Hilfesuchende — Blog — Ernst Zwiker

Hilfesuchende

The 5 Love Languages for Children - 'I Will Help You'

....Jede Mutter spricht diese Liebessprache. Niemand kann diese Sprache so gut wie die Mütter. Aber wie lässt sich das auf die Kinder übertragen, respektive wie kann einem Kind mit dieser Liebessprache auch wirklich der Emotionale Tank gefüllt werde…

Every mother speaks this love language. Nobody can speak this language as well as mothers. But how can this be transferred to the children, or how can a child really fill their emotional tank with this love language, and this into adulthood?

You can get to know the 1st to 4th love language here:

LS1-Tenderness LS2-Praise LS3-Attention LS4-Gifts

Love language 5:

Love services

....Unglaublich, was eine Mutter für ihre Familie in der Küche leistet ! Sie übernimmt damit Verantwortung für die Ernährung und Gesundheit der ganzen Familie...It's unbelievable what a mother can do for her family in the kitchen! She takes respons…

It's unbelievable what a mother can do for her family in the kitchen! She takes responsibility for the nutrition and health of the whole family.

Perhaps you as parents know the following: "What convinced me most of the love my parents had for me was and is their tireless commitment to my well-being. Every day my mother cooked well and healthy for me and my father gave me also helped where I needed him. " You usually hear sentences like this after the children have had children themselves, don't you?

The thought may sound a bit strange, but actually mother and father are a service company in some ways. As soon as a child is born, a 'contract' is signed for at least the next 18 years with the addition that one will also be available on call afterwards.

Providing service is demanding

Service is exhausting - physically and mentally. That is why we parents have to manage our resources well. Sufficient sleep and exercise, good and healthy nutrition, emotional stability thanks to a harmonious marriage are important factors here.

While we are constantly challenged in our business world to learn new things, to be up-to-date, many parents tend to be negligent in what is actually the most important area of ​​life, the development of the offspring, our future. There is no more energy or motivation left for this. One cannot - so one thinks - earn 'money' with it. How can you be mistaken!

However, anyone who has recognized that the family is the most important good that we can ever 'own' - or better: be responsible - will not deny a constant willingness to learn, but will be open to new and enriching things. Bravo! says conscience and society, because the latter will not be able to benefit insignificantly from it.

....Auch der Einsatz der Männer darf nicht übersehen werden. Sie sorgen oftmals für das finanzielle Fundament einer Familie. Leider kommt es schon mal vor, dass sie dabei die Wichtigkeit der Beziehungen innerhalb der Familie vergessen. Karrieredenke…

The commitment of the men must not be overlooked either. They often provide a family's financial foundation. Unfortunately, there are times when they forget the importance of family relationships. Career thinking requires total commitment, which unfortunately the family then feels too often.

The Balance is Important

Such interested parents try to have their partner's love tank filled as much as possible. That makes the whole family life easier and livelier. Everything that hinders that is rationalized away. Ballast is thrown off. The better the parents work together in a team, the easier it is to raise the children.

....Balance - ein schönes Wort. Das Leben fordert uns heraus, überall gibt es Möglichkeiten für Fehltritte. Man muss alle Sinne mit Vernunft dafür einsetzen, Wichtiges vom Unwichtigen unterscheiden und entsprechend handeln zu können...Balance - a ni…

Balance - a nice word. Life challenges us, there are opportunities for missteps everywhere. You have to use all your senses with common sense to distinguish important from unimportant and to be able to act accordingly.

Correct Help

See special Blog about this.

Sure, in theory we want the best for our children. But what does that mean? Giving gifts to the child can be dangerous as well as helping constantly. A mother will probably not put on his own shoes for a five-year-old who goes to kindergarten. She knows that HELP FOR SELF-HELP is required here, yes, it is a must. This means that our kind of help must be adapted to the age of the child. If the toddler falls over quickly, a wise mother shouldn't constantly help up, but give the child the chance to get up again. Ultimately, this should also be able to address the problems in adulthood.

A 4-year-old certainly no longer needs to be fed, an 8-year-old makes his own bed, and teenagers can operate the washing machine and dryer independently. Anyone who, as a mother, still helps the child here is doing him no favors. This is no longer love, but a sign of selfishness. This is often not so easily recognizable, but all the more destructive.

Is it possible to exaggerate self-employment education? Yes ! Excessive demands are an enemy of learning. Likewise, underload. Challenge is the basis of success. To do this, however, you need a little 'instinct'.

....Der Schlüssel zum Erfolg liegt ua im Finden einer balancierten Herausforderung. Über- und Unterforderungen schwächen die Willenskraft des Kindes. Perfektionismus macht es ebenso. krank. Nichtstun, sich selber überlassen sein, vernachlässigt das …

One of the keys to success is finding a balanced challenge. Excessive and insufficient demands weaken the child's willpower. Perfectionism does the same. ill. Doing nothing, being left to oneself, neglects the child's development potential. Enjoying performance helps the child to develop healthy self-worth.

Slave service or love service

Much of the parental commitment to the children is often not even noticed. It has become a matter of course. Such a matter of course is often only perceived later in retrospect and then perhaps also appreciated. Whether something is love or slave service depends on the motivation. Slave services are required; there is compulsion as the motive. A love service is a service to others, a gift. If I feel like a slave as a father, then I can satisfy a physical need of the child, but certainly not the emotional one.

Give yourself moments of reflection where you can become clear about your motives.

Role Model Works

To love for love's sake - that is a profound principle that in the family is not only limited to the offspring, but also to the entire network of parents. Children who experience their parents helping and supporting their fellow human beings, possibly unselfishly, will be richly blessed.

How do we achieve this goal of balance?

  1. The basis of all education is a filled love tank. How to populate this is discussed in the following blog: 5LS-Parents.

  2. Our role model shows the children what they can understand by love service.

  3. From command to request. The older the child, the friendlier the language. Wishes are better received than demands.

  4. Small aid projects - neighborhood help, support for the poor, support for social activities expand the children's understanding of love.

....Eltern sind die wichtigsten Vorbilder für das Kind. Wohin sie gehen, da geht das Kind auch. Die ganzen Werte werden vorerst übertragen, bis das Kind dann seine eigenen entwickelt. Gelingt es den Eltern, gute Vorbilder zu sein, dann wird der grös…

Parents are the most important role models for the child. Wherever they go, the child goes too. All the values are transferred for the time being until the child then develops his own. If the parents succeed in being good role models, most of the principles will be adopted.

Disruptive Factors

Taking Advantage of Being Sick

With many mothers, the maternal instinct really gets going when the child is sick. Suddenly they are over-helpful. The child notices that immediately. If you otherwise have to go through everyday life with a half empty love tank, it often looks very different when you are sick. The tank is quickly filled with lovely words and deeds. How beautiful.

The disadvantage: If a child learns that he is only 'loved' when he is ill, there is a high probability that he will also obtain proof of love as an adult through the various types of illness. For many, this is the only chance they can experience a sense of attention and charity. Too bad. Too many people have cups just to get the attention and compassion they need which will fill their tank a little.

....Viele Menschen könnten gesund sein, würde ihr Liebestank gefüllt. Aber nein. Gesundsein bedeutet oft Alleinsein. Keiner kümmert sich um mich. Also besser krank sein. Dann erhalte ich wenigstens etwas Aufmerksamkeit. Studieren Sie Ihre Umwelt. Kö…

Many people could be healthy if their love tank were filled. But no. Being healthy often means being alone. Nobody cares about me. So better be sick. Then at least I'll get some attention. Study your environment. Can you see this behavioral mechanism?

Postmodern Helping

People today only get involved when their most important question is: "What do I get out of it?" is answered satisfactorily. This social attitude makes mature help difficult. If the child's heart is already materialistic, even greedy, then love is about to cool. Only Conditional Love is then the basis of development. Like you to me, so I to you.

So the question of where we raise our children, and where do we move, should be asked more often.

When This Love Language Is Present

If this is the mother tongue of your child's love, then any favor and kind act will help fill the love tank. When the child asks a favor, it's not just about the matter, but also about the answer to the question: "Mommy, do you love me (still)?" If we react angrily and nervously to this request because we don't have time, etc., then we can help, mend the bike, explain homework, but the soul cannot recharge.

You don't have to help every time. Clear. But we need to be sensitive to this so that we can see whether or not it is possible to procrastinate without causing harm. In any case, we should respond lovingly to every request.

....Gerade die Hilfe bei den Hausaufgaben ist eine grosse Chance für beide Elternteile. Da braucht das Kind echte Unterstützung. Wird diese Hilfe geduldig und dienstbereit ausgeführt, wird jedes Kind Liebe spüren können...Especially the help with ho…

Especially the help with homework is a great opportunity for both parents. The child needs real support. If this help is carried out patiently and in a willing manner, every child will be able to feel love.

Children's Voices

Neo (7): "I know that my mother loves me. She always helps me with my homework. And when I have to go to the doctor, she always takes time off."

Irina (12): She lives with her mother. "I know my mom loves me. She sews my buttons back on to my shirt. She has to work a lot so we have enough to eat and wear. My dad probably loves me too, but he doesn't do much for me."

Lara (14): "I know very well that my parents love me because they do a lot for me. Mom sewed the costumes for our school performance for me and two of my classmates. I was really proud of them. Dad is good to help me with schoolwork. Especially in algebra, I was surprised how much time he took for me. "

Helping these children is an important ministry of love. In order to pass love on, one needs the experience of love. Love produces love.

Do You Also Like To Help? How Should We Do It Correctly?

....Helfen kann Freude machen. Aber nicht immer. Wann ist es richtig zu helfen ? Wissen Sie, welche Kriterien zu beachten sind ?..Helping can be fun. But not always. When is it right to help? Do you know which criteria have to be considered?....

Helping can be fun. But not always. When is it right to help? Do you know which criteria have to be considered?

Help ! Help me !

There are many reasons that cause people to call for help. Healthy and unhealthy. Sometimes it is important that they get help, sometimes just the wrong thing! How can we tell the difference?

  • Would you help an alcoholic get home?

  • Would you help a 4 year old step into their shoes?

  • Would you help your wife cook?

  • Would you help your husband clean the car?

  • Would you help your neighbors in the garden?

  • Would you take a hitchhiker with you?

You can't always say YES or NO so quickly. Certain circumstances sometimes play a role.

....Viele liebe Menschen haben immer den Rettungsring dabei. Wo immer sie die Möglichkeit zu helfen sehen, dort sind sie anzutreffen. Sie bedenken aber nicht, ob Hilfe auch wirklich Hilfe ist...Many dear people always have the lifebuoy with them. Wh…

Many dear people always have the lifebuoy with them. Wherever they see the opportunity to help, they can be found there. But they do not consider whether help is really help.

Oswald Chambers, the famous British pastor, once said:

Many people spend their lives sacrificing themselves for other people, with the result that their help makes these people even more selfish.

Is this actually how it helps? Does it make sense to only help if my help helps people on their way to maturity?

So what is helping really? How would you define help?

Definition Of Help

Wiki: Enabling or making it easier for someone to do something by adopting certain parts or advice.

In this definition, the meaning of helping is described as 'enable' and 'facilitate'. Are you satisfied with it?

How about the following definition?

Helping someone in a challenging situation in such a way that self-help is improved and the motivation for solving problems is increased, i.e. helping people to help themselves and become independent.

Maybe you have a better suggestion ???

....Gerade die Mütter sind hochgradig herausgefordert, ihre Hilfe weitsichtig und weise zu leisten. Eigene Defizite wirken sich meist negativ auf ihre Hilfeleistungen aus. Leider merken sie es nicht, oder erst, wenn es zu spät ist. Es ist wichtig da…

Mothers in particular are highly challenged to provide their help with far-sightedness and wisdom. Your own deficits usually have a negative effect on your assistance. Unfortunately, they do not notice it, or only when it is too late. It is important that mothers are willing to include the opinion of the fathers in their upbringing. This usually enables a better balance. Parents are stronger together.

So when it comes to helping, there are two areas involved:

  • the helper

  • the person seeking help

The One Seeking Help

Do you remember your childhood? Those were wonderful moments when you lay ill and were cared for so lovingly by your mother that being sick was actually a pleasant experience. Right ?

Especially those people who have experienced this act of conditional love (see Blog) as the climax of being loved and who otherwise did not feel loved - although the parents would usually claim the opposite - they tend to demand the same love in adulthood, if they do did not want to grow out of this immaturity.

In other words: Many people love visits to the doctor, care situations, their own accidents or handicaps that enable them to receive special treatment. To be normal would be unbearable.

In other words: There are dear people who prefer to be in an emergency situation all the time and then like to be helped so that they can feel loved.

Well, when I help in such a case, am I not supporting this immature system of demand for love? Isn't that how I prevent the learning process of self-acceptance?

....Besonders in der Kindererziehung ist es wichtig, dass die Eltern die Kinder in deren Liebessprache ansprechen und sie mit ihrer Hilfe nicht verwöhnen sondern weitsichtig fördern. Dies sollte nicht schon nach dem dritten Lebensjahr wegen anderen …

Particularly when bringing up children, it is important that the parents address the children in their love language and that they do not spoil them with their help, but encourage them with far-sightedness. This should not be neglected after the age of three because of other priorities. Expectant teenagers in particular need a lot of attention.

How can you really help such a needy person?

You have probably already gained experience with it. When I meet people like that, the first thing I do is think about how best to help. If this person is a stranger to me, i.e. a 'chance contact', then I tend to point in the healing direction with a challenging 'gentle' question and then to help.

With people for whom I feel responsible, I am therefore obliged to help properly. This can sometimes lead to a deeper conversation, a deeper relationship. The more interested the person is in learning, the more so.

It can also help if the person seeking help realizes that he / she can never get enough of unnecessary things because the unnecessary is never satisfying. It's about deeper values ​​and not about apparent values.

In addition, if you like to be corrected and helped, you will become wise! But whoever does not accept this kind of help remains a fool! Proverbs 12: 1

The Helper

The Helper Syndrome

Wiki: A helper syndrome is a model of emotional problems that are often found in social professions (such as teachers, doctors, geriatric nurses, pastors, psychologists, social workers).

....Die ärztliche Betreuung von Kranken ist eine wichtige und oft auch dankbare Aufgabe. Sie sollte aber nicht nur zum Selbstzweck erfolgen. Liebe deinen Nächsten wie dich selbst. Freue dich an seinem Gesundwerden...Medical care for sick people is a…

Medical care for sick people is an important and often rewarding task. But it should not only be an end in itself. Love your neighbor as yourself. Enjoy his recovery.

A person affected by the helper syndrome has poor self-esteem and is fixated on his role as a helper; helping or wanting to be needed can become an addiction. He tries to experience the love and acceptance that he himself missed from his parents or generally in his childhood. His willingness to help extends to self-harm and neglect of the family and partnership. In doing so, he easily overlooks or underestimates the limits of what is possible and also ignores the question of whether his help is desired or useful at all. He tends to refuse the help of others in his mission. The result can be depression or burnout.

The helper syndrome occurs in all classes of the population.

As mentioned, there are special occupational fields and specific personality traits that increase the risk. Depressive and dependent personality patterns, borderline and emotionally unstable personality profiles are particularly at risk.

It is clear that helping such people properly is a great challenge.

Other disruptive help factors can be:

  • The helper motives are selfish

  • The helper helps in a narcissistic basic attitude to revamp his self-image

  • The helper does not take the trouble to understand the person seeking help holistically

  • The helper exercises power unnecessarily, helps his own interests

  • The helper arouses feelings of failure and immaturity in the person seeking advice

  • The helper crosses social, moral or spiritual boundaries

Functioning Help

It is often only later that it can be found out whether help is actually a help. Helping a child to become self-reliant is a constant effort. Helping a person to find himself, to recognize toxic thoughts (Blog), to slowly but surely convert his own inability into mature, wise behavior is in any case a challenge and far-sighted, rewarding help.

Only proud people want to do without real help. Know-it-all, arrogance and self-sufficiency prevent maturation. It is therefore clear: humility helps. In helping and getting help. But we don't know so clearly what humility really is! Is not it ? Where have the role models gone? Can you find any?

Those who help others properly will also be helped by others. Because empathic help promotes relationships and strengthens mutual trust.

....Gute Kommunikation ist ein Wundermittel. Das Richtige im richtigen Moment sagen ist hohe Schule. Das hilft vielen Menschen weiter. Gerade 'heisse' Themen ansprechen und sachlich bearbeiten kann Wunder bewirken...Good communication is a miracle c…

Good communication is a miracle cure. Saying the right thing at the right moment is high school. That helps a lot of people. Addressing 'hot' topics and dealing with them objectively can work wonders.

Help based on needs increases our feeling of happiness.
Right helping is double helping.

. :-)

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