Raising Kids in a Digital World - Intro

Internet, Smartphones and IPads are a part of our world and our children’s. What challenges and risks does all this technology involve? That is the question today.

Back to the Family

Is technology bringing families – your family – closer together, or rather driving them further apart?

A touchy, but important question.

Kevin and Petra have three children, ages three, seven and ten. When they are not in school, the children are either watching TV or DVDs or playing video games. Should Kevin and Petra be concerned about this? In a way, they feel powerless and have given up the fight. If they were to try to cut back on media, there would be some big repercussions. “We used to have rules, but after a time we couldn’t enforce them anymore,” Petra lamented.

Regulating the use of media is a huge challenge. Many children grow up without rules. Sometimes there is a hint of guidelines, but they are not really put into practice.

One young man I know started playing video games at the age of twelve. When he was 20, he had to go into a psychiatric ward. He had lost all social competence and could only deal with computers. He told me life with a computer was much easier. People are too complicated. Well, of course. Computers do what you tell them to do; people are another story altogether.

At school, children share and encourage each other to download information from the Internet. Fascinating world. Pure excitement. It’s cool.

Social competence must be learned and practiced at home.

Socially competent children can converse sensibly with others and appreciate them. Relationships are important to them and they enjoy many social activities. For that they need the empathy that they will have learned at home with their parents.

What does a child learn who spends a large portion of his time in front of screens? A study from 2010 in Germany showed that 95% of the children between 6 and13 watch almost 100 minutes of TV every day. On top of that, 44% of 12-13 year-olds sit and play computer games. That means they spend more time with digital media than with their parents or friends. Nowadays, many years later, the statistics must be even worse.

When children experience nature at an early age, they develop a fascination and awe of creation that has a positive impact on every part of their lives.

Pixels for People

When every fourth grader in a class has a Smartphone, your son will, of course, want one too. When they play violent games, your daughter will not want to be left out. That’s for sure. Many parents depend on media to keep the children busy when they don’t have time for them. Both parents work outside the home so that when the children come home from school, no one is there. Some parents may come to the conclusion that their children may watch all the TV they want. Four or five hours – no problem. After all, many programs are educational, and they don’t notice any negative influence on family life.

What has become of our families? How do families behave nowadays in restaurants and other public places and transportation? Aren’t the members of the average family busy texting, surfing or reading rather than giving those present at the table, in the car, or next to them in the bus their undivided attention?

Today we carry a TV screen around with us in our pockets, ever present and ready for use. Screens have migrated from being in the background to the foreground of our lives, for children as well as adults. You might say we are trading 'pixels for people'.

Smartphones satisfy many needs, both real and artificial. Young people usually have no idea of the issues involved with media use. Normally no one discusses this with them, and when discussed, children are more interested in immediate gratification.  

Limits

Many parents mean well, but are discouraged by their own limits:

·         "I have too much to do and no time to enforce rules regulating media!"

·         "My husband (or wife) would never support me in this matter!"

·         "Once when I tried it, my children flipped out and we had a huge argument."

·         "It takes a lot of energy to take a stand, hold it and explain the logic behind my decisions to the children in a way that they can understand and accept it. If I took the trouble to do that, I would also have to be consistent, which is not really a strength of mine."

Good Resolutions

This is the beginning of a series dedicated to the discovery of the neurological, psychological and educational effects of media on families and society. If you are motivated to make some good resolutions in this area, keep in mind that good resolutions alone will not produce results. However, if you as a parent, ideally with your spouse (or ex), will move forward one step at a time, you will be able to accomplish great things for your children. Years later, they will recognize what you did for them and thank you for it.

There are many good games available today that can have a positive impact on the development of the brain.

You can make positive changes that will make a difference in your children’s lives, both now and for the rest of their lives.

Warm greetings from Eastern Switzerland,

Terri & Ernst

EQ and Faith in the 21st Century

What has become of the Church over these 2000 years? Has it been replaced by more important values from the post-modern era? Have we built our own bridge from belief to capitalism? Is there still any real, reasonable belief? What does this faith look like? What characteristics would you give it?

Perhaps you, dear reader, were able to read the previously published blogs on EQ. For new readers I would like to recommend the following links:

EQ-Definition - EQ-AreasOfLife - EQ1-MarriageAndFamily -

EQ2-Job - EQ3-Health - EQ4-EveryDayLife

As a reminder: The five areas of social life:

1. MARRIAGE u FAMILY (mutual understanding based on self-image)

2. PROFESSION (dealing with colleagues, subordinates, with the boss, motivation)

3. HEALTH (healthy lifestyle promotes frontal lobe development)

4. ENVIRONMENT (privacy, public and society can see added value)

5. SPIRITUALITY (understanding and dealing with belief in a postmodern context)

Spirituality has taken root in our society. Different churches, institutions and religions ensure that our 'search for truth' is partially satisfied. But our social maturity does not testify to a good quality of our spirituality. There's a lot more to it. Luther discovered this 500 years ago and took action. Where do we stand today with the Reformation?

5. Last topic: Spirituality in our Time

Those who do not deal with faith at all and rely on the basis of evolutionist theory have some fewer challenges, but also some loss of quality of life. To do this, he will have to do without life after life entirely.

However, those who deal with biblical spirituality, possibly on a daily basis, sometimes have to endure some spiritual and spiritual battles. Not easy, but rewarding.

Man in Postmodernism

It seems important to me that we understand ourselves better. Important questions can be:

• Why am I the way I am?

• Why do I think this way and not differently?

• Where do my inner and outer values ​​come from?

Anyone who is close to the subject of 'education' as parents or at work knows that most things can be 'programmed' in us. We all go through a post-modern development system from which we cannot or can hardly protect ourselves. Most of it we are not even aware of. Unfortunately, otherwise we could defend ourselves if necessary.

Our children, as diverse as their talents and gifts may be, are geared towards one goal: to serve the economy. This defines their needs. The teaching objective is based on this. They must be able to meet postmodern demands. Our society demands it.

The question arises to me:

1. What are the Characteristics of Postmodernism?

My summary looks like this:

• Consumption (We are geared towards consumption. Shopping, media, sex, pleasure, holidays, )

• Individualism (Today's motivational question is often limited to: "What's in it for me?" We are thus designed for profit. There is no loss. Helping someone out of sheer altruism is unlikely for postmodern people.)

• Extrinsic motivation (We have given up our intrinsic motivation, practiced from birth, and have it replaced with an external one. We are motivated from the outside. The economic monopolies and politics determine our purchases, our behavior, our freedom, our values ​​... Intrinsic thinkers quickly become labeled as lateral thinkers, extremists and as 'Persona non grata', because society and tradition cannot dissuade them from their path of happiness.) (BLOG)

• Break with traditions (At the moment, this tendency is particularly noticeable in the family area. Our new gender generation is given so-called 'freedoms', from which our tradition and moral understanding had recently protected us.

• Relativity (The question of what truth is can no longer be asked today, since there is no longer any absolute truth. This question is irritating and repulsive. Everyone has their own style, their own version. Whether something is fake news or not is a matter of fact almost no role anymore. Nobody gets upset or would advocate true transparency with moral motives.)

• Living in the NOW (we have forgotten to learn from the past. Aligning ourselves to a stable future is not an issue. If we were, it would have an impact on our educational system. We would want to build a better future. But no. It works the other direction.)

• Appearance before authenticity (Postmodern people attach great importance to their appearance. The clothes, demeanor, certificates, the car as a status symbol are extremely important. Authenticity is neglected. Everything is made up, artificially brought up to scratch. Where are the values ​​how Naturalness, integrity, willingness to forgive and, last but not least, emotional intelligence that can genuinely connect people with each other?)

• Knowledge before application (We are satisfied when we have read something interesting. Applying it, integrating it into life - be it on the occasion of a serious presentation in the church - that hardly comes to mind. Knowledge is queried, not the Application of it. Is that biblical?)

The elderly among us have seen firsthand how our society has changed in recent decades. It seems to me that the speed of change has increased. The new generation is very neglected when it comes to developing the frontal lobe (BLOG). We are all challenged!

2. What are the Characteristics of Healthy Spirituality?

Postmodern then means that we are human beings who tend not to opt for absolute values, who do not see any great sense in serving basic attitudes, and if so, then we find it at most interesting. Put into practice, it usually doesn't happen. We needed help with that.

Now that we understand each other a little better and have positioned ourselves in the contemporary context, we want to consider what faith, the Christian faith, is actually about.

a) Basic Biblical Values ​​and Statements

Bible quotes are not for everyone. Personally, I did my homework and looked at this topic carefully. My conclusion: the basic text of the Bible is reliable. The translations are of varying quality. Recommend Schlachter 2000, Elberfelder and Luther.

Here is an attempt to make a statement about the Christian faith with two scriptures:

1. John 3:16> God so loved this created world of his own that He sent his own Son so that, if we accept His offer, we may be redeemed from our misery and be rewarded with a timeless, eternal life.

Isn't that a sensational offer? The possibility for everyone to get a life after this life is unique! The postmodern question of 'what's in it for me?' is answered generously.

What it means for God, however, to sacrifice his own son for us, for you and me, so that this gift becomes possible, is probably a little too difficult to understand for our thoughts and feelings. Understanding this better and better leads to a better understanding of the term LOVE. Whoever dares to do this will meet God.

2. Galatians 5: 22-23> Since God knows that we could not choose our parents, our country, our culture or the religious context, He offers us the following qualities of life because of his grace and our willingness:

• Love (Many people grow up subjectively unloved and deficient. All of us have the opportunity to fill up our love tank through close contact with HIM.)

• Joy (Paul writes: “Rejoice at all times, and again I say to you: Rejoice.” Our vertical connection helps us to do this, because it teaches us to become independent of circumstances and to respect eternal values ​​more and more.)

• Peace (To find inner peace, what a gift. Many people would or spend large sums of money on it. HE promises that whoever seeks HIM will find HIM. There all of us can be picked up.

• Patience (Would you like to be even more patient? This secondary virtue changes our relationships as well as the others. Those who have the patience have the right attitude. This is conveyed to us more and more by the Holy Spirit, for example by not following the circumstances in a human way, but in a divine way.)

• Friendliness (by considering the circumstances just mentioned, it is possible to be friendly even in difficult moments. Even loving enemies is possible!)

• Kindness (He who has understood and experienced God's goodness and grace cannot help but be kind. Such kind people will not be exploited, as they will also increase in wisdom. This is connected with emotional intelligence, especially active empathy and social competence. )

• Faith / loyalty (So we can also come to God in disbelief and pray for faith. If we are serious, then anything is possible. Loyalty indicates a constant ability to have relationships. You don't just throw relationships away.)

• Meekness (gentle courage, courage to act, to improve, gentle, controlled, benevolent, considered, constant and far-sighted. Wonderful.)

• Self-control / self-discipline (Anyone who gets to know God's values, i.e. laws, who deals with his creation as an act of love and recognizes the natural laws laid in us humans, wants to treat all of this with respect and not destroy himself. A healthy lifestyle is the result. The frontal lobe becomes strengthened and with that God can give us this discipline that will help us prepare for His soon coming.)

There is of course a lot more to mention. The four Gospels contain such profound wisdom and advice. Do not miss that.

All these good qualities can be picked up HERE, at the CROSS, at JESUS. Isn't that sensational?

b) The biblical image of God helps

God is love

• What do you mean by love? We talked about it on two blogs: Conditional and Unconditional Love

• If you were to commit your own life for that of one of your relatives, for example a blood transfusion for one of your children with the loss of your own life, that would go way beyond the postmodern understanding of love, wouldn't it? What if someone did this for you?

• Jesus, and what HE did for mankind 2000 years ago, is historically relevant and therefore shows much deeper dimensions of love. The knowledge of this love is our potential for eternity.

• In order to open oneself to this world of love, it is recommended to read the last chapters of the Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, if possible with a pleading attitude.

  God is our Redeemer

• Scripture speaks of a universal struggle. It's about the angel Lucifer, who with a third of the angels has made himself an opponent of God. This is how the term 'sin' came about. This sin leads to death. Sin is a basic attitude that wants to be independent of the life-giving God and therefore strives for autonomy. This leads away from God and therefore into death.

• This fact moved God to offer us a solution, a salvation. As described above, he dies this death for us, for you and me and thus enables us to offer us the gift of eternal life. With this we can be redeemed thanks to the love of God.
  

  God is threefold - Father, Son, Holy Spirit

• Many theologians quarrel on this matter. For me it is biblically obvious that Jesus as 'Son of God' - whatever that means universally - has taken on this most difficult task of the act of redemption. With this HE has redefined the depth of God's love.

• The function of the Holy Spirit is described in many biblical passages. He seems to be concerned about direct communication with us humans. He speaks to our frontal lobe when it is still intact. He likes to help us practically when we ask for His support.

• Jesus himself calls God his Father. Why shouldn't we do that too? Many people have difficulty doing this, however, because their human father image has suffered so much that they are unable to think of a loving Heavenly Father. But that can change.

It takes humility to personally accept such an act of love. Not all people are ready for it. Unfortunately. Otherwise it would look different in this world. Because this universally galactically relevant act has consequences, effects, consequences. This is where the spirits part about eternal life or death.

C) my contribution to faith

The Bible clearly speaks against righteousness based on our works. We cannot be saved by our works. Nevertheless, they play an important role. How does the process of salvation actually work?

1. What should we NOT do?

• Do not despair with this question.

• Do not use any literature to investigate this question. Take the Bible, please.

• Don't think that you have to be 'good' before you can get in touch with Jesus. The biblical stories show very clearly that HE showed interest especially in those who did not see themselves as 'good'.

• Never let anyone discourage you on this path. It is clear that the enemy of men (Satan) has no joy when someone chooses the friend of men (Jesus).

2. What should we do?

• Micah 6:8 "You have been told, man, what is good and what the Lord asks of you. That is, to keep God's word and practice love and be humble before your God."

• Isaiah 45:22: "Look at me and you will be saved."

• The final chapters of the four gospels help us to see HIM and what HE has done for you.

• If the love of God in Jesus has spoken to us, then HE is happy and waits until we acknowledge HIM and become a team. Many people testify to this process in baptism, just as Jesus himself did.

• Jacob 2:22 says that the works make the faith perfect. Works are important. But they should be a consequence of love. Our motivation counts for God. (Prov 16: 2)

• In order to know the truth, we must seek it with all our hearts and be ready to follow it.

• God has given us the power of decision (free will). We should practice this ability by adjusting our decisions to God's Word every day. When we do that, He will direct our will and our deeds according to His pleasure.

Following Jesus is sometimes associated with great challenges. It is HIS interest that through this our character can prepare for his return. After all, HE has already prepared an apartment for us!

1. Where are the limits crossed?

• A life with Christ will sooner or later lead to the realization that we cannot rely on ourselves. So the process of giving up on yourself and giving the place to Christ within us is the only solution. Whoever does not come to this insight and is not ready for it, for whatever reason, will ultimately not be 'recognized' by Christ. This process is a big challenge.

• God has given us free will. Constantly using this against God can lead to the fact that one is programmed in such a way that a change is no longer possible. However, this depends less on age than on conscious or unconscious involvement with the occult side.
  

  2. How do we keep the balance?

• As long as Jesus lives in the heart, His presence can be felt. This creates good and pleasant words. Anger and attachment go away.

• Developing awareness that thoughts produce action. This can lead to habits that ultimately affect character. This daily reflection on our thoughts and actions and their focus on Jesus allows us to keep our balance.

• When we make mistakes, the best place is the cross where we can unload everything. HE helps us to stop making these mistakes sooner or later.

• The awareness that we are God's children and therefore even have bodyguards promotes our daily decisions.

• "Rejoice, and again I say to you: Rejoice!" That's how excited Paul is about Jesus. All the circumstances can no longer make him sad. He has learned to deepen his relationship with Jesus so that all circumstances are measured by divine standards.

• Live the healthy lifestyle that has been spoken of many times. Living healthy promotes the frontal lobe. With it God can communicate better with us.
  

  EQ and spirituality

• You have probably noticed that when it comes to living a Christian life, it is actually about active empathy and social skills.

• Those who have a high EQ have the potential for a mature living out of Christianity and are wonderfully suited to be a missionary of God.

• Charity is the foundation of emotional intelligence as well as Christianity. Egoism disturbs EQ in the same way as it makes life more difficult.

Those who want to live charity have some important decisions to make. No trophy can be achieved with this. Maybe even rejection. But standing up for others makes you happy inside. Selflessness is a virtue that is divine. The reward will follow later.

Congratulations on making it to the end. God bless you, dear reader.

7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

It’s only natural for problems to arise when people get together. Sometimes situations can even be explosive. These problems often involve difficult people.

Perhaps you have heard something like the following:

• "We were always such good friends, but something trivial changed everything and now we’re enemies."

• "There’s a big kerfuffle in our family. It takes a lot of energy to live with."

• "If such and such goes, I certainly won’t!"

When would you describe a person as difficult?

• Is it a person you don’t like?

• Is it your choleric boss, who yells a lot and seems not to appreciate anyone?

• Is it a person who often points out your mistakes and is not supportive?

• Is it someone who does not fulfill your expectations and always causes you disappointment?

• Is it your neighbor, who often says untrue things about you?

• Is it the person who always talks and almost never listens, or always forgets what you said anyway?

• Is it that shy person who would rather be alone?

Research shows that good relationships improve our productivity and moods. It seems logical enough. And the opposite is also true: bad relationships destroy our performance and have a negative influence on our emotions.

It is important that we learn to fight for what matters. The question is, what does it mean to fight and how shall we do it?

7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who are similar to us, or who are supportive and have a positive effect on us. Such people are interesting. Sometimes, however, we don’t have the option of choosing to spend time with a person or not and are forced to get along with him or her.

1. Get to Know the Person Better

• Every person has a past. Understanding a person’s past is a key to understanding the person.

• Every person wants to be accepted and loved. What is his or her love language? What are his or her pet peeves?

• Maybe you have some points in common, which could have a positive effect.

• The best way to “fight” against “opponents” is by showing interest them and their needs. As soon as they notice it, they will sense they are being taken seriously and may feel freer to change their own attitude toward you.

We all have different faces. Look at the picture on the right and try to accept it! Can you do that? Not so easy, is it? The face on the left shows the man is probably quite a nice guy, right?

2. Don’t Take It Personally

• Take a look in the mirror and recognize your own hypersensitivity, which can accentuate any irritations.

• Try to view difficult situations within the context of the big picture. We tend to take things much too personally, when they are not meant to be that way.

• Some people want to have enemies, because it makes them feel more important.

• Staying in balance is important, but sometimes easier said than done.

3. Set Sensible Boundaries

• When emotions are out of balance, relationships are jeopardized. It is important to communicate well, with clear rules. I-messages are best (I have a problem; not YOU have to do).

• Depending on my own strength and self-worth, I can find words and reactions that can calm and convince even a choleric superior. When I know who I am, I can stand up for myself without losing my cool. 

It’s important to wait for an opportune moment and favorable circumstances to discuss our differences. If we can locate and respect the thresholds of pain between our respective needs, we will be more likely to make good decisions about what changes can and should be made or not.

4. Change Only What Can Be Changed

• We often want to have things our way. Others have the same wish. This is what leads to power struggles. The minute an argument turns emotional, reason and logic are sacrificed and trivialities suddenly seem important.

• When an important change has to be made, taking small steps is often the best way to implement it.

5. Solutions are Needed, Not Problems

• People who concentrate on problems, cause unnecessary negative feelings and stress.

• Our pride often makes it hard for us to remain neutral. If we were just a bit more humble, many problems could be solved in only five minutes! There is more potential in all our relationships.

6. Controlling Our Inner Voice

• Negative feelings have an uncanny way of nesting in our souls to the detriment of our thoughts and deeds. Self-awareness and much attention are needed in order to exchange these destructive thoughts and feelings for benevolent content.

• People who have difficulties controlling their thoughts should rethink their lifestyle. There are many opportunities and ways to strengthen one’s frontal lobe (our control center), for example: balanced exercise, healthy diet, times for relaxation, and good communication.

Take a critical look at people who are in good physical condition. Do you know any who tend to lose their emotional cool easily?

7. Understand the Situation

• Many motives lie hidden in the background, barely visible. Getting to the bottom of these can be key to learning to deal with difficulties. The more unbalanced a person is, the more extreme their actions and reactions will be. Some possible motives that often remain undiscovered are:

o   The person sees you as a danger or rival, someone to be fought against.

o   The person has a self-hatred. This always leads to difficulties in relationships. (See blog on Self-hatred and self-love.) 

o   The person is jealous or envious and either consciously or subconsciously would like to be like you. (See blog on fear of loss.) 

Maybe it’s time to take a walk alone to your favorite spot out in nature and take some time for reflection. Nature is one of God’s books, like the Bible. If we take time to observe, we can discover connections, principles and ideas that can help us on our journey.

In the next few blogs, we will think about how to deal with toxic thoughts and feelings. Until next time, wishing you all the best.

Conditional Love - Good or Bad?

As long as we walk in lockstep, everything is fine. What if not ?

All children grow up with conditional love. Her name is:

If you do what I want you will be fine.

"Thank you!" we say when the child does something nice to us. Isn't that conditional love, which shows that I reward good behavior with a thank you or even something sweet?

How does your reward system work? How do you use it and how do you react to reward yourself? It is said that money as a reward usually only has a short effect.

Our everyday learning processes shape us

1. Learning through identification and imitation

• .

• The joy of learning lies here in the person to be imitated
  
  Children see how we act and react and imitate ourselves.

• If we then pay attention to their behavior and reinforce it with our reaction, then we 'reward' or 'punish' their behavior.

• Allow me to call that conditional love. We give the child some kind of love, that is, important attention, because of his good or bad behavior.

What we show the children, they imitate us, whether we like it or not!

2. Trial and error learning

• Example: A child tries to tie his shoes. Not easy. It takes several attempts to succeed.

• The joy of learning lies in achieving goals in terms of skills (ability and knowledge).

• A large area of child learning occurs through this method.

• If the child makes the experiment independently of other people, then it is a neutral form of learning in this context.

• But as soon as we point out the error or the solution, then we enter into a relationship. We try to help when the person seeking help allows. Let's call this conditional love, since an error made our attention necessary.

This form of learning is important and helps the child to gain experience with himself. (Self worth). It is said that this is the most welcome form of adult learning. (Computer__)

3. Learning through insight

• Example: Children build a tower with different blocks. Certain children will notice that it is advantageous for stability if the large blocks are placed below and the smaller blocks above.

• The joy of this cognitive learning lies in the observation.

• The older a child is, the more it can gain insights for itself through developed logic.

• Of course, parents and teachers are happy to help promote this learning behavior. "That's logical!" we use to say.

• If we participate in this learning process in a balanced manner, the child can benefit a lot. If we do it in deficit (e.g. we are nervous, aggressive, disinterested), the child will be irritated because it cannot yet understand us.

The older we get, the more we can learn with this method for our school of life.

4. Learning through conditioning

• Example: "If you finish everything, you will get an ice cream."

• The joy of learning arises here from the attractiveness of the reward.

• There is, for example, classical conditioning, where I use a stimulus to first get the child to do something. That means, I reward them when they show this or that behavior. I will punish you if it is wrong.

• Parents who are particularly willing to bring up live this parenting method. Because this is the easiest way to control the child. They give attention and love wherever they want to take the child. Conditional funding. Conditional expression of parental love.

• ATTENTION: Such rewards should only introduce new behavior, but not dominate the child's behavior. The child must not become dependent on rewards, otherwise they will not actually have included the new behavior in their intrinsic motivation. As soon as the stimulus is no longer there, the 'learned' behavior also disappears. Such children learn to become lazy and demotivated.

Children can get so used to rewards that nothing works without them. This changes your intrinsic motivation into an extrinic one (from the outside), which can have a major impact on your life.

Let's summarize so far:

As soon as we come into contact with a child, a relationship quality that has to do with love becomes apparent. Acceptance or rejection, we find ourselves in this area of tension. In any case, this is how the child perceives it, even if we are not aware of it. Children are very sensitive to this. They perceive love or rejection as such immediately. To be valued is their basic need. You look for mirrored in the love of your mother. In this way they can perceive themselves as an individual who is accepted and loved.

Hugs from daddy and mommy are irreplaceable. Forming a unit together is probably the ultimate experience! This also applies to us adults, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, this happens little enough that many children go hungry. They don't just want to put up with and accept this hunger for love. No. You are doing everything you can to somehow resolve this dilemma. Depending on their child's reaction potential, they try, among other things, with screaming, anger, withdrawal, sadness and aggression. Depending on their age, they try to match the value system of their parents. E.g. performance praise, perfectionism, obedience ...

Getting sick is especially worthwhile. Because then the mother finally has time and is especially nice. This is how the child learns that they must have a handicap in order to be loved. This behavior is also lived as an adult. Dear 'Invalid' and cared for, so 'normal' and left alone.

We are best taken care of when we feel bad. Whoever has achieved this can turn it into a love-win game. Many people fill their empty emotional love tank in this way. This often seems like the best survival strategy.

Much of our behavior is conditional. Our relationship world works like this. If I act naughty, my surroundings punish me. You know that from your professional world. Conditions everywhere. You get your wages when you have performed well.

Because we are out to make a profit - see the blog - this system works so well.

What is GOOD and what is BAD about it?

Nature alone forces conditional love on us, because she has something against it if we jump down from the fifth floor onto the concrete floor. Our life is structured in such a way that we learn to respect natural boundaries. That is vital.

It is important for children to get to know these limits and their characteristics. This will help them learn what is important to your life.

If this learning is encouraged by parents who are really interested in balance and in the upbringing of the child, then there is a good chance that they can also apply good forms of conditional love.

However, if the parents are trapped in their own deficits and thus additionally stressed or booked out through work, so that upbringing becomes a necessary evil, then this will also affect the spontaneous applications of conditioned love. This can mean:

• too strict training (excessive demands on the child)

• too weak promotion (insufficient demand), neglect

• Continuous baiting (constant and excessive rewards) leads to reward addiction. The child only does something for a sugar. Otherwise nothing works. It becomes lazy or lacking in motivation and will need motivation and pressure from others to coercion in life in order to move forward.

• own ambition - usually more practiced in the first child - leaves the child less room to learn and can turn them into a perfectionist.

A sensible penalty system can certainly lead to success. For many children, imbalanced punishment leads to resignation or rebellion. This will put additional strain on their ability to form relationships.

Theological Dimension

If the child grows up within a conditioned love system, then they will understand the love of other people and God's love in this way. Theologically this will be expressed in a work righteousness where someone tries to earn eternal life through their own good works. The dimension of faith righteousness can only be recognized through an understanding of unconditional love. (see blog)

• In a marriage it can show up like this:

• If you love me, then I love you too

• I love you as long as you love me

• I love you as long as I feel like it

• If you keep insulting me, I'll make the wall and just stop listening

• He gave me a big present for my birthday, then I'll give him one too.

• If you do me a favor, I'll do you a favor too

• If you piss me off, I'll piss back

• If you accuse me (and it doesn't have to be meant that way), I'll defend myself immediately

• I will not forgive you for this mistake

• I can only give you as much trust as you deserve

The scope for behavior is visibly limited. Such lived relationships are usually stressful and hardly lead to mature love. This requires the unconditional love component. (see relevant blog).

Summary

We have seen that the conditioned component of love plays an important, even vital role in our lives. Our health depends on it, namely on keeping the laws of life. We have to learn to observe rules and limits, principles and regulations. If these are balanced, sensible, life-affirming, that is for our well-being and for our quality of life.

As soon as the conditions are administered by people who are malicious or neglectful, disinterested and seem over- or under-demanding, then fear tends to be promoted and thus love is diminished or prevented.

So conditional love can be good or bad!

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