3 Points of Conflict in Marriage

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. What is important, however, is how we deal with them. Most can improve on that. And it's worth it, because it increases the quality of life sometimes considerably !!

1. How do Misunderstandings Arise?

How easy it is to have expectations of your partner that unfortunately cannot be met and can lead to considerable tension!

The mother is at home all day taking care of the children and the household. Of course she is happy when her husband finally comes home, because now she can take a rest. Or?

Well, the husband was very tough, drove home from his work ‘dead tired’ and is now looking forward to finally lying on the sofa and relaxing with an entertaining film.

This game ’is repeated x times, until one of the two finally turns this topic into a point of discussion and both begin to deal with the other's situation and not to sit on their own limited expectations.

Physical injuries heal faster than emotional ones. Men in particular are advised to be careful with their words. When a woman realizes that her husband is making a wall, she knows that her words are to be chosen extremely carefully.

Important questions:

What should my partner know so that he can understand me?

How should I express myself so that we can be close to each other?

Bad marriages are full of different expectations. Friction and stress arise where these different views collide. Marriage counseling should identify these different perspectives and expectations and work through them in search of compromises and harmony.

Often times we say words in one tone without wanting to take responsibility for them. We feel overwhelmed for that. The partner should learn to deal with it. For many HSPs (LINK) are particularly sensitive and should deal with this topic. It would be worthwhile.

2. What is behind a lot of Hostilities?

Feelings of anger are usually not motivated by malice or vindictiveness, but rather by a feeling of being wronged. Being internally wounded often leads to anger and resentment, which can lead to destructive words between husbands and wives.

A couple in the middle of a 'battle':

She screams insults at him and he hurls the meanest expressions back. Your basic problem is not anger. They were both hurt by each other's behavior. The accusations they throw back and forth are merely responses to the pain inside. Unfortunately, their words tend to deepen the original wounds and aggravate the pain. A vicious circle is created!

TIP: This cycle could be broken if one of the participants had the courage to speak about their own pain (“Honey. I have a problem”) instead of increasing the partner's anger.

"Honey, I spent three hours in the kitchen. You didn't call to tell me you'd be late. It hurt my feelings and gave me the impression that you don't value me and my work and respect me enough. "

Such a message, put on a factual level, has a good chance of not hurting the partner. But when words like "irresponsible, loveless, heartless and just like your mother" are used, conflict is inevitable. Using wise words in difficult situations can help reduce animosity during disagreements.

Knowing it or not, there is always an injured person behind hostility and bad words. If we were in balance, we could find much better and encouraging words that would support our relationships constructively.

A happy couple knows how to communicate well even under difficult circumstances. You are considerate of your partner's feelings. Even if mistakes happen sometimes, they use them to make something constructive out of them, to draw benefits from them for the future. Bravo!

3. Excessive Engagement is an Adversary

Fatigue and time pressures undermine even the healthiest marriages. How can men and women communicate with each other when they are overtired and exhausted from work to be able to talk sensibly at all?

How can they enjoy their time together and their sex life when at the end of each day they are totally exhausted? How can they "date", go for a walk or sit by the fire when faced with the tyranny of a never-ending "to-do" list?

A site analysis may very well lead us to admit that my lack of discipline in my life can lead to my negligence creating a chain reaction of negative emotions: irritability, self-pity, irritability, selfishness, and withdrawal.

Few marriages can survive a long-term dose of this bitter medicine, so be careful and seek solutions early on.

Taking time for each other, doing something together, moving towards each other, looking for common ground - just be happy about your partner and think, feel and act for him - what potential is there!

7 Steps to Everlasting Love

Happiness is not a matter of luck. There are good recipes for happy relationships to be found. Here’s one I really like.

In order to be successful in any line over a period of time, investments must be made. Most people would agree to that. Is it just as logical for love relationships?

For many years, researchers have studied the reasons for WHY couples often separate, but in recent years they have begun to study the basic pattern of happy, stable relationships. In this way, they can make a positive impact on marriages and families, placing happiness within their reach.

Step 1 – The Same Direction

A relationship requires constant investment in the common project called LOVE. When two people are in a rowboat, it is very advantageous for both to work together toward the same goal, rowing in the same direction. If they don’t agree on their destination, neither of them is likely to reach his or her desired goal, and neither will enjoy the trip. If they agree on their destination, they can have fun encouraging each other along the way.  

What direction or goal might they choose?

How about

• being a strong family or

• strengthening each other’s authority or

• supporting each other or

• thinking and working for each other or

• spiritual striving – for eternity?

Being a team forever! Wouldn’t that be great? Sticking together through thick and thin. When both make that decision, the journey can begin!

Step 2 – Finding Balance

We are all different. That’s a good thing! However, it can also lead to imbalance. For example, she quietly manages all their social contacts, and he organizes their vacations. He works for money and she cares for the family. That worked well in our family. Both gave and took, kind of a symbiosis (BLOG). But if only one party gives and the other takes, an imbalance will inevitably develop.

When such challenges arise, it’s important to recognize and discuss them. If a consensus can be reached in which both are happy, a lot of bad feelings will be avoided.

Finding balance is not just about finance and budgets, but more about duties and responsibilities. These should be distributed evenly according to the skills and talents of each.

Step 3 – Optimizing Interactions

Most people marry a different temperament than their own (see BLOG). Some temperaments are naturally more empathetic than others. Relationships come easier to them. Those with less empathetic natures would do well to find ways to develop this talent.

When you notice the same situation repeatedly causing friction between you and your partner, it would be good to get up your courage and have a clarifying conversation about it. The main points in this discussion should be your own feelings, limits and inability to understand. Your own challenges should be objectively presented as “I” messages in a calm and (ideally) loving manner. “Honey, I have a problem."

While it is true that not all problems can be solved, having an open mind and the willingness to try is often the key to success. If no solution can be found, it is best to reinterpret the problem, view it as an interesting challenge and make friends with it.

Our differences present opportunities to learn and acquire the characteristics in which our partners are stronger. Pride is the only hindrance. Proud people refuse to learn. Listening and responding to one another, thinking the best of and wanting what’s best for each other are all things that make couples strong.

Step 4 – Discovering Islands for Two

In Switzerland, couples speak to each other seven minutes a day on average. That’s seems a bit scanty for a deep, serious relationship, doesn’t it? It’s hard to nurture an atmosphere of security and intimacy in such a short time.

Happy couples create islands of intimacy on a regular basis. These may look like the following:

Sitting across from each other, they each have the opportunity to describe a situation, which the other, in turn, tries to reformulate in his or her own words. Then they switch roles.

Or, once a year they take a weekend or a week without the kids and nurture their togetherness. Some are able to free themselves up for one evening per month, or per week, for the same purpose.

Children love to see their parents having fun together. It boosts their sense of belonging and fills their love tanks.

Can’t you just feel the great vibes in this island of intimacy??? Social media remains a great challenge for relationships. It can intrude into every little getaway if we allow it to. Let’s not let it!

Step 5 – Clarify Wounds

Although most people don’t want to hurt others, it happens. The closer we get to each other, the more likely we are to cause one another pain. Some temperaments can wound others without even realizing it and will continue to do so unless someone makes them aware of it (see blog CHOLERIC).

Then there is a temperament that tries to tuck such injuries away without dealing with them (see blog MELANCHOLY). This strategy is bound to backfire, sooner or later. The pent-up aggression will eventually surface (hopefully not on the children) and can do much harm.

It is therefore important to keep the lines of communication open and to clear obstructions as they arise. An example could be to say, “Honey, I would like you to tell me when you feel I have hurt you.” Of course, it would be nice to find a fitting moment to talk about it, as with any touchy subject. When problems are discussed at the information level, they can be solved much more quickly and reasonably. As soon as a discussion becomes emotional, success is much less likely.

“Sweetheart, your comment really hurt me. I felt put down. It was humiliating. You know I’m very sensitive to those things.” “Oh, right. I forgot. And it was even in front of other people! Sorry. I’ll try not to do it again.” Smile

Step 6 – Appreciation and Recognition

As Dale Partridge says: “Real men don't have time to look for another woman because they are too busy looking for new ways to love their own.”

When a person concentrates on his or her partner’s well-being, he or she is on a target course from which he or she will not be easily moved. My partner is #1, then the children and, after that, work and all other matters.

Words of praise and gratitude and other little attentions (see blog LOVE LANGUAGES) can keep the everyday love life fresh and dynamic. A little positive feedback for little things, like homemade bread or a nicely made bed, signals an attitude of personal appreciation and affection. And that feels soooo good!

, enjoy your wives. She’s counting on you. Isn’t she lovely? Look deep into her eyes, the mirror of her soul. When she is happy, she is beautiful! YOU can be a source of her beauty!

As the saying goes, “A couple that prays together, stays together!” The joy of developing the spiritual dimension of a relationship is an advantage I would not want to miss out on. It has helped our marriage so much that I can truly say, “It just keeps getting better with my Terri Lynn.”  

A little unexpected romance can be so charming! Sometimes it doesn’t take much to generate joy in a relationship.

Step 7 – Allow for Space to Grow

Love and freedom go hand in hand. In a recent BLOG, three phases of relationships were discussed. There, the necessity of giving one’s partner time and space for him- or herself was shown to be an important ingredient for development in the third phase. Don’t women love to go out with their friends and catch up on all the latest?

Don’t men love hiking up mountains together? Here our close mountains called ‘Churfirsten’.

When couples consider one another’s needs, they give each other time and space to recharge their batteries. This is sometimes difficult for men, as 80% of them give up their close friendships within the first four years of marriage and feel little need to spend time with them.

Grant each other the freedom to enjoy hobbies and meaningful activities. This will enhance the time you spend together and increase its value.

Making music, fitness training and activities in nature are extremely beneficial to mental and emotional development.

I hope these suggestions have been enlightening and enriching for your life and relationship. If so, let your friends know you appreciate this blog by clicking the Likes button. Thanks!