It will take some time before you can be sure what your child's love language(s) is (are). But with a little dedective instinct you can find out. And how worth it is !
You can get to know the 5 love languages here:
LS1-Tenderness LS2-Praise LS3-Attention LS4-Gifts LS5-Help
The search for the language of love
It is important that you consider the following two steps when searching:
Find out about the 5 love languages and reflect them on your child (see 5LS-O)
Acquire the love languages you are missing so that you can really love
To step 1:
Such information can include reading through all relevant blogs and noting down important thoughts and internalizing them. I also recommend taking the test so that you can orientate yourself and know where you are and where you are not. It is an advantage if both parents receive further training.
To step 2:
Especially those who have children under the age of 5 should learn to speak all languages. This also has important advantages for marriage. Practice makes perfect - that also applies here. Those who have access to the divine source of love (Jesus) are of course at an advantage. HE is the master of love, and when HE introduces you to this topic, then it becomes really exciting and healing. You can try without HIM, but you never get where you would get with HIM.
While searching for your child's love language (s), do not discuss it with the child - especially teenagers. They could take advantage of it and, for example, claim that gifts are their language. And then they would certainly have a suggestion.
Usually both parents are interested in the success of their educational efforts. That would then be a privilege for the child. Parents who want to achieve goals together grow strong. But if you are alone, perhaps alone in a wide hallway, do not be discouraged. Every minute that you invest in this topic and try to implement it will produce its reward. Sometimes much later. Similar to gardening.
We can find out our children's love language in five steps. Here you are:
The Five Steps
Step 1:
Notice how your child expresses their love for YOU
As you watch your child, you may notice that they are already living a love language. For example, if your seven-year-old sometimes praises her, then praise and recognition will be their language.
This step works best between ages 5-10. After that, he can lose himself because, depending on their 'cleverness', young people can sometimes manipulate relationships.
Many children love to play with their parents. This can be very valuable time to convey attention, help, and praise. A game where nobody loses and all parties are winners are particularly valued. Since the love tank can be filled again. Take the time you need. (Also applies to the fathers :-)
Step 2:
Notice how your child expresses their love for OTHERS
If your child keeps expressing the wish to bring a present to the teacher, then giving presents is his language of love. Of course, provided that you weren't the driving force behind it yourself.
Step 3:
Notice what your child ASKS for the most often
If your child often asks you to play, walk or read with them, then they want attention and closeness. He wants to spend time with you and longs for your undivided attention. Sure, all children want that, but one with this language expresses the request for attention noticeably often.
If your child constantly wants to judge their performance from you, then praise and recognition could be their language. "Mommy, how do you like my picture?" or "Didn't I finish schoolwork quickly?" Sure, all children want praise. The conspicuity makes it.
Step 4:
Pay attention to what your child COMPLAINS about most often
A lack or need can also be expressed with a lawsuit. "Papi, you never have time for me!" With this complaint, the child is asking for attention. Or it could be just parroting the motherly words.
Every child complains now and then. When it comes to spontaneous wishes and needs, that doesn't mean anything. But if it happens regularly, then that could be a clue. The more often, the clearer it is.
Step 5:
Offer your child alternatives
Father: "Kevin, I'm free tomorrow afternoon too. We could do something together. Do you have a suggestion? Should we go fishing or should I buy you a pair of soccer shoes?" This allows Kevin to choose between two languages.
Mother: "I have some time tonight. Should we go for a walk or should I change your new dress for you?" The decision between affection and love service then follows. Or it can also happen that the child suggests a third option.
Older children in particular could notice your 'change of strategy'. If there is a corresponding dialogue, then you can explain your motivation to him that you are thinking more about the family.
"Should we go play football together or should I help you with your homework?" You don't need to ask this boy this question often. Although he desperately needs help with homework, nothing beats football. As parents, we have to keep a cool head. So offer alternatives that are balanced.
Some level-specific suggestions
The five year old child
The suggestions you make are always based on the age and needs of the child.
"Should I quickly make something to eat for you or should we go to the playground together first?" (Courtesy <=> attention)
"If I'm going away for a few days now, should I bring you a present or should I say something good to you on the phone in the evening?" (Gifts <=> appreciation)
The ten year old child
"Would you like a new bike for my birthday or a travel voucher for a trip with me?" (Gifts <=> donation)
"Should I mend your computer or should we play football outside?" (Courtesy <=> care and body contact)
"What would you prefer if I come and watch the game or get you new tights?" (Donation <=> gifts)
Teenager
"Should we fix your moped together or should I fix it myself?" (Donation <=> favors)
"We're home alone tonight. Should we go out to eat or should I make you your favorite pizza?" (Donation <=> favors)
"Show me your good math exam - or should I massage your back?" (Praise and recognition <=> physical contact)
If you want to do it particularly well, then you can evenly distribute the five languages in 20 such suggestions. This will give you a meaningful result. You can also devote a week to a love language, then pause a week and then turn to the next. This allows you to become professional and internalize any language.
With teenagers in particular, it is a challenge to strike the right note. They are often somewhat mood-dependent. Hence, it is not easy to fill your tank. There are times when they test us and act more surly than they really are. Such passive resistance is then a test for the parents. If we then remain calm and relaxed and not get angry and express ourselves negatively, then we can avoid an additional increase in rebellion.
How nice it is for a child to be understood and loved. If we parents and grandparents were to develop our love skills a little more, our children would benefit even more. I would like to invite and encourage you to do so. There is nothing more important than love. Don't you agree?
Example Pietro (13)
At thirteen, Pietro began to put his parents to the test. His father reacted irritated at first. But then he realized that he had neglected Pietro's love language (affection and togetherness). So he planned to spend a whole weekend alone with him. Then on Sunday evening of all places, when his father had to leave, Pietro asked him if he actually loved him. Many parents fail such a test and spoil everything with accusations. The father could have reacted offended and reproached him with his love services.
However, he was wise and noted that this was an important question and that he would be happy to answer it when he gets back. They agreed on a date. This has given him time to properly prepare for this most important of all questions.
Closing Remarks
Just as growing up is a maturation process, so is learning love languages. Flexibility is an advantage for those parents who can speak all languages. Mistakes are allowed. If there is anything to be learned from them, they were actually useful. With this in mind, I wish you God's help and inspiration to bring love into family and marriage.
This is the end of the topic of 'love languages'. Thank you for persevering.