Dealing With Guilt

Every couple has their own way of communicating. With inner feelings of guilt, this looks very different. If there are still children in the house, then feelings of guilt can spread in many ways.

5 Tips Against Feelings Of Guilt

Anyone who has children and a career knows it only too well: giving everything at work AND at home is simply not possible in terms of time and energy. It is understandable that this will give rise to a bad conscience. How to deal with it?

1. Good Focus

Do what you are doing with all your heart. It does no one any good if you think about your children with a bad conscience while working in the office. Separate the two worlds and commit yourself primarily to the family. Income is also important, but family is our greatest asset.

2. Perfectionism bothers

Perfectionism is a pursuit of success motivated by fear. This is far from true love. Of course we want to do our best, but the idea that this should happen without mistakes and flaws is destructive. Our goal is quality, not perfectionism!

Everything doesn't have to be perfect. No. But making the best of what you have is a gift in itself.

3. Review Values

With the following question we can check our balance between work and education:

• What is really important to me in my life?

Take the time to find 10-15 points that answer that. Which three points are the most important to you? Now how can these three values ​​be realized more optimally in your family? Where do limits have to be observed and where can more quality be introduced?

4. Where Might My Guilt Come From?

That is a difficult question. Who likes to go back to their childhood to look for reasons there. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE ! Those who make this effort will be rewarded.

Most of our feelings of guilt and shame arose in our childhood. There we learned them unconsciously. These experiences have led to beliefs in us, which are usually not all balanced. “I'm not a good mother/father ! I'm inferior and irresponsible!"

If such thoughts come up, then a consultation, a coaching would be a great advantage. There the truth could then be separated from the lie.

Everybody makes mistakes. Certain parenting mistakes tend to accompany us into adult life. Becoming aware of and analyzing them can be an important step in managing and breaking free from them.

5. Accept Your Personality

Take a look in your mirror and say to yourself:

“My name is … and my family is important to me. For my spouse I want to give what can promote our partnership and for my family I want to take responsibility and work constructively. This includes good boundaries and careful listening and communicating. Of course I also have my own limits. I stand by them as long as they don't destroy the family. My family is the most important thing to me.”

For believers, here is the best offer : prayer. You can pick up new strength, courage and good words from HIM. Unique who accepts this gift.

Part 2 - Causes of Stress - with Stress Test

Stress often takes us by surprise, and we must respond spontaneously. Everyone reacts a little differently. Think, for just a moment, how YOU react to the unexpected.

I hope you have already had a chance to read the first part of this subject. If not, here is the  LINK

Scale:

150-199    = 30%+       Your results are cause for consideration, but there is no need to take action at the moment.

200-299    = 50%+       This sum puts you in the category of critical. If you have a strong constitution, you will probably ride out the storm on your own. Otherwise, it would be good to get some counseling.

300+         = 80%+       This result is quite alarming and means you should probably seek professional help.

Internal Influences

Choices, Choices

Indecisiveness and failing to make the right decision at the right time can cause a lot of stress. Here are a few tips on making choices:

> Choose a quiet moment to think about it.

> Make a list of the pros and cons and evaluate their importance.

> Maybe you can remember some helpful experience or you know someone you can ask for advice.

> Make a decision, and stick with it.

Self as a Source of Stress

Life would be much more bearable for many if we ourselves were not a source of stress. The more balanced we are, the easier it is for us to deal with stress.

Perhaps you are acquainted with the four temperaments (see Melancholy - Sanguine - Choleric - Phlegmatic). Our temperaments reveal a lot about how we act, react and deal with feelings and people. Learning about them can help us regulate our stress levels.

Temperamente sind ein faszinierendes und lustiges Thema. Geniessen Sie es auch ?

Feelings of Guilt

When we talk about feelings of guilt, it’s usually a question of our past catching up with us. A good conscience makes the best pillow. When we feel guiltyDas gilt dann nicht mehr. Guilt is founded on values. What values? The laws in our society are a reflection of these, as well as the principles and rules we learned from our parents and teachers.

Children can be destroyed by making them carry a load of guilt that is not theirs to bear. It is important for small children to develop and practice a correct understanding of responsibility and guilt and to experience forgiveness as a liberating element in the mix.

Some feelings of guilt are valid, some are not

Claim: Most of the feelings of guilt we carry are not our own but come from other people. We subconsciously carry their guilt, although the wrongdoing and the responsibility is theirs.

Children are much too quick to take on the responsibility, and with it the guilt for a bad situation. For example, when they grow up in a family where the parents argued a lot. Children do not see themselves as a separate entity, but understand themselves to be a part of their parents. They cannot understand that the guilt involved in the strife belongs to their parents; they instinctively take the responsibility upon themselves.  They think they are part of the problem and guilty. In this way, children are programmed, or conditioned, to carry guilt that does not belong to them This “program” accompanies them into adulthood and prevents them from judging whether their feelings of guilt are valid or not.

Guilt is ONLY produced when the principles of love and freedom are broken, for example through lying, stealing, adultery, jealousy and toxic speaking, in other words, when the fundamental laws of human life are ignored.

Only truth and forgiveness can remove guilt

When we use our reason to find out the truth about the circumstances that generated guilt and evaluate them according to the truth we discover, we can experience healing.

Self-respect and feelings of self-worth grow automatically when we allow our thoughts and actions to be ruled by reason and conscience.

Relational Stress

Who doesn’t know about stress in relationships? We all know what it’s about, right? How is this stress produced? Could it be that we need it? Are there any relationships without stress?

Wer kennt schon keinen Beziehungsstress ! (?) Wir wissen doch alle, was damit gemeint ist, nicht wahr? Wie kommt es zu diesem Stress ? Brauchen wir ihn vielleicht ? Kennen wir Beziehungen nur mit Stress ?

We know: Chronic stress is damaging to our health and also hurts our relationships.  A person under stress has little time for love, little time for great conversations and little time for good sex. We may have an honest longing for these things, but if we can’t get our relational stress under control, we will remain empty.

Unfortunately, most people don’t know themselves very well when it comes to the subject of fear. It is our strongest motivator, unfortunately, and we often stress our partners unnecessarily with our fearful reactions.

Fear as a Cause

We produce stress to escape our partner. The reason is that we are afraid to open up and show who and how we are. It is a primal fear that lies within us and probably has many causes.  It begins at birth, and develops with our childhood and school experiences, and continues to grow with pain suffered in each relationship.

We have all accumulated a treasury of fears over the years. We are not as aware of these fears as we might be of others such as the fear of spiders or of flying, but we all have some fear of relationships. When we confront our partners with these fears and he or she has a hard time dealing with them or doesn’t react as we would wish, perhaps withdrawing from us, we are completely surprised.

When our relationship stress begins, we ask ourselves over and over again,  why we can’t have the happy and harmonious relationships we long for.

Recognizing Relational Stress

Fear doesn’t always feel like fear. Sometimes it hides behind anger, silence and escape. These are, of course, the classic types of behavior found in relationship stress which are seen when one partner attacks the other, or clams up or retreats due to feeling helpless in the situation.

What are we afraid of?

Here are a few of the many possibilities:

The fear of being left behind – fear of being ugly – fear of being laughed at – fear of physical abuse  – fear of being poor – fear of being alone – fear of being cheated on – fear of being hurt again

Whatever the recipe for our personal fear cocktail may be, the important thing is, little by little, to find out what the toxic elements are. Truth makes us free. The better we know our fears, the better we can replace them with good and positive thoughts.

The Goal = Happy Relationships

To have a happy relationship, it’s not enough just to be more reasonable. We have to think about what we actually need in critical situations and what we can do for ourselves.

We have to stop expecting or wanting something from others. First, we have to find out what we really need in order to get ourselves into balance. If we take our needs seriously and get on the right track to find it, we can begin to deal with our fears.

The best way for believers to handle it is to get closer to Jesus, because then they will have found access to the source of love, which is one of the most important prerequisites for a happy relationship. Those who want to do it without Jesus can never develop such a deep understanding of love as they could with HIM.

It may be that by beginning with oneself, a person will at first “only” improve his or her relationship with him- or herself, but that is the right way to begin.

If you’re thinking, „But my partner has to _" - NO!!! Concentrate on your own contribution, your own balance, your own happiness, because:

A man who loves his wife, loves himself! A woman that loves her husband, loves herself. (See Ephesians 5:28, 33)

It’s so wonderful to be able to say, “Home, sweet home!” Since we have way too few good examples in our society, every couple is especially challenged to make their own way. They have to take paths that “normal” people don’t. Those who want to have a happy relationship will not allow distractions to cause them to miss their goal. They are people who can deal well with their stress. They have clear priorities.

To be continued