Dear Reader, today’s blog is the second in a little series of articles written by my brother, a practicing psychotherapist near Bern, Switzerland who helps couples and families enrich their lives with practical counsel. You won’t want to miss out!
The following is a condensed version of an article published in "Leben und Gesundheit" (Life and Health - LINK), a German magazine from Switzerland, which I subscribe to and recommend.
The Three Phases of a Relationship
1. The Fascination Phase
Love relationships normally go through these three phases.
In the fascination phase, the sky seems bluer and more inspiring, the stars twinkle brighter and the air seems fresher than ever before.
It’s a time when couples are highly sensitive to each other’s needs, and during the fascination phase, this sensitivity often spills over into other areas of life. The couple is completely absorbed with one another. Both parties blossom and bloom in the other’s presence and can’t seem to spend enough time together. They blend their lives together until their natural boundaries melt and mesh together until they become one.
WE ARE are the watchwords!
2. The Retraining-Phase
In this phase, a certain normalcy takes over in which the beloved dream begins to become scratched and tarnished. This situation holds great potential for conflict.
I suddenly realize that my partner is very different from what I had imagined in my loneliness with my tunnel vision. Subjects that in an earlier phase had been openly discussed or benevolently pardoned are now the cause of conflict or perhaps disappointed retreat. This is when partners begin to draw their lines of demarcation. This is a period of tough negotiation and compromise and is often accompanied by frustration and disappointment.
I and YOU are the focal point.
3. The Acceptance Phase
In this phase, a sensitive balance is achieved between
emotional closeness and distance,
togetherness and autonomy,
personal responsibility and care for each other,
self-assertion and surrender,
intimacy and keeping an air of mystery.
In this way, the relationship becomes deep and peaceful, yet preserves a vitality, full of interesting challenges and surprises.
I and YOU once again become WE.
Challenges
Each phase is valuable and necessary. The more the ability to love is present, the quicker a couple can reach the third phase. If the partners don’t go through a maturing process, their relationship will be in danger of shipwreck.
Phase 1 - Fascination
Dreamers hoping to find themselves in their perfect ideals
This phase builds an important foundation through intense shared experiences, which can strengthen the ability to bond.
When Monica and George (names changed) talk about their vacation plans, they can agree very quickly. “Whatever you want is fine” is their motto. The important thing is being together. When you’re in love, you don’t need to fight!
So Monica joins George when he wants to go rock climbing in the mountains, scuba diving and riding motorcycles. George watches romantic movies and goes to relationship seminars with her. His snoring is not a problem for her, and he overlooks the over-filled hamper and all the papers and notes on the kitchen table. They know how to discern between important issues and trivialities.
The important thing is being together
In spite of their strong bonds, once in a while they feel the need to do something separately. The more intense their connection, the more energetically their individualities will call for compensation. When the initial euphoria of being in love begins to wear off, the loneliness that had been concealed beneath it will again begin to surface. The depth of an individual’s loneliness will determine the intensity of the reaction.
Suddenly
Monica wants to spend a carefree evening alone with her long neglected girlfriends.
George wants to thunder over a mountain pass with his old biker friends without consideration of female needs.
they realize they have partially given up their own identities and need to rediscover who they are.
fear arises. Strife follows. Ideals begin to crumble. The images of her knight in shining armor and his lovely princess begin to fade. The stronger these impressions were, the more painful the thud when reality strikes.
George sees Monica’s happy-go-lucky ways and chaotic tendencies as irritating evidences that she is a less than perfect, if not lousy, homemaker.
Monica redefines George’s courage and daring as recklessness.
the joy in diversity and spontaneity is replaced with feelings of contempt.
both put a surprising amount of energy into their battle for individuality and conflicting ideals.
arguments are frequent. If these are carried out in a constructive and respectful manner, there is good reason for hope.
‘The important thing is being together’ phase is usually replaced by a challenging time of truly getting to know each other. During this phase, each party defines him- or herself anew. The ability to love is strongly influenced by one’s self-love. For example, the better I can truly love myself, the better I will succeed in truly loving others.
2. The Retraining-Phase
Battles and Bargains
What a shock! Monica doesn’t want to ride motorcycles anymore. Her strength and motivation are depleted. George has heard enough conversations on relationships. He would like to have a little adventure followed by some great sex.
Unfortunately, many couples end their relationship at this point. They can’t see how they can get around or deal with each other’s differences constructively.
Recognizing Benefits
These new developments are actually necessary and can be very liberating because the fascination phase can be quite demanding. Now is the time to recognize and acknowledge one’s own normality and true identity as well as that of one’s partner. The times of trying to hide every fault and wrinkle are finally a thing of the past. In this atmosphere, the couple is free to develop and mature.
The more disappointed George and Monica are, the more self-righteous their arguments are. They hone their bargaining, manipulation, threatening and flattery skills in their efforts to retrain one another. Every compromise is the result of a hard-fought battle.
There is just no getting around these realizations: Monica’s sense of logic is in no way comparable with George’s. She tends to express her feelings, while he hides behind his work.
Studies and Sexuality
Studies show that conflicts among couple are only 30% about being right or wrong, guilty or innocent. Seventy per cent of the cases are about understanding and categorizing differences in experience, thoughts and feelings. Here lies the battle.
On the outside, they both experience the same thing, but the way they process it is completely different. The best thing they could do is to try to discover one another’s world. Trying to solve this problem with power games and bossiness can only lead to pain and suffering.
At this stage, Monica allows George to have his way in their sexual relationship, which leaves her at a decided disadvantage, with her needs unmet. He follows his intuition, cares for his needs and dreams his fantasies. He likes to lead, but sometimes it gets to be too much responsibility, and he would rather let her take the lead. He would love to be seduced. She would like to have his undivided attention and total acceptance, and she would like him to listen to and understand her. That would unlock her heart and awaken a desire for intimacy and sex. Because George experiences sex as an ego booster, he can actually solve his conflicts with it. Sometimes it works for Monica as well.
Talking is Good
How can they understand each other if they don’t talk openly about their thoughts?
They are more different than they thought.
There is great potential in diversity. Even the most sensitive lover needs to be introduced to the inner life of his or her partner. This is true, not only of sexuality, but also for every other area of life as well.
Reconciling Differences
The knight and the princess have been transformed. Being reconciled with their differences opens a heretofore unimagined spectrum of possibilities for the future. Slowly, but surely they are welded together into an unbeatable team that can handle every challenge that comes their way
Imagine what it would be like if your partner were exactly like you! Wouldn’t that be a nightmare? Isn’t it wonderful that we are all different? Just think of the potential! We can benefit from each other, learn from each other and develop synergies. Together we are strong! But this is only true when we learn to take full advantage of the potential that is locked up in our differences.
3. Acceptance Phase
Face the Challenge
Monica has noticed that George’s talent for organizing and sense of order can be very helpful to her. He is hard working and steady as the day is long. As time progresses, he also recognizes the positive aspects of her flexibility. She can easily adapt to new situations, and her intuition for understanding complex problems in childrearing helps him take things a little easier. Suddenly they see the value in being different and complementing each other.[O1]
One great opportunity in this phase is that both parties can learn to be freer to be themselves with each other. Yes, we may, or rather we should be different, even though we don’t always completely understand.
Live, and Let Live!
Being loved and accepted as you are is very liberating. In this atmosphere no one feels like a victim. Instead, a feeling of mutual dedication and a willingness to compromise are developed. These are assets that every successful couple must have in order to meet subsequent challenges. Like having children!
Couples who can keep their respective friends, individualities and hobbies are stronger and remain more interesting for each other over the years. They always find ways to surprise each other.
More information (in German) at the following links:
www.paardynamik.ch
www.danielzwiker.ch
How can some couples still get along fabulously after over 30 years of marriage? They meet most challenges together and know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They also know when they need help from the outside. Fantastic!
