. There you meet the love climax, the love source.

Whoever understands God's love can get along well with everyone because he can see it through 'God's eye'. Even loving one's enemies is then possible.

In relationships

We will stop re-educating our partner. Even if we think it is for the benefit of the partner. We concentrate on accepting it a priori as it is, including the weaknesses. We are happy about our partner because he is our friend who has chosen me as a person. We are a team and we will not let anyone destroy this cooperation. Not even by myself. This eliminates many unnecessary fears, which promotes love motivation, which leads to positive changes and reduces weaknesses.

He who loves his wife loves himself (Eph 5:28)

This verse got under my skin. Could it be that if I react nervously and awkwardly to my wife that I actually have a problem with myself?

I wanted to test this out. And every time I was impatient with Terri, I had to admit that I was actually not at peace with myself. Give it a try!

Every time I stopped nagging and went inside to find out and clear up the dissonance.

A pair that sticks together through thick and thin is unbeatable. Such a team is formed by mutual victories and defeats on the basis of unconditional love.

Without pride and selfishness, most problems could be solved in 5 minutes!

This sentence has it all. He wants to show that we often move far away from selflessness and humility. Our society promotes pride and individuality so much that we too are tempted to do so. But with that we build social walls.

Suggestion: With the next problem, try to deal analytically with what YOUR own pride or selfishness could be. If you recognize him, then it is also easy to recognize him in your partner. Often it is even easier to spot the mistakes in the partner. You tend to be 'blind' to yourself.

Knowing yourself is the best way to get better

Where there is pride, there are problems. Those who can grasp their ego have great advantages in improving their emotional intelligence, let's say their social skills. Nothing stands in the way of quality relationships. This applies to all social levels, including the professional level.

Pride is socially recognized and trained. He brought us many wars. He blinds us and closes us off to the needs of others. Nothing against the joy of performance and quality. But pride comes before the fall. Humility builds up and leads to peace.

Unconditional love in a two-person relationship

It is important to make a conscious start. Even if only one partner starts doing it, there is a profit. Sure, there is a risk of exploitation and injury. But only if you can be exploited and injured. Those who are at peace with themselves, who have accepted themselves completely, also lose this fear. Unconditional love is not an unconditional surrender! On the contrary. She lets herself be extremely valuable. An added value with high self-worth.

Married couples can really build each other up, help, promote, convey self-worth, go through challenges or be carried. That forms the quality of the relationship.

The speed of maturation increases the stronger the will of both partners. Couples can switch from unhappy to happy in just one month. But then you have to be able to let go, forgive the old injuries and be ready for a new beginning. It's quick to write, but corresponds to deeper inner struggles and victories over yourself. Anyone who needs help can knock on Jesus at any time, who has promised to help. Because God is love, and whoever is in love is in God and God is in him!

Characteristics for unconditional love are:

Concerning yourself:

• Recognize your own strengths and weaknesses

• See and express the good in critical moments

• Replace 'love substitute gratifications' with goal-oriented action

• Delight in truth, authenticity and integrity

• Instead of manipulation, live respect, also towards yourself

• Decision on the path of maturation

• Patience brings you further, encourages listening to yourself and others

• It's not the feelings that count, it's the decision

• Become master of circumstances - be disaster-independent

At the beginning of every conscious change is the decision: "Yes, I want to go this way." If this motivation remains, then nothing stands in the way that cannot be mastered.

Regarding relationship:

• Modesty, loyalty, reliability

• Trust without control

• miss each other without jealousy

• Interest in time together

• Interest in truth and authenticity

• find each other without getting lost

• live respect instead of manipulation

• Security without loss of freedom

• Say "sorry" and mean it

• Accept and give help

• Interest in the partner's well-being, promotion

• Pray for one another, educate one another, read together

Every day gives us the opportunity to show the partner that we are a team, stick together, tackle problems together, think and feel for one another, support one another and like one another. What a chance!

• Regarding the environment:

• Respect for all living things

• Respect for the rights of others and their property

• Patiently addressing obvious problems of social need

• Gratitude, honesty, kindness in everything you do

• Quality awareness - quality wins

Many people don't know how bad things are for them. They need help, maybe from YOU, to be cleared up what unconditional love actually is, that there is much more value in life than they assumed. Because everyone is looking for love. Everyone needs them urgently.

Living love results in a highly qualified life, living together and suffering; it helps to feel the wishes, longings and needs of the other as one's own and not to lose oneself in them.

May many people benefit and choose from this love and be blessed by it.

I am happy to support you on this path. Book an appointment under Beratung/Counseling

When we were young ___ In front of his parents' house

So now I have the unique chance to give men a message from women. Excellent! But what am I supposed to say?

Last week I encouraged women to stand by and support their husbands. This week I would like to encourage you men to support your wives in their task of supporting you. :-)

When women get married and are in love, it is often the case that they really want to spoil the man and give him every possible pleasure. This tendency is certainly also present among men ... At least that's how it was for me, and I really spoiled Ernst for four years. And for four years we had heaven on earth. He was my everything. His wish was my command - or rather, his wish was my wish!

The more irrational expectations of the partner, the more likely the disappointments!

Because I inherently had a low self-esteem, Ernst was a really good catch for me, and I did everything I could to make him happy: it gave me great pleasure to make him happy, and that's how I got mine Self-esteem strengthened.

Our lives changed in a flash when we became parents. Suddenly Ernst wasn't the only one I was allowed to look after. A baby needs a lot of attention and all of a sudden I was looking after our little daughter 24 hours a day. Ernst was / is an exceptionally good father. But mostly the fathers care less about the children than the mothers, and Ernst was no exception.

With the first child he had felt his loss very much. With each subsequent child, my strength was distributed even more, so that their share of the cake became smaller and smaller. I think that's in the nature of things. Only, you don't imagine it to be that difficult beforehand. Most of the family series on television make everything seem a lot simpler.

It is beneficial to be able to look back on a happy time together, because children change the values of the new mother, which can also be a challenge for the father.

Ernst meant it well. He did a good job every day and came home regularly afterwards. He bought me my big dream house in the country. He wanted to make me happy. It was also very nice - but also very strict - a big house with lots of space, three children, lots of guests, lots of laundry, lots of shopping, lots of cooking, cleaning, renovations, games, music, lots of work ... time for everyone and everything - just too little time for the two of us.

During the week he was at work; on Saturday we didn't work and on Sunday mornings we always had football and we usually had visitors in the afternoon. So I threw the whole cart at home.

After work, Ernst wanted to rest and thought he had already done his job. But I often ironed or folded my laundry in the evening. I know I should have done it during the day. I should have finished my work - but it wasn't. I hadn't learned how to run a household like Swiss women do. In retrospect, I think I would have needed a course. Back then, I just thought I needed help. I was dead tired in the evening. He had said that I love my work so much and that I couldn't be without it. But I just saw the work and knew I had to do it, otherwise no one - or I - would do it the next day. But the next day was already fully booked ...

Receiving flowers from the loved one warms the heart of love.

He tried flowers ... Flowers are beautiful. I like flowers. But flowers are not my love language. He also usually brought me flowers on Friday afternoons. On Fridays I usually had special preparations: special meals for the evening and for Saturday - we often had visitors - last-minute cleaning and shopping, plus the preparations for the children's service program and the music service.

When Ernst came home with his beautiful flowers, I mostly wasn't finished and I actually needed help. But the flowers still needed additional care. But because I didn't have time to arrange them properly, I just put them in the water quickly. At some point he asked if I actually didn't like flowers at all ... He didn't understand that I wasn't really happy about them.

I would have been more pleased about his help. I've tried to explain this to him several times. Especially when he missed me in bed that evening because I was still working for a long time. I said that if he would help me we would be finished earlier at the same time and then I would also have time for him ... So we both missed each other and could actually have done each other good.

We knew that Ernst’s love language was <physical touch> and secondly <praise>. I thought I was the same until I got into trouble and needed help. From then on, my love language was <helping deeds>. But we didn't find out until much later.

The five love languages are not limited to the bed alone! However, celebrating togetherness can have a highly positive impact on the partnership.

In the meantime he has learned to put the cut flowers in the water himself and to arrange them, or even BETTER to buy a pot flower. By the way, we are currently visiting Italy. Ernst went to the market alone while I am sitting here in the sun with a wonderful view and writing. NOW he just happened to come up with a beautiful blue hydrangea. I enjoy that!

Blue is my favourite colour :-)

In fact, it wouldn't have been that difficult to meet both of our needs. He needed my closeness - also physically - but to have more time and energy for him, I needed his help. At that time we didn't know anything about the five love languages. We could certainly have saved ourselves some frustrations by doing this.

By the way, he not only learned to make me happy with flowers, but also encourages me wherever he can. He is also more receptive to my calls for help. I am very happy about it!

Our situation is certainly unique, just as every relationship is unique, with its special circumstances, needs and temperaments. But we would like to pass on the lessons that we have been able to draw from it so that you may benefit from it - at least that is how we hope.

In the meantime, we've figured out a good magic formula with a few very simple principles to bring the magic back into the marriage. I'll be happy to tell you about it another time. For today it would go beyond the scope.

So I would like to give you the following three tips in summary:

1. Find out your own love language and that of your wife, and see how you can complement and make yourself happy with it. Perhaps your needs match better than you think! (Ernst will soon be writing a blog about love languages.) The test can be found on the Internet.

2. Find out what your wife really likes - and act accordingly. Nicely dosed ...

3. Find out what annoys your wife - and do without it wherever possible.

It's easy, isn't it? I wish you success !

Book recommendation: LOVE & RESPECT Emmerson Eggerichs

Do you have any questions or comments?

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