Blog — Ernst Zwiker

Finding Out Your Child's Love Language - How Does It Work?

....Es wird einige Zeit dauern, bis Sie sicher sein können, welches die Liebessprache(n) Ihres Kindes ist/sind. Aber mit einem kleinen dedektivischen Spürsinn kann man es herausfinden. Und wie sich das lohnt !..It will take some time before you can …

It will take some time before you can be sure what your child's love language(s) is (are). But with a little dedective instinct you can find out. And how worth it is !

You can get to know the 5 love languages ​​here:
LS1-Tenderness LS2-Praise LS3-Attention LS4-Gifts LS5-Help

The search for the language of love

It is important that you consider the following two steps when searching:

  • Find out about the 5 love languages ​​and reflect them on your child (see 5LS-O)

  • Acquire the love languages ​​you are missing so that you can really love

To step 1:

Such information can include reading through all relevant blogs and noting down important thoughts and internalizing them. I also recommend taking the test so that you can orientate yourself and know where you are and where you are not. It is an advantage if both parents receive further training.

To step 2:

Especially those who have children under the age of 5 should learn to speak all languages. This also has important advantages for marriage. Practice makes perfect - that also applies here. Those who have access to the divine source of love (Jesus) are of course at an advantage. HE is the master of love, and when HE introduces you to this topic, then it becomes really exciting and healing. You can try without HIM, but you never get where you would get with HIM.

While searching for your child's love language (s), do not discuss it with the child - especially teenagers. They could take advantage of it and, for example, claim that gifts are their language. And then they would certainly have a suggestion.

....Meistens sind beide Elternteile am Gelingen ihrer erzieherischen Bemühungen interessiert. Das wäre dann ein Privileg für das Kind. Eltern, die zusammen Ziele erreichen wollen, werden stark. Sollten Sie aber alleine sein, vielleicht alleine auf w…

Usually both parents are interested in the success of their educational efforts. That would then be a privilege for the child. Parents who want to achieve goals together grow strong. But if you are alone, perhaps alone in a wide hallway, do not be discouraged. Every minute that you invest in this topic and try to implement it will produce its reward. Sometimes much later. Similar to gardening.

We can find out our children's love language in five steps. Here you are:

The Five Steps

Step 1:

Notice how your child expresses their love for YOU

As you watch your child, you may notice that they are already living a love language. For example, if your seven-year-old sometimes praises her, then praise and recognition will be their language.

This step works best between ages 5-10. After that, he can lose himself because, depending on their 'cleverness', young people can sometimes manipulate relationships.

....Viele Kinder lieben es, mit ihren Eltern zu spielen. Das kann sehr wertvolle Zeit sein, um Aufmerksamkeit, Hilfestellung und Lob zu übermitteln. Ein Spiel, wo niemand verlieren und alle Beteiligten Gewinner sind, werden besonders geschätzt. Da k…

Many children love to play with their parents. This can be very valuable time to convey attention, help, and praise. A game where nobody loses and all parties are winners are particularly valued. Since the love tank can be filled again. Take the time you need. (Also applies to the fathers :-)

....Häufig wird das Bedürfnis der Jungs nach Körperkontakt vor allem mit dem Vater etwas vernachlässigt. Sie spielen und tollen so gerne mit ihm. Damit ist ein beträcht-licher Teil ihres Selbstwertes verbunden. Die Meinung ihres Vaters über sie ist …

Step 2:

Notice how your child expresses their love for OTHERS

If your child keeps expressing the wish to bring a present to the teacher, then giving presents is his language of love. Of course, provided that you weren't the driving force behind it yourself.

Step 3:
Notice what your child ASKS for the most often

If your child often asks you to play, walk or read with them, then they want attention and closeness. He wants to spend time with you and longs for your undivided attention. Sure, all children want that, but one with this language expresses the request for attention noticeably often.

If your child constantly wants to judge their performance from you, then praise and recognition could be their language. "Mommy, how do you like my picture?" or "Didn't I finish schoolwork quickly?" Sure, all children want praise. The conspicuity makes it.

Step 4:
Pay attention to what your child COMPLAINS about most often

A lack or need can also be expressed with a lawsuit. "Papi, you never have time for me!" With this complaint, the child is asking for attention. Or it could be just parroting the motherly words.

Every child complains now and then. When it comes to spontaneous wishes and needs, that doesn't mean anything. But if it happens regularly, then that could be a clue. The more often, the clearer it is.

Step 5:

Offer your child alternatives

Father: "Kevin, I'm free tomorrow afternoon too. We could do something together. Do you have a suggestion? Should we go fishing or should I buy you a pair of soccer shoes?" This allows Kevin to choose between two languages.

Mother: "I have some time tonight. Should we go for a walk or should I change your new dress for you?" The decision between affection and love service then follows. Or it can also happen that the child suggests a third option.

Older children in particular could notice your 'change of strategy'. If there is a corresponding dialogue, then you can explain your motivation to him that you are thinking more about the family.

...."Sollen wir zusammen Fussball spielen gehen oder soll ich dir bei den Hausaufgaben helfen?" Diese Frage brauchen Sie diesem Jungen nicht oft zu stellen. Obwohl er die Hilfe bei den Hausaufgaben dringend benötigen würde, geht nichts über Fussball…

"Should we go play football together or should I help you with your homework?" You don't need to ask this boy this question often. Although he desperately needs help with homework, nothing beats football. As parents, we have to keep a cool head. So offer alternatives that are balanced.

Some level-specific suggestions

The five year old child

The suggestions you make are always based on the age and needs of the child.

"Should I quickly make something to eat for you or should we go to the playground together first?" (Courtesy <=> attention)

"If I'm going away for a few days now, should I bring you a present or should I say something good to you on the phone in the evening?" (Gifts <=> appreciation)

The ten year old child

"Would you like a new bike for my birthday or a travel voucher for a trip with me?" (Gifts <=> donation)

"Should I mend your computer or should we play football outside?" (Courtesy <=> care and body contact)

"What would you prefer if I come and watch the game or get you new tights?" (Donation <=> gifts)

Teenager

"Should we fix your moped together or should I fix it myself?" (Donation <=> favors)

"We're home alone tonight. Should we go out to eat or should I make you your favorite pizza?" (Donation <=> favors)

"Show me your good math exam - or should I massage your back?" (Praise and recognition <=> physical contact)

If you want to do it particularly well, then you can evenly distribute the five languages ​​in 20 such suggestions. This will give you a meaningful result. You can also devote a week to a love language, then pause a week and then turn to the next. This allows you to become professional and internalize any language.

With teenagers in particular, it is a challenge to strike the right note. They are often somewhat mood-dependent. Hence, it is not easy to fill your tank. There are times when they test us and act more surly than they really are. Such passive resistance is then a test for the parents. If we then remain calm and relaxed and not get angry and express ourselves negatively, then we can avoid an additional increase in rebellion.

....Wie schön ist es doch für ein Kind, verstanden und geliebt zu werden. Würden wir Eltern und Grosseltern unsere Liebeskünste noch etwas entwickeln, würden unsere Kinder noch stärker profitieren können. Dazu möchte ich Sie herzlich einladen und er…

How nice it is for a child to be understood and loved. If we parents and grandparents were to develop our love skills a little more, our children would benefit even more. I would like to invite and encourage you to do so. There is nothing more important than love. Don't you agree?

Example Pietro (13)

At thirteen, Pietro began to put his parents to the test. His father reacted irritated at first. But then he realized that he had neglected Pietro's love language (affection and togetherness). So he planned to spend a whole weekend alone with him. Then on Sunday evening of all places, when his father had to leave, Pietro asked him if he actually loved him. Many parents fail such a test and spoil everything with accusations. The father could have reacted offended and reproached him with his love services.

However, he was wise and noted that this was an important question and that he would be happy to answer it when he gets back. They agreed on a date. This has given him time to properly prepare for this most important of all questions.

Closing Remarks

Just as growing up is a maturation process, so is learning love languages. Flexibility is an advantage for those parents who can speak all languages. Mistakes are allowed. If there is anything to be learned from them, they were actually useful. With this in mind, I wish you God's help and inspiration to bring love into family and marriage.

This is the end of the topic of 'love languages'. Thank you for persevering.

PS. This love language blog series is based on the highly recommended book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, 'The Five Love Languages ​​for Children'. These authors have other analog books for marriage, teenagers, and communication.

The 5 Love Languages for Children - 'I Will Help You'

....Jede Mutter spricht diese Liebessprache. Niemand kann diese Sprache so gut wie die Mütter. Aber wie lässt sich das auf die Kinder übertragen, respektive wie kann einem Kind mit dieser Liebessprache auch wirklich der Emotionale Tank gefüllt werde…

Every mother speaks this love language. Nobody can speak this language as well as mothers. But how can this be transferred to the children, or how can a child really fill their emotional tank with this love language, and this into adulthood?

You can get to know the 1st to 4th love language here:

LS1-Tenderness LS2-Praise LS3-Attention LS4-Gifts

Love language 5:

Love services

....Unglaublich, was eine Mutter für ihre Familie in der Küche leistet ! Sie übernimmt damit Verantwortung für die Ernährung und Gesundheit der ganzen Familie...It's unbelievable what a mother can do for her family in the kitchen! She takes respons…

It's unbelievable what a mother can do for her family in the kitchen! She takes responsibility for the nutrition and health of the whole family.

Perhaps you as parents know the following: "What convinced me most of the love my parents had for me was and is their tireless commitment to my well-being. Every day my mother cooked well and healthy for me and my father gave me also helped where I needed him. " You usually hear sentences like this after the children have had children themselves, don't you?

The thought may sound a bit strange, but actually mother and father are a service company in some ways. As soon as a child is born, a 'contract' is signed for at least the next 18 years with the addition that one will also be available on call afterwards.

Providing service is demanding

Service is exhausting - physically and mentally. That is why we parents have to manage our resources well. Sufficient sleep and exercise, good and healthy nutrition, emotional stability thanks to a harmonious marriage are important factors here.

While we are constantly challenged in our business world to learn new things, to be up-to-date, many parents tend to be negligent in what is actually the most important area of ​​life, the development of the offspring, our future. There is no more energy or motivation left for this. One cannot - so one thinks - earn 'money' with it. How can you be mistaken!

However, anyone who has recognized that the family is the most important good that we can ever 'own' - or better: be responsible - will not deny a constant willingness to learn, but will be open to new and enriching things. Bravo! says conscience and society, because the latter will not be able to benefit insignificantly from it.

....Auch der Einsatz der Männer darf nicht übersehen werden. Sie sorgen oftmals für das finanzielle Fundament einer Familie. Leider kommt es schon mal vor, dass sie dabei die Wichtigkeit der Beziehungen innerhalb der Familie vergessen. Karrieredenke…

The commitment of the men must not be overlooked either. They often provide a family's financial foundation. Unfortunately, there are times when they forget the importance of family relationships. Career thinking requires total commitment, which unfortunately the family then feels too often.

The Balance is Important

Such interested parents try to have their partner's love tank filled as much as possible. That makes the whole family life easier and livelier. Everything that hinders that is rationalized away. Ballast is thrown off. The better the parents work together in a team, the easier it is to raise the children.

....Balance - ein schönes Wort. Das Leben fordert uns heraus, überall gibt es Möglichkeiten für Fehltritte. Man muss alle Sinne mit Vernunft dafür einsetzen, Wichtiges vom Unwichtigen unterscheiden und entsprechend handeln zu können...Balance - a ni…

Balance - a nice word. Life challenges us, there are opportunities for missteps everywhere. You have to use all your senses with common sense to distinguish important from unimportant and to be able to act accordingly.

Correct Help

See special Blog about this.

Sure, in theory we want the best for our children. But what does that mean? Giving gifts to the child can be dangerous as well as helping constantly. A mother will probably not put on his own shoes for a five-year-old who goes to kindergarten. She knows that HELP FOR SELF-HELP is required here, yes, it is a must. This means that our kind of help must be adapted to the age of the child. If the toddler falls over quickly, a wise mother shouldn't constantly help up, but give the child the chance to get up again. Ultimately, this should also be able to address the problems in adulthood.

A 4-year-old certainly no longer needs to be fed, an 8-year-old makes his own bed, and teenagers can operate the washing machine and dryer independently. Anyone who, as a mother, still helps the child here is doing him no favors. This is no longer love, but a sign of selfishness. This is often not so easily recognizable, but all the more destructive.

Is it possible to exaggerate self-employment education? Yes ! Excessive demands are an enemy of learning. Likewise, underload. Challenge is the basis of success. To do this, however, you need a little 'instinct'.

....Der Schlüssel zum Erfolg liegt ua im Finden einer balancierten Herausforderung. Über- und Unterforderungen schwächen die Willenskraft des Kindes. Perfektionismus macht es ebenso. krank. Nichtstun, sich selber überlassen sein, vernachlässigt das …

One of the keys to success is finding a balanced challenge. Excessive and insufficient demands weaken the child's willpower. Perfectionism does the same. ill. Doing nothing, being left to oneself, neglects the child's development potential. Enjoying performance helps the child to develop healthy self-worth.

Slave service or love service

Much of the parental commitment to the children is often not even noticed. It has become a matter of course. Such a matter of course is often only perceived later in retrospect and then perhaps also appreciated. Whether something is love or slave service depends on the motivation. Slave services are required; there is compulsion as the motive. A love service is a service to others, a gift. If I feel like a slave as a father, then I can satisfy a physical need of the child, but certainly not the emotional one.

Give yourself moments of reflection where you can become clear about your motives.

Role Model Works

To love for love's sake - that is a profound principle that in the family is not only limited to the offspring, but also to the entire network of parents. Children who experience their parents helping and supporting their fellow human beings, possibly unselfishly, will be richly blessed.

How do we achieve this goal of balance?

  1. The basis of all education is a filled love tank. How to populate this is discussed in the following blog: 5LS-Parents.

  2. Our role model shows the children what they can understand by love service.

  3. From command to request. The older the child, the friendlier the language. Wishes are better received than demands.

  4. Small aid projects - neighborhood help, support for the poor, support for social activities expand the children's understanding of love.

....Eltern sind die wichtigsten Vorbilder für das Kind. Wohin sie gehen, da geht das Kind auch. Die ganzen Werte werden vorerst übertragen, bis das Kind dann seine eigenen entwickelt. Gelingt es den Eltern, gute Vorbilder zu sein, dann wird der grös…

Parents are the most important role models for the child. Wherever they go, the child goes too. All the values are transferred for the time being until the child then develops his own. If the parents succeed in being good role models, most of the principles will be adopted.

Disruptive Factors

Taking Advantage of Being Sick

With many mothers, the maternal instinct really gets going when the child is sick. Suddenly they are over-helpful. The child notices that immediately. If you otherwise have to go through everyday life with a half empty love tank, it often looks very different when you are sick. The tank is quickly filled with lovely words and deeds. How beautiful.

The disadvantage: If a child learns that he is only 'loved' when he is ill, there is a high probability that he will also obtain proof of love as an adult through the various types of illness. For many, this is the only chance they can experience a sense of attention and charity. Too bad. Too many people have cups just to get the attention and compassion they need which will fill their tank a little.

....Viele Menschen könnten gesund sein, würde ihr Liebestank gefüllt. Aber nein. Gesundsein bedeutet oft Alleinsein. Keiner kümmert sich um mich. Also besser krank sein. Dann erhalte ich wenigstens etwas Aufmerksamkeit. Studieren Sie Ihre Umwelt. Kö…

Many people could be healthy if their love tank were filled. But no. Being healthy often means being alone. Nobody cares about me. So better be sick. Then at least I'll get some attention. Study your environment. Can you see this behavioral mechanism?

Postmodern Helping

People today only get involved when their most important question is: "What do I get out of it?" is answered satisfactorily. This social attitude makes mature help difficult. If the child's heart is already materialistic, even greedy, then love is about to cool. Only Conditional Love is then the basis of development. Like you to me, so I to you.

So the question of where we raise our children, and where do we move, should be asked more often.

When This Love Language Is Present

If this is the mother tongue of your child's love, then any favor and kind act will help fill the love tank. When the child asks a favor, it's not just about the matter, but also about the answer to the question: "Mommy, do you love me (still)?" If we react angrily and nervously to this request because we don't have time, etc., then we can help, mend the bike, explain homework, but the soul cannot recharge.

You don't have to help every time. Clear. But we need to be sensitive to this so that we can see whether or not it is possible to procrastinate without causing harm. In any case, we should respond lovingly to every request.

....Gerade die Hilfe bei den Hausaufgaben ist eine grosse Chance für beide Elternteile. Da braucht das Kind echte Unterstützung. Wird diese Hilfe geduldig und dienstbereit ausgeführt, wird jedes Kind Liebe spüren können...Especially the help with ho…

Especially the help with homework is a great opportunity for both parents. The child needs real support. If this help is carried out patiently and in a willing manner, every child will be able to feel love.

Children's Voices

Neo (7): "I know that my mother loves me. She always helps me with my homework. And when I have to go to the doctor, she always takes time off."

Irina (12): She lives with her mother. "I know my mom loves me. She sews my buttons back on to my shirt. She has to work a lot so we have enough to eat and wear. My dad probably loves me too, but he doesn't do much for me."

Lara (14): "I know very well that my parents love me because they do a lot for me. Mom sewed the costumes for our school performance for me and two of my classmates. I was really proud of them. Dad is good to help me with schoolwork. Especially in algebra, I was surprised how much time he took for me. "

Helping these children is an important ministry of love. In order to pass love on, one needs the experience of love. Love produces love.

The 5 Love Languages For Children - 'I'll give you something'

....Wer seinem Kind ein Tier schenkt, der kann damit einen grossen Vorteil entwickeln lassen. Tiere, die auf die Zuneigung des Kindes reagieren können, helfen mit, deren emotionalen Tank zu füllen. Mit einem Tier ist auch die Pflegeverantwortung ver…

If you give your child an animal, you can develop a great advantage with it. Animals that can respond to the child's affection help fill their emotional tank. With an animal there is also the responsibility for caring for, with which the child can credit a lot for his character development under expert guidance.

You can get to know the 1st to 3rd love language here:

LS1-Tenderness LS2-Praise LS3-Attention

Love Language 4:

Children's Voices

"Why does your mommy love you?" The ten-year-old Rahel replies: "Come to my room and I'll show you." Once there, she points to a large teddy bear. "My parents brought it back for me from my vacation."

"My kindergarten teacher likes me very much. Look at Grandma what she gave me."

"Carmen (15), how do you know that your parents love you? * Carmen points to her beautiful clothes and says:" I got all this from them. "

Giving is a phenomenon

There are gifts in all cultures and at all times. It's kind of part of being human. In Greek there is the word CHARIS, which means both 'grace' and 'gift of love, gift'. A gift is actually a gift, an undeserved gift and should not be thought of as a reward. It is thus an expression of love and affection, a voluntary service, so to speak.

....Unsere Wirtschaft lebt gut dank unserer Geschenk-Kultur. Auch die Schweizer Schokoladen-Industrie profitiert davon !!! Aber lassen wir uns nicht verführen: Geschenke sollen echte Bedürfnisse des Nächsten befriedigen. Dann haben wir ins Herz getr…

Our economy thrives thanks to our gift culture. The Swiss chocolate industry also benefits from this! But let's not be seduced: gifts are supposed to satisfy the real needs of our neighbor. Then we hit the heart

Gifts can be very clear signs of love. They show affection at the moment of delivery and sometimes for many years afterwards. Do you also have an old-time gift to remember?

IMPORTANT: Gifts that have been carefully selected are symbols of love. Even so, the gift alone is not enough to keep a child's love tank full. A gift for an upset child usually does harm. The right moment is crucial.

Parents are often disappointed that their children do not respond happily and gratefully to gifts. Perhaps it is not their love language or other factors such as the wrong gift, inopportune moment, abundance, or parental disbelief.

Business

A gift is by no means always a gift of undisputed affection. In the business world in particular, they are often consideration for favors or even an attempt to bribe for a competitive advantage. You show yourself appreciative and interested.

....Geldgeschenke gehören zu den einfachen Geschenks-Formen. In der Geschäftswelt sind es meist nicht mehr Banknoten, sondern Reisen und diverse Vergnügungen. Mit Geldschein-Geschenken kann ein Kind sparen und vernünftig ausgeben lernen. Dazu brauch…

Money gifts are one of the simple forms of gift. In the business world, it's usually no longer banknotes, but travel and various amusements. With banknote gifts, a child can learn to save and spend wisely. However, this requires special supervision at the beginning.

If the mother brings her child a present because the child has tidied up the room, it is a reward for an achievement. If I promise the child an ice cream, if they eat it up nicely, then it's more like bribery, manipulation, but not a gift. The child usually sees through our motives, sooner or later.

Dilemma

Too many parents love their children, but cannot get it across so that the child can understand their love. Often the parents unconsciously choose the wrong love language, or they do it right, but the child still has an empty love tank. In this state, the child cannot recognize or experience love language as such. As parents, you have to take the trouble to pick up the child from where they are. Easier said than done !

If the parents finally decide to give the child a special treat, this is linked to the expectation that the child will also happily and gratefully accept the gift. Unfortunately, this is not always the case, which wears parents down and often makes them give up. Unfortunately. Exactly then it is important to think about where the child can be picked up, what their current stressful moments are, where the needs are and how they can best be supported there. When you have found the neuralgic point, everything can quickly turn for the better.

....Kastanienzeit - die Mutter geht mit ihrem Kind Kastanien sammeln und macht daraus etwas Spezielles für die ganze Familie - ein Geschenk aus der Natur von besonderer Bedeutung, das zu einer Tradition werden kann...Chestnut time - the mother goes …

Chestnut time - the mother goes with her child to collect chestnuts and turns them into something special for the whole family - a gift from nature of particular importance that can become a tradition.

Make Optimal Use of Gifts

If gifts are intended as a gift of love, size and price do not play an important role. What counts is the affection, the thinking, wanting to bring joy, the love behind it.

If we shop carelessly and hand over the gift without inner involvement, then this will soon become a matter of course for oversaturated children. They adjust their expectations. There are children who love the tension of unpacking more than the gift.

Beware of toys: the too large selection forces responsible parents to work extra: careful selection. Quality over quantity applies here. A game is there for learning so that life can be mastered successfully and should not destroy the child or his brain in the process (gaming). Choose games that are durable and stable, that can support the kids for long periods of time, that are not too expensive and not complicated. Every toy stands for values. Keep this in mind. War games encourage aggressive behavior towards others, maybe even towards parents.

....Unglaublich, mit wievielen Geschenken unsere Kinder heutzutage umzugehen haben. Unsere Wohlstandgesellschaft macht es ihnen nicht leicht. Aber wir als Eltern können es einigermassen steuern, nicht wahr ?..It's unbelievable how many gifts our chi…

It's unbelievable how many gifts our children have to deal with these days. Our affluent society does not make it easy for them. But we as parents can control it to some extent, right?

Pay Attention to the Motifs

How quickly do you get there, instead of dealing with the children's love languages, simply giving them a gift, a present instead of a presence, so to speak. The fact is that dedication demands commitment and gifts can be obtained quickly.

Some parents lack the time, knowledge or patience to strive to convey true security. The fathers in particular are challenged when they come home late. The working mothers, who sometimes feel guilty, sometimes justified, then quickly buy a gift based on these motives.

....Weihnachten, Geburtstag, Ostern kommen bestimmt - wieder und wieder - und nochmals - Jemand freut sich bestimmt, dass wir Geschenke gekauft haben !!!..Christmas, birthday, Easter will definitely come - again and again - and again - someone will …

Christmas, birthday, Easter will definitely come - again and again - and again - someone will definitely be happy that we bought gifts !!!

Giving is not a panacea for a lifestyle that has got out of hand!

Rethinking our priorities is necessary from time to time. Allow yourself, if possible in pairs, the time to determine and eliminate any weak points by means of reflection.

Buy Love

Gift giving is often abused by separated parents over whom only one has custody. There gifts are intended to cover up the pain of separation or to calm one's conscience. Expensive and lovelessly chosen gifts then easily become a means of bribery to buy the child's love. At some point the children will buckle it up. Material things are no substitute for love, for no child.

Since the parents are role models for the children, they are led to a materialistic worldview where money is more important than people. Such damage to character is difficult to repair.

Often separated mothers live with their children in simple circumstances. The fathers could then take advantage of this to spoil the children with interesting occasions and gifts, which can lead to the children no longer wanting to go back to their mother. In doing so, the father unconsciously does the children a disservice, because the mother's important educational work is made considerably more difficult or even impossible. The children are unnecessarily weakened.

Divorced parents would do well to work together as optimally as possible, to pursue the same educational goals and to share joys and sorrows as often as is reasonable.

Toy store - less is more

Kennen Sie den 'Wer gibt mehr - Wettbewerb' ?

Kennen Sie den 'Wer gibt mehr - Wettbewerb' ?

If the children's room is overflowing with toys, tidiness can no longer be thought of. The individual gift quickly becomes less important. The child can no longer cope with the toys emotionally. What was meant as a gain becomes a loss, a burden. Less is more.

Perhaps gifts are better that do not trigger storms of enthusiasm - which are usually short-lived - but all the more long-term joy. Why not play along with the child? This increases the value of the toy.

At a certain age, the children can be asked what they want. Sometimes it works. Money doesn't mean anything to young children.

When gifts are the mother tongue

Unfortunately it is the case that children - like us adults - can never get enough. You can tell that children with this love language react differently. A gift has a deeper meaning for them. They appreciate the wrapping, a special ritual that expresses affection for them. First they like the ribbon, the paper, the colors, then the slow unpacking during which they are the focus. The giver should be present wherever possible when giving gifts. You will get a warm hug.

The gift is given a place of honor, shown to friends and presented to you again. This gift is linked to your love. It is unimportant whether you made it yourself, found it or bought it. It is important that YOU have thought of the child.

If you have given a gift to one of your children who does not speak this love language, you can avoid an emotional disaster by never taking the gift back or reclaiming it.

For children with this love language, childhood is a wonderful time of memories because they can still indulge in parental love.

....Wunderbar ! Dieses Kind hat gelernt, dass Geschenke Freude bereiten und die Zuneigung und Liebe spiegeln. Wunderbar !..Wonderful ! This child learned that gifts bring joy and reflect affection and love. Wonderful !....

Wonderful ! This child learned that gifts bring joy and reflect affection and love. Wonderful !

The 5 Love Languages of Children - 'I am completely there for you'

....Für Kleinkinder heisst Spielen Lernen. Sie sind wissenshungrig, wollen ihre Welt kennenlernen. 'Ich habe jetzt keine Zeit' zwingt sie oftmals den Ausweg der Quengelei zu wählen. Ihr Bedürfnis nach Liebestankfüllung ist oftmals stärker als ihr Hu…

For small children, playing means learning. They are hungry for knowledge and want to get to know their world. 'I don't have time now' often forces them to choose the way out of whining. Their need for love tank filling is often stronger than their hunger.

You can get to know the 1st and 2nd love language here: LS1-Tenderness LS2-Lob

Love language 3:

Focused Attention

Example Petra

The four-year-old Petra tugs on her father's arm: "Daddy, play something with me!" "That doesn't work now, I still have to send an email. But after that I'll come." Five minutes later, Petra is in the kitchen and asks: "Mom, are you playing with me?" "Not possible at the moment, my darling, I still have to finish preparing dinner. But when I'm done, we'll play together."

If this scene happens similarly every day, then it looks like Petra is speaking this love language. It needs undivided, personal attention and care. It is also called Quality Time.

Over time, this whining can give you the rest that you threaten to punish the child or put him in room arrest, which is exactly the opposite of what Petra could have made strong. Just 10 minutes of focused attention can be enough to fill up the love tank.

....Von Beginn weg: Das Spiel hat es in sich. Das Kind lernt so, sich auf Objekte zu konzentrieren, erkennt immer mehr die Zusammenhänge und Hintergründe und wird so in die Kausalität des Lebens eingeführt. Dieses Verständnis wächst von Tag zu Tag. …

Right from the start: The game has it all. The child learns to concentrate on objects, recognizes more and more the connections and backgrounds and is thus introduced to the causality of life. This understanding grows day by day. The older the child, the more demanding nature observations should be.

A Tip for the Fathers

Allow at least 10 minutes before bedtime for every child, regardless of age, to give them focused attention. This means that without any disturbance from the sibling or mother, you can meet the child at eye level and play, read or do anything that the child has fun at the child's level. This will fill the child's love tank and promote a good, healthy sleep. The next day will reward you and / or the mother for it. The more you do this, the stronger your child will become emotionally.

Actually every child needs a certain amount of attention. The easiest way to identify a deficit in this regard is in children who behave abnormally. That is, the child begins to force the parents to give at least negative attention. He accepts punishment and disadvantages, which shows his desperation.

Unfortunately, it often happens that even children who are loved by their parents still have to grow up with an empty love tank. What a tragedy! Most of the time, the parents don't know what they're doing wrong.

The older the child gets, the more quality and commitment is required of the parents. While you can give a toddler a few pats, a 12-year-old needs participation in a 30-minute soccer game to get the same effect. This is a challenge for the parents when they are so busy; In addition, the midlife crisis has just started and the other children are still there!

....Für jedes Kind ist die Zweisamkeit mit dem Vater immer etwas Besonderes. Schliesslich denkt und fühlt er ja anders als die Mutter. In dieser Liebessprache lernt das Kind diese zwei Denk- und Fühlsysteme kennen, was für eine spätere Partnerschaft…

For every child, togetherness with their father is always something special. After all, he thinks and feels differently than his mother. In this love language the child gets to know these two thinking and feeling systems, which will show great advantages for a later partnership.

The Priority List

We know it: you can't have everything in life. You have to prioritize. How important is my life partner? What value do I give to the oldest, middle and youngest child? How can I measure this? With the attention you paid? Perhaps with the willingness to do something for the love tank of my chosen partner and child? Do I know the subject of unconditional love so that I can make more conscious decisions in the interests of my own responsibility and humanity?

I believe I am speaking in favor of the majority when I say that you will get back these investments that you use for your family on a multiplicative basis and thereby help to improve the existence of your own children, which in turn affects their children and their children's children becomes. You are doing something for humanity!

Our undivided attention tells the child: "You are important to me. I like you. I like to play with you. I feel good in your presence." With this the child realizes that they are an important person for you. It feels loved, not only conditionally, but also unconditionally.

....Gleiche Kleiderfarbe allein macht noch keine glückliche Familie. Wie formen sich die Unterschiede in der Familienstruktur ? Das Alter und Geschlecht sind wohl die grössten Faktoren. Können Sie als Eltern alle Kinder gleich lieben ? Ich behaupte,…

The same color of clothes alone does not make a happy family. How are the differences in the family structure shaped? Age and gender are probably the biggest factors. As a parent, can you love all children equally? I claim that it doesn't work. Difficult, intelligent children need more attention. Middle-aged children tend to be neglected. It is important that we do not forget to send a child to bed with a full emotional tank.

Be Together

With this love language it is less important WHAT you do with your child, but HOW and HOW you do it. Over time, a bond will develop, a quality of togetherness that others can only 'wow' about in amazement!

Unfortunately it is the case that in many families the television is missed more than the own father. With this, other forces gain access to their own child's soul. If you look at our society, you can see in which direction it will go: "Love will grow cold in many."

Eye Contact

Our gaze is a powerful means of expressing our love. He builds the bridge from heart to heart. Often parents only have strict eye contact with their children. Too bad. To look at the child with a loving look, without any reference to performance, simply because it is my child, that has a great effect on its soul. The quality of the eye contact indicates the quality of the emotional connection.

Anyone who wants to punish the child for a long time with 'deprivation of eyes' does not know what he is doing. Because children often do not understand the causality of behavior at all, i.e. do not understand why the parents react one way or another, the child is at the mercy and will suffer considerable emotional damage as a result of such punishments. Such behavior will have a greater negative impact on his performance.

....Wer glückliche Augen hat ist hübsch. Es ist ein Vorrecht für Kinder, wenn sie mit einem liebevollen Augenkontakt aufwachsen können. Kinder lesen uns über die Augen. Leuchten die Kinderaugen, dann haben wir einen guten Job gemacht !..Those with h…

Those with happy eyes are pretty. It is a privilege for children when they can grow up with loving eye contact. Children read us through the eyes. If the children's eyes light up, then we have done a good job!

Communication

How about asking the child age-appropriate questions? This works best when it is combined with a common activity such as washing up the kitchen, going on a hike or a walk. Gardening is also an excellent way to personally exchange feelings and thoughts. The bedtime procedure is the best moment for small children.

Such 'man to man' or 'woman to woman' conversations have a positive effect on the child's soul. They convey: My father trusts me. I am important to him. He takes me for full. He loves me.

When the daughter hears from her mother that she used to worry about her appearance, this creates solidarity and the certainty that one's own worth does not depend on external appearances.

If a child learns to communicate in this way, they will be able to cope better with life. The later marriage, friendships and collegiality are positively influenced by this. Tolerance and conflict management are developed in this way.

Children are never too old for trusting conversations

Children love stories, including your personal life story. If it is possible to save the bedtime story in the teenage years, where deeper conversations about the day's events and the emotional wounds suffered create a deep friendship, then this can lay an important basis for decision-making for the challenging time of self-discovery (puberty) at hand. Because in this way young people can bring order to their emotional world and learn to express difficult feelings and also understand that 'being cool' does not always mean the right direction.

During school time there is always the opportunity to help with homework. This is often perceived as a disturbance by parents. It opens up the opportunity, with the silent question, WHY the child does not understand something, to dig deeper into the cause of a problem, which comes closer to a holistic solution.

....Können Sie sich an Ihre eigenen Mutter-Tochter-Gespräche erinnern ? Wir Männer können auch mit unseren Jungs tolle Gespräche haben, aber ganz so wie die Damen gelingt es uns meist nicht, oder ?..Do you remember your own mother-daughter conversat…

Do you remember your own mother-daughter conversations? We men can have great conversations with our boys too, but like the women, we usually don't succeed, right?

How Children Recognize This Love Language

Jasmin (8): "My family loves me because we do a lot together. Dad sometimes takes me fishing. Although I don't enjoy it that much, I just enjoy being with him."

Fabian (10): "My mother sure loves me. She comes to every one of my football games and watches. I'm not so sure about Dad. He left us."

Bruno (12): "I know that dad loves me. We don't miss a football game. My mother probably loves me too. But we can't do a lot together because she often doesn't feel good."

Martina (16): "My parents love me. How do I know? I can talk to them about anything. They help me make good decisions."

....Unsere Söhne brauchen starke Väter, die sie wertschätzen, mit ihnen Zeit verbringen, spielen, sie herausfordern und mit ihnen dran bleiben. Unsere Gesellschaft braucht reife Männer, die gute Entscheidungen fällen können...Our sons need strong fa…

Our sons need strong fathers who value them, spend time with them, play games, challenge them and stick with them. Our society needs mature men who can make good decisions.

Closing Remarks

This love language is challenging for us parents. It requires clear prioritization and planning, especially for older children. Our social understanding that time is money is in no way confirmed here. Time is invested here, yes, sown. First the children can harvest themselves, then their children and at the latest then it's our turn as parents.

Children are like a garden. The more we sow and plant, the more can be harvested.

Real Time Analytics