10 Things That Can Destroy a Marriage

"Our marriage got off to a wonderful start. Everything looked so good, but something drove us apart. It’s hard to say what exactly it was.  I would do something about it if I only knew the cause."

Let’s Protect Our Marriages

Everybody knows it. Divorce rates are high. What would you say about a person who has been married three times? Where do you think the problem lies? What are the causes of marital challenges in our society?

The following 10 points are challenges, yes dangers, for married couples:

All a weed needs to grow is a small crack in the sidewalk. Sometimes not even that! Let’s not allow the following irritants to grow like weeds.

The following 10 points are challenges, yes dangers, for married couples:

1. Excessive Demands and Physical Exhaustion

When we feel exhausted or unable to meet the demands made on us, we tend to make more and bigger mistakes than otherwise. This is a condition that requires special caution and should be avoided whenever possible. Young couples who try to work and study at the same time are especially endangered. Certain limits must be respected. No one should try to work fulltime, take classes in night school, have a baby (or two), renovate a house and start a business all at once.  

It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do exactly that, and then they are surprised when their marriages fall apart. Why shouldn’t it? The only time they see each other is when they are exhausted. But if they care about their marriages, husbands and wives need to reserve time for each other. Sustaining a friendship requires an investment of time and attention. This is the best safeguard for relationships.

IMPORTANT: While some things are important, and others are VERY important, we should never forget the MOST IMPORTANT THING, our own marriages. Getting these categories mixed up can be disastrous.

2. Unsatisfactory Management of Finances

Nowadays more and more people live on credit. They can’t seem to wait until they have saved enough money to buy what they want. It is a wiser choice to spend only the money you HAVE on things you actually NEED.

It’s so easy to get into financial straits, much easier to get in than out. Those who have not learned the value of doing without or waiting for something are especially challenged. (See BLOG on EQ). Especially for making an expenditure for a car, a house or a vacation, the wisdom of Solomon would be helpful.

3. Selfishness = the Search for Oneself

Who am I, and who am I not? Self-reflection is necessary for a happy marriage, and self-awareness is the first step toward self-improvement.

There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be beautiful. In a marriage between a giver and a taker, there is bound to be friction (BLOG). But two takers can tear each other to pieces within weeks. Unrestrained selfishness can quickly destroy a marriage and the parties involved.

In this context it is a great advantage to be acquainted with the two components of love: the conditional and the unconditional ingredients (BLOG).

What is selfishness anyway? It is mostly seen in people who are not happy with themselves, people who have not found themselves completely and cannot accept themselves with all their strengths and weaknesses.

Here’s a simple self-test you can do: When you get up in the morning, look into the mirror and smile and say: “Good morning, Self. I’m looking forward to spending a great day with you!” If you can do that, you’re on the right track, unless, of course, you have a tendency toward narcissism.

Selfish people always ask, “What’s in it for me?” Humble people ask, “What’s in it for EVERYBODY?” This is another case where emotional intelligence is needed (BLOG).

4. Family Challenges

Many marriages are overshadowed by difficult relationships and unresolved conflicts among relatives. If one or both parties are unable to cut the cord and act independently of their parents, they will also be unable to dedicate themselves completely to their beloved. This situation will tend to smolder and provides many opportunities for sparks to ignite any available tinder. This is often a result of the selfish, clingy “love” demonstrated by parents who cannot let their children go to live their own lives.

Parents (grandparents) can be a great blessing if they recognize and respect the social boundaries of their adult children’s marriages. (Pic: our family and grandchildren, Jeremy is missing)

5. Unrealistic Expectations

Some couples enter the marriage relationship expecting promenades through parks of primroses, candlelight dinners, rose petals on their beds and boundless joy. It is impossible for two imperfect people to fulfill these expectations. Social media tends to create such ideas and dreams in young people, and all too soon these prove to be empty balloons that burst and disappoint. If on top of that, one has added expectations generated by one’s own loneliness and empty emotional tank, more disappointment will surely follow.

Therefore it is advisable to work on one’s own emotional balance first; needs should be discovered and possible plans for solutions set in motion. Those who are in balance before they marry are better prepared to make good choices when looking for a partner and are more likely to enjoy a successful marriage. 

6. A Lack of the Ability to Love

Our ability to love comes from our parents. Well, we couldn’t choose our parents, could we? So, what can we do if we didn’t get much of that skill? In that case, we are challenged to look a little deeper into the subject. It would be very helpful to learn about the love languages (BLOG) and how to put them into practice in daily life.

A person who wants to practice true love will continue to think of ways to make his or her partner happy, even after years of marriage. He or she will be there for support and to show appreciation in a variety of ways. How about a bouquet of roses for the lady of the house?

7. Lack of Self-discipline

Society today teaches us to say: “I want it ALL! And I want it NOW!” We have somehow forgotten how to wait, or we never learned it. For many, setting limits, understanding and appreciating them is just too far away from reality. Those who cannot control themselves are in grave danger of being unfaithful in marriage. One temperament in particular (BLOG) tends to fly like a butterfly from flower to flower collecting nectar as it goes. A person who has trouble controlling his or her appetite may also be at risk in other ways. Important: Sexuality is the giving of oneself and one’s affection to one’s partner in order to bring joy to him or her. That takes discipline…

8. Professional Crises

Unemployment is a problem that is especially disturbing for men. Financial setbacks and insecurity can cause nervousness and outbursts of anger in the marriage and family. Interpersonal conflicts at work or getting fired are high stress factors and can definitely put additional pressure on a marriage. In these situations, the role of the partner in affirming team spirit, being content with less, standing together through thick and thin and encouraging the other with loving words and deeds can make all the difference between success and failure.

It is interesting to note that success in one’s career can also be a real danger. Sometimes when a person floats from one victory to the next, he or she can lose sight of his or her priorities. The marriage relationship should always be number ONE and should not come after one’s job. Let’s try not to let success become a stumbling stone.  

9. Personal Immaturity 

Remember: A wedding is just a snapshot. It should be a happy beginning to an even happier future.

It’s generally not too hard to get a young girl to marry you if she has not yet developed the necessary intellectual competence and social farsightedness to think everything through rationally. The younger a girl marries, the higher the probability of divorce. Terri and I teach young adult students what to look for in their choice of partners. It’s a fascinating subject for them, and for us. J  

10. Pornography, Gambling and Other Addictions

Many young people think they can handle a little pornography, gambling or alcohol, for example, without getting hurt by them. That may be true for a few, but many fall into the trap of addiction and lose a big chunk of the quality of life and happiness that could have been theirs had they avoided those things. Their problems often begin when they experiment with some known vice and finally end in death … or in the death of a marriage.

Pornography is a specialist at destroying our ability to love. When viewing your spouse as an object to be used becomes a habit, instead of seeing her as the subject of tender love and affection, love is destroyed.

Alcohol and Drugs are notorious murderers, not only of marriages and families, but also of the people who overuse them. Studies show that 40% of all Americans and Canadians have close family members who are alcoholics. Children that grow up in such an environment are branded for life.

The freer we are, the greater our potential for happiness, but sometimes it’s not easy to get free. Nowadays there are social institutions that offer support and counsel to those who would like to get free from their addictions. The sooner they take care of it, the better.

Closing Thoughts

We have just considered 10 “Matrimonial Murderers” – not a very cheerful subject, but perhaps you know someone who might be helped by thinking about and recognizing the dangers hidden in these topics. You could help protect and promote the happiness of a marriage and/or family (maybe even your own) by sharing this with someone you care about. Thank you for reading, caring and sharing.

Husbands and Wives in Need

Men and women are very different. We have different ways of dealing with conflict. In this blog we will consider the feminine characteristics that bother men the most and vice versa. This is a very controversial subject, and we will surely not agree on all points! 

The Challenge 

The divorce rate is rising in most countries. This world map is based on Wikipedia-info (2014). Check out the statistics in your neighborhood.

In any case, one thing is sure: We have a problem in the area of relationships. It is a problem in every wealthy country and, unfortunately, also for Christians. We would expect Christians, of all people, to have a deeper understanding of love, but Christian or not, there are challenges to be met that are more sublte than alcoholism, infidelity and gambling. 

A Common Example

A Case in Point:

Petra reports: "Mark and I were in love when we got married. In the first few years we had some financial troubles, but we knew we loved and could depend on each other. Then slowly, something began to change. It’s hard to describe.

Five years ago he got a promotion and began working longer hours. We needed the money, but his overtime hours just never ended. Now, when he finally comes home, he is dead tired. I have so many things I want to tell him. Honestly, I get so happy just to hear his voice on the phone. After his supper, which he eats alone because I have already eaten with the children, he watches television and then goes to bed.

On Tuesday evenings there’s basketball and on Sundays he and three friends like to play golf. We also go to church, but sometimes we go for months without having a meaningful conversation. I feel so lonely in this house with our three children, who almost eat me up with their need for love.

Mark forgot our last wedding anniversary, and he doesn’t bring me roses anymore, but he would like to have sex in the evenings. Although I have absolutely no desire, I usually do my duty. After a two-minute 'romantic' interlude, he goes to sleep, leaving me with the feeling of having been used like a prostitute. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel unloved. I feel like a bad mother. And sometimes I think God probably does not love me either.

Mark and I have fought a lot lately. That’s the only time I seem to get his attention. Nagging really gets him mad. Last week we even fought in front of the children. It was terrible the things we threw at each other."

The world of work, as much as we like it, should never be allowed to consume the soul of a man. Sooner or later, there will be consequences.

A Typical Woman

The contentment a woman feels in her home, if she is a homemaker, is never higher than just after the wedding. This feeling often decreases after the birth of her first child and continues to sink as the years go by. If the marital relationship has been neglected over the years, when the children leave the nest her level of discontentment hits rock bottom. As time goes by, she slowly recuperates and remains stable through the retirement years. 

Nowadays the path of motherhood is often not the first choice, or a compromise is made in which a mother decides to have children AND work outside the home. When husbands are complacent in this matter, they also carry their share of the guilt. Any way you look at it, the family suffers. 

A Typical Man

Many men begin their job career at a low point. Generally, a man has to start at the bottom, but as he works his way up and receives more and greater emotional rewards (i.e. money) the satisfaction he feels in his work also increases. He enjoys that feeling so much he begins to get careless about his marriage. Instead, he equates his perceived value with his work. His job consumes all of his attention, and his family gets the short end of his energy. Then, when they are in their 30s and 40s, when he is strongly involved in his work and her position in the family is weakening, their quarrels begin to escalate. If the husband does not react in a wise and responsible manner, their marriage will more than likely become another statistic in the records of divorce. 

Cooking is not for everyone. That’s clear. But maybe one could help by drying the dishes or vacuuming or something else. What is it that prevents us men from getting closer to our wives? Is it that we don’t want to? Or are we over-challenged by daily life? Where have our values gone?

8 Ways Frustrated, Depressed Wives Can React

Observations by Dr. James Dobson, a very well known family therapist in the USA:

1. She can disconnect from the family and put her energy into a career outside the home. This “solution” is increasing in popularity, and they don’t necessarily wait until they’re in their thirties.
2. She can direct her aggression toward all men and join a women’s lib organization.
3. She can stay at home and wallow in an atmosphere of depression and despair and become a nagging wife who sees the negative side of every situation. 
4. She can get involved in an affair to try to compensate her lack of fulfillment. 
5. Many women in the USA escape into the world of drugs and alcohol.
6. Fewer try to get some attention through attempted suicide.
7. She can reject the responsibility of being a mother by not having children in the first place or by running away from her family.
8. In her despair, she might demand a divorce hoping to find a better husband and father for her children. 

How sad that it had to go so far! Or did it? NO! There is something better. What is it? 

What might be a better solution?

The last option (#8) is probably the most 'popular' one, but I guess we can all agree that none of those solutions is productive, positive or profitable. Do you have a better suggestion? Please take a moment and write your suggestion below. Men, please give a suggestion for how husbands might better react. I would be very happy to read your ideas.  

To be continued