Who makes which decisions?
The Challenge
Most couples leave this question to be decided by chance, or according to their competencies and responsibilities. But with many couples, this question awakens painful memories and power struggles of the past.
Who decides what car to buy?
How should the budget be handled? Who is in charge of the money?
When big purchases must be made, who decides? The husband, the wife, or both together?
You are invited to also read Part1 and Part2 and Part3.
Dear Reader, today’s blog is the second in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!
The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.
Correlation: Decision-Making & Contentment
Over a long period of time, John M. Gottman studied 30 young married couples and discovered the following:
Relationships in which husbands integrate their wives’ intuition in their decision making processes from the beginning of their marriage are happier and are much less likely to divorce than those in which husbands refuse to be influenced by their wives.
If a man is unwilling to share his power and responsibility with his partner, the probability that the marriage will end in divorce is 81%.
It is just as important that women respect their husbands’ opinions and allow them to influence their decisions.
The great majority of women do this intuitively, even in unstable and conflict ridden marriages.
Goal - Oriented
When it comes to making important decisions, it is important that both can express their opinions and feel respected by the other.
In this way, they give each other support and express their importance to each other and respect for each other’s authority. When there are differences of opinion, both parties should actively look for mutual solutions. In this way, more mature decisions will be made, and happier, more stable relationships will be the result.
How to Deal with Controversial Subjects
In his studies, John M. Gottman determined that 65% of all men were less likely to try to solve a conflict than their wives.
Have you seen this pattern before?
Example:
Kurt says to his wife, “You’re not listening to me!” Monika reacts quickly with: “Sorry. Now I’m listening!” as she lays the distracting factor aside.
Sometimes she says, “It's hard to listen to you.” What she means is, she chooses to keep the conflict from escalating by not listening.
When Monika says: “You’re not listening to me!” Kurt builds a wall by ignoring her or justifies himself with, “Yes, I am!” or he counters with criticism and says, “I don’t listen to you because what you say is not logical.” In this way, he discourages discussion and protects himself from his wife’s influence. He doesn’t respect her feelings, but ridicules her. In 81% of cases, this causes damage and generates mutual contempt.
Important Basis
Men’s and women’s brains are different. We are different. The ABCs of relationships are: The most basic foundation for a good relationship is laid, for instance, when a husband learns to recognize and cherish the potential hidden in his wife’s emotions or a wife can tangibly appreciate her husband’s cognitive abilities. When couples have developed these skills, nothing else should bar their way to happiness. Let’s learn to value and encourage each other and our unique gifts.
The Refusal to Share Power
In happy relationships, each partner has special spheres of competence, and in those areas, he or she carries more responsibility. Imagine a man who can’t find a knife and decides to reorganize the kitchen, although he is not the cook in the house.
From the kitchen to finances:
Unfortunately, many women have to get along with a very small budget without knowing how much their husbands actually earn. This increases their dependence, which is often detrimental to the balance of their relationship.
Sometimes men bury themselves in their work, taking little interest in home life. By so doing, their behavior can have a negative influence, of which they are often ignorant.
Is it not a quality of true love to encourage the combined potential represented in a relationship? When both partners engage in this, their relationship will be strengthened and they will be happier.
Cooperative Communication
Approximately 35% of men are responsive to their wives’ influence and show them honor and respect. These share their power and areas of competence cooperatively with their wives. The other 65% present a problem.
On the other hand, there are also overbearing women who make unreasonable demands on their husbands. This is, of course, just as damaging.
In 80% of all marriages, it is the wife who addresses difficult relational subjects. Men have a tendency to avoid discussing such matters because they find these discussions tedious and uncomfortable. Talking about emotions and relationships is not their forte.
As mentioned above, it is important for a couple to cooperate together and communicate respectfully, giving their respective uniqueness the necessary space and freedom to flourish. In this way, intimate bonds are created that can help overcome almost any challenge that may arise.
