3 Steps Closer to Your Spouse

Sometimes you feel like you’re miles apart. Incredible, how fast the distance between two can grow! Beautiful memories remain. Why not go there again? What is needed in order to get closer again? That’s what we’d like to understand better.

1. Get into Balance

A MAN WHO LOVES HIS WIFE LOVES HIMSELF.        

A WOMAN WHO LOVES HER HUSBAND LOVES HERSELF. 

Ephesians 5:28

It is our inner attitude that manifests itself in outward deeds. When a person is in love, it shows.  However, after an average of two years of marriage, that feeling of infatuation generally dissipates and with it all the motivators that were at work until then. When this happens, we a need new motive, otherwise known as true love, or unconditional love. (BLOG).

Check yourself out: when you get into a conflict with your partner, ask yourself if you are actually in balance. Is everything in order in your life? Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses? If you can answer all these questions positively, then you can turn to the task of finding a solution to the conflict.

If the answer was NO or YES AND NO, you will need to do some homework first. First, you should excuse yourself and step out of the conflict situation, because you are surely part of the problem. Your self-perception is unsatisfactory and has very likely influenced your behavior in a way that allows you to easily see your partner’s mistakes while your own remain conveniently undetected in your blind spot.

When a person is in balance and at peace with him or herself, he or she will be willing to solve any problem that arises in as positive a manner as possible. When discussions take place on the information level, it is quite easy to find solutions. It is not the goal of either to point out the weaknesses and mistakes of the other. They don’t need it.

Those who wish to rise above the fog need to meet certain conditions. They must want to, they need the will and courage to actually go, and they need balance to get over any difficult passages along the way.

2. Understand Your Partner

If we were not so selfish and proud, most problems could be solved in 5 minutes.

Pride and selfishness are so well integrated into our society that we often no longer recognize them. When I am in balance, I am in a better position to judge my own motives more objectively. As a man, I can see my pride, which always wants to be right. As a woman, I recognize my desire for confirmation. When I see and acknowledge these needs and shake myself free of them, I will be better prepared to deal with my partner’s deeper needs.  

Is it possible that a partner’s arguments are actually an expression of a deeper need? Maybe it’s a cry for more attention, or a need for empathy or a desire for more understanding.

If you can recognize the message behind your partner’s words, an important “battle” will have been won. Then you will be able to look for appropriate solutions that will help you both.

There are still some couples that have decided to stick together. What is their secret? Do they have a different understanding of love? Is it maturity? Or convenience? Do they understand each other better? Or do they respect each other more? Do you know any couples like that?

3. Move in Your Spouse’s Direction

Those who understand themselves are better equipped to understand their partners and to be understood. It is a great advantage to be able to analyze one’s own system. In IT language, understanding how you were programmed helps you understand the way you think. When you understand your own system, you can begin to comprehend the complexity of your partner’s system better.

Everybody Needs LOVE

If you know that and act accordingly, you will also receive more love.

Only Love Begets Love

If pride prevents one from taking loving steps, love will not be produced and returned. Money, power and pride are the three biblical enemies of love. If people prefer these above love, they will eventually come out on the short end.  

A few qualities of loving couples:

• Men court their wives’ attention – they don’t have time to watch other women. They are busy trying to think of ways to show their wives more love.
• Women understand that respect is important for their husbands. They know that nagging is a sure way to kill happiness. They concentrate on strengthening and appreciating his sense of responsibility.
• Feelings can be nice, but controlling one’s thoughts is more important. Negative thoughts can destroy not only our bodies, but also our souls and minds. Positive thoughts and empathetic benevolence are important ingredients in building happy homes.
• A sincere “Sorry” is more valuable than an “I told you so” or “It’s all your fault”!
• A couple that includes Jesus in their marriage relationship experiences many advantages. Jesus is always happy to fill their empty love tanks, for example, every morning and evening when they pray together. When we read His Word with its sensational contents, like the last several chapters of the Gospels, we understand more of the length and breadth and depth and height of the love of God. This deeper understanding of love colors our everyday life, and every relationship we have is deeper and more meaningful as a result.
• Defining and carrying out common goals: Family is the center, work is on the next level, then friends and fellowship after that.
• Your spouse always has the right to a VETO. We don’t have to do everything the way I want it. I can be generous. We can discuss a decision without my feeling defensive. Humility does not get insulted, because a small ego is not easily wounded.

Taking a step towards your spouse can be somewhat of a challenge with couples who have been married for a long time. Wounds they don’t want to or cannot forgive are a great hindrance. In such cases, their understanding of unconditional love (BLOG) would be very important to help get a step further. Everybody is looking for understanding, love and security. When we give these things, we receive them as well – usually.

I hope a thought or two are doable for you. Life is too short not to put important knowledge concerning quality of life into practice. Don’t you agree?

Improve EQ in Marriage and Family

Emotional intelligence is perhaps most powerful in marriage and family. Investing there has always been worthwhile. There is nothing like a happy family. Home Sweet Home. (Picture: 1996 in front of our 'new' house)

Hopefully you, dear reader, have been able to read the previous two blogs on the topic.

EQ1 (definition) and EQ2 (areas of life)

In this blog we want to address two important points that help you to improve the quality of your relationships.

Basics of change management

• If you see something that needs to be changed, then you are well on your way.

• In order to integrate a change, however, in addition to motivation, there must also be a certain willpower, sometimes a willingness to train.

• You can approach changes stupidly or cleverly. E.g.

• Attaching new things to old habits usually promises success.

• Attach automatic reminder symbols in good view.

• Bad habits shouldn't just be given up; they should be replaced with good ones. This redirects the brain waves .

• If there are two of you, a team, the chances of success also increase.

As a reminder: The five areas of social life:

1. MARRIAGE u FAMILY (mutual understanding based on self-image)

2. PROFESSION (dealing with colleagues, subordinates, with the boss, motivation)

3. HEALTH (healthy lifestyle promotes frontal lobe development)

4. ENVIRONMENT (privacy, public and society can see added value)

5. SPIRITUALITY (understanding and dealing with belief in a postmodern context)

General

Let's not forget: The goal of EQ is more mature relationships, life balance and higher social competence. And that means being happy. There are some disruptive factors that you have probably already had experience with and of which one should be aware. You want to prevent success:

• PRIDE - Where there is pride, there are problems. It attracts anger, makes unnecessary noise and demands more than is good. It should be replaced more and more with HUMILITY, which is a courage to do less, a courage to be collectively, instead of obstinacy, a courage to work for the happiness of others.

Pride is well established in our society. We hardly notice the sacrifices that have to be made. Many families perish because of it. If everyone says, "I want, I want" then the stronger one will win and there will always be losers. Does it have to?

• PLEASURE - What we feel like, that is what we want. Sometimes regardless of all circumstances. It is dangerous when it comes to making sensible decisions. It is based on feelings, on the gain in pleasure, instead of rational arguments.

Who can resist Swiss chocolate? Can you do this? Great. We are so trained and trimmed for consumption that many get lost in the neurological pleasure center. When it comes to pleasurable eating, there are no good enough reasons against it. But it can also be something good AND healthy. If you don't care about healthy food, you have to settle the bill at some point.

• POWER - Once you get used to power and influence, you don't want to give it up anymore. A change where authority or the right to influence is given up can result in strong resistance. This is sometimes particularly evident in families.

Winning is in. That's what it's all about. Be stronger and better than the others. Dominant and superior win the competition. Then we can be proud. How healthy is this for our family relationships? Could it be that we will become competitors? That would be a shame.

A. Marriage

A tip for each of the five EQ components:

1. Self-awareness: Take your time once a day - preferably in the evening - and think about how you communicated with your partner today. Have you been a stressor or a calm pole? Give yourself a rating of 1-10, with 10 being optimal. Write this number down and schedule a rendez-vous with your partner once a week. After a month, a month may be enough.

2. Self-control: Pick a moment that you don't want to let happen anymore, where your temper has gone too far. You plan this moment so well that you will see a better result next time. Do this on the same day once a week.

3. Self-motivation: Find a way where you can surprise your partner. Positive of course! If you can do it once a day, then you are already a master. Once a week would be desirable. But don't stop after a month!

4. Empathy: At some point, your partner will need you to listen carefully to him / her. Don't miss this moment. Internally, work on your attitude towards being a good listener.

5. Social skills: There is at least one opportunity to organize something social at least once a month. This can be for the whole family, but it can be safe for your partner. Show initiative, your organizational talent and commitment. It will be worth it.

There is a lot to talk about in a marriage. If we do this hand in hand, the result is accordingly. Taking walks together is beneficial. The ladies like it. My lady even loves it. Why not Invite your lady for a walk?

B. Family

• SE: Think about your role in your family. Are you satisfied with it? Is your authority built up enough? Do you feel loved, do you love all of your members so that everyone really feels loved too? (see love languages)

• SK: Are there moments when your pacifier bursts? Where do uncontrolled actions or reactions occur? Analyze these events objectively and decide how there are better, more constructive options. Often we are not even aware of the reaction potential.

• SM: Maybe you already have a family conference. It could take place on Friday evenings. There it is about making a conclusion about the past week, then discussing the current weekend and finally addressing neuralgic and other important points of the coming week. The children really appreciate that. Your EQ is so wonderfully promoted.
  

• They learn to communicate their concerns, problems and questions,

• to be taken seriously and

• to show consideration for others.
  
  For you as a parent, it would be a matter of tackling this challenge with motivation,

• to have good suggestions ready

• To make target agreements and

• manage control over it.

A family that grows together grows together. The collective interests are taken into account, democratic understanding is trained, communication and objectives are developed. Shared experiences form the treasure for the future.

4. EM: When it comes to empathic action in the family circle, what you already use in marriage can also be used here. Namely empathize with the children, want to understand their world - they are constantly changing, so this is a constant challenge for the parents - and to integrate the family principles into a comfortable family life with wise answers or guidelines.

You may be familiar with the phrase ACTIVE LISTENING. This is an important art in communication. When children experience it, they will later be able to communicate accordingly themselves.

It still seems important to me that you, as parents, turn a <NO> into a <YES, well, then stop> - except for exceptions. Should one of the children - often the youngest - like to use escalation methods, then they can have this replaced together with adapted behavior. You can do it together as a parenting team. The child has no chance on its own.

5. SoK: How is social competence shown in the family circle?

• Assuming responsibility is certainly part of it.

• Chairing the family conference,

• Take the initiative to plan your vacation together,

• organizing excursions,

• help to achieve common goals.

These components are so important to a family that the children will be forever grateful to you. Puberty will be different.

Those who invest their energy and priorities in the family will benefit for their entire life. Children who grow up in such an environment will thank you for life.

How about a family trip or vacation together? With each other - for each other - with each other.

Decide on a few suggestions, preferably as a team. Don't let anything distract you from it. Don't give up so easily. Encourage each other.

Terri and I wish you every success.

Meet you in the next blog. :-)