As long as we walk in lockstep, everything is fine. What if not ?
All children grow up with conditional love. Her name is:
If you do what I want you will be fine.
"Thank you!" we say when the child does something nice to us. Isn't that conditional love, which shows that I reward good behavior with a thank you or even something sweet?
How does your reward system work? How do you use it and how do you react to reward yourself? It is said that money as a reward usually only has a short effect.
Our everyday learning processes shape us
1. Learning through identification and imitation
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The joy of learning lies here in the person to be imitated
Children see how we act and react and imitate ourselves.If we then pay attention to their behavior and reinforce it with our reaction, then we 'reward' or 'punish' their behavior.
Allow me to call that conditional love. We give the child some kind of love, that is, important attention, because of his good or bad behavior.
What we show the children, they imitate us, whether we like it or not!
2. Trial and error learning
Example: A child tries to tie his shoes. Not easy. It takes several attempts to succeed.
The joy of learning lies in achieving goals in terms of skills (ability and knowledge).
A large area of child learning occurs through this method.
If the child makes the experiment independently of other people, then it is a neutral form of learning in this context.
But as soon as we point out the error or the solution, then we enter into a relationship. We try to help when the person seeking help allows. Let's call this conditional love, since an error made our attention necessary.
This form of learning is important and helps the child to gain experience with himself. (Self worth). It is said that this is the most welcome form of adult learning. (Computer__)
3. Learning through insight
Example: Children build a tower with different blocks. Certain children will notice that it is advantageous for stability if the large blocks are placed below and the smaller blocks above.
The joy of this cognitive learning lies in the observation.
The older a child is, the more it can gain insights for itself through developed logic.
Of course, parents and teachers are happy to help promote this learning behavior. "That's logical!" we use to say.
If we participate in this learning process in a balanced manner, the child can benefit a lot. If we do it in deficit (e.g. we are nervous, aggressive, disinterested), the child will be irritated because it cannot yet understand us.
The older we get, the more we can learn with this method for our school of life.
4. Learning through conditioning
Example: "If you finish everything, you will get an ice cream."
The joy of learning arises here from the attractiveness of the reward.
There is, for example, classical conditioning, where I use a stimulus to first get the child to do something. That means, I reward them when they show this or that behavior. I will punish you if it is wrong.
Parents who are particularly willing to bring up live this parenting method. Because this is the easiest way to control the child. They give attention and love wherever they want to take the child. Conditional funding. Conditional expression of parental love.
ATTENTION: Such rewards should only introduce new behavior, but not dominate the child's behavior. The child must not become dependent on rewards, otherwise they will not actually have included the new behavior in their intrinsic motivation. As soon as the stimulus is no longer there, the 'learned' behavior also disappears. Such children learn to become lazy and demotivated.
Children can get so used to rewards that nothing works without them. This changes your intrinsic motivation into an extrinic one (from the outside), which can have a major impact on your life.
Let's summarize so far:
As soon as we come into contact with a child, a relationship quality that has to do with love becomes apparent. Acceptance or rejection, we find ourselves in this area of tension. In any case, this is how the child perceives it, even if we are not aware of it. Children are very sensitive to this. They perceive love or rejection as such immediately. To be valued is their basic need. You look for mirrored in the love of your mother. In this way they can perceive themselves as an individual who is accepted and loved.
Hugs from daddy and mommy are irreplaceable. Forming a unit together is probably the ultimate experience! This also applies to us adults, doesn't it?
Unfortunately, this happens little enough that many children go hungry. They don't just want to put up with and accept this hunger for love. No. You are doing everything you can to somehow resolve this dilemma. Depending on their child's reaction potential, they try, among other things, with screaming, anger, withdrawal, sadness and aggression. Depending on their age, they try to match the value system of their parents. E.g. performance praise, perfectionism, obedience ...
Getting sick is especially worthwhile. Because then the mother finally has time and is especially nice. This is how the child learns that they must have a handicap in order to be loved. This behavior is also lived as an adult. Dear 'Invalid' and cared for, so 'normal' and left alone.
We are best taken care of when we feel bad. Whoever has achieved this can turn it into a love-win game. Many people fill their empty emotional love tank in this way. This often seems like the best survival strategy.
Much of our behavior is conditional. Our relationship world works like this. If I act naughty, my surroundings punish me. You know that from your professional world. Conditions everywhere. You get your wages when you have performed well.
Because we are out to make a profit - see the blog - this system works so well.
What is GOOD and what is BAD about it?
Nature alone forces conditional love on us, because she has something against it if we jump down from the fifth floor onto the concrete floor. Our life is structured in such a way that we learn to respect natural boundaries. That is vital.
It is important for children to get to know these limits and their characteristics. This will help them learn what is important to your life.
If this learning is encouraged by parents who are really interested in balance and in the upbringing of the child, then there is a good chance that they can also apply good forms of conditional love.
However, if the parents are trapped in their own deficits and thus additionally stressed or booked out through work, so that upbringing becomes a necessary evil, then this will also affect the spontaneous applications of conditioned love. This can mean:
too strict training (excessive demands on the child)
too weak promotion (insufficient demand), neglect
Continuous baiting (constant and excessive rewards) leads to reward addiction. The child only does something for a sugar. Otherwise nothing works. It becomes lazy or lacking in motivation and will need motivation and pressure from others to coercion in life in order to move forward.
own ambition - usually more practiced in the first child - leaves the child less room to learn and can turn them into a perfectionist.
A sensible penalty system can certainly lead to success. For many children, imbalanced punishment leads to resignation or rebellion. This will put additional strain on their ability to form relationships.
Theological Dimension
If the child grows up within a conditioned love system, then they will understand the love of other people and God's love in this way. Theologically this will be expressed in a work righteousness where someone tries to earn eternal life through their own good works. The dimension of faith righteousness can only be recognized through an understanding of unconditional love. (see blog)
In a marriage it can show up like this:
If you love me, then I love you too
I love you as long as you love me
I love you as long as I feel like it
If you keep insulting me, I'll make the wall and just stop listening
He gave me a big present for my birthday, then I'll give him one too.
If you do me a favor, I'll do you a favor too
If you piss me off, I'll piss back
If you accuse me (and it doesn't have to be meant that way), I'll defend myself immediately
I will not forgive you for this mistake
I can only give you as much trust as you deserve
The scope for behavior is visibly limited. Such lived relationships are usually stressful and hardly lead to mature love. This requires the unconditional love component. (see relevant blog).
Summary
We have seen that the conditioned component of love plays an important, even vital role in our lives. Our health depends on it, namely on keeping the laws of life. We have to learn to observe rules and limits, principles and regulations. If these are balanced, sensible, life-affirming, that is for our well-being and for our quality of life.
As soon as the conditions are administered by people who are malicious or neglectful, disinterested and seem over- or under-demanding, then fear tends to be promoted and thus love is diminished or prevented.
So conditional love can be good or bad!
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