Affection – What comes naturally with toddlers can be challenging with teens. Physical contact is one of our greatest needs. Children are dependent on their parents. Let us, as parents, be wise and do everything we can to make sure their love tanks get filled every day.
Dear Reader, you may have noticed how extremely important this subject is. Every parent is challenged to do the best they can for their children. I hope you will take a few moments to read the previous two blogs on this subject: 5LS-Intro und 5LS-Marriage
Love Language 1 - Affection
Physical contact is not for everyone. Studies show that many parents only touch their children when it is necessary, like when they help them put their shoes on or take them off, buckle up their safety belts and when they put them to bed. However, physical affection is one of the easiest ways to fill a love tank. It doesn’t require any special conditions, time or effort. Even very busy parents can scratch their children’s backs or rub their shoulders once in a while.
Toddlers
Babies that get held and cuddled a lot are emotionally and physically healthier than those who don’t get much physical attention. These hugs and such convey the message “I love you!” Physical contact is especially important in the first few years. Unfortunately, both parents are often so busy with their jobs that, when they come home, they are tired and need to have their tanks filled.
If a couple chooses to put their children in the care of a babysitter, they should make sure the babysitter is a warm-hearted person who will give the children plenty of physical contact. Children love wrestling and tickling, piggyback rides and hugs, smiling eyes and a kiss on their foreheads.
If you feel an aversion to this language, let me assure you, as you practice, your feelings will change. Relax, concentrate on your child and think positive thoughts as you give him or her the physical attention he or she desperately needs.
Boys and girls have an equal need for touch but, unfortunately, boys usually get less. Some parents are afraid they might make their sons soft or feminine. However, the contrary is true. A boy that receives a good portion of physical contact is more likely to find his sexual identity, will be more self-confident and tend to develop healthy feelings of self-worth more easily than otherwise.
Meeting a child at eye level and with his or her own love language, showing interest in the child’s possessions and circumstances, feeling and showing enthusiasm; all these things bind the hearts of small children to their parents.
School Children
Hugging a child in the morning when he or she leaves for school can make a world of difference in a child’s scholastic performance on any given day. If the child’s return from school is also celebrated with a physical greeting, the time at home will also be positive. Our school system challenges our children in many areas and in many ways. Thus, it is all the more important for them to have a place to refuel where love is not dependent on their achievements.
Sometimes between ages seven and nine, boys may go through a phase in which they reject outward displays of affection. They would prefer to receive their daily dose of physical touch more with wrestling and playing rough games. Sometimes the girls like it too.
To a certain degree, sports activities can satisfy the need for physical contact but, in most cases, it is not enough. Maybe you could try playing with her hair, rubbing his back, patting his knee while speaking words of encouragement or letting her sit on your lap while you read a story. These are memories your child will not forget.
When children are sick or are in any way troubled, physical contact is especially important. The important thing is to give a child as much physical attention as he or she needs and wants.
The need for physical contact can also be partially satisfied by contact with pets. Dogs and cats need it too and love to be petted, played with and hugged, but pets cannot compete with the touch of a mother or father.
Pre-puberty
This is a very important time to prepare boys for the difficult time ahead. In the meantime, their love tanks have grown. Although they don’t like to admit it, they still need a daily portion of love. While boys tend to pull away at this time, fathers do the same with their daughters, which is detrimental to their development. They need the assurance of their father’s unconditional love now, more than ever.
In order to know whether a girl is well prepared to meet the challenges of puberty, we need only observe her behavior among her peers. If problems arise with boys, if she is especially shy in their presence or if she is provocative and sexy, there is cause for alarm. Girl-girl relationships are very important at this time and will become the foundation for healthy social behavior in later life.
Girls who have a healthy feeling of self-worth and have already discovered their sexual identity don’t need these pre-teen games with boys. They are happy with who they are. They think and act independently and are not so easily swayed by their peers (intrinsic motivation). They are more likely to comply with the moral standards of their families and will not be tempted to have early sexual contacts. They know how to say NO.
Filling a child’s love tank communicates values to him or her. Morals, honesty, truth and honor are all components of love. These values can be strengthened by reading good literature. Take advantage of every opportunity!
As we already said, the most important thing is the love tank. If your child’s love tank is full, you may look forward to the pubescent years with confidence.
If a father is unable to be the stabilizing element in his children’s lives, it would be good if another man of honor would take on the duty and be a surrogate father to them. A grandfather, an uncle or some other trusted individual could be the anchor they need in order to grow up to become healthy and confident men and women.
Teenagers
Teenagers want to be as independent as possible. Parents should never show too much affection in public. Never kiss them in front of their peers. That would be so embarrassing. Let the initiative come from your child. Maybe a hug before bedtime is enough at this stage.
Many fathers suddenly stop hugging and kissing their children. This could lead a young person to compensate with friends instead, which could result in big troubles. As soon as they begin to listen to their peers and take on their values instead of holding up the standards from home, risks rise.
If the preparation time preceding puberty goes well, teenagers may possibly apply their skills in the art of demonstrating love, which they learned from their parents, to their own relationships. This would be a good testimony for the value of thoughtful parenting.
If your child’s love language is physical touch, his or her emotional love tank can never be full without it. You may give the child a zillion gifts. Still, the child needs to feel your physical touch in order to believe he or she is loved. For such a child, beatings and other forms of corporal punishment are the worst thing that can happen.
Contact among peers of the same sex is very important and, generally, positive. There are, however, exceptions. When a youth’s love tank is insufficiently filled, the influence of other youths can be devastating.
Example Severin
Mother: "Now I know why Severin acts so weird. He’s been on my nerves for years. When I’m washing dishes, he sneaks up behind me and puts his hands over my eyes. When I walk past him, he pinches my arm. Sometimes he grabs my foot or my arm, and sometimes even my hair! He doesn’t do those things to his father, but they do a lot of wrestling.
Today I just realized, Severin’s love language is physical touch! He has been longing for body contact for all these years and has had to make do with what he could steal. I am not a very physical person, neither were my parents. My husband demonstrated his love by his wrestling. How could I have been so blind! It’s just so crystal clear to me now!"
Well, Severin’s mother decided to practice physical touch with her son and soon noticed a positive change in him. Soon he reciprocated her demonstration of affection by helping her wash the dishes and vacuuming. His mother soon felt like she was in paradise.
In Closing
What do you think your children would say if they were asked, “Do your parents love you?” Here are a few sample answers:
"I know my mommy loves me. She hugs me all the time."
"My mommy always kisses me when I leave home."
"My parents are so warm and affectionate. I can feel it."
"I have a lot of fun with my father, especially when we wrestle.”
"My parents are separated. When I have to leave my daddy, he holds me long and tight and says he’ll miss me a lot."
If physical touch is your child’s love language, but a challenge for you, it would be good for you to practice touching and being touched. You could learn to enjoy it. Try it on yourself first, touching your head, your arm, your feet or your tummy. When you can enjoy those feelings, your attitude will easily be transferred to your child and you will both be benefited.
A child’s eyes speak volumes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Through them, the careful observer may read something of the child’s inner life. Joy or suffering, worry or excitement can all be read and tell us their stories.
