The 4th and Best Self-worth Strategy

A strong and sturdy sense of self-worth lived practically in a balanced way positively promotes an attractive, high quality of life. Those who invest time and energy in this quest and find it are to be envied. Independence, integrity, wisdom and joy will be among the spontaneous results thereof. Don’t miss out!

I hope, dear Reader, that you have been able to read the last two blogs on this important subject. If not, here are the links that will take you there!  Intro to Self-worth  and  Self-worth Strategies 1-3

A Short Review

In the two above-mentioned blogs, we have seen that self-worth has a huge influence on our lives. Depending on how it was defined in us, it will impact our relationships for better or for worse, and we will experience more or less happiness, contentment and success.

There is a worldwide tendency to base our sense of value on three strategies: materialism, achievement and relationships. If you take a moment to analyze yourself and others, you may recognize these systems.

Parents and teachers are especially challenged to apply their knowledge of this subject in their daily dealings with youngsters in such a way as to avoid creating any big voids and dependencies. For example, a man who has been conditioned to base his value on his achievements will more than likely be confronted with a huge crisis the day after he retires: not only has he lost his job, but his self-worth is also history.

The last of the four strategies is our subject for today. To me, it seems to be the best option. It is the strongest, the sturdiest and the safest way to go. Let’s have a look:

Strategy Number 4 - The Ideal Partner

Many people try one or more of the first three strategies, not knowing there is a fourth. Those are their only options. Too many do poorly on this plan and suffer from chronic low self-worth, or they spend their lives vacillating with a partial sense of self-esteem, but always questioning their true value.

Of the first three strategies, if I had to choose, I think number three would be the best. Having good, solid, mature, loving relationships would definitely fill the bill, but problems arise when relationships fail. So in this blog, I would like to explore the third option and try to “create” the ideal partner for the ideal relationship. Are you with me?

Imagine you are a very needy person and are married to a very balanced, understanding and loving person. In such a relationship, many of your deficits could be worked through, and your relationship could develop into an emotionally balanced friendship. Any children produced in this marriage could profit from the peaceful atmosphere and would be likely to develop a high sense of self-worth. This happy circumstance would be a huge benefit and would help them master their challenges in life with greater ease than most.

Do you like hitting the bull’s eye?  Life is too short to leave important decisions to coincidence. What are your ideals, visions and goals based on? When you have the answer to these questions, it’s easier to set criteria and guidelines that will help in lifestyle choices of all kinds, including the choice of a partner.

Characteristics of the Ideal Partner

Inner Value

He or she should have a high sense of self-worth and recognize that his or her value is independent of achievements. He or she should not be ruled by the selfish needs that can so often lead to a dead end relationship.

Wisdom

Of course, it would be nice if this person had access to divine wisdom and could see past the present and understand the connectivity of life’s circumstances. Wisdom is the basis of our decisions and the implementation thereof. We could all use a bit more, right?

The Art of Love

He or she should be skilled in the art of love, not a temporary love that is produced by accomplishments, but unconditional love that loves one’s partner as he or she is (BLOG). This kind of love is not swayed or ruffled by weaknesses and mistakes. This person should have enough time to be with one through all the challenges of life and help find solutions to problems and raise one’s quality of life. He or she should be dependable and financially responsible, generous and kind, willing to share of his or her abundance for the good of others.

Faithfulness

It would be ideal if the partner we choose would never leave us. It should be someone who always remains faithful in spite of our weaknesses and faults, loves us even though we sometimes disappoint, and helps us although we don’t deserve it. It would be ideal to have someone who was always available with a friendly, wise and understanding smile.

Many of these important principles can be practiced in a family. The young should be able to learn from their elders and profit from their experience, including their faith. This is their motivation to live their lives for bigger, better, higher, deeper and more loving goals.

Summary

It is obvious that there is no such ideal person on earth today. BUT there was ONE 2000 years ago! His name is Jesus Christ. Today He lives in heaven and, according to His own words, is functioning as the Mediator between us and His Father. He wants to take us to Heaven so we can be with Him and His Father.

When you know Jesus, you will find in Him the source of love, a place of trust and security where you can be yourself and recharge your batteries. HE has all the wonderful characteristics that we can only dream of. If you are already married, building a relationship with Him will bring high self-worth, stability and wisdom into your marriage. You will be a strong team of three, strong in both giving and taking.

Through your relationship with Him, you can become independent of surrounding circumstances. You won’t fold under pressure or lose orientation in a storm of life. NO, with HIM, life has meaning that goes beyond this life here and now. This fact alone can produce strength and joy. He wants us to be joyful and courageous at all times and in all circumstances and to enjoy a high sense of value. To underscore this, He calls us HIS CHILDREN! That’s the highest position He can give us. He even gives us bodyguards and other divine privileges.

An Offer

It is His goal to get us ready to spend eternity with Him. He invests a lot to that end, His life, His energy, His reputation and His time. He is willing to give it all for you, dear Reader. He makes us the offer. It’s up to us to accept or reject it. That’s our part in the relationship. Every person has the chance to transform his or her feelings of inferiority into a solid sense of self-worth. Happy are they that take Him up on His offer!

In the last few chapters of the four Gospels, we can read the description of the depth to which true love can go. The length and breadth, the height and depth of the love of God is almost inconceivable. Thinking such thoughts will strengthen us. He is happy to give us His love so that it may grow and spread to others.

Ref:  "Knowing God in the Real World" , Book by Jon Paulien

How Much are You Worth? FOUR Strategies!

Our quality of life is largely dependent on our feelings of self-worth. In this case, it’s definitely worth it to find out how these inner mechanisms work and how we might be able to improve our lot. Happy people generally have a high sense of self-worth and respect for others. Do you think that is true???

Dear Reader, it would be of great benefit for you to read the previous BLOG dealing with feelings inferiority and self-worth.

Self-worth Strategies

Throughout childhood every one of us develops a strategy in order to get answers to these questions: Who am I? What am I? Who loves me? What shall I become?

In this process, we quickly recognize how to evoke a positive reaction from those around us and how we can gather the necessary points in order to feel somewhat valuable. Some are better at this game than others.

Here are the three strategies that are implemented most often:

Strategy 1 - Achievement

A child learns and then thinks: "Whenever I sing, I get attention." "When I color a pretty picture, my father gives me a compliment." Just two examples of many. These experiences should not necessarily be a problem, but when the attention and love shown are given only as a result of achievement, and the child’s emotional love-tank (BLOG) is filled only due to accomplishments, achievement becomes the dominant self-worth strategy.

In this way, the child learns to measure him- or herself by his or her achievements. In school it becomes even clearer. There it counts how well you can do certain things. You get graded. And isn’t it great to be able to bask in the sun of your achievements? Then, of course, there are sports and movie stars that motivate you to do more and be better….

Men have to have the muscles and strength; with the ladies, it’s a perfect body. For some, achievements count the most. "I am going to study and get a doctorate. Then I’ll be somebody." We all want to be especially good at something. Status is more and more important and becomes the basis for happiness.

AT SOME POINT the moment comes when one realizes that accomplishments don’t have as much to do with truly mature feelings of self-worth as one had once thought. If that were true, all doctors would be happy and all stars would be able to live without drugs.

Good achievements are somehow being devalued. The bar is being set higher and higher. People are being programmed to be dissatisfied with their accomplishments, because otherwise, it is thought, they would not be motivated to achieve more.

If they suddenly find themselves sick, aged or disabled by an accident, their dream of high achievement is destroyed and they feel like a nobody. Do you agree that it is unwise to bind our sense of value to our achievements?  

No wonder! In our society, where everything is judged by accomplishments, where the demand for productivity is steadily increasing and more and more effort is required, it’s no wonder that an attitude of high achievement has wormed its way into our system of judging our self-worth. When a person with this mindset goes into retirement, depression will not be long in coming. Sad, but true.

Strategy 2 – Wealth/Materialism

Today, children realize very young that the finest clothing, the best iPhone, the newest bike and the coolest toys will get them the attention and admiration they are missing from their parents. That’s what they go for. Sometimes it’s quantity: the more toys, the better; or it may be the quality: only brand name clothing will do. These things become the focus of their self-worth strategy.

How can a child who has 100 toys ever be able to appreciate even one of them properly? These children grow up. Then it’s the car, the house, the vacations and/or expensive hobbies that catch their attention and become overly important. "Whenever I get into my car, I have a great feeling!" What if my car gets a scratch? Or a better model comes out? Or my neighbor gets a better one?

For a while the pride of ownership lingers, but the probability is very high that the luster of all these possessions will eventually fade. If that were not so, rich people would be happier than poor, but actually, the opposite is known to be true. Wealthy people have discovered that the more things they possess, the less they value them. Inflation strikes again. If we can have everything we want whenever we want it, the things we desire lose their value.

Some people fear for their possessions. The more they have, the more they can lose. However, it would be good to remember that we can’t take anything with us.  Our self-worth should be based on something that will stand firm in life and death. Wouldn’t that be something?

For those who are not so stuck on possessions, this quote from Carl Friedrich Gauss (mathematician, 1777-1855) may be fitting: " It is not knowledge, but the act of learning, not possessions but the acquisition thereof, not the arrival but the act of getting there, which grants the greatest enjoyment." This quote points out the complexity of materialistic, want-to-have thinking. The pursuit of enjoyment is strongly linked to our desire to own things and seems to be growing more and more into a kind of religion.

To each his own status symbol. In our materialistic western world it is clearly a temptation to hang our sense of self-worth on our possessions.

Strategy 3 - Relationships

Another very common way of evaluating ourselves is contemplating what others think of us and how they treat us. HSPs (high sensitive people - BLOG) and others who are very perceptive and sensitive often discern and interpret the emotions and reactions of others in connection to themselves.

People of higher intelligence tend to use this third method of defining their self-worth. They are often able to see through the pitfalls of the other two methods, but because they don’t know any better way, they are stuck with this variant.

The easiest place to observe the application of this strategy is in the bond between two teenage lovers. Nothing can raise our feeling of self-worth like the knowledge that we are valued, thought of as unique, and desired by another. What others think of us has a huge impact on what we think about ourselves and who we think we are.

Another place where we can observe the implementation of this strategy is with parents who try to define their own value through their children. They really want their children to be successful so they can be proud of them. Actually, truth be told, it’s they themselves they want to be proud of. If their children are in any way disadvantaged, they feel slighted and their sense of value is endangered.

Some people are obsessed with the idea of getting some star or well-known person’s autograph. They might frame the signature, or refrain from washing their hands after shaking hands with a famous person. These scenarios may be a little exaggerated, but the fact remains that famous people can have a strong influence on our feelings of self-worth. If that were not the case, the film industry would not be so successful.

Why is it that it is so easy to overdo things when it comes to connecting ourselves with important people? The higher their social status, the more important their opinion of us is. So we make our own value dependent on what others think of us.

How would you feel if Ex-President Obama and his wife invited you to dinner? Perhaps you would choose another famous person. In any case, how big an influence would you say such a rendezvous would have on your thoughts, conversation and self-esteem?

Example: MARRIAGE

Marriage is the most common relationship used to boost one’s self-esteem. Many marry with the audacious hope that the value they have found in the eyes of their partner will carry them throughout their whole life.

Married people try to build their self-worth in basically two ways, neither of which is successful over the course of time.

The Takers

Needy people in particular hope their partners will satisfy them, and in this way they think they will be valuable. They are looking for affirmation and emotional support, but don’t have a lot of energy to pass it on. They remain in their taker’s role.

The Givers

These people seem to be more self-confident. They bolster their own value by building up and caring for others. Encouraging and helping others makes them happy. At the same time, they can reject offers of help. Some like to receive affirmation for their services, others not at all.

As human beings, we are naturally quite complex. We are not just one type or the other, but general tendencies can be observed: Most people tend to be TAKERS while claiming to be GIVERS. How interesting! Reality is not always easy to recognize.

Let’s have a look at some marriage combinations:

The “Taker-Taker” Couple

This is a marriage that can quickly turn into something akin to hell. Both expect something the other cannot or will not give. During the romantic time of courtship, it is possible for a Taker to temporarily morph into a Giver. This serves the purpose of making a good catch. That’s how two empty people who expect to get happiness from each other get together. Sooner or later, their wedded bliss will more than likely end up in misery, depression and disaster.

A person who wants to take from his or her partner will do the same with his or her children. The poor children have to satisfy their parents’ needs, which is a physical and emotional impossibility. The pressure and stress they feel is enormous. These parents tend to be tough on their kids and impose unrealistic expectations on them.

The “Giver-Taker” Couple

It seems logical that these two types would attract each other. They feel like their relationship was made in heaven. The giver can give, and the taker can take. So why shouldn’t they be happy?

In extreme cases, where the giver and taker are almost full-blooded, there is a risk that neither of them will ever get started in the process of maturing. They will never really grow up, never learn the truth about themselves. The takers especially remain needy and dependent in body, mind and spirit. No giver can ever give enough to compensate a true taker’s never-ending deficit.   

The self-worth that is developed in us on the basis of our relationships is often temporary and shaky. Many get tired and can’t keep up the relationship. Givers invest a lot in relationships. Meaning, value, time and energy have all been given to the taker. The giver begins to recognize an ever-growing sense of emotional dependence in the taker and suddenly becomes aware that his or her own needs are in no way being met. The clearer this becomes, the more likely separation will result.

In the end, it all comes down to the motives of the parties involved. Giving should be the result of mature self-worth and not a basic need. The stronger the need for affirmation, the faster the giver will realize he or she is not receiving enough of it. At first, efforts are doubled until he or she has no more strength. That’s when a breakdown generally occurs. The giver loses respect for the taker and allows the relationship to fall apart.

The “Giver-Giver” Couple

The solution seems to be found in this combination, but it is a rarity. Givers actually feel a bit uncomfortable with other givers.

If one’s sense of value is tied up in giving, taking, or receiving, feelings of guilt and maybe some embarrassment will occur. This dynamic between two givers ruins their attempts to build up their self-worth through their relationship. Should they somehow end up getting married in spite of these difficulties, one great risk will accompany them. At some point, one of them may meet a taker, who would seem to fully satisfy his or her needs. This could shake the marriage violently and end in divorce.

Who already knows what their partner bases his or her self-worth on at the wedding? Very few take the time and trouble to get to know the “system” hidden within their loved one’s make-up. Terri and I didn’t know anything about that when we got married, but today many things have become clearer, and we enjoy passing our knowledge on to others in marriage seminars and counseling sessions.

Congratulations that you made it this far! In order to keep today's blog comfortably short, I decided to save the fourth part, actually the best, for next time. You won't want to miss it!

See you then!