Many people are unaware of this topic. What exactly is narcissism? How does this show up in a marriage?
What is Narcissism?
Our self-esteem (see SW) is something delicate and can quickly falter due to criticism. When it comes to children, we can easily see how some people use malicious words to belittle others so that they themselves feel a little bigger. This also happens with adult narcissists.
That's why narcissists often appear unsympathetic in everyday life, place themselves higher than others, take advantage of them or ignore their needs.
Two extremes can occur:
When successful, the person begins to float on a grandiose cloud and expects others to treat him as a special person. But if you fail, the journey can go awry: I can't do anything! I am nothing! It's a shame actually.
What else is normal?
Of course, it corresponds to our need to be seen as good, important and interesting. What matters, however, is how strongly these thoughts and wishes concern us and how flexibly we can deal with them. The more impulsively one deals with the environment and how strongly the urge for recognition is acted out, the more pathological the narcissist is.
How do I recognize a narcissist?
A narcissist always tries - because he needs your support - to treat you as the best. But in the next moment it can reverse as soon as he/she strives for feelings of happiness and wants (needs) to have control back. This can lead to lengthy discussions until the narcissist gets his own way. So that you don't leave him, he tries to relieve you with skill and manipulation, usually unintentionally.
A narcissist has his specialties. For example, he always has to have his camera with him. This is part of his equipment!
Is there hope for change?
Or: Once a narcissist, always a narcissist! Unfortunately, this is the case for most. Many people can no longer change their personality, but behavior patterns can. In therapy you can recognize a lot - truth sets you free! - and integrate positive things into everyday life. As a couple (i.e. with your partner) there is a lot possible.
Now of course EMPATHY (EQ) is required. Consciously responding to your partner's expressions and feelings, giving attention and interest to the other person, this brings you together and enables relationship success and stronger social skills.
Be careful not to become a victim of a narcissist. You can also have a happy love relationship with such a person. But it requires as much effort as possible from both sides. It's worth looking in the mirror and asking yourself: What's really going on inside me? Why do I react like this? Anyone who even recognizes a mistake and can genuinely apologize has a good chance of moving forward.
How did you actually become a narcissist?
No narcissist genes have been found (yet)! The reason probably lies in upbringing. The parents have failed to satisfy the child's elementary needs for closeness, understanding and exchange of feelings. That's why the child - later the narcissist - doesn't know himself that well.
An example would be: The little one falls down and starts crying. The mother says: “Stop crying now!” It would be better to comfort the child and ask about the cause, as knowledge of the truth sets you free.
Children who are neglected and have to take responsibility for their siblings at an early age also tend to move in this direction.
Narcissists often love children. They can play with them, even narcissistic games, where they can be the hero and get recognition.
Can you have a happy marriage with a narcissist?
Because narcissists often want to make you feel good, you can also have pleasant or even brilliant times together. They are practiced at recognizing their partner's motives and can express this in a positive way. They have impressive powers of observation when it comes to assessing other people and quickly notice things that others would only notice much later.
Intelligent narcissists are convincing and engaging, even in a professional context. They are hard-working and have often acquired a lot of know-how. They seem competent. Because they are good speakers, most people enjoy listening to them. This is why they are often found in leadership positions. Even in politics!
In summary, I would like to say that narcissists are not malicious people. They need their freedom so that they can develop. But boundaries are also important for them. The better you know yourself, the better you can respond to the needs of others.