It’s only natural for problems to arise when people get together. Sometimes situations can even be explosive. These problems often involve difficult people.
Perhaps you have heard something like the following:
"We were always such good friends, but something trivial changed everything and now we’re enemies."
"There’s a big kerfuffle in our family. It takes a lot of energy to live with."
"If such and such goes, I certainly won’t!"
When would you describe a person as difficult?
Is it a person you don’t like?
Is it your choleric boss, who yells a lot and seems not to appreciate anyone?
Is it a person who often points out your mistakes and is not supportive?
Is it someone who does not fulfill your expectations and always causes you disappointment?
Is it your neighbor, who often says untrue things about you?
Is it the person who always talks and almost never listens, or always forgets what you said anyway?
Is it that shy person who would rather be alone?
Research shows that good relationships improve our productivity and moods. It seems logical enough. And the opposite is also true: bad relationships destroy our performance and have a negative influence on our emotions.
It is important that we learn to fight for what matters. The question is, what does it mean to fight and how shall we do it?
7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
We have a tendency to surround ourselves with people who are similar to us, or who are supportive and have a positive effect on us. Such people are interesting. Sometimes, however, we don’t have the option of choosing to spend time with a person or not and are forced to get along with him or her.
1. Get to Know the Person Better
Every person has a past. Understanding a person’s past is a key to understanding the person.
Every person wants to be accepted and loved. What is his or her love language? What are his or her pet peeves?
Maybe you have some points in common, which could have a positive effect.
The best way to “fight” against “opponents” is by showing interest them and their needs. As soon as they notice it, they will sense they are being taken seriously and may feel freer to change their own attitude toward you.
We all have different faces. Look at the picture on the right and try to accept it! Can you do that? Not so easy, is it? The face on the left shows the man is probably quite a nice guy, right?
2. Don’t Take It Personally
Take a look in the mirror and recognize your own hypersensitivity, which can accentuate any irritations.
Try to view difficult situations within the context of the big picture. We tend to take things much too personally, when they are not meant to be that way.
Some people want to have enemies, because it makes them feel more important.
Staying in balance is important, but sometimes easier said than done.
3. Set Sensible Boundaries
When emotions are out of balance, relationships are jeopardized. It is important to communicate well, with clear rules. I-messages are best (I have a problem; not YOU have to do).
Depending on my own strength and self-worth, I can find words and reactions that can calm and convince even a choleric superior. When I know who I am, I can stand up for myself without losing my cool.
It’s important to wait for an opportune moment and favorable circumstances to discuss our differences. If we can locate and respect the thresholds of pain between our respective needs, we will be more likely to make good decisions about what changes can and should be made or not.
4. Change Only What Can Be Changed
We often want to have things our way. Others have the same wish. This is what leads to power struggles. The minute an argument turns emotional, reason and logic are sacrificed and trivialities suddenly seem important.
When an important change has to be made, taking small steps is often the best way to implement it.
5. Solutions are Needed, Not Problems
People who concentrate on problems, cause unnecessary negative feelings and stress.
Our pride often makes it hard for us to remain neutral. If we were just a bit more humble, many problems could be solved in only five minutes! There is more potential in all our relationships.
6. Controlling Our Inner Voice
Negative feelings have an uncanny way of nesting in our souls to the detriment of our thoughts and deeds. Self-awareness and much attention are needed in order to exchange these destructive thoughts and feelings for benevolent content.
People who have difficulties controlling their thoughts should rethink their lifestyle. There are many opportunities and ways to strengthen one’s frontal lobe (our control center), for example: balanced exercise, healthy diet, times for relaxation, and good communication.
Take a critical look at people who are in good physical condition. Do you know any who tend to lose their emotional cool easily?
7. Understand the Situation
Many motives lie hidden in the background, barely visible. Getting to the bottom of these can be key to learning to deal with difficulties. The more unbalanced a person is, the more extreme their actions and reactions will be. Some possible motives that often remain undiscovered are:
o The person sees you as a danger or rival, someone to be fought against.
o The person has a self-hatred. This always leads to difficulties in relationships. (See blog on Self-hatred and self-love.)
o The person is jealous or envious and either consciously or subconsciously would like to be like you. (See blog on fear of loss.)
Maybe it’s time to take a walk alone to your favorite spot out in nature and take some time for reflection. Nature is one of God’s books, like the Bible. If we take time to observe, we can discover connections, principles and ideas that can help us on our journey.
In the next few blogs, we will think about how to deal with toxic thoughts and feelings. Until next time, wishing you all the best.
